Decisions, Decisions

I am trying not to worry, but that is not in my nature. I am really worried about the potential tariffs to come. I am also very concerned about the Google trend of searching what a tariff is post election, I mean, am I surprised that this country is that stupid? Absolutely not. That was the point. 

Anyway, I was planning on updating my car (I know, finally) in 2025. I feel this pressure to do it now, prior to any potential tariffs or preemptive price raising (gouging-lets be real, cars are already too expensive). I'm ready to buy a car, and I found a model I really like, but it's expensive and I'm not sure I should. It's definitely a WANT and not a NEED. I could probably get my car to last for another 2 years. I want to buy a 2025 Toyota Crown Signia. I love the wagon look, it also gives me a bit more space and a little luxury without going overboard. It's also equipped with the latest safety and those doors are thick as fuck, apparently taken some safety specs from Volvo and incorporating into this car. 

I've driven the car already and love it. However, with the price tag, I don't NEED a hybrid. I have a hybrid now and it's nice, I'm used to them, but I don't commute anymore and haven't for almost 9 years. I go to the gym and run errands. Purposely buying a new hybrid seems wasteful, although I know that most cars are trending to be some kind of hybrid or EV. 

I have also been trying to look at a 2021 Lexus NX hybrid that's priced quite well online, but I suspect that is simply because this dealership has "dealer fees" even on used cars, which I refuse to pay. Nitrogen in the tires? Tint on an already tinted car? Be so fucking for real right now. I expect having to negotiate those off on a new car, not used.

Additional factor is that my catalytic converter is going. My check engine light came on last month, I had the codes pulled and it is the cat. With the Prius, this will be negligible, if it does go out, it would produce more emissions, which right now it's a low emission car anyway... From what I could find online, that is really the downside, and it might get louder. I did a cat cleaner thing in the fuel tank three weeks ago and the light hasn't come on since. To be fair it turned off a couple days after it came on, then came back after a couple weeks. I got an estimate for the repair/replacement, $1200, which for a car that's maybe worth $2500 at this point, it's not worth the repair. 

I'm not sure what to do at this point, so I'm just going to keep saving I guess. I hate being an adult and having to make decisions sometimes.

Be So Serious Right Now!!

Man, this is fucking ridiculous.The cheating allegations aside, this is cause/effect or maybe just the finale of where we are at regarding late stage capitalism??? IDK. I have been seeing reports of how suspicious it is that soooo many people voted democrat for their representatives, but the presidential vote was for trump? How is that when the majority of people vote straight down the ticket? I am tired of the rhetoric of "when they go low, we go high", fuck all of that. Could you please do something???? I mean, the "trying to fire "woke" generals" sounds a bit like history repeating itself if you ask me... and that's just one part of it!

Anyways, I have been researching for ladies beginner handgun classes, and I bit the bullet (har har) and signed up a few weeks and had the class earlier this month. It was pretty cool, and although nerve racking as this was the first time as an adult I have shot a gun, and I think I've only done it once before when I was like 12 or 13 with my step dad. I did really well!

I wanted to shoot compacts, as I plan to get my license to carry, but after holding some of the rentals I ended up shooting a Sig P365 (not sure of the model or trim on that) and a Springfield Echelon, which were pretty big compared to the smaller compacts. I preferred the Springfield overall, and only shot like 10 rounds on the Sig. I haven't purchased anything yet, but would like to rent a few more to get the feel before I make a buy. 

I went shooting a second time and rented a Smith & Wesson M&P3 Shield, Daniel Defense H9, and Glock 19X. I really like the Glock. I am not sure it's really the best choice for conceal carry, but I am also not planning on carrying on my person (like tucked in holster), but probably a crossbody bag or my purse (if I do carry at all). So, IDK if that will be my first purchase, but so far it's been my favorite to shoot. 

The industry and market of guns is wild, and I mean that as there's a lot to it that I have never concerned myself with. Truly, guns have just been this vague concept to me, as I never thought I would own one, but there has been some suspicious people outside my townhouse every so often, and this is Texas, wasn't I supposed to be given a gun when I drove across the state line? I mean come on! 

