Zombie Love Affair

Perpetual

2012-02-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

"So who will you be dressing up all sexy in a candy cane skirt for tomorrow?"

I turned my head, slowly, for a dramatic interpretation of complete disgust "Ummm, no one, first of all, a candy cane skirt? Its Valentines day tomorrow, NOT christmas, i would totally work pink and leopard print lingerie, duh! Get it right!"

Spider: "Hahhahaha, sorry, my bad!"
Moi: "No, but seriously, no one... Come on now, I think your aware of my dating disaster lifestyle. What did you get for your girlfriend?"
Spider: "Man, nothing, shit, okay nothing yet. She wants me to make her dinner, but I have no idea what to get her"
Moi: "Way to play it last minute dude"

In a weird way I enjoy seeing guys scramble around Target or the mall searching for gifts for their sig other. I think its the frantic look on their faces. I usually get pretty down on Valentines day, but I'm in a great fucking mood today. Even though I'm sitting alone in my cold, and slightly dark apartment, I don't care.

Spider wanted to hear some of my "Greatest's Hits" of bad dates, so I told him about First Date #28, and his little anger problem. Then recounted some of the other guys I have talked with online in attempts to make connections that never amounted to an actual date. I can laugh about it now, but it doesn't make it less frustrating, which is what I told him.

Spider: "Your just dating the wrong guys"
Moi: "Oh, I dated a good guy. It took me 5 years of dating to find him, then he broke up with me on Christmas day, so how good was he really? I'm just kind of over the whole dating scene. I still talk to guys, I'm just not as invested"
Spider: "You don't want to date anymore?"
Moi: "I find men disgusting lately"
Spider: "So your going to find a girl then?"
Moi: "No, nothing like that, its just I've been watching a lot of movies that have rapes in them and I keep getting grossed out by guys"
Spider: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Fucking watching rape-y movies! Your crazy!"
Moi: "Its not like I picked up the movie and said 'oh this has a rape in it, PERFECT!', they are good movies, and had rapes in them, I didn't know about it"

We talked about the movies, Trust, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Trust is good, but awful to watch. Dragon Tattoo is pretty badass and I highly recommend the American version. I think it is way better that the Swedish version, and yes, I watched both.

Spider: "I kinda wish I was single"
Moi: "What?, Why?"
Spider: "I just, I just never got that time for me, I've always been in relationships"
Moi: "Hmm, so are you doubting the relationship you have now?"
Spider: "Not really. I mean no, I don't doubt our relationship, I just wish I had my single time, and not because I want to fuck a lot of girls, but because I don't know what its like to really date"
Moi: "We are the complete opposite, you are the perpetual relationship guy and I am the perpetual single girl. Being single is fun. I get to do what I want, whenever I want to do it. I can randomly fuck guys if I wanted to, and different guys every night if I was that kind of girl. I can spend my money how I want, I never have to tell anyone what I'm doing or where I'm going. Even dating can be fun, after your first couple of dates. When you get into double digits of first dates it starts to become less fun. When you get to a point where it seems that your wasting your time, its not fun at all. I don't know if I will ever find someone, and the search is completely frustrating"
Spider: "Man, why do you say that, you will find someone, you just haven't found the right guy."
Moi: "Perhaps"

I was surprised that he said that. That he wants to be single. He made it clear that he loves his girlfriend, but is sad that he missed out on his "single years", like it was a thing of the past, and now that he is older he is supposed to be in a committed relationship. Maybe that is the case for him, that it is something of the past. Similar to how I wish I had gone to college right after high school. Who knows.

I'm happy with being me right now. No labels of "single" or "in a relationship" needed.

"It Seems Like Fate..."

2012-02-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

I don't want to believe in fate. I throw the word around in whimsy when I blog sometimes, but in reality, I don't think that there is some kind of plan for me. I make my own choices, there is no league of gentlemen that have mapped my future, no Milo Rambaldi that prophesied my destiny.

I believe more in chance. People who fall madly in love like to use the word "fate" or "destiny". "We were destine to meet!", or "It was fate that she happened to be there at that exact moment" not likely. I hold no opinion for people who believe that, its just that I am a woman of science, not a woman of faith.

Whew, thats 2 JJ Abrams references in 2 paragraphs already, I'm on a nerd roll.

Last week I got a call from Flex asking if I got the email from CSU Long Beach that stated he had made it to the second round of the application process. The email had attachments, they were asking for supplemental information. I haven't received that email.

Moi: "Well, I guess my decline letter is in the post"
Flex: "Oh, don't say that, I just got this letter"
Moi: "What's the time stamp?"
Flex: "Uhh,... Midnight"

It was 6PM. My last name is before his alphabetically. At the end of last year, I was sure I would be moving to Long Beach in the summer to start school. It was just a gut feeling. Now, I don't think I will be moving at all this year, and I don't care anymore. I am so frustrated that I have to take classes that I have essentially already taken. Flex and I talked about that for a while.

Moi: "I just, I just don't care. This is too frustrating, I don't want to do this, I've been going to school for so long now that it doesn't make sense why I am still going, I don't think its right to have 2 completely different curriculum requirements for the same major"
Flex: "I know, but its just this semester, and who cares how long it takes as long as it gets done, right?"
Moi: "I care."
Flex: "Yeah, but you need to keep going, keep at it, you'll get there. I don't care how long it takes me to finish as long as I finish, you know? I feel like I should say something more to comfort you or make you feel better, I just don't know what."
Moi: "I appreciate that, and of course I will finish, I just don't want it to take so long because of bureaucratic bullshit"
Flex: "Yea that's true, but I think this was all for a reason. I mean, it was fate that we met the way we did. It wasn't just chance, I mean what are the odds in a city of this size? I think we were meant to be in each others lives"

What did that have anything to do with anything I was talking about? People meet in school all the time. I don't think there is any kind of fate or destiny for Flex and I. Maybe for friendship, but I know other people in the same nutrition/fitness/science/medicine realm that are having a hard time getting into school as well. Granted he is the only other nutrition major I communicate and plan with. I think it was just coincidence.

Its not like I knew him when I walked into Biochemistry class. I heard him say he was in the same online class as me, and I responded that I was in the class and if he wanted to study together to let me know. Okay, honestly I said "Hey, if you want to get together and cheat, let me know!... Or uhhh work together..." across a slowly filling classroom. I have no filter.

I'm just tired of going to school. If I was learning something new and interesting I know I would have more spirit. Flex has been nice about it and tries to lift my spirits. Its nice of him to do, he always cares. Which makes me believe that when he told me that he was attracted to me before, that it wasn't so much of a drunken stupor.

Regardless of that, there is no destiny or fate entwined for us. There is, however, 14 weeks left of school.

Now I'll Make This About ME!!

2012-02-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

This is a snippet of a post that I wrote in September, I didn't publish it and I don't remember why but its applicable to what I am writing about today.

"So, let me just tell you a little about my weird personality. I hate hate hate reminding people my birthday is coming up. In fact if you know me in the real world, then you are probably a FB friend. Facebook reminds you, in the top right hand corner it says "Birthdays: Danielle". Besides my sister and step cousins birthday was also this month and they made a big hub-ub about their birthday on Facebook and I thought it was very trashy. So I never say anything. I just wait.

I just wait to see who will take the time to write me a little note, send me a text, or call me up. Is this fucked up? Probably. However, I don't give a shit. I want to see who notices and will spend 30 seconds to write me something. If I'm allowed 1 day a year to be absolutely vain and selfish, or if anyone is for that matter, it is their birthday.

The only people that wrote me a little message were some family members, and a family friend/old neighbor. Thats just sad. Of course A called me and my mom. I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, I wanted to stay at home, make dinner and watch the shows I put off because I was studying for an exam I had that day. However, JS ended up coming over, uninvited BTW, to "hang out" which meant that he moaned and groaned about just being dumped by his girlfriend, then proceeded to drink 1.5 bottles of my wine.

I am kind of pissed about a few specific people that didn't say anything to me. Considering I have gone out of my way to either cheer them up, help them with homework questions, or whatever. I feel almost petty for feeling this way too, so I am conflicted about it.

I have issues with being neglected, they are deep rooted from my childhood and I hate talking about them. This is why I play the little "Who is going to notice me" game. I never game on ZLA because I didn't start a blog to see who would comment on my stories. I started it just for me, and followers or commenters are just an awesome bonus. If no one read, I would still write."

So forward to today, February deux. Its JS's birthday. The way he acted on my birthday made me really annoyed. I believe I actually reminded him that my birthday was coming or he had asked about 2 days before said date. Then he proceeded to ask, via text, where I want a gift card too, almost in a "I'll put this on my list of errands".

I mentioned this before, but I've been trying to not dwell on things and be angry about stuff I cannot change. Its really hard for me because I consider holding grudges to be a fine art. People like to act like they don't hold grudges or they are above it, that's fine, I don't act that way. I don't let it destroy me, I just know that some people, or acts they commit, don't deserve forgiveness, or me forgetting. Yes, I probably need loads of therapy, but I'm not trying to be the Dali Lama.

Then I remember, I may hold grudges, but I'm still a nice person, and a good friend of mine was going through a hard time, so I sucked it up and just listened. I really don't have enough going on in my life to turn today into something about me, and I've never been that person anyway.

So instead, I texted him a Happy Birthday message when I thought he would be awake. Then after class, I went to Target to buy birthday candles. Then went through my nightmare of finding street parking in Hillcrest, at lunchtime, to go to Babycakes and pick up a box of different flavored cupcakes.

Even if thoughtful good things are not always done for me, if I have the ability to do them for others, I will. Maybe in the hopes that Karma will come my way, but most likely its for the cause and effect of cheering that person up, or making their day.

Its ALWAYS the thought that counts

Check Up

2012-01-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

There has been things here and there since this post, about one of the new guys I work with. I have been trying to keep work at work and not let the fact that another new guy that was hired in September has a higher position, thus makes more money than me, all because he is friends with my boss, affect me. It does affect me, but in order to keep my sanity and not be angry all the time, I brush it off. Then I comfort myself by remembering that at least I'm not a douchebag that eats loudly like a pig at a trough.

Anyway, back to the program, the new guy (now nicknamed Spider) who gave me the Q&A. Yesterday I had to work late. I was in and out of the office before he came in for his shift, and I didn't get back to the office until everyone had already left. Our office closes at 4:30, unless you have to work late, like I always have to do.

It was about 4:30PM and I was about to leave my field location when my phone rings. No one really calls me, I always seem to communicate with everyone via text. It was the office, I didn't know why anyone would call me at this time, but if it was for sampling I was going to get super mad.

Moi: "hello.."
Spider: "Hey, is everything okay?"
Moi: "What do you mean,... OMG are you calling to check up on me?"
Spider: "YES OKAY! I haven't seen you all day, and its almost the end of day, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, sheesh, next time I won't even call, gawd!"
Moi: "Oh that's so nice"
Spider: "Yeah right! You make me come across as a stalker!!"
Moi: "No, I think its nice, no one ever calls me anymore. But seriously, I'm just working late, nothing wrong"
Spider: "Okay, well I was just checking, no one has seen you today"

The thing I like about Spider is that I can say something sarcastically or accusingly and he plays back with a joke or a quick quip to get me back. However, I get weirded out sometimes, maybe its the tone of our conversations, or how easy they flow, or just general chemistry. Maybe I am just sensitive to that kind of thing, I don't know.

I thought the check up on me was weird, I am not trying to make it more than what it was, but it was just weird. It could have something to do with me being the only person that has been in a serious car accident while working. I'll let it be that.

I'm working late today again. Making Stacks and Stacks and Stacks.

I love some ghetto Hip-hop.

School Days

2012-01-24T13:51:00.000-08:00

Spring semester started this week. All my classes are boring and lackluster. No biology classes, which I am sad about. All of my classes are for getting into CSU Long Beach, so some are backtracking things I already took. Or taking classes I didn't know I needed and a lot of them are intro classes, so I am stuck with a bunch of babies.

One reason I'm partially glad that school has started again, even if I'm not excited about my classes is Flex. I haven't written about him in a long time, but Flex is always around, even if we are not in classes together, like last semester. I mean around via texts or phone calls. We have been talking a lot lately for our applications to school and planning this semester.

Almost all of our classes are together this semester, which will be very helpful. All of my classes besides chemistry lab are online. Today I went to campus to the chemistry lecture to get an add code from the professor. I needed it today and professors are taking forever to get back to me. Flex was already on campus and we scheduled to meet up before class.

I waited outside my classroom with other students, the campus was busy, busy, busy. Flex is easy to spot out. At 6 foot, his size is muscularly massive. I spotted him easily and I saw him scan the crowd for me. I moved to meet him and his face spread out into a grin and I could see his arms move out to embrace me.

I usually hate hugging, and even when Flex and I first became friends he would hug me, and I would always do a halfsie type of hug. I was always unsure of where I should place my arms, it always felt uncomfortable. This time was different.

It was a genuine show of affection, not in an "I like you" way, but of friendship "I care about you" way. It felt like I was in the arms of a bear. Completely natural and not a bit uncomfortable. This is a big thing for me. For some this seems simple, but genuine affection hasn't been a big player in my life. Coming from me, or others.

I thought about this later in the day, on my way home from school. I'm sad that it isn't a big part of my life. I'm sad that its missing. I want to see this every day, a full genuine smile and arms that open for me. Maybe its selfish to want this everyday, I wouldn't know.

Dirty Laundry

2012-01-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

Thursday evening I heard Mr Rogers in the laundry room. Naturally I needed a reason to be outside to say hello so I grabbed my recycling can and took it out. Cue "Creep" by Radiohead right about now...

Anywho, as he is exiting the laundry room shed, and I am about to go up our stairs, I notice he is trying to turn the lock on the door. Its a simple lock that you move from horizontal to vertical. For some reason it gets jammed 1/4 of the way instead of turned the complete half.

"That's been jamming, I don't know why, but the door will still lock if its only 1/4 of the way"
Mr Rogers: "Oh really? Yeah, I just want to make sure its locked after what happened yesterday night"
Moi: "Um what happened yesterday night?"
Mr Rogers: "Oh you didn't know, yeah I guess the girl that lives here got her clothes stolen from the dryer, they took her soap and stuff too"
Moi: "Someone stole her clothes? I bet it was some homeless guy. Its probably because the fence is broken in the back. Thats so crazy!"
Mr Rogers: "Yeah, I noticed that"
Moi: "I was going to fix it myself, since no one else has done it, but I am not very good with my drill and would probably break something"
Mr Rogers: "I can fix it if you have some screws"
Moi: "I think I might, let me check"

So glad I cleaned out my junk drawer recently. I took all my tool stuff and stored them in a plastic bin the size of a shoe box, and lo and behold a small baggie of screws. I grabbed what I needed and met him at the broken fence. Once he fixed it, we walked back to the stairs that lead to our adjoined apartments. I held in my sassy quip of asking if he wanted to drill anything else that evening, but I laughed in my head about it.

"That's so creepy, that someone broke into the laundry room, I didn't even hear anyone. It must have been from the alley, people would have noticed if they walked in from the front street. Damn homeless people"
Mr Rogers: "Yeah, those guys woke me up last night, going through the garbage"
Moi: "Oh, yeah, you will get used to that"

I read the note that the neighbor put in the laundry room, apparently the laundry room door was pried open, that really freaks me out. The laundry room is right below my apartment, they are linked in that it uses my electricity and my hot/cold water. Its roof is right below my dining room window. I have always been slightly irked about someone getting into my house that way. I can never keep that window open when I am not home or asleep.

I need a dog. Or an apartment with less homeless people around.

Mr Rogers

2012-01-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

Its been busy around my apartment for the last couple of weekends. I haven't been busy, but my shared wall sister apartment has. The weekend before last there were many people around, coming to look at it. A lot more than the last time it was empty. When I moved in I had a friendly gay couple living next door. I loved them. When they moved it took almost 4 months to find another renter.

The other renter moved out about 3 weeks ago, then the next weekend a viewing, then last weekend someone new.

I came home on Saturday to find a couch at the bottom of the stairs and heard a couple guys talking back in forth in the apartment. One walked out and said hello, I figured they were gay. I live close to San Diego's resident gay neighborhood, so between his inflection and what he was wearing I just assumed. He introduced himself to me and I told him my name.

"Yeah, I'm just trying to tell my idiot brother that his couch will not fit up there, but he has no common sense"

Okay, he is not gay, and not moving in. The 'idiot' brother stepped out onto the landing. Oh. He is cute, he is the average normal guy I always try to date, handsome but not in a 'striking' way. Definitely my type. This is so-not-good and oh-so-good at the same time. We just say quick hellos, but we didn't exchange names. The brothers go back to arguing if the couch will fit and I know I look like shit so I disappear into my apartment.

I couldn't help myself to not interrupt the senseless arguing, so I ask if they want a tape measurer to find out for sure. They say yes and the brother comes up to my door to get it. I say to him "You know, as a man one of you guys should have a tape measurer, yet a girl has to be the hero here", he laughs and says that he knows, and that his brother should know better because he used to be a mover.

They continue on about something, return my tape measurer and leave to get more things to move. I didn't see or hear them for the rest of the night.

When I came home from work on Sunday his apartment was quiet. I went about my business, finishing my little craft project and started to make dinner. My new neighbor, (who will now be referred to as Mr Rogers) came home. With a girl. Ugh, my gut sank. Damn, I didn't think he had a girlfriend because there was no one bossing him around when he moved in yesterday. Man, thats just my luck.

Okay, really I don't plan on making a move on him, I watched Sex and the City and we all remember the Miranda and Robert fiasco, don't shit where you eat, but who knows, this could be like fate or some dumb shit like that! I can dream.

I decided to do laundry so I had an excuse to be outside and catch a glimpse of this girl. I was actually planning on doing laundry tomorrow, but why put things off when you could do them now, and have the added benefit of spying on people?! Brilliant idea! As I was leaving the laundry room Mr Rogers stopped me.

"Hey can I ask how you have your living room set up? I'm trying to figure out the best way to put my couch in so everything fits"
Moi: "Oh, well, I have my couch against the window, I've tried other ways, but its really the only way that works"
Mr Rogers: "Oh, that's what I thought too, but my friend is saying I should do it another way, but I don't think that would look right, and that little corner crevice is so weird, I mean you can't really put anything there"

Please emphasize the point that she is just your friend. Not your girlfriend, yes. We talked about a few other things and then dispatched. I still don't know his name. I really need to work on that.

I've decided that I am 100% okay with having a crush on this guy. My life has been very crush-free, even crush-proof lately and I really need that kind of energy to creep back into my system. It feels almost 'bad' in a way knowing that I am into a guy that is living on the other side of my wall, but hey I didn't tell him to move there.

Elm Street

2012-01-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

I've swaddled myself in a pyramid like shape in my Liberty of London comforter. My head peaks out at the top as I scan the trees around me. I know exactly where I am, although I don't know why. The vividness of my blanket confuses me. Why this blanket? I'm hiding, sitting in the passenger side of a car, a convertible, my brother is here and there is a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex about a mile away, giving us an awful grin. Its ready to charge.

My brother wants to go higher, but I know where we are and the place he is thinking of is of no use. I can't move away. I will die a death by dinosaur teeth in this nightmare. I can feel myself slowly waking as my mind shakes with Rex's every step. I'm sleeping on my back, my hands numb beside my body. Not being able to feel my hands makes me wake faster and my eyes jolt open.

Its quiet, very early morning. This is the first nightmare in a long time. Long time for me is about 2-3 weeks. I frequently have nightmares and I am not sure why. I've tried various things, sleepy tea, eating meals earlier, nothing but water after a certain time in the day, working out vigorously so I don't have energy to dream. I don't watch scary movies ever, I don't watch movies that are considered to be 'Thrillers' in the evening.

When I first watching "The Town" I had a nightmare of skeleton creatures that broke into my house and murdered me. When I was a child I used to have nightmares about being kidnapped, they were very frequent. I remember now that I always wanted to be saved by my step father. I can still remember trying to choke out words telling him to save me as a figure drug me across a grassy park.

I can connect the dots through these nightmares. I want to be saved, evolve that to mean that I just want to be safe. As a child, I never felt safe, so now Its one of the most important things I look for in a man, if I let you into my life, can I feel safe with you? Many men I dated I knew I wouldn't be safe with, not that they would hurt me, just that they wouldn't care enough to keep me safe, physically or emotionally. I wasn't important enough to them.

I feel safe where I am, in this moment. Even if I am walking around my neighborhood at night, I know I can take care of myself. Maybe my subconscious doesn't think so. Isn't that what dreams/nightmares are about? Working through your subconscious's messy perception of your life?

JS takes one of those dirty street fighting, kick you when your down classes, maybe I should go to, just to be safe.

Bedrock

2012-01-06T15:19:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I live so far in the past, even though I'm here, 2012, here I am, living in the city. I drive a hybrid car, that makes me modern right? Right? Kind of...?

I really enjoy doing 'old' things. Canning jam and preserving, crocheting, sewing, quilting, hell my house is furnished with vintage furniture pieces. I've made space for modern conveniences, but when I see other peoples technology and fancy thingamajigs I feel like I'm Wilma Flintsone in Bedrock, using some kind of pig as a garbage disposal (Side note: I wish I had a pig for a disposal, my apartment doesn't even have a garbage disposal!).

However, I feel sometimes that all the new technology can be just as much as a hinderance as it can be helping us. I think its why I've strayed away. But I'm about to catch up, well not to 2012 standards, maybe to 2010 standards. I'm going to buy myself a Kindle.

I set a goal to read at least 35 books this year, I think between school this is manageable. Last year I read about 2 books. That's awful!

Tony had brought his to work today and let me take a look at it. I always had the assumption that the screen would burn my eyes out or be exhausting to look at, similar to a computer screen. I'm so old.

Since I'm pretty low key, I'm getting the basic one, I don't need fancy apps or whatever, I have a fancy phone for that. I don't like the look of the one with the keyboard, and I don't like the touch screen one because I want to have the side buttons to turn the page.

I considered the one with ad's, but I hate being bombarded with advertisements everywhere I go in San Diego, I don't care if I save $20, its worth it to not see it.

Does anyone else have a kindle or are they so passe now? Any recommendations on the model are welcome since I don't know much about them. Nothing is set in stone yet.

NYE

2012-01-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

It started on a bad note. I went out Friday night for 30th on 30th in North Park. On the 30th of each month restaurants on 30th St participate in discounted food, beer, and wine. I needed to stop being lame so I went out, trying to avoid eating anything carbolicious and settled for soup and vegetable filled summer rolls.

I was out late, well late for me is anything past 9:30PM I'm afraid. I got home at almost midnight and had to work the next morning. I also needed to fit in a yoga class on Saturday to be sure there was no bloating whatsoever when I put on my dress. That would be bad.

I zombie'd into work on Saturday, no solid food, just kale and apple juice and some water. Made it to yoga, got home and started to get ready. I matched my makeup with the slip color of my dress, a light/dark pink smokey eye, I french braided pigtails and knot tied them in the back, then swooped a large segment of bang across my face and pinned right in front of my ear, some loose bang curls twisted out perfectly.

Then it was time to get dressed. I bought some thigh high tights to go with my outfit so my legs would be shimmery. Before you think that hose are so 1980s, I agree, but if Kate Middleton can rock them, so can I. Besides my skin is so white, I needed a little color. Thigh highs, spanx, strapless bra, check-check-check. Dress time. I slipped on the dress and zipped up the side, it looked perfect. Still not comfortable with the shortness, but oh well, I will rock that shit.

When I tried the dress on sitting down, it was a little snug, and it wasn't the shell, it was the slip inside. This is why I have been busting my ass for the last month, especially the last 2 weeks working out and juicing my meals. The sequined covered shell loosely moved when I moved, that fucking pink slip made me feel like a sausage. Even my spanx felt loose when I put them on.

That fucking slip.

So I decided that since I would be eating an expensive fancy meal that the dress would not be a good idea and nixed it. I was pretty mad. I went with plan b, some fitted black capris, light grey tank with dark grey tulle roses on the collar and the black velvet blazer I bought to originally go with the dress. It looked good, but I was disappointed.

