Weeping Willow

For the last week or so I have been thinking about the Firefighter. Yesterday A and I were chatting on the telephone and it came up. She asked me:

"Are you ashamed of him?"

Moi: "What do you mean?"

A: "I was ashamed when I started dating the Pilot, I was embarrassed of him. I thought 'this isn't the kind of guy I normally date' I even made a pro and con list when I was dating him, then I looked at that list and everything that was con was stupid shallow things, now when I look back on it, I am ashamed at myself for thinking that"

Moi: "Huh. Maybe. I just don't know, I know that I just don't see myself with him"

The conversation went on a little longer about random stuff, but I had to go to class, and then I obsessed about it in my mind. I had to admit to myself that for the last few nights and cold mornings that I would have loved to be cozied up close to him in bed. That I have wanted to hear the soft beep of a text and have it be a good morning message from him.

When it was just me, in the dark, laying in bed as I tried to sleep, I felt it. The truth. That I liked him, and I did what I do with most people who try to get close. I push them away, swift, and fast, a clean cut. It made me upset, and I'll admit that I cried a bit before I fell asleep.

So I woke up thinking what should I do now? I called A this morning and we had a serious conversation, A knows me better than anyone. What I was concluding was that The Firefighter presented no fear of loss, there was no games, this was uncharted territory for me. For some it could be easy, some people are evolved in relationships. I am not one of those people. I am evolved in game playing. I can give away the physical, because there is no real emotion attached. But the emotional? Yeah right.

I continuously mentioned that I wasn't sure if I just missed him or missed talking to a guy, was this just a case of the single girl blues? After much deliberation from A and I, she said

"Look, your not signing your death sentence here. Its not like this is the last guy your allowed to date. Maybe you reach out to him and he wants nothing to do with you, or maybe you guys start dating again, and you only date for like 3 months. It doesn't always work out, however, I think you need to really really give him a chance. Yeah, he may not be the hottest guy you've fucked, but what do you have to show for the hot guys you've been with? Nothing, because they all played games and when they got what they wanted they left"

Moi: "Well, when you put it like that..."

A: "I asked myself the same thing, I've been where you are right now. If you can't honestly see yourself hanging out with him, cooking together, watching a movie together and just doing stupid things together, then DO NOT contact him. There's no point"

Moi: "I see all those things, I see myself being a diva about going camping with him because their is no internet, I can see us watching a movie on my couch, and cooking together."

So after all that I sent him a text, just a "how are you" message, he wrote me back, I asked him if he would have dinner with me on Friday, and he said yes. So now, I will have to tell him all of this, and since I maybe have a second chance, I need to look past all the bullshit shallow excuses I used to push him away and be honest. He has all the traits I have been looking for in a guy, and he is attractive, I need to stop thinking of what other people would think, and focus on what I feel.

Fuck I'm dramatic. And messed up. Ta-da!