No, but seriously, this isn't only about the election results, but I am a bit freaked out about what I've come across on my doorbell camera on occasion. One time there was just a woman standing on the sidewalk to my porch, staring at my door. My neighbor told me about her neighbors experience with this, as she must have came by my porch before going to the last unit and repeatedly ringing the bell, then hiding behind one of the bushes around his porch for a few hours. She did look and move like she was on drugs or very drunk. 

Also watching people on social media evacuate from Helene and Milton. Things get crazy in those kind of situations, and I couldn't imagine not having something to protect myself with, just in case. 

I did recently reactivate my Tinder to look for men into guns and could give me pointers, and I've got a full inbox, so... Hey, bullets are expensive, why not have range dates? I can actually learn something from men instead of being annoyed with them. This is a win-win for both parties, think about it. Men get to explain all things guns to me, I get to ask all my annoying questions and stress them out, then I also feel like this may trigger a bit of the protective aspect for men, but either way, they get to feel like an expert, which maybe they are, but I think when someone gets to teach you something, especially to a captive audience, it is a positive. There's just something to it, I don't know what it is, but I've noticed that men I've dated and they taught me about something and I asked more in depth questions, we've dated longer and had better communication. 

However, all of this has made me miss Steve. Like, to the point where I've considered reaching out since he is an instructor, and we talked about him taking me shooting when we were dating, but I ended things prior to it happening. I mean, on our first date we went to a gun show FFS. And it isn't just guns either. It was just a catalyst to thinking about him, and then I just missed him being part of my day. 

I think he was the best match that I've dated this year, or in a lot of years. I just have to remember that he wasn't perfect, as brains will want to show the highlight reel of everything good instead of including the things that were frustrating to me. 

There will be no contact, just like everything else, I am fully capable of doing things myself. 

A Very Merry Unbirthday

I spent my birthday solo, as per usual. Also fresh from recovery, only 10 days post op. I spoke with multiple friends and family members. I picked up Chinese food to go and also a slice of cake from the diner that Amanda and I got breakfast take out from when she picked me up from surgery. It was a slice of Ding Dong cake, and Jesus, it was RICH (and delicious). 

Anyway, sometimes when I write about my birthday, I write a list of things I want to buy myself, but since this is now past tense, I will list out what I bought myself (yikes). I actually had a $100 gift card to Amazon and then I had saved all my credit card cashback to spend on myself for my birthday, and it worked out perfectly. 

This Jennifer Boswell canvas painting of Santa Barbara. I would have preferred a paper print to be honest, I hate mounted canvas prints, but it will do for now. Once I find a vintage frame I plan on taking it off the wood and framing it. 

A large arched mirror from Amazon for my foyer. I'm obsessed! Not with the mirror itself, the quality is okay, but my foyer looks so much better with a mirror there. 

Two Simple Modern Halloween tumblers, the Ghost in the big Trek (40 oz), and the bats in the kids Trek (24 oz). I have succumbed to tumblers with a handle, as my 40oz hydroflask was a pain to lift due to carpel tunnel in my right arm, which is where I keep my water. But, I could have dealt. But they were HALLOWEEN print! I cannot resist. I'm not sorry! I actually do not buy many water bottles or tumblers, no need since I've used the same ones for multiple years. Which is the point...

Dossier Perfume Black Opium dupe. I love perfume, but I very rarely buy name brand. I love Dossier, I don't care, give me all the dupes. 

By Rosie Jane perfume oil in Maddie. I bought this because it was deeply discounted and I was buying my friend something for her birthday on Sephora. This is a perfect beachy scent with jasmine, it's so nice. Seems like they are discontinuing it though. 

I also bought some kind of fancy sex toys, one to be used with a partner (WHO???), so that was probably a waste of money, but oh well. Those are still being shipped from the UK, and I hope they get delivered. 

It was a good day. 

I also got a text message from Steve, which shocked me, and my heart literally fell through my ass. I was truly not expecting to hear from him ever again (not that I would have minded, I didn't end things because I didn't like him, we were not aligned). He wished me a HBD and that he hoped I was doing well. After my emotions stopped flipping, I composed a simple thank you and hoped that he was doing well. He wrote back that he was and he hoped I had a good day. I hearted it and that's it. 

I miss him a lot, I wish things had worked out differently, but that just wasn't how the cookie crumbled. 

It was still a good day.