I saw at least 5 girls with sequined dresses on. Even some drag queen had on a fabulous feather and sequined dress. I'm disappointed that the number on the scale hasn't moved and I have been doing nothing but moving my ass in a heated yoga room while being yelled at to kick higher, squat lower, or dig deeper. I've done all those things.

I feel great, I feel stronger, I accomplished my goal of ending the year the way I wanted to. I feel much more comfortable in my skin. So what the fuck? I know its not about the number on the scale, but when some fuckwit nurse practitioner looks at that number then judges you as some fucking couch potato burger slamming fat girl then it quickly becomes about the number on the scale. Yes that recently happened to me. So not only am I changing doctors, but shits getting stepped up.

Anyway, the food was delicious (and low carb!) the party was fabulous and full of beautiful gay men and almost naked male go-go dancers. Gotta love gay clubs, even if it is just for hot eye candy. I got New Years cheek kisses at midnight by random men, and about 15 minutes later I decided it was enough for me. I walked onto the patio and out of the club and headed home. 2011 was over, and I ended the last day in a fabulous way.

Sparkle

2011-12-29T12:05:00.000-08:00

I've had my New Years Eve fabulousness party outfit planned for awhile now. I don't make resolutions for New Years, but I do keep goals and themes to improve my life. Goals are more of a weekly/monthly/whenever thing though. I have an overall theme for 2012: Glamour. I'm starting it off exceedingly well with this dress.

A pewter colored strapless sequined tube dress with blush pink peek-a-boo slip. About knee length. I wish it was 2 inches longer, hell even an inch. I dislike anything above my knees. I want it to come right below my knees. It looks like the perfect length on the model, but she is probably 5'9, I am 6'1.

I found a black velvet single button blazer with slight ruffle trim to go with. I know, velvet, so 1992, but its not the crushed velvet, more just the soft velvet. It also has give so I can push back the sleeves if I am inside, which was what I wanted in a blazer/jacket.

Now I just have to decide on the shoes, black booties or black patent leather pumps. As it looks now I'm going with the pumps, I love booties, but it looks like it cuts off my feet. I'll have to model them again. Such hard decisions.

JS and I got tickets for a fancy 4 course dinner and party at a very fashionable gay club in Hillcrest. I think it will be fun, but I do wish there were some straight men around. Oh well. This is really the first thing I have done for NYE in a long time. The last real NYE party I had was when I was in Munich and partied in the streets. Everything else has been fancy dinners at home with a couple friends or just sleeping.

It should be a good way to start the year, now I just have to figure out my transport to and from.

Prince(ss) of Theives

2011-12-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

I had my archery lesson today. It was so awesome! I wrote about it with my zombie end of the world post, I love Groupon. 50% off for 2 hours, pretty good deal.

I would like to say I was glamourous like Artemis, flinging arrows into the target center, one after another, but a few flew right past the giant 3x3 target straw sign.

The Groupon was for 2 people, so JS went with me. As we picked our bows and clipped on our arm band things he mentioned that he felt like Legolas, I looked at him quizzically, then he told me he was Orlando Bloom's character from Lord of the Rings. Nerd. We played a game towards the end, where we went from the outer target rings to the middle, I made it almost to the inner center ring. There was a single arrow shoot off between JS and 2 others. JS won. Show off.

I feel like I have a good shot in hell of taking out a zombie now. Although Daryl (from The Walking Dead) uses a crossbow, they didn't have crossbows, just the plain old bow and arrow, but I figure I should master that before I move on to other things. It was super fun, I would recommend it. Hey, that would be a fun date idea. Good thinkin me.

I want to learn how to wield a sword next.

A Kiss on My List?

2011-12-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

No.

Not on my Christmas list.

I'm not getting any Christmas gifts this year, my mother hasn't asked me if I wanted something particular, and she is not one to randomly send presents. I bought some gifts for my immediate family members, but have failed to send them. I hate going to the post office, so oh well. I'll do it next week.

Occasionally I will buy myself something, but I'm really not into the "Christmas spirit" this year. It seems too consumerist this time around. Maybe its the pressure of the Mayan prophecy and we won't have Christmas next year, so this year is on steroids...? Whichever.

If someone was shopping for me, this would be my Christmas list:

1) Moshi Moshi POP phone in Gold
2) Granite Mortar and Pestle, 1.5c capacity
3) The Vegan Slow Cooker by Kathy Hester
4) Coco by Chanel Eau de Parfum or Eau de Toilette
5) Yogitoes Skidless Yoga Towel in Springburst
6) Boscia Restorative Night Cream

I don't really have anything I want per say, those are all just things that I like and would eventually buy for myself, but I'm not in a hurry to purchase them anytime soon. I like making lists. Next time I'm in a shoppy mood I'll turn to this list to kick that craving, I seem to always forget the things I would like to buy.

Fitness and Judgement

2011-12-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report that I am keeping up with my yoga, mostly classes with Boo-boo. I don't really care for anyone else, besides his classes are so hard that you are sore for days after. I've only missed 1 of his classes and that is because I went to study group the night before my final. In this instance it was more important to study, so one class missed in almost a months time is okay.

This week he has been kicking shit into gear because he is off all next week. Boo-boo is calling it damage control. Its fucking awful... and awesome, but man he is on a rampage. I got yelled at a whole bunch last night. It did not feel good. I generally use 8's & 5's on the free weights. Sounds weak, but when you are squatting with shoulder presses in a 100F room, 8's pretty much get the job done. He caught me switching to 5's because it was hurting and he yelled at me to switch back to the heavier set.

I like having someone that will push me. Yeah it sucks, yeah I want to quit, but I need to be pushed. I know my limits, and I will stop when I absolutely need to.

Later in class we were doing some forward kicks and I was so tired and wishing class would end. My kicking was sub par, so he screamed my name in class while clapping loudly at me to get my attention. His face read: NO FUCKING AROUND. I posted something about that as my FB status last night when I got home from class.

A couple people commented, then one of my friends, whom I haven't seen in years, CA, says "Your actual mistake was doing something called yoga sculpt", I called him a hater, he later elaborated that he "wasn't hating, just that the idea of yoga combined with some sort of strength work is counterintuitive, people are not content with doing 1 thing poorly, they like to combine 2 things that don't go together and do them both even worse".

I didn't ask for your fucking opinion on my workouts. CA studying Kinesiology in University, does physical therapy and personal training. So I know he thinks he is the all knowing when it comes to working out, but he is talking out of school. I have never seen him at my sculpt class.

The yoga aspect is for a full body warm up. After that the class consists of plyometrics, kickboxing, basic cardio, squats, push ups, and other moves that I have done in a gym class, or in P90X. I guess the difference is that I am on my yoga mat and barefoot, which I prefer barefoot workouts anyway. The sculpt program was developed from someone that went to the same University he went to, and also studying Kinesiology. Boo-boo is also a personal trainer. I think I'm in good hands.

I guess someone always has something to say about the things others do. Whether for fitness or not. We are not a judgement free society. I'm guilty of it, some things are just dumb, I have to give that, and I know I am a nutritional know it all sometimes. I don't ever offer information though. Never. Someone would have to ask for my opinion, this is where its different.

I am happy with what I am doing. The best fitness advice I got was "Find something you enjoy doing, then its not like working out" I enjoy it. I am more mindful of what I eat when I know I have sculpt that evening, I am mindful of drinking enough water during the day so I won't die during class. If its something that gets me off the couch, isn't that a good thing?

I know I shouldn't care about what anyone has to say, it just bugs me.

Currently in love with...

2011-12-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

Shit girls say.

Fuck its hilarious. I've watched the videos too many times. Its sad and true, and very similar to how I speak. My friend told me about "Shit black girls say" which should be called "Shit hood girls say" because I say a whole lotta those things as well and I am white, but I live borderline hood. I'm just gangsta.

I really love on the last video when she starts singing Drake "Do you love me... Do you love this shit... Are you high right now?" So good.

We were playing this at work and all the guys were like "Oh god, this is my girlfriend/wife", while I cracked up in the corner. I love the internet.

Over My Shoulder

2011-12-18T17:35:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to write new posts, so my last one isn't the first thing on my page. I was hesitant to publish it, sometimes the real hurtful truth isn't something you want to share. At least the 'make yourself vulnerable' truth.

I finished my final last week. So nice now that I have a break, about a month and a half. My next semester schedule is quite busy, but almost all are online classes and I am trying to have 3 of said classes with Flex. Its weird not having a looming deadline or upcoming test.

I'm heavy into a Buffy marathon as I unpack my kitchen and organize a whole bunch of stuff. Which includes labeling new spice jars and multiple salt shakers. Sorting all my kitchen things for what will go back in, and what needs to go to Goodwill.

Last Friday I had off, and as I would be affixing labels to lids, and changing DVDs, I would think "What am I missing... There must be something.. ?" After a moment of scanning my thoughts, there was nothing. Nothing missing, as far as I am aware. I have a short list of big things to do for winter break, but they are not of the looming variety.

I will need to create a structured schedule for myself during winter break, having free time is great, but next thing you know school will creep back into the picture and I'll not be used to being so busy. The YMCA had a no joiners fee couple of days so I signed up, I will be getting my mermaid on in the pool soon. Pretty stoked about that.

Gonna get busy re-watching some Walking Dead.

03:59:34

2011-12-13T16:36:00.000-08:00

As I first started to wake in the middle of the night, everything was normal. The streets were quiet, my apartment was dead silent, even the traffic was nil. Once my brain whirled to life I remembered what happened the night before and tears came to my eyes. What I was dumbfounded by was why I was even awake at this time. It was almost 4AM. I've had about 3.5 hours of sleep at this point.

The Firefighter and I always have long conversations. We feed off each other in that regard, we are both great communicators. There has been very weird contact between us this week, mostly weird text messages from him, that were inappropriate. I felt they were not fair. Mixed messages, in which he claims to not send. Saturday night we had it out.

Occasionally our conversations are about what's going on now, how we are perceiving certain truths or what activities we are up to. Last night he started the conversation telling me about a girl from 12 years ago that he had a major crush on and they recently reconnected on FB... Fucking Facebook. The way he talked about her, I could tell he was smitten. I was jealous. He thought it unnatural to have this crush reaction, to want to reconnect with her so strongly. Silent tears pricked my eyes as I listened.

I don't want to hear this shit. The girl is making plans to visit on her spring break, to stay with him. He was worried he was putting too much thought into it, that this is all in his head. I got angry and said "Don't be fucking stupid. She is coming to stay with you for a reason, how long do you talk on the phone?" he said about 3 hours at a time, (guess I'm not so special) but they text all day for the last few weeks. I told him no girl is going to invest that amount of time in someone they wanted to just come down and hang out with.

"Your an adult, your crush is natural, you need to stop pretending that how you start to feel about someone is abnormal. Crushes happen to everyone. Don't be naive about this, she is going to come down and you guys are going to fuck. Honestly, this isn't my favorite subject, lets talk about something else"

We moved on to chemical attraction and slow cookers, as I call them. Or in psychology, Passionate Love and Companionship Love. I mentioned that for him and I, it was a slow cooker thing, and thats why I was so confused at first. That in my experience the strong chemical attraction people never last, so I try to avoid them. This girl is apparently a strong chemical attraction for him.

We talked about family and the upcoming holidays. Then about first date #29 I had that night. Why I didn't like him and whatever. The FF mentioned that maybe I should have "Thrown the guy a bone", I thought that was fucking stupid. We ended up talking about sex and dating and then the conversation swayed into what the fuck happened the last time he was here.

I won't go into the he said/she said of it, but the major points are that he gave me "pity action" as I thought. He told me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he cuddled, touched, and kissed. I was 150% offended. I don't need your pity action. I confessed that I felt he was obliging me and I shouldn't have gone past cuddling. He said it wasn't done "obligingly" but done as to not hurt my feelings.

Then I asked about the not being open with me thing when we started dating again. I was right on the money when I wrote about it. Although he said it wasn't a lie, he was suspicious of my actions because he knew that it wasn't my "nature" to want to see him again. Everyone makes mistakes, and I admitted that I did, I admitted that to him.

Moi: "I was quick to judge, and I was sorry. So sorry. Those 2 weeks I felt so awful, and I took a real look at what I wanted in someone else and you were offering that to me. Did you not think my apology was sincere because I did mean it"

The FF: "I wasn't sure, you seemed sincere, its just that I was suspicious of it"

Moi: "So, you didn't really trust my apology, and now from what your saying and what you said the last time you were here, it was all just a lie. That's what I am understanding right now. JESUS! Did you ever even LIKE ME?"

The FF: "I did like you."

Moi: "Yeah, I guess before I made that mistake. Then I hurt you, and I asked you to forgive me then you thought, what, that this is your perfect opportunity to get me back? You hurt me, I hurt you"

The FF: "That's not what I mean.."

Moi: "NO, thats what YOU DID."

The FF: "I just didn't know what was real, you said one thing when we first started dating, then you wanted me back, I was dumbfounded. I know your really angry at me right now, and if you don't want to be friends I completely understand"

Moi: "I have honestly seen us settling into a friend pattern, and I have tried. Your not making this easy either with your little mind fuck comments, "I do think about you, I care about you, you can stay with me, I want you to be happy whether its with me or someone else." You can't say that shit to someone you just want to be friends with."

The FF: "I do feel that way about you, as a friend. I do care about you, and I don't want you to hate me. I can understand how those things may have upset you, but I didn't mean for them too."

Moi: "Look, I really don't know how true that is. This whole thing was just a lie for you I guess. I liked you, and I was honest about it. I had nothing up my sleeves, no tricks, no plan of destruction, or whatever you might think, but you never gave me a real chance."

If he was so suspicious about my truth in the apology, why wouldn't he just ask me about it? I did explain it as much as I could, when I actually apologized to him last year, and last night. I guess he was just full of doubt to begin with.

We touched on some other things, he told me that I shouldn't give up on dating, I wanted to reach through the phone to choke him. I don't need advice from someone who lies and keeps themselves from feeling anything for another person. Who see's growing attachment to other people as a supreme weakness to be rid of. People attach to other people, its a human thing, not a Danielle thing, not a FF thing, not a thing of only 1 particular person. We are social creatures.

He claimed he liked me, but had "turned the corner" on it already. His words, not mine. There was a point that I was over him as well, it seemed like he knew when my life was somewhat back in order and that he should intrude upon me then. All the while making weird mind fuck statements that had me believe that he wasn't done, that there could still be something. It wasn't just me that believed this.

I think thats what some people do, I like to call them emotional vampires. Feeding off the feelings other people have for them, then flying away until they are hungry for another ego boost.

This is the last time I will write about the Firefighter. I've had a life full of lies, mistrust, and suspicion from my family, which is why I rarely talk about them, to them, or see them. I don't need to choose to have a person like that in my life.

First Date #29

2011-12-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

I got home from work later than expected. I had extra work to do today which put me in a funk of a mood. Once I was home I prepped for the date. I still had enough time, but I hate being late.

I showed up at the sushi place early by about 10 minutes. He got lost, but still ended up on time and met me at the front doors.

I was immediately irritated that he was wearing a t-shirt, old hoodie and whatever jeans. I am sure this is what he was wearing to run errands all day. Thanks for taking the time to look nice. I shouldn't have bothered to do my hair or makeup. Maybe I should have worn my work hoodie to the date too. Then we could have matched.

There is something to be said for dressing up for your sig other, or a date in general, but a first date, come on. You don't need the ultra fancy dress or whatever, but look nice. What kind of message are you trying to send? "Hey, I'm a slob, take me as I am"? If guys are not into fashion, that is fine, but would a plain white button up really kill you? No.

Conversation was tense. I got passed the lack of dress attire and we talked sushi. He asked how I knew Penguin, I skirted the issue, saying I've known him for about 4 years and we would go to shows together. I'm not sure if he knows, and I really don't care. I thought it would be weird to say I dated him, so I kept my mouth shut. 4 years ago or not.

Our personalities did not flow. I was not interested in this guy. Part of me argued that he seemed nice, but that can't be all your offering. That your "nice". He talked a lot about where he was from (Phoenix) and how certain things were better there than in San Diego. I thought to myself "Why did you move here, and why don't you move back if your so down on San Diego?"

San Diego has its faults, like every city. However, its a really nice place to live. I really hate when people do that, 'back in blah blah blah our radio stations were so much better' oh your such the elitist, get over yourself. I don't care.

He didn't ask much about me and I didn't offer. I finished first, and patiently waited. I almost was tempted to 'go to the bathroom' and never come back. He paid, but he also said he would since I was coming to his neighborhood. We walked to my car, said he had a nice time and it was nice to finally meet me. We have only been talking for a week, whatever.

I thanked him for dinner, we hugged briefly and I got in my car, drove straight to Whole Foods to buy some So-delicious Peanut Butter Zig Zag soy ice cream, then went home and promptly put in some Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

To be completely honest, before even going into meeting this guy I knew it wasn't going to work. It sounds so pessimistic, but between our texts and Facebook messaging, I knew. Sometimes you just know. I still went into the date with an open mind, there is nothing I like more than being proven wrong. Unfortunately I would be right on this occasion.

I can't stand these kind of dates. I think I would rather have great first dates that you never hear from again rather than the guy who makes me wish I was being tortured rather than sitting across from him in a restaurant. There was no interest, not even a slight attraction to him.

My friend said "At least you got free sushi" Shrug.

Not Looking

2011-12-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

I've been in a major dating hiatus, not really forced, mostly by choice. While encounters with The FF have played a mix in this choice hiatus, its simply from a lack of prospects. I put some time into Match.com, went out here and there more than usual, at the end decided to get myself back. And focus on school, I have a really hard class this semester. School comes first.

On Monday I gave JS a ride home from work, he usually rides his bicycle and its been too cold to bike, and we happened to be leaving at the same time. As we got to my house he came in to visit with Penelope and asked me about Plenty of Fish. JS has been on the market for about 3 months.

I showed him my profile and how the site works. I forget that I have the account since I never use it. I disabled my other accounts, but not this one. Don't know why. As I clicked on "My matches" I said "Look at all these douchebags, I mean you can tell by the photos, shirtless, shirtless, bathroom self pic shirtless, smirk face club photo, oh look at this guy flashing gang signs, ughhhhh" he saw what I was talking about and completely agreed.

One photo finally got my attention. A self pic bathroom photo with a guy lifting up his shirt to show off his abs, but had a Hulk faux ab shield underneath. With something like "Abs like these deserved to be photographed". It made me LOL immediately. So I sent him a message.

I took off to yoga, another crazy workout, when I returned I had a reply. It doesn't populate the message in Gmail, you have to login to read it. Before I did that I checked FB and saw that my friend Penguin had posted something about Breaking Bad and who had the hook up, I decided to write "Well, I take a lot of chem classes if that's what you mean". I don't think thats what he meant. Who cares, it was funny.

So then I read my message from the Hulk and its clever, using correct spelling and grammar, amazing! And he asked about me! God I have low standards. I click back to my inbox and he had messaged me again, this time the subject line was "So Danielle". My name is not on my profile. Who the fuck was this guy?

"So I see that we have a mutual friend, how do you know Penguin?"

WTF, what? So now I'm dating friends of guys I've already dated? Awesome I guess. So we started talking about that. Some nice common ground. Later that night Penguin called me and we chatted about him getting a cat, getting a girlfriend, Breaking Bad, some other life shit, then I brought it up. I don't know if he called me that night because of his friend or like he claimed: that I wrote on his status about Breaking Bad.

I told the Hulk he could ask Penguin about me if he wanted. Penguin shouldn't have anything bad to say about me, we never did anything physical, we still talk, we are actual friends. The Hulk told me that he would rather get to know me by talking to me, not from what Penguin has to say. I thought that was nice, but also a white lie. Guys talk too. I'm sure he has already gotten the low down, and since we are still talking, I'm guessing nice things have been said.

Its too soon to tell if the adage is true, when your not looking, you find someone, or someone finds you. The Hulk is seeming like a nice guy, and if he is friends with Penguin then he is probably good people. Time will tell.

I've Got The Love

2011-12-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

Today's yoga sculpt was the third class this week with my favorite instructor, nickname Boo-boo. In an effort not to be fat, and utilize my expensive yoga membership, I have been kicking my yoga attendance into gear. Also because its something I loved, and love was lost after my car accident.

Trying to feel the love. Its there. I found out tonight that its there with open arms. Boo-boo knows my name now, and gave me crap on Monday cause I pulled a disappearing act when my back was in spasm mode.

"GIRL!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???"

I love it.

On Wednesday while towards the end of our last cardio set, switching between heel taps, football runs, high knees, and running in place, he stepped behind my mat and ran with me, yelling to dig deep. I also started talking to a girl who was set up next to me.

Tonight it was so fucking hot in class I could feel my skin cells commit suicide, I swear that must have been what was happening. Getting into a horse (sumo) squat I wanted to cry from heat exhaustion. These classes are usually set at start temp of 90-95F, with a jam packed class, full of bodies giving off heat, it can easily get to 110F. Humidity, forget about it. Completely ridiculous.

However, I chatted with a girl new to the class, and the girl from Wednesday came and set up next to the new girl I was talking with. I had to leave during class as not to cry in front of people and started chatting with a yoga newbie. He was flaming gay, and introduced himself to me. We then gave each other sweaty high fives as we went back into class. I'm hoping I see him again because I have been looking for a gay boyfriend. You would think with me living so close to San Diego's gay neighborhood, Hillcrest, that I would have several by now.

After class, the new girl, the wednesday girl, and I stuck around and chatted about instructors we like and how to survive the class without throwing up. I think I will be seeing them around and I am happy about making some new yoga friends. Its what I need.

Besides kicking up my yoga, I have been getting back into my healthy eating ways. I don't eat bad on a given day, but I will say I did slide into comfort foods more times than I am comfortable with this last year.

I want to be strong. I've been acting like a sissy bitch since the car accident. The injury is there, pain from it is real, but it shouldn't hinder me from being my best me. That's an excuse. I'm uncomfortable in my skin now, that needs to change.

I don't want to look back on this year and see it as a complete waste of time. I don't want to go "quietly in the night" sulking from a year full of depression, physical therapy and recovery; fuck that noise. I want to find who I was before I was hit, physically from that vehicle, and emotionally from that man... She was something.

The End of the World

2011-11-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I started watching "The Walking Dead". Started, then marathon watched the first season, which is only 6 episodes. That show is fucking great! I've been really irritated with TV in general lately, but this show is something else. It makes me think of the end of the world. And how I would loot everything, which kind of makes me happy.

I mean, look the whole Mayan thing, who knows. However, with viruses and bacteria mutating to be resistant to high dose antibiotics, I mean its interesting. Will it produce flesh eating zombies? You got me. What I do know is that I will be prepared. I already wrote about the emergency kit, this is more than that. This is a plan.

Right now the plan consists of finding sharp objects to add to my emergency kit, and thinking I should learn how to convert my Prius to be fully electric if need be.

While watching the first episode, I wanted to text the Firefighter. I had a feeling he must have seen this show, and if not then he needs to watch it because its right up his alley.

However, I also wanted to text him because my coworker, Sean, gave me some advice after I saw him. After telling him the whole she-bang of what went down, he told me that he thinks I still "have him". Sean advised to keep myself in his space. Text him, call him, whatever. Keep him thinking about me. After a couple of days obsessing about it, I decided to shrug it off.

The words ended up worming around in my head. Last Monday I asked about his Thanksgiving plans. He replied, like he always does. It was a short text conversation. Then and there I decided to not do that again.

On Saturday he texted me, asking how my Thanksgiving was, if I did any shopping, yadda yadda. Hmm.

On Sunday I caved and texted him about The Walking Dead. He watches the show, loves the show. Even more adding that I look like the character Amy, and seeing her reminds him of me.

