One Year Later pt 1

I was not lost on the date. I am not one of those girls that would track anniversaries, but it was easy to remember the day of our first date. We both work for the Feds and had Veteran's day off, so we went on a day date. One year later we were hanging out together in my apartment, watching movies and talking. Plenty of space between us.

We watched a couple movies, Bridesmaids, Our Idiot Brother, and an episode of Eastbound and Down. Odd that he hadn't seen that show. I love Kenny Powers. After that I was tired, and simply said "Do you want to go to bed?" I didn't know if he was planning on staying somewhere else that night, he never mentioned it, I never asked.

I decided to go for something a little more revealing for bed this time. A super low V cut light tunic sweater and small pink shorts. I knew what I had planned in my mind, I didn't know how to execute it so much. We settled into bed, our backs facing each other, talking softly about bullshit. Stupid bullshit. Once it was quiet, I tried to amp myself up. Thinking of what the negative feedback might be.

"HEY, do you want to cuddle or something?"

Yes, I'm one smooth motherfuckah. They 'hey' was a little loud. He laughed; he laughed and said that was so honest to my nature that it was hilarious. I knew he wouldn't make a move, and I am horrible at making the first move. So I figured I'd just be my spazzy honest self and just ask.

The Firefighter turned over and slid up behind me, draping his arm over my midsection. Almost obliging. Thats how it felt. Like maybe it wasn't something he wanted to do and just obliged me because he was staying at my house. Don't worry, I know what's going to be said "Now your irritated about how he cuddled you? He cuddled you, why do you have to nitpick if he was enthusiastic about it?" I know how it sounds.

We stayed in contact through the various moving and adjusting that bedtime brings. I was bored with just talking, and I was getting tired, I still had more of my plan to execute. I thought of another smooth line...

"Just so you know, I'm not opposed to fooling around... Just sayin... Just putting that option out there"

He laughed again.

The FF: "Can you imagine if I would have said that?, you probably would have kicked me out to the couch"
Moi: "I don't know about that, however, when are men not open to fooling around?"
The FF: "Point taken"

After a few minutes he rubbed his hand up and down my back. Then transitioning to kissing the back of my neck and pulling me closer to him. Once I turned around he traced my exposed skin from neck to chest, slowly, as we finally kissed. The last guy I kissed last year, was the first guy I kissed this year.

I needed more. I needed more passion in his kiss, he wasn't giving it to me. Passion could be the wrong word, enthusiasm. I could smell his hormones kick into gear, he never presented a smell before, but I could smell the arousal and his smell. So, why aren't you giving it to me?

I took my top off. I wanted more contact, more touching. I was the initiator, whether I wanted to be or not. I don't think he would continue anything without me provoking him. The whole thing was so half ass.

In a low husky voice the Firefighter asked "What do you want to do?"
Moi: "Everything"
The FF: "Everything?"
Moi: "Yes, everything. Are you saying you've never thought about it?"
The FF: "I have"
Moi: "Are you uncomfortable?"
The FF: "Its not that I'm uncomfortable, its that I attach easily, and I just don't want us to get attached to each other"
Moi: "Look, we are not dating, we are not in a relationship, we are not going to be in a relationship. We know each other, we trust and respect each other. To be honest, we are not friends. We crossed the friendship line a long time ago. You can't back step to just be friends, it does not work. We are far enough away to keep this from being anything more. I don't mean because I'm here and your there, its because we're emotionally far away from each other."
The FF: "I get what your saying, and I know there is a tension when we just hang out and talk, its there, its just that I used to open myself up quickly and get attached easily, and then we weren't dating, and then you called me out of the blue to have dinner, then we are together again and it was hard for me to be that open like I was. It was just confusing. Once I moved I changed a lot and started to work on myself, I'm really happy now, and it makes me feel like shit to say that to you."

Now, I didn't ponder the first part of his statement last night. As I was recounting the story on the phone with A I realized what he had said. What I am gathering from that statement is that I did this to myself. This is my fault. That maybe if I would have realized what I realized after I told him I didn't want to date anymore, that this wouldn't be happening.

So now I am starting to believe that everything after we started dating again to the day he dumped me on Christmas was all a fucking lie. Thats what hurting me now. Was it all a lie? Was it all to get back at me for ending things before? Was this his game to hurt me like I apparently hurt him?

That hurts so much more than anything anyone else has ever done to me.