An Eviction of Sorts

After going through multiple scans, appointments, and an extremely painful biopsy with my new gynecologist, we finally got to the point of what to do about my heavy menstrual bleeding, debilitating cramping and fibroids. I was left with the options of an IUD, ablation, or hysterectomy. I wanted the hysterectomy. I had a laparoscopic total hysterectomy with bilat salpingectomy and a cystoscopy. I kept my ovaries. 

I will say for a "major surgery", which everyone kept reminding me that this was, my doctor did not seem concerned or they didn't make it out to be a big deal. I was more anxious leading up to it, and I will say, I felt a way about arriving to the hospital alone, dropped off by an Uber, and walking with the surgical nurse alone when the other people that arrived while I was waiting were all with someone. I know that this is a thing for people, but it did make me want to try and build more community around me. 

I'm a very private person, on type of that I'm extremely hyper independent, so it would be hard for me to rely on anyone. I was already uncomfortable with my best friend coming up the next day to take me home. 

Anyway, it was daunting to be in a cheapy gown on the pre-op unit by myself. I just kind of laid there and listened to the other people chatting. I was anxious, but not very scared, but I did keep telling myself I could back out, I could just go home and not deal with this. I actually wasn't scared about the surgery, I was fearful of the recovery. What's going to change? I won't be able to workout and keep my routines, what if I gain weight? What if something goes wrong, what if my internal stitches rip and I hemorrhage (this is still a concern 20 days later, apparently it takes something like 6 weeks to fully heal). 

However, then a burly dude with tatted forearms was pushing Versed and Gabapentin through my IV and wheeling me into the operating room, I was asked to shuffle over onto another table and it was so cold I shaking badly as the nurse put the mask over my face and then I woke up to a woman yelling "OH GOD IT HURTS SO BAD, IT HURTS, IT HURTS" on repeat and I was like omfg please die quietly. God, so rude. 

The post op nurse noticed I was awake and came over to ask how I was, as if I knew. I asked if I have said anything or have been yelling like that lady, and she said no, haven't said anything. I said good and went back to sleep. I vaguely remember being wheeled into my room, and from there I asked for my bag, took out my earplugs and sleep mask and only woke when the nurses came in to bring me meds. I sent off a few text messages, but that was all. Honestly, best two things I brought to the hospital. 

I had a catheter, so I literally didn't move until that evening when the nurse asked if I wanted to try walking, I said sure, why not. Walked down the hall while she held my very expensive purse of piss (sorry to be crass, it just sounded too good). Felt a bit light headed, but overall fine. When back to my room, back to sleep. I did have to be on oxygen for a while because my O2 levels kept dropping and the fucking alarm kept going off, I called the nurse and was like "can you turn this off" and she's like "no, you stop breathing, so it makes an alarm. I'll put you on oxygen". Okay, fine. 

I figured it was because I was so medicated, but whatevs. I was fine after a few hours. The next morning they removed the catheter, which was just uncomfortable, but not awful. Now, the first urination after, that is kind of uncomfortable, but if you've had a UTI, it's nothing. Although you do urinate bubbles, which was weird and gross. What was more annoying was having to get up every 30 minutes to use the bathroom because you have been given a fuckton of IV fluids and it has to work it's way through. I don't think I've been that hydrated for years honestly! 

I was able to get dressed by myself, brushed my teeth. My friend arrived with her newish baby and we chatted and waited for my doctor to discharge me. I took another walk, but walked down both hallways and back to my room. No problems. My doctor finally came around 11am and said that the surgery went really well, although my uterus "did not want to come out". Apparently there were fibrous lesions adhering itself like a spiderweb to other organs in my body. She didn't say I had endometriosis or any other diagnosis, but my organs were sent to pathology, so I would find out sooner or later. 

I forced myself to take it slow and easy and just rest without guilt for the first 2 weeks (I also had those two weeks off work). Mostly I was bored. That's a good thing. I walked around my house, the cats crowded me, I read, worked on some cross stitch projects, and watching movies. Mostly I was on TikTok though, I should look at my screen time, but it's probably atrocious during those weeks!

I've had my first post op (at 2 weeks) and everything is good. The external incisions are healing nicely, no infection or anything. I will have an internal exam at 6 weeks post op. I was cleared to start walking at the gym, nothing crazy, I walk at a slow to normal pace with no incline. Yesterday I also started some gentle stretching that I found from physical therapists online for post hysterectomy recovery. No issues, pain or really any negative feeling doing those. I also went slow and controlled. Even though I want to be more active, I am reinforcing the need to be gentle and take it easy overall. 