Our text conversation went into planning for a zombie apocalypse. Me talking about getting more things for my kit, him saying that he has been telling people for years that something like this will happen, me talking all sciencey, him talking all military-y, me saying that he has all that camping gear too and that he is so prepared, him giving me the invitation: "You can stay at my house during the zombie apocalypse".

So invitation to barricade as his place during the apocalypse and the invite to "crash" at his place if I move to LB for any indefinite period of time?? My mind has been turning about this for the last 24 hours. Maybe Sean was right, but like our planning of a zombie apocalypse, the thought of an "us" is pretend.

Last night as my mind reeled from watching an intense show before bed, which is generally a strict no-no, I thought I should take Archery lessons. I'd be like Buffy, but fighting zombies or people with some kind of plague, instead of vampires. Or I would just be able to shoot a bow and arrow, which is cool in its own right. This morning I got my daily Groupon email... 50% off archery lessons.

If that is not a message from the universe hinting to me that shit is going down soon and I need to be prepared, and get prepared affordably, then I don't know what is. I texted the same thing to the firefighter, he completely agreed then told me to let him know how it goes because he wants to take lessons too.

This morning I told Sean about the zombie housing offer, he said

"So all you need is the end of the world and you two can be together?"
Moi: "When you say it that way, it sounds a tad dramatic... but yes, work on that. I'm so over being single"

Not My First Ball Game

2011-11-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

Some men think they are so smart. This passive aggressive game they play to make you feel bad enough that you want to make it up to them, by giving in to what they wanted ALL ALONG. Good cop, bad cop. Whatever it is. All they want is sex.

I've already been played like that before, and I'm not looking for a rerun. I knew what the first guy was doing, but I gave in anyway. This time, I don't fucking think so.

I've had my suspicions with this last guy (First Date #28) I even mentioned it in my post that the reason I stopped talking to him last time, was because we wanted different things. He seemed somewhat different this time, but would drop lines here and there that I wasn't into at all. The red flags. Since he didn't pressure me, I let it go.

This morning he sent me a 'good morning' email quite early. I gave him my number days ago, he still just emails me. On a side note: Why wouldn't he text me? Hiding something? Anyway... so we were exchanging a couple emails, then I went to yoga. While getting into Eagle Pose I managed to irritate my back spasm, and almost yelled "FUCK" in the quiet studio because of the pain and inability to move. I ended up leaving class early, embarrassing.

Anyway, he had asked how I was doing and I told him that I injured myself in yoga, he offered to come over and act as my personal massage therapist (he's licensed, score). I played it off, saying "Don't tempt me"

"We are both adults, just say the word and I will be there with a bottle of wine and my massage table as your personal, professional massage therapist"
Moi: "Wine and muscle relaxers are a no-no. Its tempting. I just wouldn't want you coming over to my house for the first time because of something bad I did to myself. Although it would be awesome to to have some personal massage therapy, I don't think you would be able to touch me without it hurting. Thanks for the offer though, its very kind of you sir."

I figure, keeping it light and giving him a real reason why I don't want him to come over, besides it being too soon. I know what would happen if he came over. I thought it was a good message.

"Wow ok. By the way, I'm aware wine and muscle relaxers don't go together, I did go to school and graduated 3x deans lister, lol. I was just trying to set up a mood but I totally get it, u don't have to tell me twice. I hope you feel better enjoy your day ok"

Seriously bro? I'm sorry, but it was so passive aggressive.

Moi: "I didn't say that to be snide at all. I also wasn't trying to insult your intelligence, by any means. I apologize if thats what came across, it wasn't my intention at all, in any way."

He wrote me again saying that he didn't mean to come across as angry. No, you were just being a brat because I wasn't giving you what you wanted. Further more, I don't need to date a guy that acts like that, especially since we have only gone on one fucking date dude. Sure, we have been talking for a couple weeks, but now it just seems like a waste of time.

Some people never change, my gut instinct was right about him. That's why I didn't email him back initially. It took a push of me being in an angry state to reply to him. Now I just really miss the FF. Dammit.

First Date #28

2011-11-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

I make rash decisions when my emotions run high, be it sad, mad, happy, whatever. Not level headed me likes to do things out of spite, A LOT. After the fiasco when the Firefighter I was in quite a depression, well for that weekend anyway. The morning he left my apartment, I decided to email the blast from the past guy back.

I remembered who he was slightly, it had been a while since we talked, I just remember that he is into Jiu Jitsu, well, he competes sometimes, I don't know much about that stuff. However, I do remember why we stopped talking, he wasn't looking for a relationship, he was looking for something casual and that wasn't my cup of tea at all.

Not sure if almost 2 years has changed anything, but I'll take a shot at it.

We met for brunch. He works in the evening. We went to a popular breakfast place, The Mission. Not really impressed with the place, but thats besides the point. He was late. I dislike tardiness, but there was a cute dog I was hanging with before he got there.

No hug, no opening the door, but good conversation. We got seated quickly and awkwardly looked over the menu as we spyed on each other. Isn't that what most people do on first dates? YES.

While waiting for our food, we had good flowing conversation. Talking about yoga, Jiu Jitsu, work, TV shows, and random life stuff. He was funny, I am funny, we were a table of quick wits and it was awesome. I had been dreading going on this date because my mind is consumed with someone else, and I'm just down on dating in general, but this was what I needed.

The check came, he grabbed the bill, and I grabbed my wallet. You know, the wallet grab, I wasn't sure if he noticed, so I asked how much it came to, $26, and I said I only had a $20. So did he. He said he would put down his and then I take care of the rest and the tip and it would be all good. Hmm..

On the way out we were about 5 steps out of the restaurant when he asked

"So did you like it?"
Moi: "Um, breakfast? Yes"
"No, I mean this"
Moi: "Oh, you mean did I like the date?, Or all this" and I motion down my body like a creepy creep.
"Yes"
Moi: "Haha, yeah, I had a good time, check this box for yes"
"Yeah, I actually have a survey card in my car"
Moi: "Oh, like a comment card? PERFECT!"
"Yes, just like that"
Moi: "Is it a bubble sheet? I hate having to write out sentences"
"It is, so you'll need a number 2 pencil"
Moi: "Just scantron grade it through the machine"
"Exactly, I don't want to grade it myself, I'll let the machine do the calculations for me."

We both laugh for a bit, then silence.

Moi: "So.. Yeah"
"What, are you trying to break the silence?"
Moi: "Yes, we just joked around for a block, then it was like crickets"

Then we were at the crossroads, I was parked here, he was parked there. I wasn't at my car, but at the corner block. I told him I had a good time and we should talk later. He agreed. We hugged. That was it.

It was a good date, all in all. But, I got the vibe that he wasn't too into it. I figure I wouldn't hear from him again and just brushed it off.

I emailed him an hour or so later and told him thanks for breakfast and we should do it again sometime and I gave him my number. Just to see. After an hour and a half he emailed me back that he had a good time and that he was down for round 2. We have been exchanging messages since.

So who knows. My mind still wanders, but that happens.

Je Bebe

2011-11-17T21:12:00.001-08:00

My cousin had her 3rd baby today. So cute and teeny. I just got back from seeing her. I love babies, mostly just the baby stage though, infancy to 1 or 2 years old. After that, meh. Its called terrible twos for a reason.

Anyway, I feel kind of bad for my cousin. About a year ago she filed for divorce but never went through with it. Just last week she posted on FB "I don't know why I didn't finish what I started a year ago, I should have gone through with it" I knew what she was talking about but didn't write anything. I didn't say anything about it today when I saw her. That would be inappropriate.

Its been a rough couple of weeks. Working late almost every day, 2 exams and a quiz, with a little ex mix in the middle. Bleh. I am off work and school all next week and I'm stoked about it. I have to find a new bed, I ordered a couple books that I want to read, but I really just want to veg out and enjoy my free time.. Just an overall relaxing week.

So that blast from the past guy that emailed me recently? After The FF fiasco, I emailed him back. Why the hell not? Sure, he was testing the waters, but might as well see what's going on. Maybe get a date story out of it. Who knows.

One Year Later pt 2

2011-11-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

Since the statement didn't sit in my mind at the time I just breezed by it in our conversation. I settled in the crook of his arm, both of us half naked, skin to skin and we talked, some more, bleh.

The FF: "I really just want you to be happy"
Moi: "I know"
The FF: "Are you?"
Moi: "I don't know"
The FF: "What can I do?"
Moi: "Get me into University"

I went on to explain the CSU Long Beach and SDSU fiasco. How I can't get into classes I need, and how my future is unclear and uncontrollable. He said since I can't do much about it to stop worrying about it. Its not that easy. I've worked really hard to get where I am. I've given up a lot to get here too.

The FF: "You know that you can stay with me right?"
Moi: "What do you mean?"
The FF: "If you go to LB, and need a place to stay, you can stay with me, if its just a week or two to find an apartment, or a few months. I care about you, and I'm not just saying that. You can stay with me if you need to, for however long. I probably couldn't fit all your stuff in my apartment, so you would have to get a storage unit, but I'm here for you."

Who wants a house guest for months? And on top of just a house guest, a female house guest, who you used to do naughty things with! So weird.

Moi: "Thanks, thats very nice of you to say"
The FF: "I'm not just saying it, I mean it. I care about you. I enjoy having conversations with you, your intelligent, your funny and quick witted, you always have an interesting perspective on things, its surprising and refreshing."
Moi: "Well, I am pretty awesome... and I have great tits"
The FF: "They are pretty awesome"

The conversation was a little heavy, and I was practically naked, what was I supposed to say? It would have been nice to get back to what I wanted, but it wasn't going to happen. I was irritated and frustrated.

I rolled away from his arms, getting comfortable on my side, not facing him. He spooned me, found my arm and grabbed my hand, settling his fingers between mine as I got comfortable. The frustration inside me was growing, I flipped back the covers and went into the bathroom.

When I came back he was waiting, I settled back into my spot, pulling a separate blanket over me. He looked for my arm, but I had tucked it close to my chest, unknown where to touch me, I placed his hand on my exposed hip. His palm gripped my skin and it burned. I was warm, his hand was warm. I could feel moisture collect where our contact was. It was the last thing I remembered as I fell asleep.

I woke up a couple times in the night to him cuddling close to me. Maybe he missed someone to sleep next to. In the morning he was so close to me that I had just a little space for myself. I am very warm when sleeping and he gets very cold, so my natural body warmth may have attracted him. I figured that must be it because I didn't feel like I attracted him at all... In any way.

I barely glanced in his direction in the morning. Its not that I was embarrassed, or ashamed. I was only honest and I don't feel that I should be ashamed of that. I can see his point of view, but I don't understand "caring" about someone so much that you wouldn't want to be with them, but its not something I need to understand, I wouldn't do that to anyone.

There wasn't a big tell off, besides my lines in bed telling him we are not friends. Which is what I wanted to say all along. I woke up today, with him next to me in bed, with a desire to find another man.

As if his lifeless kiss woke my slutty Snow White. I wondered if I had been dead all year. Its likely.

One Year Later pt 1

2011-11-12T11:22:00.000-08:00

I was not lost on the date. I am not one of those girls that would track anniversaries, but it was easy to remember the day of our first date. We both work for the Feds and had Veteran's day off, so we went on a day date. One year later we were hanging out together in my apartment, watching movies and talking. Plenty of space between us.

We watched a couple movies, Bridesmaids, Our Idiot Brother, and an episode of Eastbound and Down. Odd that he hadn't seen that show. I love Kenny Powers. After that I was tired, and simply said "Do you want to go to bed?" I didn't know if he was planning on staying somewhere else that night, he never mentioned it, I never asked.

I decided to go for something a little more revealing for bed this time. A super low V cut light tunic sweater and small pink shorts. I knew what I had planned in my mind, I didn't know how to execute it so much. We settled into bed, our backs facing each other, talking softly about bullshit. Stupid bullshit. Once it was quiet, I tried to amp myself up. Thinking of what the negative feedback might be.

"HEY, do you want to cuddle or something?"

Yes, I'm one smooth motherfuckah. They 'hey' was a little loud. He laughed; he laughed and said that was so honest to my nature that it was hilarious. I knew he wouldn't make a move, and I am horrible at making the first move. So I figured I'd just be my spazzy honest self and just ask.

The Firefighter turned over and slid up behind me, draping his arm over my midsection. Almost obliging. Thats how it felt. Like maybe it wasn't something he wanted to do and just obliged me because he was staying at my house. Don't worry, I know what's going to be said "Now your irritated about how he cuddled you? He cuddled you, why do you have to nitpick if he was enthusiastic about it?" I know how it sounds.

We stayed in contact through the various moving and adjusting that bedtime brings. I was bored with just talking, and I was getting tired, I still had more of my plan to execute. I thought of another smooth line...

"Just so you know, I'm not opposed to fooling around... Just sayin... Just putting that option out there"

He laughed again.

The FF: "Can you imagine if I would have said that?, you probably would have kicked me out to the couch"
Moi: "I don't know about that, however, when are men not open to fooling around?"
The FF: "Point taken"

After a few minutes he rubbed his hand up and down my back. Then transitioning to kissing the back of my neck and pulling me closer to him. Once I turned around he traced my exposed skin from neck to chest, slowly, as we finally kissed. The last guy I kissed last year, was the first guy I kissed this year.

I needed more. I needed more passion in his kiss, he wasn't giving it to me. Passion could be the wrong word, enthusiasm. I could smell his hormones kick into gear, he never presented a smell before, but I could smell the arousal and his smell. So, why aren't you giving it to me?

I took my top off. I wanted more contact, more touching. I was the initiator, whether I wanted to be or not. I don't think he would continue anything without me provoking him. The whole thing was so half ass.

In a low husky voice the Firefighter asked "What do you want to do?"
Moi: "Everything"
The FF: "Everything?"
Moi: "Yes, everything. Are you saying you've never thought about it?"
The FF: "I have"
Moi: "Are you uncomfortable?"
The FF: "Its not that I'm uncomfortable, its that I attach easily, and I just don't want us to get attached to each other"
Moi: "Look, we are not dating, we are not in a relationship, we are not going to be in a relationship. We know each other, we trust and respect each other. To be honest, we are not friends. We crossed the friendship line a long time ago. You can't back step to just be friends, it does not work. We are far enough away to keep this from being anything more. I don't mean because I'm here and your there, its because we're emotionally far away from each other."
The FF: "I get what your saying, and I know there is a tension when we just hang out and talk, its there, its just that I used to open myself up quickly and get attached easily, and then we weren't dating, and then you called me out of the blue to have dinner, then we are together again and it was hard for me to be that open like I was. It was just confusing. Once I moved I changed a lot and started to work on myself, I'm really happy now, and it makes me feel like shit to say that to you."

Now, I didn't ponder the first part of his statement last night. As I was recounting the story on the phone with A I realized what he had said. What I am gathering from that statement is that I did this to myself. This is my fault. That maybe if I would have realized what I realized after I told him I didn't want to date anymore, that this wouldn't be happening.

So now I am starting to believe that everything after we started dating again to the day he dumped me on Christmas was all a fucking lie. Thats what hurting me now. Was it all a lie? Was it all to get back at me for ending things before? Was this his game to hurt me like I apparently hurt him?

That hurts so much more than anything anyone else has ever done to me.

Under Your Spell

2011-11-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am not the only one of us that seems to be under each others skin... ?

A blast from my recent past, The Firefighter has come to the surface again. Not initiated by me, of course. Like I've said "Once I'm done, I'm done". I figured deleting him from my Facebook would be obvious enough to say that I didn't want to be 'friends' with him. Isn't the Facebook delete the new way of ostracizing someone?

Actually, saying I'm done with him is not entirely true, its that I expected another 8 months to go by with no word from him at all. Not now, when I'm freshly defeated over so many things. I can say that its a self esteem booster, that he still thinks enough of me to want to see me when he visits.

He called me last weekend because he is coming down this upcoming Veteran's day weekend and wants to "hang out". Go out Friday night, and maybe bring a late breakfast to my office on Saturday. I told him that was nice of him.

Beyond the self esteem booster, I find it somewhat irritating. He gave me the out "...if your not busy", and I didn't take it. That's my fault. At first my hormones were excited to see him, now I am just irritated. I'm so irritated that its interrupting my studying.

I feel like a broken record. Nice guys that just want to "be friends" are so much harder to cut out of your life than the assholes. Maybe they are just all assholes, some with the guise of sheep, the rest just outright wolves. With the exception that he hasn't tried to fuck me.

This isn't a real friendship. In a real friendship there is give and take, you actually feel something about that relationship you've made with someone, typically both parties would be benefitting from a friendship. I am not benefitting from this. It isn't stopping or hurting my dating life at all, but its hurting me.

So since the Facebook delete wasn't enough, I will be telling him this time that I don't want to be friends with him. I don't want to hear about how great his life is now that he moved away and 'started over'. I sense an unintentional (or maybe intentional) mind game play here. That's about to all end, then this broken record will be done with.

The Sky is Falling

2011-11-08T16:36:00.001-08:00

Its all crashing down.

My careful structures all seem to be failing. There are so many things to do, but I am only one person.

I took my Physiology exam on the Cardiovascular system today. Afterwards I just wanted to come home, turn in my applications for SDSU and CSU Long Beach, eat a sandwich and watch Dexter. After a quick call to my current school's transfer center I learned that I had to add up my GPA for every class I have credit for. Not just my core GE requirements and the classes applicable to my major.

Since that is what they told me I recalculated it and it lowered 0.28 I'm not happy about that, but its still above the minimum for impacted majors, so oh well. I finished the applications, submitted and paid the nonrefundable fees. I talked to Flex shortly after and he told me that I am not supposed to add all my classes then said:

"What if you took a bunch of gym classes and got A's then added that as your transfer GPA? That doesn't make any sense, and its trying to get around the system, the person who gave you that information is dumb"

Fuck. That is so right, and makes sense. I already submitted my apps, and I can't make changes, so my hands are tied, C'est la vie I guess.

The next semester schedule came out and I have planned to take some dumb computer class online, Human Anatomy, and Biostatistics course. I am taking anatomy for SDSU credit, Biostats works for both, but primarily CSU LB, computer class CSU LB. I then saw that CSU LB wouldn't accept the current chemistry class I have, so I have to retake a general chemistry course. In order to take the course I need, I need the intro to general chemistry course.

I took "Fundamentals of Chemistry". I think that taking the prerequisite "Intro to General Chemistry", when I have already taken Organic & Inorganic Chemistry and Biochemistry is just FUCKING RETARDED. I can take the equivalence exam, which is what I will do. I just hate having to hoop jump through straight bullshit.

So then I look into my Biostats class, which is only offered once this year, a big THANKS to California budget cuts! Your awesome! Then see I have to take college Algebra to get into it. The description is the same as the last math class I took, but didn't get credit for because the school wants to make money, that's my theory at least. Its the same theories and principles.

I am not going to take that class because I barely passed it last time, thanks to my highly tuned observational skills. Translate that as you wish... I hate math, I always have and I always will.

As I am scrolling through all the extra classes I have to take, I get an email from my professor that the tests are graded. I got a D. I am fuming. Mad cry, CHECK.

Today I also found out that I have "too many" credits and that means I get a late registration date so I now have last pick of the courses available. Or try to waitlist, or crashing the course, which is something I absolutely hate doing. I have "too many" credits because I have to prepare to go to various universities because the educational cuts in California are so shitty that my chance of getting in to a University that is 10 miles away and offers my major is slim to none.

The only other school in SD County that offers Nutrition is a religious university, I am not going to take god classes.

I called to see if there is a way around this, and there is. Learning disabilities, so I called there office, ADHD is counted as a learning disability, so all I need to do is track down my diagnosis from a doctor I had years ago. Not easy. So I figured I could just find a physiatrist to test me again, but my medical provider is closed, their online system sucks so I always call.

I figured I should also just find a physiatrist anyway. I think my insurance pays for it and I am all about taking advantage now.

My fuckhead boss also called me, I answered "Umm, yeah?" its my day off, so attitude is allowed. So he calls to tell me about some last minute work for tomorrow, I said

"I'm busy right now"
Boss: "Okay, can you call me back later"
"Umm no, its my day off"
Boss: "This is really important"
"I think you should just tell me about it tomorrow, I'm in the middle of something, this is "my Saturday", do you call the other employees on Saturday to talk about work?"
Boss: "Yes"
"No, you don't"

I'm never answering a phone call from him on my day off again. I want to quit my job so bad. The catch is that I can work a full 40 hour week and still go to school during the day because I work weekends. I also make enough to live pretty comfortably alone, and still be able to buy nice things. My job isn't hard, in fact if I had a different boss I wouldn't even care. Its the hating of him that makes it unbearable.

Oh and I have recently discovered that my apartment has cockroaches, or as I like to call them, Cacaroaches. I keep my place pretty clean, I have no idea why now, after 2.5 years here. The pest guy comes on Thursday. I get to empty all my cabinets and clean them, then have him put the poison down, then do it again 2 weeks later. I think I will just keep everything out, well, in boxes for those 2 weeks.

I'm already looking for a new apartment. Can't sign more than a 6 month lease just in case I have to move to Long Beach. See how annoying? I won't know what school I got into (if any) till March 2012. I feel like I will never finish school. I honestly feel like a fucking loser because of it too.

All I wanted to do was watch Dexter and eat a sandwich for fucks sake.

Blast from the Past

2011-11-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I just got another blast from the past email from some guy I conversed with but never went on a real date with, and this was from almost 2 years ago. What the fuck? This happened over the summer with the blind guy email, and then at the beginning of the year, another guy I was talking to but never met up with caught me on IM.

These 3 guys are all at least 2 years from the past and all tried to reach out this year. Yeah, trying to reach out with their cocks is more like it. We stopped talking for a reason, whether it was myself who stopped replying or it was the guys, the conversation was ceased and that was it.

I must give out some "remember me when your lonely" vibe. However I was pretty sure the vibe I gave off is more "We're done, so please fuck off and die" or something along those lines.

I've never experienced this. You know, if we had some kind of relationship, it would be a different story, but we didn't, I don't even know why the guy would make the attempt. Weirdos.

Why can't any of the guys I liked, well guy, Mr Big, ever try and blast from my past? I would take his call on the first ring.

All this message said was how "we met a long time ago, how am I doing and if I am seeing anyone"

We never met, get your girls straight playa.

Like I said, a penis reach out... Just testing the waters.

There's sharks in these waters, its best to stay away.

Passionless

2011-11-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have been the walking dead lately. And not just because of Halloween.

I have been excessively tired, unknown as to why, maybe the shift in weather. I looked at my post count this year and watched each month decline in posts. I mean to write, I login to my blog everyday and stare at the "New Post" page, empty. Cursor flicking.

I haven't been up to much lately. Recycle gardening, trying to figure out a hydroponics system and if I want to start one, cleaning excessively, trying to get back into yoga like I was, focusing on school. Most importantly ignoring my single life. Also ignoring the clear sky ahead in terms of dating, by clear sky I mean no current prospects.

I've pretty much stopped for the current moment.

Its probably a good idea for now, my class is kicking my ass.

Thats an excuse of course, but I don't care.

Maybe I will finish a painting. Or finish one of my many projects.

:/

The Back Room

2011-10-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

I worked in the office on Monday, along with a new person. Well, new as in within the last 2 months I would say. I'm rarely in the office so I don't really track those things. The front office area is being remodeled so that area has been moved to a back room, I had to work up there for computer reasons and he was covering the front.

We talked about random work shit, then he started asking me questions about myself. My family, if I'm originally from here, if I have any pets, my neighborhood, school stuff, career goals, all my 411, like if he was writing a damn article about me, then he asks

"So are you married?"

It was the most timid question. It was almost like he whispered it. I scoffed and told him no.

"Oh, I thought you were, so your seeing someone?"
Moi: "Haha, umm no"
"What's funny?, I thought you were married or in a serious relationship or something"
Moi: "Well, I know you haven't worked here long, but I'm a perpetual single girl, I'm like a serial dater"
"Really? You just like dating?"
Moi: "Not really. I just happen to go on a lot of dates"

Sure, he was getting to know me. I am not the easiest person to get to know, first because I am rarely in the office, but I don't like to talk about my life with people I don't really know. Oddly us two getting along was immediate, so talking about this and that wasn't so much an issue for me.

All the questions, and us being alone in a back room, just made it feel different than your usual Q&A. I am friends in a similar fashion with 2 other guys in the office, but we didn't get to know each other by intense questioning, it was casual conversation, built over periods of time, like normal. To be completely honest, if he didn't have a girlfriend I would think that he is interested in me. Maybe he is, regardless. Who the fuck knows, certainly not I.

I'm not one for office romances, unless its spontaneous sex on my managers desk to spite him of course, but thats a totally different thing all together.

I'm doing my best to ignore the situation. We had a work luncheon today and he was walking out of the restaurant when I was.

"Your not working tomorrow right?"
Moi: "No work tomorrow, I'll be here Friday"
"Oh, so I guess I'll see you.. "
Moi: "On Monday... Have a good weekend"

I walked off and started to talk to the guy I work with on my project. Confirming work things. Important things. Trying to not feel eyes on me. This could be in my head, but I haven't been an active participant in finding a sig other lately. Which means I haven't been putting "it" out there lately.

I typically wouldn't publish a post like this because it almost sounds like I'm blowing this out of proportion. I just thought the whole thing was weird, my brow has been furrowed since Monday and I ain't trying to get wrinkles yo. I'm not an idiot when it comes to men and dating. This sounds like I'm twirling my hair and saying "Oh my gawd, I'm not sure if he likes me, buuuuut I think he likes me, buuut I dunno" that's not what I'm trying to get across.

Well, this is a better post than me looking in the rear view mirror of relationships past. Hah-zah!

Like a Fine Wine

2011-10-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

So I watched the movie "What's your Number?" today. Yes, it sucks, whatever. It does bring up an interesting point though. Men, the ex's, and how they get better with age. Maybe I am selling myself short here in thinking that I don't get better with age. I know I've changed here and there, had more experiences in life, more education, but I'm still in the same job, still going to school... yadda yadda.

It got me thinking and I FB stalked the first guy I went out with when I moved here. When we dated he was an architecture student. Now he has graduated, is a project manager, and is an instructor at another design school. He also looks good. He looked good when I dated him, but he was a baby still, a young face and demeanor. Sure his demeanor may not have changed, but he has grown into his look.

One person who didn't look as good when I encountered him a second time was Dan, aka the Jew, aka the Doctor. Maybe it was because he broke my heart so bad that instead of seeing a charming older man, like when we first dated, I saw an older man who is an asshole... and was also in need of some eye cream for those no longer charming crows feet. Just sayin

The firefighter looked good when I saw him in August. His look was always plain, and I wasn't very attracted to him at first.. or second, okay well not even the third date, but became smitten with his personality and humor. When I saw him again, he had lost weight, seemed more confident, and overall happy in his current life. Minus me.

Penguin, well, I still find him good looking, but he doesn't seem to get better with age. Far as I can tell he is still in single Penguin mode, spending his evenings out drinking and what not. We don't talk as much as we used to. And from my recent text and FB stalking, he is on tour with his band. So there's that...

I need to get better with age. Or I need to believe I get better with age. I know that I'm more grown up, I make wiser decisions, I invest and save money, I do grown up things. I don't feel the age on my skin, I don't see wrinkles... yet. I know I am still beautiful, but I don't feel that with the passing of each ex that I have been excelling at anything.

Maybe they haven't either, its just time has passed and things got finished. Maybe, just maybe, when more time has passed and I have finished school and I am doing something I love to do, an ex will FB stalk me and say the same thing I'm saying now. Its unlikely since the men I have encountered are all selfish d-bags, but whatever.

I really need to stop looking back so much. These men are no longer in my life for a reason. It didn't do the character any good to look back and it wouldn't do me any good as well. Oh and don't bother watching the movie, totally predictable and lame. Although she does have a cute apartment.

My Jeans, My Man

2011-10-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

I always hear women complain about finding the perfect pair of jeans. Or is that a stereotype? I have yet to find the perfect pair of jeans and I am pretty easy going about the whole thing.

Once upon a time Carrie Bradshaw said that we are all looking for three big things, the perfect job, the perfect apartment, and the perfect sig other. Yes, I use Sex and the City as a guide for dating, they covered everything, I can't even list the similarities between my dating life and that show. Actually, I probably have in my blog over the years...

My dating attempts are continuing, and I feel I am pretty easy going about the whole thing, similar to the jeans.

Now, I know "the perfect man" doesn't exist. However, I believe the perfect man for me exists. At least I have to believe it, or all my last bits of hope will be abolished into nothing more than a few measly atoms. I've been emailing on dating site, I've been leaving the apartment, even putting on makeup to run errands. Hanging out at coffee shops doing homework and people watching. Smiling here and there to guys that strike my fancy.

No cigar yet. Shrug. Maybe it will take another year, just like the last one. Who knows, I'm starting to not care much about it anymore, since I am putting the effort in, results should come. Simple statistics right?

In the meantime can't I at least find the perfect pair of jeans?? I went shopping this last weekend looking for jeans. I keep my style simple. Dark rinse, low rise, bootcut jeans with a minimum 33" inseam. I think the retail girls hate me. Mostly because my new thing when shopping is not holding back. Its not like I'm Samantha Jones when she walks into La Perla, but I'm quite opinionated.

The problem I continuously run into is that I am amazonian tall. So, shopping for curvylicious jeans isn't the hardest part, its the length. Even those fascists at Old Navy don't offer tall sizes in stores, for any size. After trying on at least 15 pairs of jeans I found some that I could deal with, figures they would be the last pair I tried on, and also the most expensive. Not long enough, but I guess settling with the imperfections is something I have to deal with, in my jeans and my men.

Future men?

Okay, I really need a post about a boy. Faceplant.

50/50

2011-10-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Its mon mère's birthday today. I called her earlier and we spoke about random things. Eventually a cousin of mine came up. She is not blood related to me, she is a niece of my step fathers. This particular Brother of my step father is very Mormon. They live in Utah, of course, all but 1 of my step fathers siblings lives in Utah.

The cousin is very smart. Now at 24 she has graduated with a degree in Political Science, and oddly has become a pharmacy tech. I say oddly because it seems like you would get a chemistry degree or biology degree and go into pharmacy work. However, her father is a pharmacist and got qualified to train techs, so she got some certificate and now does that.

Her wedding was last month. My mom told me that while there, the cousins mother said "We were getting so worried, she was getting so old, and we were afraid she'd never get married"...

Yeah let that sink in.

I wanted to say "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??", but I said "Well, that's how Mormons are". Its not an insult, its really just how most mormons, especially in Utah, are. I grew up there, I got invited to MANY MANY weddings for kids under 24 years old. Most of them were straight out of high school, at least the girls, while the guys spent 2 years on a mission, then came back ready to start a family. I knew many girls who dated a guy for 6 months and then came into work one Monday morning with a rock from Zales on their ring finger.

This would generally be when I say "I can't believe she is already married and only 24! God I'm so old!", but I really don't care. Mostly because she hasn't experienced much of life outside of her small Utah town. I am sure in about 2 years she will have a child. This is just the way life unfolds for some people. They will live in their small town, doing the same things, and always have the illusion of safety in the familiar.

That doesn't necessarily mean I going to take the world by storm, or I have in any way, shape, or form. I am glad I was not at that wedding though. I could just imagine her mom saying that, then see me, and say something like "Don't worry, he's out there". That statement is face-punch worthy.

Spybook

2011-10-14T14:59:00.001-07:00

The other day I was on Facebook, doing what people do on there and I noticed a "Suggestion for friends" name. I knew the name, the photo was small, but I knew who it was, and he is not my friend. I have never emailed him from my linked FB email, and none of my friends are friends with him, so I wonder how the hell did he pop up there?

This guy is a work associate. Meaning, he works for us. I have never even contacted him through email. So W-T-F Facebook? Are you scanning my phone numbers now from my FB phone app and running them though FB to see if I know them?? Because that would be fucking crazy weird. Are you going to suggest I become friends with my favorite Thai place? (Like I'm already not, AS IF!!)

Them scanning my phone numbers would be the only way he would pop up as a friend suggestion, at least as far as I could tell. I am really sick of Facebook as it is, its all ads and bullshit. If I didn't just love lurking on there I would so cancel. Damn. Think of all the time I would save.

Facebook is so addicting, like some kind of drug. A creepy "I'm lurking on your pictures" drug.

Scaredy Cat

2011-10-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

I was writing about the obvious decline and seeming death of my dating life yesterday when I typed a simple statement with added question:

"Last year I had such a zest and determination to find someone, first date, after first date, after first date, which 99% of, didn't lead anywhere, but I still went. I brushed my shoulder off, a la Jay-Z, after every disappointed adventure. I put on some makeup and headed out my door to meet another stranger and engage in the all too familiar conversation. So what happened this year? Where is that same resolve?"

What popped into my mind at that time was the 1%. Because after all the bad dates, good dates with no future, and just bleh dates, there was 1. I shared myself, not just something physical, but the mental headspace that I don't tell anyone about. Things I have never shared with anyone besides maybe A. A few secrets, a few quirks, someone I let myself feel safe with.

Thats what we do. We all do when we find someone, share our lives, our secrets. Once it was over, unbeknownst to me, I built my wall that much higher. I think that through any sad aftershocks I felt, more bricks piled up, without knowing I did it. I did this with the excuse of saying that I haven't been myself since the accident. I haven't, but there is more to it.

I did this by gaining weight, because it makes me hate myself. I threw myself into at home hobbies. I spent less and less time out with friends with the excuse of trying to save money. Although I would go out now and then, it was nothing like before. My spirit just broke.

I became scared. I didn't know thats what it was. Maybe I'm just an idiot, and when it comes to relationships I am. I have never had much experience with them. I am more of a dater, not a relationship-er. I know the game, I know what to say, how to act, but after the dating, I don't know shit. Its the Abyss.

Today I spent a good amount of time outside of my four safe walls. Going to breakfast with JS, then hanging out at a coffee shop for a while and studying, then we went to dinner. It was nice, it was different. I cleaned out my computer while at coffee and was reading through old auto saved iChats with friends and laughed until my eyes teared up. I wondered if I am still that humorous and quick witted, because I don't feel that way anymore. While I have my jabs here and there, it was like I was reading someone else's words.

Maybe because I have found I am not as resilient as I once was. I've let the fear of letting someone in finally get to me. I should be used to it, and I should have been able to identify what was happening early than now. Speculate your absentee father issues now, this seems like a 101 no brainer.

I know me, and I know that I bounce back from things, it just takes me longer than it should. I am truly embarrassed about that. However, this is not about him, its about me, finally realizing what has been in my way. I have no real plan on how to change it, just to stop trying and just do it.

...Swish

Summer's Eve

2011-10-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

Yep, douche products. I wish there was a douche repellant. I would be buying it in Costco supply.

In the last week and a half I have attempted conversation with 2 people from Match. Lets talk about the Douchebag first.

I simply winked at him, he wasn't one of my "recommended matches" but I am trying to meet peoples out of their ideal matches. Ideal matches for me are things like: "Like you, he likes dogs... Like you he's the oldest child" whoop-de-fucking-do. So he looked interesting, but his profile was short and talked about how he was looking for someone that would encourage growth and vise versa. Other blah stuff, but thats enough explanation.

So we emailed once every few days, then we exchanged numbers. He asked me about my "attitude" towards lust and sex. I do not like that. I do not like any discussion about sex before the first date. Hell, even the second date. If I wanted to talk about sex, I would find some hot guy on Match to email and ask if he wanted to fuck. In fact a really hot guy has already contacted me about that, and I would rather fuck him. I said positive.

In text he asked me what I was going to school for and where, I told him I am completing my UG at a community college, that I had transfered from a University. He ranted on for at least 7 messages how immature community colleges are, and how its so nice to be "in the real world" of a University. People there are adults and grown up and professors don't get mad when students ask "why". I rolled my eyes so much that I think I saw the inside of my skull. Hello pretty brain.

I've been to a University, Intro classes are always full of immature 18 year olds, he also went to the same community college I went to, and now he is talking shit. Dude, get over yourself. Now your in upper division courses, why do you think it seems more grown up? Because they are upper division. Duh.

He asked about my hobbies, this is how that conversation went:

Moi: "Well, I have a lot of craft hobbies, I restore furniture, I paint occasionally--"
INTERUPPTED
DB: "Oh really, What's your medium??"
The tone was almost accusing, like oh you paint, really? We'll see if you know anything about that...
Later on that conversation
Moi: "Yeah, I tend to start a new project before finishing the old one, ADD on art projects or something"
DB: "Oh, do you have ADD?"
Moi: "Um, well a doctor said I did, but I don't really care"
DB: "What's your test diagnosis?"
Moi: "Um, I don't know, she just asked me questions from some form she had"
DB: "Oh because I got officially tested and my score was XXXX, yeah there is an official test for it and I have it"

Dude, this isn't a contest, I don't care!! I was just relating to me not finishing projects, then you get all douchey, good god. Some fucking people. I stopped responding to his texts and calls on Thursday and he keeps calling, texting and he sent me an email on Match this morning. Hello, take a hint. Oh and just so you don't think I am an uber bitch, which I am, but regardless, he is married, but separated, because he is "Too busy and too broke" to get a divorce. Ummm no. Married is married until you are divorced. And he smokes and I despise smoking, I hate the smell of cigarettes, and his profile said he was quitting, he isn't.

Now for the Creep.

Attractive tall black guy. I go for the brotha's on occasion, if it seems right. However ever since the Botany Brotha, I have tended to stay away, he was a fucking crazy. Well, maybe this guy knows the Botany Brotha, cause he is the same kind of creepy. I knew, I had THAT feeling when we were emailing, but I thought "Oh I'll give him a chance" and gave him my number anyway. Fucking psychopath.

First of all, he sent me a text saying just the usual "hello" around 11AM and I wrote back saying I was in lecture and wouldn't be texting till later. I waited till way later because I didn't feel like texting anyone. Around 5PM I texted him asking how his day was and he sent something like "Good. I was hoping you would text me because I was just thinking about you and thinking about texting you, but then you texted me" ummm okay, then he asked how school went and I said good...

THEN he sent me a picture of himself, dressed, but said "I took this picture of me, just for you"... Oh, well, the creep meter is reading REALLY FUCKING HIGH right now. I didn't write back. There was about 3 more messages that night that I didn't answer. Then the next morning he sent me this:

"Good morning sunshine I hope you have a great day :^*"

That little emoticon means a kiss face, since I have an android phone it shows up as one of those Shrek/Alien things in a kiss face. Dude, I don't know you. We haven't met, and now you are sending me kiss face emoticons. First of all, I hate emoticons, the only emoticons that can ever be sent are a simple :) :( :/ and ;) THATS IT! I even find the wink emoticon slightly creepy.

Anyhow, he didn't text me till the next day, something simple, but without the kiss face. Guess I didn't deserve text kisses from strangers the next day. He also called me, then emailed me asking "So you don't want to meet anymore?" umm, thats exactly right, I don't want to meet anymore.

When I talk to a guy one evening, I may text him the next morning, but if I don't hear back from him, I don't take further action. Obviously he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, so why would I be a psycho and try to pursue it? How do those guys not get it? And no, I didn't tell either of them, I just ceased contact. Sometimes you just have to do the fade away, its proven necessary.

This is the question I would like an answer to: Why are dudes so creepy? Why don't creepy dudes know they are creepy? How do you seriously not know?

Welcome to Perfectville

2011-09-26T13:46:00.001-07:00

Let me just start this by saying: Match.com is the biggest waste of money. Its like I tossed $60 out my car window with a hopeful stare for a positive outcome. FUCK THAT SHIT.

Lets see 2 older guys have contacted me, and I knew by THE FIRST email they sent me they were trying to get some ass. I get it, those guys are everywhere on the net, but seriously, try to use some game. Maybe because they see a lady who's got some cushion for the pushin they think I will be desperate for the attention of a man. Well, I'm not. I could get used for sex for free on POF, and at least those guys try and lie about their intentions. Jesus.

I am exchanging emails with a guy I am not really interested in, but I feel like at least I am not just wasting my subscription. Its a dumb justification.

Every guy they "Match" me with are these all american type heros that climb cliffs to save puppy dogs and work out 8 days a week. Those guys end up with butter faced blondes with hot bodies, that want a stock life. Not to be stereotypical or anything, but I am. They are all close with their families, believe in god, and love a steak and potato dinner.

Thats not for me. I want an average dude. Maybe even someone slightly fucked up like myself. Has a realistic outlook on life and doesn't give a shit what people think about him. Someone who doesn't want the cookie cutter life. Yes, I want to get married and have kids, but I do not want the typical life other people lead. I want someone like me, but a dude. Which is why I liked the FF so much, he understood where I was coming from when it was about my past. How do you explain your fucked-upness to someone who has a healthy relationship with their family? It was refreshing to have someone understand.

Match is coming off to me like the Perfectville I never want to be a part of. I feel like "If I knew then what I knew now" I would have never joined the site.

Lately I have been in a zone of thinking that I will never find the guy for me while I live in San Diego. Its rare to come across a guy that gets me, its only happened twice in the 5 years I have lived here: Penguin and The Firefighter. One of them wasn't from here. I will be living here till at least next May. In April I will hear from what University I am going to, and I am kind of hoping CSU Long Beach, but I think that will just present more of the same kind of guy. Who knows. At least its a fresh batch of guys to go through.

I am not on track for my 50 before 30 goal. I only have 27 first dates so far. Gotta get on that, stat!

On a CD

2011-09-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

I have one of these playlists already in my iTunes, but since my musical taste is always being updated, I thought to share a new one. Most of the soundtrack questions include a high school song, whatever, in my movie it would start with my life now. About a girl, bad dating her way through the city. Enjoy.

Opening Credits: "Naturals Not In" by Gang of Four

Waking Up: "Sleepyhead" by Passion Pit

Single Years (read: decades... ): "Hung Up" by Madonna

Feel Good Party Song: "Why Even Try" by Theophilus London. My current dance around the house feel Fab song.

Meeting The One: "By Your Side" by CocoRosie

Lovin': "Rambling (Wo)Man" by Cat Power

Fighting: "Fight Song" by The Appleseed Cast

Missing Him: "No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses... Hey when you go sad, you go all the way.

Getting Back Together (read: hot makeup sexy time): "Infinity" by The XX

Wedding Song: "Pistol" by Dustin Kensrue

Having Kids: "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns and Roses

Grown and Old: "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie

Death/Funeral: "Do you Realize??" by The Flaming Lips

End Credits: "Sunday" by Bloc Party

And if you get the Deluxe Album...

Karoake Song: "Alone" by Heart. Duh.

Signature song if I was a Stripper: "Paradise Circus" by Massive Attack

Yoga Jam: "Smokey Taboo" by CocoRosie or "Moroccan Heaven (Arabesque Remix)" by Souk Criminals

Doing the Dishes Sexy Dance: "Sweet Dreams" by Beyonce

Feel free to answer, I always like to see other peoples musical selections, fun!

I Swear...

2011-09-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

Went to a new salon for a bang trim today, felt like the last person picked at dodgeball. I hate going places that are 'too cool' you know those kind of places. Sorry I don't wear hip leggings and tunics with my gladiator sandals everywhere and perfect photo shoot style makeup, "Oh your going for the natural look, thats so sweet" sha, as if..

Anyway, I really like having bangs, I love the way they look, but I don't want to hop from chair to chair. So I think its time for a proclaimation.

As God (or the PTB) as my witness, I swear to never have bangs again!

(unless the stylist is an absolute bang whiz with photo-documented proof)

Off the Edge

2011-09-13T18:44:00.001-07:00

So I'm pretty sure my hairdresser has given up trying to do something I want. I really never go and get my haircut, I'm generally busy, and I really don't want to spend money. I'm cheap like that. But it had been 8 months. Yep, 8 months. I needed a haircut and color badly.

My appointment was originally on Thursday, but the power went out, I went anyway to reschedule or whatever. My hairdresser said that she would call me Friday as soon as they open in the morning. She didn't call me till almost 1PM. Annoyed.

So I went in today, talked it over with her, decided that blonde maintenance was going to be too much of a hassle, so I decided to go a golden brown and a few blonde highlights around my face. Not tacky sticking out highlights, very blended "can only see in the sun" highlights to add dimension. She would also cut off the dead ends and layer it up.

She took off almost 5 inches. I am furious. My hair is so dark, I have crapped a better brown than this. I am really fucking mad. So last time I went I was pissed and now this time its more of the same. Its enough to change stylists. I really hate finding a new stylist, but I am not going to continue to go to a girl that just does whatever.

I get it, I'm not a huge money maker, I go in mostly for cuts and not color, however I have referred lots of people to her.

It looks like she gave me some kind of mom haircut and went on with her day. Typically I would write a bitchy rant on Yelp, but I think she is a nice person, so I don't want to say anything. Don't know why I have been nice like that recently.

I think I will be hitting up some highly chlorinated pools to lift some of this color out. I can't justify going to see another stylist so soon and I refuse to call for a fix it, I don't want to deal with it. Maybe in 3 months I will go to the person Rowdy referred me to.

Or just clock in some mondo overtime hours to go sooner. We will see how long I can take it. My cheapness generally prevails.

A Good Girl Scout

2011-09-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

So last night the lights went out. It was kinda cool, and also boring. Reading by candlelit isn't the best. Its crazy how dark my neighborhood got, when I went to bed my apartment was pitch black, it was pretty awesome. I love a really dark bedroom to sleep in.

Unfortunately my neighbors from the alley side decided to take this as an opportunity to be loud and cause a ruckus. One guy started fighting with someone, then was like "Call the cops motherfucker, they ain't coming, do it". I got sick of it and went into my living room and tried to sleep on the couch, as soon as I was comfortable the power came back on.

This got me thinking on preparedness. I didn't have any bottled water or anything, it was just a power outage so I filtered some water and filled up my glass containers and left them on the counter. I have a pantry stocked with dry goods and beans, and I had eaten right before the power went out so it wasn't a big deal. Besides I had to eat a box of popsicles, yes I had to. They were too delicious to go all melty.

Today the news is to boil your water before you use it because some neighborhoods water plants lost power, or weren't prepared for the outage to be that severe so although there wasn't cross contamination, but your tap water isn't as pure as it should be.

This afternoon I decided I really need to be prepared for any disaster. I have canned stuff, and candles, but I need batteries and bottled water and all that stuff. So I started a little emergency kit, so far I have gathered some canned beans and fruit, some spices and hot sauce, of course hot sauce, I can't live without it. I have work gloves, Gorilla Duct tape, a disposable camera (recommended), zip lock bags, and also a few gallons of water.

Things I still need to collect, besides more food and water are the personal care items, dish soap, a better first aid kit, batteries, flashlight, a knife (my brother gave me one, but I have no idea where it went), camping dishes/silverware, more candles, a new box of matches, copies of important documents, a small battery radio?, and I am sure some other things that I am missing from this list.

You should also have a "go bag", basically for when your running from the feds. In my opinion.. Just saying. I have a large backpack for that, I am storing most of my emergency kit stuff in my rolling luggage, since it takes up closet space as it is. I already have a pair of thermals in my go bag. You should probably have some cash on hand, thinking that if the power is out and you need some ice or something from the store, you can't use your debit card.

The jist is, I am a single woman, who the fuck is going to save me if some shit goes down? I don't live near any family, well with exception of my cousin, but I will not be heading south in any emergency I can tell you that right now. Plus, why wait to be saved by the government? Yeah, FEMA seems to do a good job 2 to 3 or so days AFTER a disaster happens, so what are you going to do during that time, or if they can't get to you or you to them? So, its time to plan ahead.

"The Single Girls Emergency Kit". What makes it different (read: Single) is that it will include, vodka, wine and condoms. Ha ha ha, that's perfect.

P.S. Know what's odd, when you google the single girls emergency kit all you come up with is dating survival kits, "Bring cash, a condom, mascara, and an backup plan to get out of the situation" jeez.