It's wild to think I won't have a period anymore, like what! I have heard that I could still experience some light bleeding from the cuff, but I haven't experienced anything like that, besides light spotting the day after surgery. I had a few days of sharp pinching at an incision, when I asked my doctor she said it was probably the internal stitches dissolving, and the nerve regrowing. It went away on it's own. 

The thing that's weird is now I don't have an organ there and your intestines kind of move to take up that space. Now when I have gas or any bowel issues, it feels like period cramps, so that's super fun 😑. Overall, I psyched myself over this surgery by reading other peoples stories in r/hysterectomy and causing unnecessary anxiety. But people rarely have anything positive to report when they want to "share their experience", so just something to keep in mind. 

Thanks for the well wishes that I've already received, everything is good and I'm doing well! 

A Second Date - Let's Play Pool

The short guy, James, suggested a fun activity for our second date, and I thought that was a good idea. I suggested playing pool. I am so stuck on how much fun I had playing pool with Adam. As if that would happen again. I'm not going to get into how love bombed I was with him, because intentional or not (it was intentional), that's who/how Adam is/was. Anyways. 

James is not smooth like Adam, and that's fine, I would prefer someone with honest intentions, even if the vibes are not amazing and "feel so right" (eyeroll). We had a good time playing pool for about 2-2.5 hours. He asked me how I was feeling about the upcoming surgery, and he also broke the touch barrier a bit by guiding me by the small of my back, rubbing my back a bit in sympathy/understanding when I was explaining my anxiety. Our conversation again was good, I was able to get a better look at him, he is very short. I mean, we hugged goodbye on our first date and his head is like tit height, for real. It's kind of awkward. 

Anyway, he asked if I wanted to get dinner, then asked if it would be okay if he drove us, and he would bring me back to my car. I agreed. He drives a nice new Ford Raptor truck, I am not sure if those are the numbered trucks, I don't really keep track of all that, besides I'm a Toyota girl anyway. It's so much easier for me when cars have names instead of numbers, lol.

Anyway, he suggested Chuy's, which I have never been to and seems like a mid Tex-Mex restaurant. I was open to it and honestly, am glad because they have this Jalapeno-Tomatillo ranch dressing that is amazing, omg. It's the good restaurant made ranch too, man. Let me get a pint of that to-go, pronto. The rest of the food was whatever. I ordered rolled chicken tacos, and let me tell you... if I was alone or at home, I would have been dipping that entire flauta into that ranch, like a bath of ranch, a baptism. I am an unhinged sauce girl. We had more good conversation and he told me a bit more about his upbringing. 

Something that he has brought up a lot when I've talked to him is his home and neighborhood. He does a lot of things DIY, and is a jack of all trades type. He was telling me about current outdoor projects he had going on, and mentioned that him and like 3 other neighbors are the original owners since the neighborhood was built. So, when he told me that he doesn't live far from the area, and asked if I wanted to see his neighborhood "we can just drive through", I agreed. I honestly didn't think about it, but as we were driving, I was like, wtf, this is how people get murdered!

Here's the thing, I still don't have a read on this guy. He does live in a very nice area, and he was truthful and gave me a tour of the neighborhood, then drove by his house, pointed it out, and where his property goes to, and what he is working on (that is viewable from the street, as there is a fence in the backyard). then he pulled into his driveway and asked if I wanted to see the inside, I said "no, I don't think that's a good idea", and he said "no problem", put the truck in reverse and started the drive back to my car. No attitude, no resentment or trying to convince me. 

Looking back, I am annoyed with myself that I agreed to that, and I don't know why I did. I just put together in my head that he talks about his house a lot and seemed really proud of it, and when I owned my house I was the same. But as a woman, I do not want to show a man where I live unless I am ready for that, and it will take a while of talking/getting to know that person. So, I didn't think ulterior motive, but my hyper vigilance came into play like halfway there, and then in retrospect. 