An Open Heart

2011-09-04T12:38:00.001-07:00

Just say it. Say it now, or you never will.

I didn't want to rot in it anymore. That voice of confidence that appears when you need to blurt out something uncomfortable, or in my case, that has to do with feelings was pushing me to the edge.

The Firefighter called me last night. I don't know why, just to chat I guess. We never got to the real point of why he called me. Maybe it doesn't matter. I honestly didn't expect to hear from him for a long time after the sleepover occurred.

We talked for hours. Around 4 hours and 15 minutes. Gotta use those free weekend minutes. The FF told me about all the things he has changed and whatever he is doing, then we talked about our families, things in our future (independent futures, not together futures), just random things. He tried to convince me on how great camping is and invited me to go with him... What?

Three and a half hours in, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep up the pretense that I could have this casual conversation with him and be just okay with it. I don't have 4 hour phone conversations with anyone. Even A and I are at a max of like 2 hours, and that's when we have serious shit to talk about.

Bathwater was right, I left things unsaid the last time I saw him, and I had shit to say. I was severely unhappy when I didn't say anything, and now I was going to say everything. What is there to lose?

Moi: "Look, I'm sorry, I am not trying to be an asshole here, but I have to say this... I'm glad that you are doing well, and I am glad that we can have friendly conversations like this, but seeing you recently made me realize just how much I miss you, I mean I really miss being with you. It makes me really sad. I never wanted to stop dating."
FF: "I miss you too, and I felt really bad, I still feel bad. This was all my fault. I put in the application for the job, thinking it would be just like all the other applications I put in and it wouldn't pan out, but this one did. This was my chance to get out of San Diego, which is what I was looking to do. The timing of you and the job were just not good, and it wasn't planned, I didn't want to hurt you."

That discussion kinda went on for a while about us missing each other, how bad he felt for hurting me, and how moving really has helped him be a better person. I understood it all, and I get it. At the time he knew that moving would allow him to start over, a completely fresh start in a new city, which is what he wanted. Its something he has taken advantage of as a way to change his life.

Moi: "What I have always wondered is why you never wanted to try, you didn't want to try.."

I couldn't even say the whole sentance, I'm such a sap sometimes.

FF: "I wasn't in the head space to be in anything long distance. I have things I am working on, and I can tell you that I really needed this space and time to work on me. It isn't anything against you, you are such a good person, I needed to really look at myself and improve my life before I could contribute to anyone else's. Things are a lot better for me now, with my career, my health, and discovering what I want in my life. I knew that if we were in a long distance relationship, I would fuck it up. I would ruin it, just like I ruined some other relationships and you didn't deserve that. I was getting attached to you, and I thought a clean break would be better for both of us"

He later elaborated that his reasoning sounded a lot like "its not you its me", which it does. However, I'm not mad about it. I told him that I wish he would have taken a chance, I told him the truth about everything, the things I valued in him as a person, and what I liked about him when we dated. Our personality compatibility aside, we want the same things, I also expressed that is very hard to find in another person.

FF: "It could be a month from now or a year until I am ready to be in something serious, I don't know where I will be, or what I will have worked through, but I want you to be happy, whether its with me or someone else, its what I really want for you. You have such a good heart, and your strong willed and are determined to do things in your life. I like that your opinionated and can communicate openly. Your empathy towards people is something I admire and I don't think you should settle for anything less than what you deserve. I want to be there when you graduate school, and whenever you get your PhD. I want you in my life because I see you as a positive influence to be around, I really want great things for you, you deserve them"
Moi: "You know when I get my PhD, you'll have to call me Doctor"

I had to lighten the mood. He mentioned the "I want you to be happy, be it with me or someone else" 3 times. Yeah, I kept count. I can't wait for him. I can't wait around for him to be ready to be with me. I didn't tell him that specifically, all I said was that if an opportunity came around that we were both available that I would be open to it. Thats it.

I pushed all safety nets aside for this 45 minutes of conversation to ask very honest questions, being vulnerable is something I do not do. I write about things here that are emotional for me, but its a rare case that I will expose those thoughts to other people, and I especially do not expose them to men.

But I wanted answers, I needed them. Everything he said is what I already assumed, but his high regard of me and my character was surprising. It may be just a friendship he wants with me, but I don't know. He left it for me to decide.

I told him to make plans to go camping on a weekend. He said probably in a month or 2, since he has leave he needs to take. I don't mind going camping with him, I don't feel like I am sabotaging myself because after all that bleeding heart conversation I feel so much better. I woke up this morning in a different light, the sadness that had been bogging me down for the last month was gone.

I don't feel like we will get back together, I don't feel that we will talk with any sort of regularity, and I am not even sure if the camping trip will happen. Hell, I don't even know if we will ever talk again.

Its like the book you read that you have many questions after its done. Some you just think "Oh yeah, I'm sure the author thought XYZ", and just assumed the unknown. Now I know what wasn't said and can put this book on the shelf. Or donate to Goodwill, whichever works.

First Date #27

2011-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Its likely my apartment reeks of misery, if misery has a smell. Everything seems stagnant. Even if my kitchen window garden is still growing, I wasn't moving. I decided to take action and do something I didn't want to do. Really didn't want to do. I made up a Match profile and account.

I think there is a conspiracy for Match by the way. I made up my profile and then went to bed, I hadn't paid for my membership at this point. So when I wake up, I have like 10 emails from Match, 4 dudes "winking" at me, 2 emails, and then confirmation crap. I think these dudes are paid to do that so people will sign up. When I used eHarmony, something similar happened, but once I properly paid for shit there were no messages. Just saying.

I met this guy on there, super cool, sarcastic, basically what I put on my profile that I wanted, which is what attracted him. He's a country boy, I'm into it. Number 27 told me that most girls just get offended by his sarcastic humor, its hard to offend me, and as long as someone's humor is not malicious, it doesn't bother me.

Anywho, so we went out on a date last night. Met at a wine bar near my house, which was a shit place that will soon get its proper horrible Yelp review, he was cute. We both had wine, I finished mine and he ordered me another, without asking me, well he told the waitress "I think she needs another glass" but hey, I guess he wanted to continue spending time with me right? Who knows. After that we walked to a mexican place up the street.

I get pretty tipsy off 2 glasses of wine. Take into account I rarely drink and I practice hot yoga, which makes you sweat excessively, and that sweaty clean out of your body just makes intoxication that much quicker, and more effective. I felt myself getting to that point where I wanted to get touchy, very touchy, maybe bedroom touchy, whatever. I kept it in check, thankfully.

He unknowingly parked quite close to my house, so on our way back to my street he said

#27: "Well, I am offering to walk to your house, but if you don't want me to know where you live, then thats okay"
Moi: "That's quite gentlemanly of you, thanks. Hows about you walk me to the entrance to my apartment area?"
#27: "Thats good with me"

I don't really have an "apartment entrance" its all cottages, its not fenced or anything. He walked me to where the first cottage is, and said that he had a good night, I thanked him for dinner and the drinks again and we hugged, but with both of us it was the single arm casual hug. I didn't like that. When we spoke on the phone the day before he told me about one of his bad dates and thats how he ended the date, the single arm pat on the back hug. That hug is now to be referred to as "The Hug of Death".

The Hug of Death: (verb) A partial half ass hug in which a person uses 1 arm to hug someone, its generally a sideways body embrace and accompanyed by the back pat. The Hug of Death is used mostly with acquaintances or friends from long ago, awkward meetings or endings in the dating world, old Aunts that wear too much perfume or your creepy Uncle.

However, I also went in for the hug of death... A said that it was probably because it was the first date. Now that I am thinking about it thats what I did with the Firefighter on our first date. I really wanted a kiss though, that was most likely a heavy influence of the wine. Oh well.

I really wasn't sure what he thought about me after that. It was a good date, and this is when I remembered why I hate dating. The analyzing. The uncertainty. Realizing you like someone and now your stuck wondering if they like you too. Right as I was walking up my stairs my phone dinged.

A: "SO???"

Jesus, right on time. I called her up and broke it all down, then we analyzed for a bit, then hung up. My phone dinged again.

#27: "I had a nice night, thank you"
Moi: "I had a good time too, hopefully we can do it again soon."
#27: "Yeah that sounds good"

So I hope we go out again. Who knows.

Taking Back Sunday

2011-08-22T18:57:00.001-07:00

Oh crap I have no idea what the point of this conversation was... I was listening to the Firefighter talk about something. If he is anything its opinionated. That boy can talk about any subject, in a thorough and thoughtful manner. I think he realized he was losing me after a while and started intently asking me questions and motioning for me to elaborate.

Whereas I share my opinions on more of an emotional level, he does not. The answer to a "How are things" question is all about work, books he is reading or what he has recently watched. Nothing from the inside. I know its a male thing, but I would have enjoyed knowing what was really going on with him, and not just the things that make his little world.

Time passed quickly and it was suddenly 10PM. I could tell his was tired by the red in his eyes, I asked what time he woke up that morning and he said 3AM. He was planning to drive back north that night, and I offered him a place to stay.

"As long as it doesn't put you out, I don't want to be a hassle..."
Moi: "You're not, no worries, I rather you stay than get in an accident, you've barely slept at all today"

Is that why? No, not fully. Its a boring drive, I do it almost everyday, at least the majority of it, going on a 19 hour day and working in the sun is not a good combination for anyone. Ever since he called I've had this inkling to have him in my bed, not having sex, not doing anything more than having his arm draped over me. Completely innocent..

I wore a simple maxi lounge dress, when we dated in winter I would wear a half sleeve sweater tunic to bed. I decided on not wearing my skimpy bed clothes, at least try to keep some decency, or whatever you would call it.

He never touched me. The entire night. Setting up boundaries and sticking to them, but through the excess blanket between us he would cuddle close. Close enough to feel his slow sleepy exhales on my bare back. The only thing that has breezed across my skin at night is the air circulated through my window fan. I'd take his hot breath any day.

I know he was trying to respect me, but what kept me awake almost all night was the thought of how much I would like to be disrespected in the moment. Well, not even disrespected, what I wanted was a simple arm draped across me. A hand on my hip. Or body to body, instead of body to blanket to body. I haven't had anyone in my bed for 8 FREAKING MONTHS!

My thoughts churned all night, between that and not being used to his snoring anymore I probably accumulated 2.5 hours of sleep. Dreading and wishing for the alarm to ring because it would be over. My thoughts would calm.

I got up close to 5AM and quickly got ready, I joined him in the living room once I gathered everything I needed and I asked how dating has gone up there. He said he hasn't dated anyone, too many "Vietnamese princesses" he said. That was about as far in depth as the conversation went. He didn't ask me about my dating life and I didn't offer.

At the bottom of my stairs he stretched his arms out for a hug and I embraced his midsection. It was as close as we'd been all night.

"If your ever in my area, call me, we'll hang out. I'll give you a call if I'm in San Diego again"
Moi: "Ok, yeah, I will"

During our evening conversation he mentioned he is happy up there, happy with the decision he made to take the job, and to leave San Diego. This may have been when I realized that long distance wouldn't have worked. I know that he wouldn't want to keep a connection to San Diego, especially a connection as big as a girlfriend. Even if he did take too many glances at my tits that evening.

Fantasyland

2011-08-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just realized something. Actually, I had part of this revelation a couple weeks ago. I haven't been kissed at all in 2011. Sure, my fault I guess, not dating like a crazy person as per usual. Not for lack of trying, I have been talking with guys, it just never progresses to a real date. Just think, if I went out with all the guys I started email conversations with via dating sites, my "List-O-First Dates" would be more than 27 right now.

The second part of this revelation is the last person I had sex with was Mr Big. In November 2010. That's not so far away. I'm almost a virgin again!... Well, according to Charlotte anyway.

I feel the need to go out and hook up randomly and I know its because of the looming "encounter" with The Firefighter, which is happening on Sunday. I refuse to call it a date, its a pre-planned occasion where we will have a meal in each others presence. A meal that I will not be paying for, just to be clear.

I have felt my little slice of hope tingle all week over this. Deluded fantasies of "us". I really don't need elaborate more on that, I've spewed my feelings about him all over this blog. I quickly try to squash any and all of that type of thinking, but I can't lie and say I haven't been looking forward to seeing him. As much as it disgusts and delights me.

Cabinet

2011-08-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

I bought this cabinet/dresser around 4 months ago I think. Its been awhile. I finally finished it. Total time was only 4 days, however, its been in my garage. It was too heavy for me to bring up by myself, and I kept forgetting to ask JS to help me bring it into my apartment whenever he was over.

Anyway, when A was visiting she said she would help me. So, up it went, then it got stripped and repainted. Some new hardware. I like it a lot, but I am not sure that I like it for my apartment.

Before

Bleh.

After:

This is what I have been up to as of late. Well, this and watching Weeds and drinking Starbucks Very Berry Hibiscus refreshers. They are delicious!

The Insides

2011-08-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking on and off about the conversation we had. Not trying to read into anything, but found my curiosity peaked nonetheless. Since then I have had conflicted feelings on the whole thing. Interest, disgust, at first hopeful. That died quickly.

I am at place between casual interest and disgust. Not because anything that was said was inappropriate, but because I am not sure what he wants. At first when he called I thought he did want a place to stay, as Bath suggested. After he told me he was staying with someone else, I almost breathed a sign of relief.

However, the consensus (2) of the people I had told (3) are saying "booty call". I would like to think that is not why he called to have dinner. The Firefighter was never like that, he never had ulterior motives. A quickly reminded me that he is, after all, a man. This is what disgusts me. That if he really thinks he will get anything like that from me... I mean, you really think that little of me? Seriously? So now I'm just some skeeze? I don't fucking think so. Of course this is all just speculation.

During the conversation I could tell he was lonely. Just by how he was sharing with me, and his insistence that if I am ever in the area to feel free to give him a call.

One particular point of the conversation made me furrow my brow. It goes as follows...

FF: "I was talking to my dad the other day and I was saying how I don't think I take enough risk. Like if it isn't a sure thing, I won't chance it. My dad agreed with this, in a 'yeah I know you don't chance anything' kind of way, I was somewhat irritated, he makes such bad decisions, and he is going to flippantly judge me"
Moi: "Well, you can be as irritated as you want, but wouldn't you rather hear the truth? Not everyone is going to give you an answer that you want to hear. I happen to agree with him, I don't think you take enough chances."
FF: "I know I don't take enough chances, and I feel like I have missed out on a lot of good things"

Ahem. Duh.

Moi: "Well, everyone has something. I judge quickly and tend to make rash decisions, then end up changing my mind after I've already fucked things up."

What was this?? "Mistakes we made that we didn't want to come out and honestly admit" time?? Lets beat around the bush some more. I have contemplated about the time we lost when I ended things with him after a couple dates. It was 2 weeks. I used to find myself wondering if those weeks would have made any difference. I can't answer that, no one can, but I eventually decided they didn't. Things worked the way they did, there is no use continuously looking in the rear view mirror about it.

FF: "I can't believe your working on the weekend, I'm tired for you"
Moi: "Its not bad, I like it. No one is here, I can listen to the radio as loud as I want at my desk, I come in when I want, no traffic, I wear my comfy adidas track pants and a t-shirt, no one is here to say shit about it."
FF: "Oh so you don't have to wear that uniform that doesn't fit anymore?"
Moi: "What?"
FF: "I just remember you mentioning you guys had to wear new work shirts and you complained that yours were too tight on certain areas."
Moi: "Oh yeah, no, I don't wear that on the weekend, just during the week. And yeah, its too tight around my tits, and its really annoying, considering I work around all dudes. Creepy old dudes. Its unacceptable"
FF: "I don't think they mind, I know I wouldn't"
Moi: "I mind, its filthy, I get eye raped by old creeps, so I have old work shirts that are really baggy and I wear those"
FF: "You shouldn't have to cover yourself up, you have a beautiful body"
Moi: "Its not like I'm in a burka"
FF: "Just sayin, I am not trying to come across as a creep"

Creep. So far it was a set up "booty call" call 2 to 3.

Mousetrap!

2011-08-06T18:27:00.001-07:00

I remember playing this board game with my brother when we were kids. Although I use the term "Playing" loosely because we would set up the trap, then trigger the marble to set off each little piece until the end. Then set it all back up again, arguing endlessly.

After 4 or 5 times we would get bored and move along to something else.

The point is that once the marble was set off, there wasn't a stop until you were trapped. If you were the one trapped, you'd lose. We just liked watching trap being set in motion.

I feel that my dating life is like this game. At this point in my life, I know what I am doing, and I know that when I set something in motion, a text, a call, something I specifically say, I know what the outcome will be from there, or I know the possible outcomes, good or bad. I have an idea where the marble is heading.

The firefighter called me today.

Um what? Is this a dream? Ha-ha not funny.

Thats what I thought when I saw his name appear on my phone. After months (months being 6 or 7 of them) of no contact. My heart dropped down to my stomach. On that note, I would like a real explanation of what the hell the feeling is, because I have no idea, and you feel it, its like you actually feel something drop within you.

I cleared my throat in attempts to summon a very cool, nonchalant voice, then answered. He sounded nervous, asking me how I am about 3 times on accident, phrased differently each time. I seriously thought "Oh crap, this is the phone call where he tells me he has AIDS and now I should get myself checked. Fuck!"

It wasn't that kind of call. The Firefighter will be up here in 2 weekends, covering some race, and asked if I would have dinner with him some night. I said yes. The rest of the conversation was very interesting, so much so that I am unable to put it all together yet.

I think the marble that instigated this phone call was very simple, and unfortunately has to do with Facebook. Fucking Facebook. A link he posted came up on my feed this week, it was a trailer for the new Battleship movie that my Viking Vampire God Eric Northman, played by Alexander Skarsgard is in. All it said was "uhhh is this for real??", I wrote something about how I should defend this movie because ASkars is in it, but it looked like it sucked.

I never meant for such an insignificant move to trigger this. If it even did. I mean maybe he would have called me either way, but who knows, and I don't care enough to speculate on it. I would have never called someone out of the blue like that.

Besides I'm a lady, I don't call guys, they call me.

Death Dreams

2011-08-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have a sickening feeling that my dreams are slowly going to kill me. Not so much in a Freddy Krueger way, but more of a mocking "Oh this is want you want? Na na na na na".

Monday night wasn't so bad, it was a male friend of mine. He is starting his own business, physical health fitness, personal training, all that stuff. I could feel him holding me, then saying in my ear how he loves my body and I should love it too. It woke me up because it felt so real. I literally had to move my arms to check that I was alone.

A side effect of working out a lot is renewed body confidence. At least for me. I grew up hating my life, thus myself, taking blame that should have never been given, and seeking comfort in the only thing there, food. Trying to understand it all has eventually led me to the career I am pursuing now, in Nutritional Science. This is not a post about that stuff.

I found the dream interesting because this year, after being crushed and crashed in 2010, I love myself more than ever, and my body, that is not perfect, but always a work in progress, is perfect for me. I don't know why I would dream it, maybe I just felt like I needed a man to say it too, even though he really didn't.

The other dream, from last night is something I don't even want to talk about, amazingly enough. It wasn't a nightmare, but felt too real. It makes me wonder why some dreams feel so much realer than others. Maybe because you want them more? I am not sure. I wish I knew why I was having these dreams specifically, or the cause of my vivid dreams in general, but there is no constant connector.

Some people say when they eat X, Y, or Z, it causes nightmares or other specific genre dreams. I skipped dinner both nights I had these dreams, maybe that is my connector. Maybe I should buy some of that sleepytime tea, as long as it would shut my mind down, I'm open to it all.

Soul Sucker

2011-08-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

I lifted my "hiatus" dating status for a bit to indulge in some man meeting. Or maybe "man meating" because I think it was my vagina's idea to be completely honest. I have been quite content, pleased even, to be alone recently. So I started talking to this guy, a normal joe schmo, so I give him my number for the initial "phone date".

Anybody who dates online knows about this. I typically don't like the phone date, but eh whatever. Lets get things rolling. I was so bored on this phone call that I almost feel asleep. Not really, but we were talking about if it was hard to date because I am so tall. I told him that a few guys have had an issue with it, but thats their problem. His reply:

"Well, thats just the way that god made you"

Umm, exsqueeze me? Say again? Wha? No actually, thats called genetics.

I am not religious, I do not believe in god, and I find that religion is quite the determinant when dating. I don't care if people are religious, and if I meet a guy who believes in god, that is fine. However, I will NEVER go to church with you. It is not something I am willing to compromise on. So that means that a relationship would probably not work out.

I just want an Atheist. A sarcastic atheist that is a realist and can joke about inappropriate subject matter. The few lousy dates I have been on this year make me want to slit my wrists while marathon listening to Bon Iver.

I am beginning to really believe that the personality traits I found in he who must not be named will never present itself in anyone else. And that idea makes me add up how many "safe" child bearing years I have and estimate appropriate time to be in a relationship before marriage, and marriage time before kids, and how much longer I will be in school and then realize that maybe what I really want I will never get.

I have never ever had a mini crisis of this. Because it was always "Oh it will happen" I've never realized my age, not truly. I do not think I look even close to 30, which IMHO a lot of people don't nowadays, benefits of good face cream I guess, and hot yoga thankyouverymuch. But however strong your anti-aging cream may be, your body still ages. Your insides will show the test of time.

My uterus is probably as shriveled as my heart right now.

In With the New Old Thing.

2011-07-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

I purchased a new restoration project, the lady said it was a side table, but its actually an old sewing table. The drawers don't open unfortunately, but I can replace the knobs through the underside. However I don't have a space for it in my place. So I don't know what I am going to do with it. Maybe I will just redo it and sell it.

Swimming Alone

2011-07-27T19:42:00.001-07:00

Tuesday morning I pulled on my red swimsuit and took a looksee at myself in my bathroom mirror. Its not a full length, just a standard old single mirrored medicine cabinet. I decided that I looked good, at least to myself, maybe not to anyone else. Whichever. It wasn't just that I looked good, it was that I felt good about myself.

I have been working out a lot lately. I don't have much else to do. School is not in session, I am not dating anyone, in my spare time now I have been making jewelry, but I already feel myself evolving past that hobby, well until the stuff I ordered online comes in at least.

Anyway, Monday and Tuesday I was riding the endorphin high. Right now, post my 90 minute work out I am waiting for it to kick in. I was in my Deep Water Sweat class today, near the end where we stretch, I was floating vertically in the water, a slight flutter to my legs to keep the tops of my shoulders above water and the surface was glassy. Slight motions here and there but nothing else besides the multiple shades of blue that appear in the little waves shadow and the setting suns light. It made me sad.

I don't know why floating there during a workout made me sad, my hormones should be in full effect "I'm a kick ass sexy beast" mode. Well, I'm sure it has more to do with PMS than anything else. Just sucks. I was very happy with myself and my somewhat-at the moment-still life, today its poop. At least I still got a good workout in, instead of just being sad and on my couch for the entire evening.

The Face

2011-07-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

A Moral Dilemma

2011-07-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

So a few years back this happened.

About 4 months or so ago a police officer from school called me about the incident and asked for a statement over the phone. Apparently the girl is suing the school for assault or something. I told her that I journal and had written about it right after it happened and would be fine with sharing it with her. I edited out my internal dialogue and snarky comments and emailed it to her.

Last week I missed a certified mail delivery, I went to pick it up yesterday and its a notice about my name and information being disclosed for a subpoena to potentially be called as a witness in this case. I'm on a middle ground about this. I think I will be called as a witness, however, I really do not want to go to court. I don't want to take time off work, unpaid, or end up spending one of my days off in a hot courtroom.

That being said, I also do not want this girl to win her case. She has no grounds, and there was no restraint on her until she tried to hit the cops. Not the best idea.

I have 7 days to write a letter and ask to not be included in the subpoena, yet I am not sure what I will do yet. I wonder if they could just use my written statement, I don't see why that is not enough. Dramarama.

I knew that certified letter was bad news. Why couldn't it have been a fat money check? Damn my luck.

"Papaya"

2011-07-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

I saw this at Anthropologie, well a version of it. Decided that I could make it myself and save some money. I saved some money, not a tremendous amount, however I do have some of these beads leftover to use on something else. Win-win. Personally I like my version better.

The materials

The result: "Papaya"-Project #3

She's Crafty!

2011-07-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to take all my craft stuff and put it on my large living room carpet and take a picture. I feel like I have every craft hobby there is. I like doing some kind of craft, then I invest money in little things for the hobby here and there, then I get bored and move on.

Ceramics, painting, photography, scrapbooking, sewing, gardening (which I still do, but have lost interest), jamming (still do, but haven't wanted to lately), crocheting, furniture restoration, kombucha brewing, cooking (kind of counts as a creative hobby) and lately jewelry making. I'm crafty, I like creative hobbies, which is fine. I also collect gnomes and indie art.

I switch too much. I don't spend enough time on one thing. Painting for example, I have probably 5 canvas's in my closet, some with outlines, sketches, or whatever on them. I have only 2 finished pieces in my house.

I still like all the crafts I've done, I actually really like doing them, when I have the time. It just seems like I'm a craftaholic or something. Like excessive. I know part of my problem is that I don't finish my projects, it takes too long, or I get started with something else.

Oh well, keeps me occupied until school starts I guess. Besides I spent about $19 today at Michael's and made 2 chunky bracelets that I like. I need a smaller string, which will be about $1.50 and I will have 3 bracelets. I'll post pictures later.

I went to the San Diego Pride parade today and it was fabulous. Seriously, all the hot guys are gay, so unfair! Now I have a sunburn on one shoulder where my shirt collar was constantly pushed down, I look like an idiot, I always get misshapen sunburns. It must be a talent.

Error: Reboot

2011-07-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

Almost everything of mine is broken. I have no idea why, but maybe its just the rule of three's.

My Time Capsule is on the fritz right now, its my wireless router and backup drive and it really wants to be punched I think. I really hate dealing with computer bullshit. I have been dealing with it not backing up my hard drive for the last week and if I was mad about it on Tuesday, I am raging now.

My DVD burner on my laptop is also giving me a hard time. Its in serious need of a face punching. If it had a face. Technical issues are not a forte of mine. I can fix things here and there, but I have no patience for them in general. This laptop isn't even 3 years old, but I still have Apple Care on it, so I will likely be going to the Apple store with it soon.

My sewing machine, seriously haven't used it in years, busted it out last night to mend some things and its acting up. It may be user error, but I am not completely sure since I am not a sewing machine pro. All I know is that I wanted some time away from computer bullshit and started to sew, then it started fucking up. Nice.

My insides are somewhat on the fritz right now as well. I am going to have to start up a food journal and all that fun stuff because something is making me sick, not throw up sick, but more like "Holy mother of god it feels like my intestines are being stabbed" kind of sick. Not sure if its food allergies in general, lactose issues, or some kind of colitis or IBS. FUN! Maybe its just me getting old because I am starting to get heartburn with everything I eat, which I never had before.

Curse of broken things in fours maybe? Or there could be double trouble and 2 other things I haven't found yet... Guess it will have to be a surprise.

Too Much

2011-07-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

Its too much flirting. I think this is just how he is with people, or females for that matter. Flex and I didn't hang out this weekend, which is all good by me, I am heavy in Dexter marathon watching mode anyway. Besides, heading out to El Cajon anytime soon is not on my high list of fun things to do. Its hot as hell out there, almost everyday of the year.

We texted on Saturday, later that evening I was lying in bed, alone, and realized why I could never go through with anything physical with him--whether he wants to or not. I know I've already made my choice. I've made a choice to not be "that girl" anymore. "That girl" being the girl who will just throw caution to the wind and get busy with someone I've just met. I've been that girl, and I wasn't happy. I've been trying to do things that make me happy, not unhappy.

Besides I don't trust him. Its too much flirting, its too many sideways glances and sly smiles, not enough of his serious voice and too much of his smooth voice. I've known guys like that forever. The temptation will be there, but the will to act on it won't.

My subconscious doesn't feel the same way. After Saturday night's goodwill thinking I had quite the sex dream about him. I woke up relieved though, and not in the "now I have to go smoke a cigarette" way, but because it was just sex in the dream. There were no feelings involved, it wasn't about anything emotional like my last startling sex dream revelation. My subconscious is back to its slutty ways, whew!

I hope that if there is ever a "moment" between us I remember to be smart. To fight any in the now feelings, because they will not last for the long haul, which is what I am really looking for.

In other news, Harry Potter marathon, 2 more days till the last movie, exciting! I also found super cute glittery heels today at the mall, I am totally buying them. They also have them in flats, I am buying those too.

Then the Weekend Comes

2011-07-08T16:49:00.001-07:00

Flex called me last weekend. So fucking weird. I haven't really heard from him since right after the last week of school. I don't even remember what we talked about back then, but this time he was insistent that I ignored his phone call and text messages. He never called me nor texted me. My phone is brand spanking new, besides its 2011, there really isn't the excuse of "I didn't get your message" anymore, the only way you didn't get a message is if you didn't send one. Duh.

Anyway, he was "joking" around with me about how he feels like he has lost self esteem because I haven't called him and that his friends that he has told about me don't believe I exist. Ummm, why are you telling your friends about me? I don't get it. We were school friends, I wrote about him on the blog because he was hot and I wanted to have a crush on him, but it never really came to light.

I was confused about him talking about me, but I didn't care enough to ask questions. Flex has been adamant on being completely honest with me about his past, always divulging information I never asked for, almost like full disclosure, maybe as some kind of "just in case". Not really sure, I don't understand it. I typically don't offer information.

Flex phone flirted, I played back, this is our game. He reminds me of penguin, using me as a cool girl to talk to when he is lonely, but at least Flex has the balls to have a real phone conversation with me, then mention hanging out, versus going no where random text messages. Maybe they are not alike at all.

He mentioned we should hang out this weekend and watch a movie. Now, code for "watch a movie" is come over, watch maybe 10-15 minutes of a movie then get busy. I wouldn't think this would happen between us, but its been awhile. Lets just say if Vah-Jays collected dust, I'm in serious need of a Swiffer, if you know what I'm saying.

On that note, I must end my post because that is seriously the best sex analogy I have ever come up with.

Miss Independent

2011-07-03T19:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel a slight sting when I mention being completely independent. It seems like a fancier way to say "alone".

Yeah, I can get all attitude about it, be the Fierce independent woman that Destiny's Child talked about, but at the end of the day, I sign all my checks, I feed a hungry and furry mouth (Penelope), and I keep my house in working order. Somewhat, okay, its a little messy on a good day, I'm busy.

What I mean, is are there bragging rights saying you did it by yourself, and if there are, who the fuck cares? Who can I tell that I didn't take a hand out? When I finish school, paid for by myself, will it matter? Will my degree be a little fancier than someone else's because its my hard earned money, not loaned by a bank, and not given by my parents?

Because my way wasn't paved, in fact, my way didn't have any semblance of a path.

For that, the lack of direction, I will always have a grudge. Its solidified almost everyday. However, that really wasn't the direction of this post, but lately I have had truths on the mind. The ugly truth. What's really real.

So maybe that just makes me a fighter, as weird as that sounds, because I hate fighting, I hate anything resembling it. I wouldn't think to call myself a fighter. Although, maybe I can exchange fighter for independent.

I find myself alone more often than not. Correction, I find myself independent more often lately. Although my gym activities and yoga practice is typically a solo thing and I've always liked it that way. I'm actively not looking for any romance this summer, focusing more on the insanely hard goal I have set for myself and thinking about how much money I'd like to blow out on my birthday in September.

So for summer, I will exchange independent for fighter. I'm going to have to be extremely determined to hit my goal. I will always be independent, I never see that changing. I've never really fought for me before, at least not in this way. I finally climbed out from the bottom that I've been in, and being down there was never worth it.

Zombie Homeland Security

2011-06-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

After a particularly grueling workout on Wednesday I was slumped on my couch, muscles in agony, when I noticed my phone blinking. It was a twitter mention. It was from the OkCupid guy. I made the mistake of using my Twitter name as my OkCupid profile name. A quick google search and the first link is my twitter. Yes, I am creeped out by this.

Even more so that my blog is possibly discovered by him as well. I was deleting and drafting for the better part of the evening. I Considered making ZLA private or by invite only, but then shrugged it off. My blog is anonymous for the better part, however anyone who knows me and reads this could obviously figure out who I am.

I tell the truth, my stories, my life. I try to do it with a little class, but you can't please everyone. I dislike the possibility of being discovered, but life goes on. Especially since it was me from an online profile perspective, that is not the real me. The only thing that differs from that profile to me here is that there are photos of me there, but not here. Here is who I am behind all the snappy lines, and "interesting" factoids about myself.

Its the advertisement of myself that I put on there. The good, only the good, and of course the funny. My talents, not my insecurities. Here, I post the guts. The fucking mess I can be at times, and anyone who has contributed insight or just read the words I have typed I feel quite thankful for.

I guess there is always a day of reckoning. One day, maybe far away or who really knows, someone who I may have wrote a lot about, or may write a lot about could find it all. I have never written with the thought of being discovered and I never will.

Soooo that's enough of the Debbie Downer for now I think. Whenever I think things are getting boring, sheesh.

She Is No More

2011-06-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a Wednesday date in my last post. Fuck it. My OkCupid account is no more. The boring message exchange had me losing interest. I was fighting with myself to even answer his single sentence emails. I am not as desperate as I think. In fact, I am not desperate at all, so why bother?

That site is full of nothing but losers. Every guy I have met from there has been a loser, in one way or another. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. If I join another online dating site, I think I will shell out the cash, in hopes that I will find someone who isn't trying to waste their time.

The guy, we were still emailing, but he was avoiding my questions, and dropping hints about him wishing he had company and what not. I know where little hints lead to. There is a difference, and what I mean is when a guy talks about wanting to just hang out with someone, and its not talked about in the sense of going out on a date, its going in a direction I don't want to go. I feel this way about pet name talk as well.

It tells me that your lonely, first of all, and also, where is the official date going? Do guys think that just because we exchanged multiple messages that I'll want to meet in a more intimate way? Because I don't. A lot of guys tend to do this and the only reason I can think of as to why is that it worked in the past.

Besides, when I point blank ask "Have you thought of where you would like to meet on Wednesday?" and you do not answer my question, that is a problem for me.

I sent him a last 1 lined reply email, then really thought about it. Was it worth it? No guy on OkCupid has ever been worth it, he hasn't made me laugh at all. There has been no interest in anything he has told me about himself. I even thought back to The firefighter, sure he wasn't the hottest guy, but he could make me laugh, our communication was the spark. This dude didn't have it.

Then I just deleted my account. FOREVER this time. I really don't want to date anyone right now.

On a better note, I just watched the first 2 episodes of True Blood, I'm so happy. 9 long months of waiting... Waiting for the True Blood translation of Dead to the World (Sookie Stackhouse books the series is based on). Ah its so great so far.

And I Fear..

2011-06-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

Is there an official clinical name for fear of going on a date because it could be 1) awful or 2) a waste of time, which would probably still be awful. I think about going on a date and I want to lay down.

I've been emailing with this guy, a geeky type nerd, which is generally right up my alley, and he just barely started mentioning us going out. We've been taking since like Tuesday or something. Seriously bro! I honestly wonder about guys that like to exchange messages for days. Its a waste of time and I hate wasting my time.

I would hope that it is completely obvious that I have already lost interest, a sentence here and a sentence there, thats all we write to each other anyway. Thats what happens.

There is a plan for Wednesday but nothing of what we are doing yet. Whatever, he can plan it, as long as I don't have to drive far.

Goodbye to You

2011-06-21T11:37:00.001-07:00

Easily on of my favorite pieces of furniture to come across my doorway. Its A's, but she has been storing it at my house for 1.5 years, so I have just accepted it into my house. Her sister came to get it today, since she is moving and taking the fireplace with her.

My living room looks real pathetic right about now. I'm on the search for a replacement piece. We'll see what I'll find.

Sideways Sunday

2011-06-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm having a bleh day. Started with hearing some homeless "ladies" walking by my bedroom window... talking about blow jobs. I'm not kidding. I don't mind sex talk, not at all, however, at 630AM, I mind hearing that HOMELESS ladies are getting dick. And I'm not... Just saying. Hahahaha. Totally joking, they probably have AIDS.

Anyway, cock-a-doodle-doo, so I got up and got ready for work. Mid day I found out that my jeans ripped. Right up the middle seam of the ass. This has happened with 2 other pairs of jeans, the same brand. I like the fit on the jeans, its hard to fit a good fitting jean, especially one that is long enough for me. But I'm done. These jeans have the "stretch" factor, so it wasn't a very visible rip, but I did stop at the store to get lunch, so I hope I wasn't flashing chonies at a bunch of people. Oh well if I did I guess.

I got home and threw them out. There's $60 down the drain, I should write a letter or something.

Some guy emailed me on OkCupid, I checked out his profile and he was stupid enough to put his name on his profile, so I found him on FB. His profile was private, but his main photo looked like a fucking engagement photo of him and his fiance/wife. Where the fuck does it say that I want to be a mistress on my profile?? I don't remember typing that. And hello, already looking for a piece on the side may mean that you SHOULDN'T BE GETTING MARRIED FUCKFACE.

Oh and also, hello ghetto ass engagement photo, I would never allow my Mister to wear a god damned t-shirt to take engagement photos in. Fucking white trash.

Such Great Heights

2011-06-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

We had a quiet get together for A's bachelorette party last night. She wanted to go to Vin de Syrah, which is a marketed as a speak easy wine bar. Its in the gaslamp district downtown, and admist douchey bars galore, there is a bouncer next to a staircase on the corner. Stepping down the graffiti covered stairwalls, you find yourself in a ivy covered corner, with a hidden brass door handle.

Walking in you see the interior is basically Anthropologie's take on Alice in Wonderland. Branches, plants, and flowers hang strategically from the ceiling, over the bar there are bare bulbed wire covered light fixtures hanging around. The furniture, oversized and dramatic sitting chairs and tables. Over the main sitting area, there is a large round "couch" that looks like some the Caterpillar would call home, above it are white umbrellas, that have floated up to the ceiling.

The design is cool, the service sucked, and the drinks were just meh.

I wore my new shoes for the occasion, my strappy wedged sandals. I should have just worn flats. I now have large blisters on the balls of my feet, I am in so much pain right now. I have a lot to do today, and I haven't left the house.

I would like to swear off heels, but I know that is a sin against the fashion gods. However, I am 6'1, last night, I was 6'5. I could have gone with flats, easy. I think that any new shoe expansion should be in flats only. I'm so glad I have fancy flip flops for the wedding, bedazzled Jesus cruisers is what I like to call them.

Well, life goes on and I must go to Target... Fuck, my feet are aching in pain just thinking about it.

27 Dresses

2011-06-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

No not the stupid movie.

I have bought about 7 dresses in the last... probably 6 weeks. Granted 2 of those I got from the clearance section at Old Navy for under $20. A dress is still a dress, on sale or not. I am not wearing the color block dress to the wedding anymore but this really San Diego-esque Se7en blue, green and white tie dye maxi dress. Its quite lovely. I say San Diego-esque because San Diego=hippies=tie dye. Easy equation. However, its a fashionably done tie dye.

Its panning out that A's sisters are all wearing maxi dresses as well. I can't believe the wedding is almost here, this Friday. That girl, well, I am glad she is getting married, her single stories are pretty good. However, I have now out dated her, yet I'm nowhere close to being married. She is also 2 years younger than me, which just validates my Old Maid-dom.

Oh well. Until the right man comes along, there will always be shopping. There will also be random text messages from guys I haven't spoken with for months.

The other night Penguin texted me, completely out of the blue. I figured that he must have just broken up with someone, I mean why else would he text me if he wasn't lonely? I find it interesting that if I did this he would most likely ignore me, as most men would, but when they do it, its not taken the same way, at least not by the unsuspecting female. Call me Sherlock motherfucking Holmes, cause I got his number.

I ended the conversation that night, then the next afternoon he texted me about seeing Super 8, ironically I had just left the theater from seeing that movie too. I accused him of stalking me, he said "No I was at the Clairemont theaters.... or was I?" I'm not as committed or enthusiastic to be his friend or his anything. I stopped initiating texts or phone calls with men a long time ago. Or, um, like 4 months ago, thats totally a long time ago.

Penguin is a total user. I've known this for awhile, but since I had a good time hanging out and talking with him I've let it slide, but lately, I find it harder to justify relationships with people that don't really stick in my life. If I'm being honest, I'm finding it quite difficult to figure out what I would get out of a real relationship.

I've tried to write about it, but it comes off as me just being selfish. However, what would be in it for me to have a boyfriend? I am completely independent. The "guarantee" of sex would be great, but other than that it would be feelings, emotional ups and downs and companionship. This isn't the 1960s anymore, and although the glass ceiling is still alive, women don't need the protection or status of a man. I believe this line of thinking is the batter for an Old Maid, or bitter harpy, I am not sure.

Or maybe I just finally died inside. I'll try to speculate on this line of thought at a later time.

No Escape

2011-06-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

During my conversation with CA yesterday, my phone ringing towards the decline of conversation put an end to talking. We went our ways and I had thought A called me. I was waiting to leave Whole Foods to call her and tell her everything, but I saw my missed call was from my boss.

God I hate him. I called him back and he informed me that tomorrow I had to do my normal work, but then drive to Seal Beach and pick up some bacteria samples from the environmental guys there, then drive to Monrovia to drop them off at the lab. Then drive back to San Diego to our other lab to drop off my normal sampling.

I was very angry. Its about 140 miles from San Diego to Seal Beach then to Monrovia. One way. I'm not a fucking courier. I had no choice so I did it. I've had to work at Seal Beach before, like once. However, to any people that read my blog regularly knows that Seal Beach has more significance to me now other than just a far drive while working.

I was looking at the run down base, the lonely deserted streets and dirt fields. A metal sided warehouse building here and there. This is where he works now. Driving through Huntington Beach, the reddish terra cotta and tan colored shopping centers, advertisements galore framing the freeway. This is where he lives now.

I wasn't sad about being there, I was just reminiscent. However, I would prefer that he not cross my mind at all.

What I just can't escape him? I knew I would not run into him today, most federal employees do not work weekends. However, it did not stop the hijacking of my thoughts. On the way back to San Diego I didn't think much of him. I was pretty busy cussing people out in traffic to concentrate on specific things.

Why is it that when people reflect back on certain friends or relationships, its the best times you remember? Instead of the shitty things they did or the hurt they caused you? Is it the human physique that wants to remember the good, not the bad. I'm sure it has something to do with hormones, I bet there is even a study on it.

Olay

2011-06-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

Today I went and watched Bridesmaids with A. It seemed like it would be somewhat of a chick flick, but I thought it was pretty fucking good. Better than Hangover II

However, I noticed Kristen Wiig's crows feet and wrinkles in general. I noticed the heavy makeup, and of course I was trying to figure out her eye makeup, because it looked fabulous. The crows feet and eyes scared me. She looks old. A quick google search says she is about 37, so I guess for her age she looks good, but fucking hell... Eye cream, big sunglasses, come on.

Maybe it is because she is so thin. More fat on the face keeps it smooth. Its likely more about skin type and genetics. I'm as thankful as you can be for oily skin, it will keep me looking young. That's science.

Aging somewhat worries me. If it is true, "You are never more beautiful than you are today", then I am wasting my good days. I've wasted my good days on assholes that never deserved me. I don't really know how to change that though, I talk to guys, look on dating sites, I screen pretty well. However, I'll waste more days going out with future assholes I've yet to meet, I'm sure.

I now know what it really means when people say that youth is wasted on the young.

With that being said, I feel like although I am still beautiful, and wrinkle free (yes!), maybe the best is yet to come. I felt more beautiful than ever when I was with a guy that adored me. Its been awhile, but even through my bitter haze I feel that eventually I may find that again.

Until then, I'll be slathering on some classic pink and black bottle Oil of Olay night cream like its my job.

Life-less

2011-06-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

I sent the semi-angry "fuck you" text to Chico. It said something along the lines of "your actions were cowardly, you should have been a man instead of a child" no cussing, nothing immature. He may be a child, but I am a grown up, and didn't feel like cussing him out was very mature for me. Even though I would have loved to call him something awful to his face. I love telling people off. Text telling off does nothing for me.

I've had this entire week off work. I wasn't planning on dating, or trying to date, or starting to talk to anyone, and I am disappointed that that fuck hijacked part of my mini vacation. Plus the getting blown off thing took a fucking shark bite of self esteem for a day or so.

Last night I was lying in bed waiting for sleep to come and I hated that I wasn't in school this semester. I feel useless. Its not even my doing, California cut summer school, just like they are cutting admissions to university. I like learning. How odd that sounds. If I'm not moving forward, it feels like I die. Part of me at least.

I've taken this summer and made a count down until my birthday. I have a few goals I want to accomplish before then, and as of now I have 110 days to do them. I'm doing well already, but I also haven't been working this week, so it will be interesting to see how I stand when I am working 40 hours.

6:30 P.M.

2011-06-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

Chico and I planned to go to sushi at 7PM. I hadn't heard from him very much all day, which is unusual. Actually, it started last night, I felt something fishy was going on, but I just figured he fell asleep. I should really trust my feelings, for some reason I am really good at deciphering when a man has lost interest.

So this morning I initiated text conversation, which I didn't want to do, but I was getting annoyed that he seemed to be playing games. Plus I figured if he didn't want to talk to me, then I wouldn't have to go out with him tonight. Which means, no straightening my hair, putting on makeup, all that jazz. I would just go to an evening yoga class.

Moi: "Getting ready? Your not going to ditch me are you?"

Note: I was stood up before and I told him about it, he then proceeded to tell me that he would never do that to anyone, and no one deserves that.

Chico: "Re:Hey, I'm having a emergency with my kid up here in Oceanside and I don't think I can make 7pm. Its bad. I'm sorry."
Moi: "Okay, do you just want to cancel altogether?"
Chico: "I'm still up here. At the hospital. I'll txt u"
Moi: "Lets just cancel for tonight. Call me later"
Chico: "I'm sorry. I had a real shitty day"
Moi: "I'm sorry to hear that. You don't have to call me if you don't want to, I know how those days are." (FUCK YOU)
Chico: "I do want to. I like talking to u. I'm sorry"

Whatever fuckface. WHATEVER! Fuck you, FUCK YOU!

He wasn't even going to call me! We were supposed to meet at 7 and I just had the feeling to text him to see if he was still coming and then he tells me there is some "big emergency" and he can't make it 30 minutes before the date, convenient you fucking douchebag. WHATTHEFUCKEVER BRO! I'm not a fucking idiot.

Also, I typed his text here exactly how he sent it to me and what the fuck is the "Re:" thing??? We have been texting all weekend, and that has never appeared on his texts, what did someone forward that as a reply for him to send me???? Because he didn't know how to cancel himself???

I cried. I don't care. Some guy that, yes I was feeling somewhat smothered by, which is my own weird thing, but I did sort of like, just stood me up, oh wait, I asked him if he was coming and he made up some excuse to say no.

I am completely ready. I spent time doing my makeup, straightening my hair, the cardigan I was going to wear is hanging up in front of my closet. Now, I am just sitting on my couch mad typing away.

I am keeping myself from firing off an email or text as of right now, but I am thinking about just writing up a draft to save to send tomorrow. I can't believe this shit.

PS- he doesn't have a kid, he does family therapy with foster children.

El Bueno Chico

2011-05-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

"The Good Guy"

Well, that is what its looking like right now. Started talking with a new guy last week. His nickname is "Chico" he is Mexican, it means "Guy" in Spanish, I'm not racist...

Anyway he is the good guy, the guy who at first replied to my emails in a timely fashion, writing about himself, answering my secretly concealed screening questions, asking me questions. Then asking me if I would have lunch with him sometime this week (since I am off work all week). Once we progressed in emailing, he asked for my number.