That aside, his house (from the outside) is really nice. During dinner he mentioned he is not sure he wants to live with someone again, but then during another part of our conversation stated that he has older furniture that he is not going to update because he knows that if a partner moves in she will probably want to upgrade and he would prefer to cater to her style to make her happy there. So which one is it?? So contradictory. I think he just doesn't want to play his hand or appear too hopeful or something. 

When we got to my car he got out and we said goodbye. I wasn't sure how to navigate this part, so I was just upfront and blunt about if he wants to continue dating, since I will be out of the game for a while. He said that yes, he would like to continue dating, verified my surgery date, and said he would reach out to make sure I am okay. We hugged goodbye and that was it. 

As the day moved on, and the rest of the weekend, I was really curious about his intentions of asking me to go into his house. For someone who has not been inappropriate or sexual at all, I don't believe it was to try and sleep with me, but I had nothing else to think about prior to surgery, it was easier to overthink about that, than the looming procedure. Answer is, not sure. I haven't thought about it for a while honestly. The date was good and I had fun, we are continuing to get to know each other, and I have been liking what he is showing me. 

A First Date at Milano's

I was not too sure when I matched with this guy that I would be very interested in him, and I am still a bit on the fence, but I'm letting him show me who he is. I know, spoiler alert, but eh. I am not much for dramatics I guess. 

Anyway, Labor Day weekend I matched with this guy, financial advisor (an actual fiduciary), a self proclaimed "Texas gentleman", Capricorn, looking for something long term. We had great communication on the app, he asked for my number to have a phone call, I agreed. We had a call, it went well, and he asked if I would like to get coffee and "hang out". No, I would not. 

Here is an example of my "too old to have high standards" standards, but I do not accept coffee dates. I don't accept low investment dates at all. Are we running errands? Because when I run errands I will get a coffee, but even when I hang out with my girlfriends, the minimum is going out for dinner. 

This guy went out of his way to compliment my communication with him twice, when we were still messaging on the app, and then over the phone, but you want to have coffee? You were telling me that you are attracted to me, enjoy talking to me, I'm "refreshing", intelligent, funny, and feel that we have a good rapport, but lets go with a low effort date of coffee? Because that's what this is. Am I supposed to do my hair and makeup and wear a cute outfit, which is a minimum 60 minutes of prep time to have coffee with you? Forget about it. Is the Texas gentleman on the phone with us???

Anyway, I told him no, that I date traditionally, yadda yadda, I am interested in traditional dating, like dinner or even brunch, and that if it doesn't work for him, then I've enjoyed our conversation. He changed his direction and suggested dinner on Monday at 6pm, and would find a restaurant halfway between our places. This also made me roll my eyes, but whatever. 

Look, if I am dating someone in Austin, I will meet you halfway, but where are the gentlemen that are actually going to plan a date near me so I don't have to drive far? THAT is gentlemanly. And look, it isn't that I mind driving, it's the consideration. 

It sounds like I don't like this guy, and that isn't it. I don't know him and I had liked what he told me so far, but this was not working for him. He texted me the next day with the restaurant, and I was surprised about the place, as it was close to my house. When we met up, he told me he wanted to find a place near me that looked nice. I was confused since he said he wanted to meet halfway, but didn't say anything, just that I had never been to this restaurant and was excited to check it out. 

Okay, also.... I am going to be a bit mean for a minute, but he did not disclose his height on his profile, and I knew immediately that was intentional (I mean immediate when messaging on the app), and even when we spoke on the phone I thought, "he sounds short", I don't know, you can just tell sometimes, sorry!! but I was right. I think the guy is barely 5'5. I knew he was going to be short, but be so serious right now. Is this why you wanted to go on a coffee date? You could just really pull the "gentleman" game and have your height disclosed on your bio, but no. How is this logistically going to work, I am 6'1. I am truly, factually, in my medical record, no shoes on SIX FOOT ONE INCH tall. 

Anyway the date itself went well, we had great conversation and are quite complimentary. He is very curious and asked a lot of questions, nothing too deep, but not impersonal either, a seemingly perfect mix. I am finding it hard to get a read on him, and I am very curious about this. It is generally not hard for me to sum someone up, I read people very well and it's just very natural (thanks childhood trauma!), but besides his pupils being dilated and the continued questions, I don't know with him. 