Phone conversation was good, it wasn't necessarily a choppy phone conversation, but it certainly did not sail as smoothly as my first conversation with The Firefighter did. But whatever, I am trying to not compare the 2. I'm kinda failing at that, but whatev's.

He also texts me, frequently. I'm already feeling smothered. You saw that coming right? Good guy, educated, responsible, funny, and has quite a few of my RFMNBF, and he is attentive to me, and now I'm like "BACK YOUR SHIT UP PSYCHO!"

I haven't said that, and I won't, I know I am the one being psycho. I didn't even plan on dating this summer, since school was canceled, I wanted to just work on me, working out, lots of yoga, lots of reading, and being boring, oh and maybe a little no-name sex on a Friday night... Just saying. I just don't feel like serious relationships start in summer.

We are going to sushi tomorrow night. Sushi is my new dating thing. It shouldn't be, because you are putting a huge piece of fish in your mouth, its like "Hey look how much I can fit in here!!" But I wanted something light and healthy, and as long as I don't order any crazy rolls, I will be good.

We'll see.

Favorites

2011-05-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like being the favorite. I was my grandfathers favorite, he used to buy me Barbies whenever I wanted, take me out for ice cream cones, and let me do whatever. I know I was my grandmothers favorite also. I'm not my mothers favorite, and that hasn't ever been important to me anyway. I think the favoritism I received from my grandparents was enough to not need it from others.

I have favorites. My favorite color, turquoise. My favorite food, Thai. My favorite band/music, CocoRosie.

OkCupid also has favorites. I find it disgusting. I dislike when someone adds me to their "favorites". I seriously think its so a guy can bookmark my profile so he can jerk off to my pictures later on. Especially when a guy adds me to his favorites at like 2AM. Oh it shows when someone visited your profile, the date and time.

What really gets my goat is when a guy adds me to his favorites and doesn't email me. Total spank bank. If I added someone to my favorites, which I don't use anyway, but hypothetically if I did, I would email them as well.

So some creeper added me to his favorites at the beginning of the week. I haven't been on OkCupid for at least a month now. Its just disappointing and a waste of time. I get email notifications of everything anyway. I got an email notification of the guy adding me to his favorites, I deleted it and went about whatever I was doing.

Last night I got an email from the same favorites guy and all he said was "Wink wink wink".

Creep.

Unavailable

2011-05-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Firefighters birthday. I did not know this until I logged onto Facebook that afternoon. After I cursed myself for not deleting him earlier, I sent him a private message.

Moi: "Hey Firefighter, just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! Hope all is working out for you in Seal Beach, have a great day today!"
Firefighter: "Thank you Danielle, I hope everything is going good for you too. Have a great day"

I was just being nice, and I got really mad at myself. Dude, who the fuck cares! I should have deleted him months ago. I tried to figure out why I was so mad about the whole thing, why I still get mad about it, and I thought to myself "I want him to want me, I want him to miss me" but I am not entitled to that.

I was talking to A about it today and she called it out. It was basically like the clouds parted and I saw the blue skies.

Moi: "I get really mad if I think about it, and I don't know why"
A: "Well you guys were spending a lot of time together, like sleepover time together, and he was a nice guy. It was a complete change from what you have experienced"
Moi: "Yeah, but its been like 5 months, and I know I am over him, its just like when I really think a lot about how it ended, I get mad, and then I snowball off into this 'guys are shit' rampage, then think "what would I ever get out of having a relationship, like what's in it for me" mentality, which I know is the wrong approach, I am in a bitter-single-girl-too-many-bad-dates-haze"
A: "I think what it was is that in the beginning, you were so unsure of him, he was so available, you told me you felt smothered, then you broke up him. Then there was "the chase" as you tried to get him back, which it wasn't bad that you realized he was a good guy and you made a mistake, you learned from it, he accepted your apology. Then you were back together. I think the crucial thing was when he told you he was leaving and you guys broke up. He became more appealing to you because he was leaving, he was unavailable, and you wanted him more than before. You wanted him to choose you over the job."
Moi: "Holy fucking crap your right. However, I didn't want him to choose me over the job. I wanted him to try long distance, at least consider it, and he didn't. He asked me to give him a day to think about it and I said okay, but I knew in his voice that he wasn't going to. It showed that even though he spent so much time and money on me, in the big picture I wasn't worth him TRYING, which is all I wanted. It especially made me mad because he didn't leave till March and there is a very good chance I will be going to school in Long Beach which is like 20 minutes from Seal Beach."

I understand we didn't date for that long, but in my world of only first dates what I had with the Firefighter was like a long term relationship. Its sad, I know. My dating life is pathetic and its all on this site to read.

The insight that A brought was like a light bulb went off, I almost want to smack myself in the face for not figuring it out sooner. He was unavailable in the end, I wanted him even more. Its the total cat mentality, he wanted to play and give me attention, I want nothing to do with you, but when you are tired and are not paying attention, I will pounce and claw the shit out of you.

Fakin

2011-05-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

You ever just feel fake?

I always try to keep it real, but for the sake of not being thought of as a lesbian, or butch or who knows what, I doll up. I don't really care for wearing makeup, its so fake. When I do its minimal because I don't like to cover my beautiful pale face with unnatural colors.

I wish I could always leave my house in flip flops, cut off capris and a V-Neck white tee. My hair pulled up into a giant messy chignon on top of my head. My oversized sunglasses and no color lip balm being my only face accessories. I could leave the house like this always, but alas I cannot.

I have a closet full of girly cute and classic stylish clothes. A dresser full of multi-color cardigans and a branch with dangling necklaces. I have a makeup box crammed full of makeup from Sephora... not cheap. A small hall closet full of shoes that were also not cheap. I have spent over a hundred dollars for my flat iron, and spent a good chunk of change buying gallon sizes of Bumble and Bumble shampoo & conditioner. For what? Hair that I always pull back??

Aye-yai-yai.

So now, I am about to go out shopping with A. I got ready, put on a decent casual outfit, a little makeup and am now sporting the Alexander Wang-made-famous messy side braid. I put on a necklace. I feel so fake. Even though I do like the braid. I just don't feel very legit.

I feel like that girl who doesn't really know how to look girly, but is trying, although it looks all wrong. I see ultra stylish chic girls all the time that pull off crazy cool looking stuff, and they look so legit. Maybe its just a confidence thing. Maybe I should get more tattoos and have those be my accessories... hmm. I think thats a brilliant idea, but not my point.

I don't walk the line of trendy. I go for classic pieces and shapes that I can always wear. I have my own style, and I used to be quite stylish, accessorized, heels to work everyday. The reason why I make myself dress up now is that my job is field sampling. I don't look pretty so I can avoid old creepy men hitting on me, I don't wear perfume so bees and other insects are not more attracted to my scent. My skin care regime for work is SPF 70.

On off days I want to comfortable, not sloppy looking. I think the uber casual deep V tee is very much a California thing, in fact the ladies leaving house au natural is very California hippie. Living in San Diego isn't helping my cause..

Ex-Factor

2011-05-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

There is a reason why I will delete ex's from my life. I pretend they no longer exist, and god forbid if I actually run into them in public. I seriously have no idea what I'd do. Especially certain ones, like LA Law, I would just pretend I didn't see him, however, my height makes it hard for me to be evasive, oh that and being fat. Hahaha. If it were Mr Big, I wouldn't care, I'd give him a smoldering eye look (as much as my eyes could smolder) and bite my lip, only because I would totally get busy with him again. No shame in my game yo.

I don't think I would ever run into Dan, but I would ignore him. I never see myself running into The Firefighter, being that he is working in Seal Beach now, however, my company does do work on that base, and although that base has a lot of land, it doesn't have many people on it. I am not the person that does work on that base though, so it doesn't matter right now.

The problem is online connections. Being friends with the Firefighter on Facebook isn't hard, he isn't active on his page much, whereas I look on Facebook every day (ok.. multiple times a day). I've never been "friends with an ex" not even on Facebook.

So when I see that he has gained more friends, that happen to be female... One of my eyebrows raises in suspicion, almost to my hairline, and my lips purse in distaste. My eyes narrow in disgust as I click on her name. These girls lived far away, in Florida and the other near San Francisco. So her Facebook says.

Yes, I'm quite the vision of jealousy. I don't give a shit if this makes me a psycho. The ideal thing would be to delete him so he would be completely out of my life. I just don't see a need to do that, besides there's a reason he is my facebook friend still. So when I post good looking pictures of myself he gets a fucking reminder of what he doesn't have.

That is stupid girl logic 101. I'm aware.

Chronic Bitch Face

2011-05-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

This is me.

from Krisatomic

Oh Shizz!!

2011-05-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking and thinking about the dresses for A's wedding. Today I went to buy the shoes I had pictured in my mind for the blue dress. If I bought the orange dress I didn't need new anything. I have the perfect black heels for it, or even better, black ruffle booties that I adore. However, since the wedding is short, and then we are going to Balboa Park and the Prado, I felt that the orange/cream/black was more of a fall piece. I will be keeping an eye on it to go on sale. Blue is more spring/summer.

I was still unsure of the blue dress, so I have been looking around online for dresses. I found a nice teal sundress at Old Navy that I really like. I have also had my eye on another cotton/jersey dress, but felt it was too much color for me. It was too "bang". I was telling A about it today and she said that I might as well go for the "bang" because her crazy little sister was going to "do it up" she has already proclaimed that she is going to be the "best looking bitch there". I know she will have the drama makeup and hair, and who knows what her dress will look like.

I tried the color block dress on. "Ooh red looks good on me" so I bought it, and the shoes, oh and a purple maxi lounge dress.

Then I got home, looked at the blue dress again and bought that with the tan skinny belt.

I'm outta control!!!

Tomorrow I am going to Old Navy to try on the sundress, I may just buy it, just for summer in general. I really like that it is long, 50' from shoulder to hem. While the color block is 42.5', and the blue dress is 45'. This is a big deal for me, being 6'1 and I like dresses that hit below my knee about 2 inches.

This is the color block dress, this is obviously not me. I wish my legs looked like that.

Check the shoes! This is my foot, I am generally not a fan of shoes that cover my tattoos, but they were so cute. Yes, I have huge feet. This tall girl=big bones=long feet :/ Oh well. I still manage to find awesome shoes, so glad wedges typically make your feet look smaller.

This is the Old Navy dress, I am pretty set on buying it, besides its like $24, plus 20% off. I also have the perfect yellow cardigan to go with it.

If I like the blue dress better or the sundress I will be returning the color block dress. However, I will purchase it again if it goes on clearance. I'm cheap like that. I spent waaaay too much money today, this is not in my "budget makeover". I have been so good about not shopping lately.

Oh well, its worth it. Beans for dinner all week. Hahaha

Crumbled

2011-05-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

So blogger was down for how long, yet my post thing is still missing widgets, or whatever, like the paragraph lines to center your post or what not. Those things. Ugh. Oh well, its free.

Anyway, man yesterday was a low day. After studying for however long, I felt like if biochem test 4 was an essay to explain metabolism, and how carbohydrates, proteins, and fats are metabolized I could do it, and do it well. I could explain it to friends with ease and they would understand, probably not care, but whatev.

Waiting for class to start, I reviewed some notes. Flex came in and sat next to me. The last 15 weeks he hasn't sat next to me, I thought it odd, and since I gave him my last test to study off of because he was taking that exam late, I also thought that was very stupid of him. However, flex looked good. I do not like muscular guys like that, I know I've mentioned that before, but the t-shirt was fitted just enough for me to enjoy the sight as he walked up next to my row.

The sight of him reminded me that I will have to start dating again, and soon. I let myself put dating to the side this semester, being as intense as it has been. I had to, but summer semester was canceled due to budget cuts, so now I will have to start up again.

Anyway, the test was ridiculously hard. It was mostly multiple choice, but it was all in correct terminology, and while I know how to explain it correctly, its more the layman's explanation, I know what's happening, in my own words. This test seemed more like "You should memorize this" instead of actually learning it. It really made me mad. It took me almost the entire period to complete the test, after I turned it in I was really upset.

If I completely bomb this test, I don't think there is any chance I would pass the class. I would have wasted countless hours studying, classtime, drivetime, walking through campus, not to mention money on tuition, or renting the book. I was barely holding it together as I walked back to my car, all the while "Your a fucking failure" chanting in my head. Which then made me think of all the shit I suck at, or that I haven't been successful in, the big part of that being my inability to hold a relationship, yay! Lets bring up a fucking sore spot when I'm already feeling down!

Its what I do. When something major crumbles in front of me, everything else falls. There is nothing left, and I know once the day ends, I will wake in the morning and things will be well. Overnight I would have started rebuilding my fragile structures, and this possible failure will not be in the forefront of my mind. I know my other structures are strong enough to support me through all my dark times.

Even if I do think sharp comments like "Maybe I should just drop out of school, go out to Santee or some other god awful place and find some loser to marry" Santee is like the White trash area of San Diego. No offense if you live there and your not white trash. However, the majority of people I have met from there are WT.

I'm still somewhat bleh about the whole thing, but today was so exhausting that I can't find the energy to care.

Good news though, True Blood season 4 has its first official trailer out. Its so delicious. I cannot wait! I'm not a fan of blonde headed men, but this hot piece of man meat is an exception.

Kill me.

2011-05-10T22:08:00.001-07:00

I can't wait for school to be over. Fuck school, fuck you school!!!! I "borrowed" someone's graded math homework last Thursday, then copied it over the weekend. I don't care anymore. Math is not my priority, I need a C, thats it. The system makes me take algebra, even though I only have to take stats for my major, and your algebra grade isn't factored into your GPA. So a C to pass is all thats required. Thats where I'm at right now. I don't even pay attention in lecture anymore.

I have like 6 more homework sections to go and if I can cheat through them I will. I cheat on my tests too, just like the honey badger, I don't give a shit. I cannot stand math.

Lets get to something important. Biochemistry. I want to fucking kill myself. Whenever I start thinking about that class I get so stressed that my throat starts to close. Its literally like I'm choking myself from the insides. My esophagus is like "I can't take this, I shall crush your windpipe girl and end this torture"

My ADD is raging so hard, today in class, the professor drew a micelle structure and this was my chain of thought:

"Hmm, fatty acid chains... lipid bilayer, flex told me he remembered the diagram because they look like sperm, typical, men are disgusting, my ex-best friend used to have a sperm key chain, she was such white trash, nice house in Salt Lake City though, I wonder how much they rented it for, I wonder if someone else owns it, I wish I could live there now, that house was huge, I wonder if I could put a garden in the backyard, I wonder since her room had a bathroom if the landlord considered it a studio, there was a full apartment in the basement, I can't believe it was a mansion it looked so small from the front, what the fuck are we talking about? Oh oxidative phosphorylation. I'm going to fail this test, fuck me, I should take my ADD meds, hmm, maybe tomorrow when I study, I wonder if crushing the meds and snorted them like coke works better than just ingesting them, I'll ask JS, I'm sure he knows, I don't like taking that medicine, its like I can feel my brain firing, what are we doing now..."

Thats just a few minutes in my brain, its usually worse. Ugh.

Pages

2011-05-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

I've pushed myself into my solitary life. Once I get home from work I don't leave my apartment. I'm not enrolled at any yoga studios right now, which is kind of killing my soul, but helping my bank account. I have no interest in dating. This has easily stemmed from the Thelma and Louise situation, not to mention that a mere 5 days after that pain started, I rekindled my arm pain from the car accident. I spent those weekend evenings sitting on my couch, crying until my pain meds kicked in. All last week I was in pain whenever I moved my arm, but life goes on.

Its finally corrected itself, well, with days of drug therapy, ice packs, and heat packs, during 90°F San Diego days no less. I think my love of ridiculously hot yoga got me through having heat applied to an already heated body.

Anyway, I've been going through my dating book "If I'm so Wonderful, Why am I Still Single" yes, I judge myself for buying a book with that title. There are a few exercises in the book, and I wanted to get around to finally writing about them. Since I have nothing else to write about, unless ya'll want to hear some Sookie Stackhouse book reviews, here it is.

The jist of this book is persistance, dedication, exposure, and knowing what you want. Don't waste time with guys who give excuses. At least that is what I have got to so far. Very much reiterating that "He's Just Not That Into You" principles. You can't try to date, your either in or out. Can you try and pick up a pencil? Yeah, you can just reach for it and not grab it... What's that going to accomplish? Nothing.

Makes sense. In experiment #1 she asks you to list every reason why you think your still single. I did that, and the other experiments, however the one experiment that I think is the most essential is experiment #6.

EXPERIMENT #6
1) On paper, describe your ideal mate. List all the qualities, talents, propensities you'd like him or her to have. "Brainstorm" with yourself. Take your time and include everything. There is no need to be "realistic" don't censor.
2) Now go back over your list and place either an "E" for essential, or a "D" for desirable nest to each item.
3) List all the "E" qualities on a separate page in the order of their importance to you.
4) Draw a line under the top 5 items on the "E" List.

This is my list, I couldn't find the original one I wrote, so I'm writing it again, on the net, it will be here forever!!

E-Honest
E-Good communicator
E-Down to earth/Genuine
E-Sense of Humor
E-Financially & Emotionally independent
E-Affectionate/intimate/enjoy sex/good lover
-----------------------
E-Loyal
E-Intelligent
E-Enjoys life
E-Non Smoker
E-Has self esteem
E-Must be able to compromise
E-No drugs
E-No alcohol abuse
E-Must want children
E-Patient
E-Hygienic
D-Beard
D-Doesn't wear Ed Hardy
D-Tall
D-Respectable
D-Polite/well mannered
D-Good job/like what he does (for the most part, gripes and venting are standard with any job and understandable)
D-Have friends
D-Thoughtful
D-Decent/Good relationship with family
D-Must live within 20 miles (if dating)
D-Must be willing to relocate if necessary (if engaged/married)
D-Motivated
D-Romantic
D-Not allergic to cats (Penelope's still got like 11 years left)
D-Mr Fix It

Top 6, and with of course, the most importantly that the guy be looking for a serious relationship, so before I even go down the list of what I want from a partner, he must want something serious. This is all I can really think of for now, I am probably missing something big, but whatever.

I don't even waste my time talking to guys who don't at least posses the top 4 or 5 of this list. Why would I? Its what I want from someone, and if they do not have it, pass. However, honesty and being a good communicator are something that is learned with time. Which is good that before my list even comes into play, he must be looking for something serious.

In the meantime I can check off the other "E's & D's" from the list. Its not like my list is "He must be tall, dark, and rich" tall is in there, however I am 6'1, I would like someone my height, I think that's only fair. My list is about good qualities that everyone should posses, however a lot of people don't.

Anyway, if you think I've missed anything let me know, I think everyone should have a list like this as to not waste time. I'll probably do more experiments from this book on the blog-o-log a bit later, once finals are over. Bleh.

Covers

2011-05-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Heard this Bon Iver "Skinny Love" cover on last nights episode of Vampire Diaries, I have some music research to be doing, this girl is awesome.

Readings

2011-05-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

Lack of sleep plus pain meds made me a very tired gal today. Being that tired makes me very quiet throughout the day. I was out sampling today and at my second to last location one of the operators (our clients) pulled up.

We have our "Clients", basically the chemists our manager communicates with on the daily, but everything comes down from the environmental security people, who are over the chemists. The chemists are supposed to communicate with the operators of the water system. The operators are the people I communicate with, more friendly loose interactions. Tennessee was an operator.

This guy is an operator. I believe him to be fairly new, at least hired within the last 2 years. I hadn't seen him around for that long. I have been with my company for 5 years. I know most of the operators, and almost everyone knows me.

I ran into this guy a week or so ago. At a reservoir that is pretty far away in some off road area. I parked next to his truck, and heard him somewhere, but couldn't see where he was. As I walked around the giant cylinder, I saw a boot come into view, so I announced myself, as to not scare the crap out of him. Instead he scarred the crap out of me.

He was shirtless. Sure it was like 85F, no clouds in the sky. Wearing loose fitted blue jeans and steel toed boots. Working on something manly, no doubt. He was crouched down working on whatever it was, and apologized for being shirtless, saying he was working on the roof initially, and its so hot up there. I just said "Oh, yeah, I bet", and tried not to widen my eyes or stare. After I left I thought nothing of it and went about my business.

I don't think of clients in that way. Besides, most of them seem to be horny old men who eye rape me and are also on the verge of heart attacks. So not-hot. While this guy is kind on the eyes, I never gave him much thought, until today.

Like I said, an operator showed up where I was today and as I obliging put my Sookie Stackhouse book down and get out to actually take the sample, it was the shirtless guy, but fully clothing this time, that strolls up to the back of my truck, talking to me about the chlorine levels, where I am sampling today, and whatever. I answer him in a soft monotone voice. Not because I am mad or irritated, but I am just so tired.

After some talk of the trade he stopped himself and said "I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother you" not said in a hey this is your job lady, kind of way, but a sincere, oh shit, sorry if I am asking you too much stuff, I am not trying to be a nuisance kind of way. It just seemed like he wanted to chit chat with someone. I told him he wasn't bothering me and shared my chlorine readings with him.

As I drove away, I thought about our conversation, and his comment of not trying to bother me.

Then I thought why would he care if he bothered me?

Then I thought of him shirtless.

I never saw him stand up, but I did see his arms reached out, saw the nice definition. Not cut, but muscular in a softly defined way, which is what I personally like. The guy is not a string bean, but not fat, he is broad, I guess is the term, and he is either hispanic or an islander.

As I have been thinking about it further, he has always gone out of his way to say hello to me. He knew me before I knew him, and I don't know if its because of my reputation, or what. Being that I am 1 of 2 females on this project, and I am the only one on the drinking water side.

I guess his reasons don't really matter, because I am glad to say that after what, 4 months now, I have myself a bonafide crush, a real one, not the one I tried to force on myself with flex. Its been quite some time. I'm sure I will enjoy reading into every word he says to me. I can only hope to run into him shirtless in another remote location. Its going to be a hot summer, so I can hope.

MAY 3

2011-05-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

FINALLY! I have been waiting for this day for almost a year! If only the UPS guy would fucking show up with my package. Maybe I should have just Kindled it. Dammit!

Today is the release day of Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris. So freaking excited! Its the 11th book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, that I looooove so much.

If you watch True Blood, Vampire Diaries, or read those horrid Twilight books, I think you would like these books a lot. The first book was a little hard for me to get through, but now this is easily my favorite fiction series.

I have been re-reading all the other books, in anticipation for the release of number 11. Its been an odd turn for me, instead of on my computer after work I come home, check email, blog, facebook, then close my macbook and start reading.

I kinda like it though. I miss fun reading.

A Sense of Normalcy

2011-04-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Things have pretty much settled down with Thelma & Louise, thankfully. My doctor still hasn't called me, which is really annoying, so I will be calling her office on Monday. Doctors can be so irritating, I mean as a patient who only comes in for routine checkups where nothing is wrong and I'm in general good health, you think someone could get back to you. If this were a class, I'd be a gold star student. Treat me like it! Jesus!

Anyway... Flex called me yesterday to brush up on test stuff and ask why I wasn't in class, I told him I had a doctors appointment. He asked "For what, being hot?" dude seriously. The kid can cheer me up, I'll give him that. Last weekend my phone was practically dripping with flirty charm from this guy.

I'm not sure if he thinks being a flirt is the way to get something out of me. I think it is though, however, I am also in the school of thought that everyone wants something from you. When we are walking from class, he speaks to me like any other friend. Its just over the phone where he gets mouthy. Oh well. I'll take it as a compliment and be sure not to get taken.

The Ovaries: Thelma & Louise.

2011-04-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

Monday, while at work I was driving around base to a sample point, thinking what I will make for dinner, and subsequently trying to make a mental list of groceries to pick up for this week after work when it hit me.

Thankfully not a car this time. However, it was a familiar stabbing pain. A familiar pain that I have experienced twice before, all within the last year. The pain and cramping was so severe I could barely stand up straight. I was still working, and out in the field, about an hour away frm the office.