Okay, and here is where something I said previously comes in, I have never dated a complimentary zodiac sign, and an earth sign on top of that. Not to sound like a witch or anything, but this is something I have wanted to try (for science!!) for soooo long! I have dated like all the other signs, but man I've wanted to just see if the complimentary signs to Virgo are actually a thing, honestly, I date so much, who wouldn't experiment?!?! 

I wonder if him being an earth sign is what makes him hard to read, or he is just very closed off, obviously not everything can be attributed to a zodiac or elemental sign, but I am willing to see this through, I mean, I've done the other research!! 

Anyway, I had a good time with him, height difference aside. He is successful, intelligent (intellectually and emotionally), passionate about helping people, and seems very content and confident on who he is. I'm just not very attracted to him. Do I like his other attributes? Yes. I'm aware that if I were the man in this situation and I wasn't attracted to the women, it wouldn't matter if she was the most interesting woman in the world, I wouldn't see that person again. With women, it's a bit different. I'm very attracted to personality and intelligence, and attraction can grow from that. 

I am basically just seeing where this goes. I told him I would be interested in seeing him again, because I did have a good time on our date. Besides, I've been down bad for some dog shit ugly guys before that were toxic as hell and did nothing for me, so let's see where it goes. 

I told him that my last availability would be the upcoming weekend, and then I would have having surgery and not available while I recovered. He was concerned and asked if it was serious, I said yes, because a hysterectomy is considered major surgery. He asked if it was due to cancer, I told him no. He then very kindly asked if I needed help with anything, or with my cats, and I said I was okay. My friend was coming down, and another was going to help me with my cats when I needed it. I was kind of surprised he offered, so maybe my read on him is that he is more interested than what I can determine. 

Time will tell. 

We're in the Ber's

I love the "Ber" months! My townhouse is already decorated with Halloween things that I've had stored and some that I have been hunting around town for. I really have a problem with this every year. Last year I did most of my Christmas shopping, so I don't need to pick up anything additional this year, thankfully. 

My last update was sometime in July, I've been on a few dates since then, one with a guy that I really hit it off with, we spoke for a week before having brunch at The Hayden, he asked to get coffee at a small place behind the restaurant after. I was digging this guy, 6'4, a couple years older than me, no kids and really wasn't interested, homeowner, good career. We got coffee after breakfast and talked for an additional hour. He walked me to my car, I told him I would be very interested in seeing him again, he reciprocated interest. Then he ghosted. Okaaay. 

Then I went out with an older guy, he was 52, retired from a career as a military attorney. Homeowner, no children. Dating with intention to marry, made that very clear. He pursued, but really led with his wallet, which okay, I am all for a provider, but he seemed to have no interest in getting to know me as a person, just if I would be complimentary to his lifestyle... if that makes sense. And not complimentary as partners, but can he talk at me regarding his interests, and am I intelligent enough to converse on the topic or not. 

We went out on two dates, but I just couldn't see myself with him at all. I am not opposed to dating an older guy, but this guy was a no for me. I sent him a text thanking him for taking me out, but that I didn't see this going further, then blocked and unmatched him. 

Then I started talking to a guy that was a military contractor and currently overseas. This is usually a raging red flag for me, and I knew when I came across his profile that this guy was toxic as fuck, but I think I was quite bored with it all and engaged. I was right, he was quite toxic, but it was an interesting time. The love bombing was different than what I've experienced before, but it's all kind of the same at the end of the day and I just have to roll my eyes. We got into an argument because I told him he was being mean, and that he could get a lot farther with me by being kind and that really got under his skin. He then sent me a paragraph ending things, including a quip about how my standards are too high, especially at my age and that's "not how the world works". I was literally just asking you to be nice to me, but okay. I responded back "Ok", ensured the message was delivered, and blocked him on everything. 

And yes, I knew him well enough to know that my lack of emotional response, or any rebuttal, would have pissed him off, that's one of the reasons why I did it. Another was that I also wanted to end things, but I know that a guy as toxic as him, it has to be his idea; and third, I'm never going to argue about a break up. I guess I got this into my head a long time ago to just accept what the other person is telling you and exit with grace. I can be a mess and question it as much as I want in private or with friends, but I won't breakdown in front of the other person. 

Overall, it's been a slow summer for dating, but I don't think that's so bad. It's hot as hell here, and why get all made up just to sweat it all out? I've mostly just been working and at the gym and I'm pretty happy with that.