Every little movement hurt. Every dip I drove over hurt. I can pinpoint the pain to my right pelvic area, and I have a suspicion it may be a cyst. Or was a cyst, before it exploded, maybe.

I broke out in some kind of fever for a short while, and sweated like crazy even with the A/C turned up all the way.

I went to the doctor Tuesday morning and she suspects it may be a cyst too.

So I just got back from the ultrasound place, it was way cool seeing my insides. I love weird shit like that though.

The jist is that I had a cyst rupture on my left ovary. Weird, because all the pain was in my middle and right side, going up my lower back on the right. He checked out my kidney to be sure, which I thought was super interesting.

The left ovary also had 3 or so follicle cysts, which are normal. The ruptured cyst looked kinda big though. My left ovary is also not in its anatomical position. Its behind/below my uterus which is weird. I don't know what that means yet, so I am waiting to hear back from my doctor.

At least one ovary is maintaining good behavior. I'm worried about this escalating to something worse, like losing an ovary, fertility problems/infertility or cancer. I want to have children, and if I lose that ability I don't know what I'd do. Adoption is so expensive and difficult. Maybe I would just go to india and buy a female child, shit they give them away there. Sad yet true.

I am a planner, a worse case scenario kind of gal, so I think ahead about these things. I don't really have anything to obsess over about it, since I don't know how this will affect anything.

...So I will go and make some cookies. Or some cupcakes. Whatever, I'll be baking.

Dating Karma?

2011-04-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

Karma is difficult for me to believe in. I don't do good expecting it to be brought back to me later on. I just try to be a good person in my everyday life, because its how I would like to be treated if the situation was reversed. The traditional Golden Rule theory.

I thought I went through my bad dating Karma all last year. Bad date after bad date, the wrong guy, the game playing, the blow offs, then I had 2 great dates at the end of the year. Since North Park guy and the Firefighter, I have been on 3 dates, all of them losers.

One date I didn't talk about. I told the tales of Ginger and Cruz, but the other guy... It was bad.

We met at a coffee shop. His pictures were misleading, and he was not at all attractive. He asked me out, yet, didn't even offer to buy me a cup of tea. I thought about leaving at that time. Or escaping somehow, my eyes trying to send S.O.S. signs to the fabulous gay man working the coffee bar: Please save me.

Wearing a Pixies concert t-shirt and old jeans, he resembled a rat. A balding rat. Not only that but entirely full of himself, talking only about his life, and obscure indie bands that maybe only too cool hipsters would know about. Of course he hated everything mainstream, San Diego radio stations, shopping malls, and any prime time TV show. Its cool to be against the grain, I guess.

I got a chai latte, he ordered some kind of mocha and a piece of cheesecake for himself. As he ate between telling me all about him, I became disgusted. Not only because he was eating while I was not, classic manners 101, he also proceeded to get cheesecake all over his face. Initially, it was on his finger, then he rubbed his nose, then his eyebrow. It was also on the side of his mouth.

I tried not to look, or focus on his cheesecake face. I focused on when I could leave. I need to get better at ending dates. He wanted to walk around Hillcrest, we took a 2 block walk. Then we headed back to my car. I mentioned I needed to leave because I had movie plans to see Black Swan with JS. I didn't, but you know, escape plan.

Then he gave me the hipster rave review of Black Swan. Gag me. Then he advised me that if my friend wasn't available, then he would loooove to go. When we got to my car, he went for the hug, asked if we could hang out again sometime, I said "sure" and then I skidaddled.

That "sure" meant, not a chance in hell, I was just being nice. I missed his 4 or 5 calls in the next week or two, same with his text messages. Everyone does the fade away, or has done it at least once.

Was me not being honest and telling him that I wasn't interested a big check in the bad date karma column? Since the Ginger, I haven't been on any dates, hell, I haven't even found anyone that I am the least bit interested in dating. I have exchanged an email here and there, but nothing.

JS asked me this morning if I had any new dating stories. I didn't. I almost felt guilty because of it. Not that I am obligated to date just to retell stories and amuse him, I want a relationship but I can't find any prospects.

So could it just be my karma? My dating karma? Do I have to go through another bad year of first dates before I get another goodie?

Maybe my current search for a new apartment is overtaking my man search...

The Sea of Cellulite

2011-04-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

A called in sick today, so we planned a day of working out, relaxing and of course getting breakfast at someplace nummy. We were going to to go this Aqua Cardio class at the Y that sounded pretty bad ass, the only suck factor was that it was at 840AM.

Sounds like plenty of time, however, I hate waking up early and I required a lot of sleep last night for some reason, maybe because I had blood drawn again that morning. Not sure. BTW my doctors appointment was fine, my cholesterol levels are better than perfect, still amazing, its just that I am very anemic. Your lab reports will say "High" or "Low" and on one of my iron tests it says "ALERT". No bueno. Oh well, more iron pills.

Maybe I am just catching up on all the sleep I lose because of school. My doctor told me I shouldn't do Insanity or P90X because it is a lot of plyometrics and its hard on the knees. He specifically told me that "I've seen more bad than good, especially with Insanity" so I am going to do something else. He suggested cycling or swimming. I love to swim.

Anyways... I was late getting to the Y, so we took this aqua cardio strength class instead. I don't like being in a bathing suit. I have girl board shorts, but they were kinda tight. I bought them 2 summers ago, they fit, but snugly. I am very body conscious, at least while wearing a bathing suit. Then I looked around. The YMCA is full of old people. There are a few young people, but mostly older. Especially during the day.

A and I went to the pool area and it was full of grandmas and grandpas. The water was fantastically warm, and I hope that it wasn't because a bunch of older people peed in it... just had that thought now. The class wasn't hard, but it was fun, and somewhat embarassing that we were the youngest people there and the lady teaching was playing music from the 20's or something. You think I am exaggerating, I am not.

It was a sea of older people, who were fat and happy. Most importantly, they didn't give a shit about being in bathing suit where you can see their cellulite thighs, or walking around the locker room neked, I might add. I guess when you get older you just stop caring about what other people think of you.

Its not like I judged them, I kinda tried to take it as a lesson. No one really cares what I'm doing, I am here to work out, if you want to judge me in my bathing suit that may be a personal problem, your personal problem.

SHE DOES!

2011-04-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

A's wedding is in 8 weeks.

They decided to elope (thank god). I am maid of honor and the conversations about wedding cake toppers, invitations and other teeny things made me:

1) Feel bad about myself for being single

2) Make me want to kill A

3) Then kill myself.

Besides her constant nagging about whether I was going to bring a date, when the original wedding was planned for March 2012 was quite annoying.

Now its a courthouse ceremony with a fancy dinner afterwards for close family and a few friends. No maid of honor crap needed! Fabulous.

However, its bootcamp time. A's house is in Bootcamp mode, I have been in bootcamp mode, 8 weeks till the day. A already has her wedding dress:

I am debating on 2 different dresses right now from ASOS.

I'll probably buy both of them, they are so cute I just can't pick just one...

The blue would probably look best on me, but I do adore the pleating on the orange one. Decisions decisions.

We're Gonna Party Like Its Your Birthday

2011-04-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to A's dads house (where she lives) its was a combined birthday party for her sister, her dad and her grandmother. It was pretty fun, my old roommate and his wife were there. A's stepmom made delicious food and then the best part: Costco cake.

I love Costco cake. Its the real deal. Its the perfect sugary frosting. I judge cakes very harshly on frosting. I especially hate whipped cream frosting. Its fucking disgusting! If your going to be "bad" at least do it right! I only get to indulge in my Costco cake admiration when birthdays come around, and it has to be big parties, I mean, why else get the Costco sized cake? This means I only have it about twice a year, which is enough.

I like A's family because they have accepted me into their holidays and birthdays celebrations. Her grandmother is now 90, and she has always been very kind to me. Yesterday she was telling people who I am, and saying "isn't she lovely? She's A's best friend" and to come sit next to her. Grandma was a little drunk. One too many margarita's.

Later in the afternoon when everyone was starting to trickle inside we were sitting in armchairs next to each other and she started the "Single" conversation.

G-Ma: "You are so lovely, do you live alone?"

Moi: "Yes"

G-Ma: "Oh, not with your boyfriend? Your so pretty, you shouldn't live alone"

Moi: "I don't have a boyfriend. We broke up a couple months ago"

G-Ma: "Oh no! Do you still talk to him?"

Moi: "No, he moved"

G-Ma: "Oh, well your so pretty you can find someone better than that"

I got the single girl third degree by someone not even in my family. Awesome. However, she is 90, so I have to comply. Besides, she is adorable, I didn't really mind. All in all, pretty good Saturday afternoon/evening, I would have just been at home, doing dishes.

On a side note: I'm watching Batman Forever right now, Anne Hathaway will never fill the stiletto's of Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman role. Hathaway is still too girl next door sweetheart, too Princess Diaries. I like Hathaway, she just doesn't have that villainess in her. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Burned

2011-04-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

I had to sample sites I have never sampled before today. So my boss decided to let a lady that no one likes, and is a fucking idiot, and now does QC checks on us, to go with me to "help" me. That lazy bitch barely lifted a finger to stir a jug of water for me, then took a pH reading.

I only had to sample at 3 sites, 2 of them I had never sampled at. She proceeded to tell me how to do things "by the book". By the book workers are workers that actually don't know how to be in the field. They don't leave room for error, or field conditions. They are also fucking retarded, and were probably put on some desk job because they fucked up somehow and now cannot be trusted. She is one of those workers.

At the last site, she didn't even get out of the car to help me. I think thats what really sent me over the edge today. That and I got somewhat sunburned from the last site, my SPF 30 must have worn out while I listened to hear gab about "by the book" nonsense. I wanted to tell her off. I almost did. I have more field experience than her, especially with sampling.

I threw a fit. I don't care. She is not my superior. I was not going to listen to her garbage anymore. I stormed off saying that this was bullshit and I am not going to be out here all day. After I was done sampling by myself I went to the main office to clean disgusting waste water off me. When I got back to the car she was finishing up a personal phone conversation.

Lady I hate: "That was Tennessee, he is going to Afghanistan with his contracting company"

Moi: "Oh, tell him I said hello next time you talk to him" (isn't this the nice thing you say?)

Lady I hate: rudely "Your friends with him?"

Moi: "Umm, yeah, we are homies"

I didn't add that he was pretty much in love with me, or that we are total gangstas. I only wrote once about Tennessee, even though there were many interactions with him. He quit sometime last year, and I guess now works for an independent Environmental company, he is doing some kind of water monitoring out there.

She said that he is leaving tonight or tomorrow morning. I just shrugged it off. Then 30 minutes later she asked me again:

"Your really used to talk with him?"

Moi: "Yeah, I mean, I haven't talked to him since he quit, but yeah we are cool"

Lady I hate: "I''ll text him and tell him you said hello"

After like 10 minutes she had composed a text message saying that "I'm working with Danielle at CPEN today, she says Hello" I'm not kidding, it took 10 minutes.

"Tell her crazy ass I said hey" was his reply.

I miss working with him. I hadn't really given it much thought until he was mentioned. He used to text my old work phone, but then we got rid of work phones and he doesn't have my personal number. Sucks. Oh well, he is still friends with some of the guys that still work with me, I should ask about him.

Tennessee had a charm that I haven't seen with other men, and he was really kind too. Not like he is my future obsession or anything, I just think he is a nice person. Besides, I'm a sucker for a charming southern accent. Living in California, land of the Valley Girl/Surfer Dude accent gets very dull.

Once I got back to my lab, I told my boss about never wanting to work with that lady again and I mentioned why and said it was complete bullshit and she better not talk to me ever again. Yes, this is how I speak to my boss. No, I am not even close to being fired.

I took the most amazing shower when I got home. Some showers are just better than others. Especially ones when you had to work out in the sun, with bugs all over, and sampling shit water, literal sewer water. I laid around in my bath towel for awhile, feeling ever so clean and cooled off, and then my cousin, Cocoricho called me.

She's pregnant with her third child. Just what she wanted. Her husband didn't want anymore kids. He is happy now thats its said and done, besides it was unexpected. I listen to her complain about her marriage about once every couple of weeks. Its true that people have no need to "vent" when they are happy, but the problems she constantly has are big ones.

I'm happy for her regardless of her marital problems. However, seeing her family grow reminds me how I am not, and all I have right now is a sunburn.... and a stupid soulless cat.

Withholding Dance

2011-04-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

I called my doctor last week to get a lipid panel done. Mostly because I have been meaning to do it, just to see where I am, but also because my Nutrition professor made it a 20 pt extra credit assignment. Boo-ya. Something I have no issues with, and was going to do anyway, and now I get extra credit. Done and done.

I went on Tuesday to have blood drawn, the results take about 3 days, so I figured I would hear back today. I missed the call from the nurse, I left my phone on silent after class, I always forget. So I called my doctors office back and now they want me to come in to discuss the results. Fuck that garbage.

I just had a work physical, with a blood test, in September and it gave me my total cholesterol and triglycerides and I know its not any result from my cholesterol, and my triglycerides are barely over the limit (BC pill side effect: high triglycerides). They threw in an iron test too, I know thats what he is going to talk to me about, my Iron levels are always low.

Its that, and I think they want me to come in just for insurance reasons. So I can pay a co-pay or something, I am 99% sure that is the reason. My cholesterol levels are so low that one of my doctors was "Amazed", that is the word she used. This doctor also proceeded to gab about it with a nurse, I happen to know this because I bumped into that nurse on the San Diego -> Coronado ferry on a day that I rode my bike to work.

I'm just irritated that I have to pay a co-pay for my results. I'm also now stressed that it is something more serious. I'm pretty sure it isn't, or they would make me come in immediately. Not on Tuesday of next week. Dammit, all of this hassle for extra credit!! This extra credit assignment is costing me $15! I'm going to include that in my summary report, she better give me all 20 points.

Shakin'

2011-04-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe its just me, but I keep feeling teeny tiny earthquakes. I'm just on my laptop, on my couch and I feel these little rumblings. Nothing to be concerned about, but I wonder, is it just me? There are earthquakes going on all the time here, but you rarely feel them. The last "big" quake we had was last years Easter Sunday, it was the first quake I've really been in since I moved back to California.

Anyway, lots of things change in a year, one of my personal successes, a green thumb. I used to kill plants with ease. Now I have quite a nice container garden going, as well as some kitchen herbs and red chard growing in my kitchen. Oh and some ginger, which is pretty dope, and all it takes is a stub of ginger that you can buy at the store, put in some soil and keep it watered. After 30 days it should start to show signs of new rootage.

I'm going to be in heavy tomato production come summertime. Heirlooms, 3 different varieties. I'll be canning some tomato sauce for sure.

Golden beets, I love the roots. I'm growing purple beets too, but didn't get a photo.

The first Eggplant blossom of the season. I have 2 pots of these mama's, so I am hoping for lots of eggplants.

Part of my "Staycation" next week will be organizing my kitchen windowsill garden, merging in 2-3 basil plants. Also planting some squash in containers and organizing my small porch. I wish I had a yard.

Tomorrow I have 2 tests, I have been studying for the better part of the evening for Biochem, and I will do math tomorrow, after my biochem exam, which takes precedence. I'm too busy this week. I also need to make bread out of some old bananas, jam with some strawberries and pineapple in my kitchen, and do dishes. Instead I am blogging.

I hate wasting fruit. Especially when I have a recipe for coconut banana crumble cake that I want to try. Ugh, I feel like some kind of domestic housewife, minus the husband. I better go out and make some bad decision with the wrong guy, stat!

It Got Brought!

2011-04-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day at Bikram Yoga KM. Unfortunately, I did not make my 30 day goal, I don't even have a count on how many days I went. Whatever, I suck at goals and commitment. Its apparent in my dating history as well.

Anyway, the instructor I had was so awesome! Its nice that my last day was with a good instructor, but I wish he was there the whole time. Today was his first day back from vacation. My camel pose is kicking serious ass, I have gone beyond my pre-accident personal best, which I am super happy about. My dancers pose is also getting more and more stable, and higher.

<-Camel

Dancers ->

The instructor told us about his vacation in Yucatan, Mexico, which sounded fucking amazing! It was no electricity, no phones, no internet. Water was solar heated, salt water showers, fresh fruit, and he was saying there was local swimming holes/ponds with beautiful crystal blue waters.

The ocean was smooth, not all waves like it is here and I'm sure there wasn't any hypodermic needles to be found on the sand... yes, its happened, mostly in Imperial Beach though, which is right next to Tijuana, thats self explanatory.

That sounds so freaking amazing. I need a vacation so bad. I think the last vacation I went on was when I went to Europe in December 2007/January 2008. Wow, that's pathetic. Next week is spring break, and I took Wednesday off. I already have Tuesday and Thursday off, and Friday is my RDO (Rotating day off) so I have to work Monday and then I am off till Saturday.

I believe they call it a "Staycation" I can't really afford to go anywhere fancy, well, I just don't want to spend money. San Diego has all kinds of great places I haven't been to yet, some I haven't spent enough time in, so I can easily find fun and relaxing things to do. Besides the projects to work on, I already plan on making some jam, spending some time with my cousin and her kids and then who knows.

I love...

2011-04-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today I love...

My new cell phone! Yay! I had to get a new phone around this time last year, I was holding out for the Evo, which came out in June 2010, but the phone I had got some serious water/steam damage and starting going bezerk. I ended up with a pixi and have disliked it since I got it. Now I have an EVO 4G and its the fucking bee's knees!

I'm still learning how to use it, but I'm pretty happy with my decision. Besides, the camera on this thing already beats my normal digital camera. Which was a big factor in buying it.

My new project. A vintage dresser with a cabinet. I got it for $50 off Craigslist. So far I have spent $24 in revamp stuff; vintage handles off eBay, and this lovely knob from Anthropologie. All I need is some primer and paint, I've got it narrowed down to 8 colors :/

Ke$ha - Cannibal. While I do my best to avoid shitty pop music in general, I do enjoy shaking it when cleaning my house or whatever I may be doing. Ke$ha is kinda annoying, but I find myself getting hyped up to work out or move when I put this album on. Besides "I eat boys up, you better run" sure, I'll take it. I would like to be thought of as a heartbreaker/man eater, instead of the other way around. Which works into the next love...

Shawn T's Insanity. "I thought you were doing P90X?" nah F that. P90X is good if your trying to lose some weight and sculpt up. I'm not trying to sculpt. I may still do some P90X videos, but Insanity is pure cardio, and insane shit. Plus I don't have weights and I am being a cheap ass lately. I did the fit test today and thought my heart was going to explode. I think this will be fun. I'll put on Ke$ha when working it.

End of Bikram Yoga KM. Yeah, I love doing Bikram, but I just don't like that studio anymore. My month is up tomorrow. The instructors SUCK. They just don't seem into teaching at all. If I'm going to bring it for 90 minutes, you better bring it too. Plus this little 4 foot midget bitch really made me mad, so I refuse to go to her class. And the studio is too far, I'm over Kearny Mesa. Old Town is closer, and there instructors seem to be into it and tough as shit. Bring it.

The New Dress. I bought a dress at Old Navy today, just some cheapy dress, good for spring/summer. Its only a big deal because I never wear dresses. Well, besides the dress I wore at my Nana's funeral. Its very comfy, I need to buy some capri leggings, but then it'll be perfect for whatever. Besides, it was 50% off clearance price. Like $8, hell yes.

I Love Phillip Morris. Hilarious movie, Jim Carrey is so great, I seriously gained some new laugh lines in the movie, I better moisturize up tonight.

Sleeping Alone

2011-04-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

I had a severe moment of weakness last night. I was up late, perusing the interweb, and the constant nagging thought lately has been "He is leaving, this is his last week here". I don't know why, I have known he is leaving for a few weeks now, and I haven't cared or given it a second thought.

Maybe the date was just etched on my subconscious. Because the last few nights have been tough. When I'm getting ready for bed, my sadness is palpable. I think of bargains I would make to still have him in my life. To have him sleeping next to me.

Then I start to wonder if I will meet another man that will gently comfort me in the middle of the night when he thinks I'm having a nightmare, and will I respond to it like I did with him? Just soft touches, not waking me up, just soothing. Will I find a man that will grab onto my hand when I turn away from him as I fall asleep, just because he wants to still be touching?

The weakness came because I was going to email him to tell him congratulations on getting the job, then something about enjoying Seal Beach, blah blah. I was going to be nice. I was also going to tell him that I enjoyed the time I spent with him and he was a great guy.

It was seriously like I was intoxicated. I felt like I was drunk without drinking. I'm a nice person, but fuck, I'm not that nice. I just wanted to contact him. Its the truth. I miss the idea of him, I miss his personality, but I can barely picture him in my mind anymore.

This was just a weird breakup for me to wrap my head around. Neither of us were in the wrong, there wasn't some epic fight. Its nothing I've ever experienced before, I would like to think that is why its been tougher for me to deal with. That could be part of it, but I know its not all of it.

The compulsion to contact him is still here. But the energy to act upon it is fleeting. Now if I hadn't deleted his number, this could be a totally different post. Whew, so glad I did.

Flip the Switch

2011-04-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

I started this week pretty depressed. But now, I have the rest of the week off, fuck that sad shit! I wrote about it yesterday night, but it was so bleh I had to delete it.

Anyway, I started P90X today, and I am just hoping I stick with it. I have an "accountability" partner, shout out to Maura for idea. Usually I would have A be that person, but she is easily corruptible and has no willpower unless its forced upon her. I'm not trying to be mean, its just the truth.

I made friends with a girl in my math class at the beginning of the semester, I will refer to her as "The Whiz" she is better at math than me. I also cheat off her during tests, she doesn't know that, but come on, algebra is pretty useless to me. Who cares. Anyway, she started it on Tuesday as a supplement to running, I told her I would do it with her since I have the videos anyway, so we decided we would text each other what we do that day and of course chat about it in class. I'm kinda excited.

I was not into doing it today too, but put my sports bra on and got down. Its not bad, but its day 1. My inner thighs already hurt.

I made a Video Blog for it, I want to video it at least every week, I think it would be fun. Plus, I have a Mac and I don't use all the features on it. I even added a song on it. I'm so fancy! I am just saving them on my computer, maybe I will upload them to YouTube one day. Mostly its just to see how I change. Pictures are good, but I think seeing myself in video is better.

Found

2011-04-05T10:33:00.001-07:00

I am relying on simple joys to keep me happy nowadays. Baking being one of my calming activities, I changed it up a bit and found an old Hello Kitty cookie cutter set that has never been used, I stored it away in a drawer when I moved in.

I made delicious biscuits this morning. They turned out pretty good, but I am no southern cook (I wish!). I need to find the perfect biscuit recipe, then I can turn out to die for Hello Kitty biscuits of extreme cuteness.

3/31/33

2011-03-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today is my late grandmothers birthday. All I have really been thinking about the last week is the lovely crocheted blankets she used to make. I really want one, but I think that they will go to my Aunts. Maybe one will be given to my mom and then she will leave it to me.

I was listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about how all women eventually turn into their mother. I will never turn into my mother. I will turn into my grandmother. There are some traits I picked up from my mom, but we are not close. My grandmother was my favorite person in the world. And I spent a lot of my time with her and my grandfather when I was young, since my mom worked full time.

Its mostly simple things, words and phrases I say, that now when I think about my speech I see similarities. My grandmother was a bad-ass, grew up in some shitty conditions with streaks of bad luck, but she did the damn thing and ended up with a nice life. I've inherited her determination and work ethic, I can say that for sure.

A goal of mine this year was to learn how to knit. I can kind of crochet, but I gave it up. Since crocheting was my grandmothers forte, I am now determined to make a hexagonal crocheted blanket for my living room. I am super excited about it already, I looked up a few blogs and found a blogger that I really like, and she has very clear how-to directions.

Until I get my hands on the O.G. Nana Vintage crochet blanket, this will suffice and I know I will always think of her when I see it. Tomorrow I will head to Michael's to find some yarn and a crochet needle.

I may still try to knit, but I have a feeling this blanket will take a lot of time. We'll see.