Emotional Labor

This article was sent to me from Miles' sister.  It's been circulating a bit on Facebook, and honestly, it's nothing new.  Women provide more emotional labor than men in relationships, shocking.  Just last night Miles complained about his bathtub leaking and how he is "tired" of it.

I told him to watch a damn YouTube video and fix it.  He replaced some of the components himself a couple months ago, and that worked, for a time.  It's a fucking leak!!  It's so easy to fix, I'm sure I could watch some YouTube videos and figure it out myself, but fuck that!  I don't have time.  I just wrote a fucking 5 page paper, still have a bunch of calculations to do for my other class, and 2 tests to take.  Not to mention having to start another paper this week, and still work 40 hours, cook dinner, and do 90% of the fucking dishes.  Let's not forget making time to play with the cats and tend to my plants.

Literally all Miles does on his days off is play video games for hours on end.  Or reads.  Then he will pick a time when I'm involved in something and ask me to help clean the house.  The answer is no.  Do it yourself.  Oh, you fucking dusted and vacuumed the floors, bravo.  Mr Clean should be jealous.

The things is, this is the same complaint I hear from many women.  I think Miles' sister is quite fed up with her husband because he has no drive.  During Christmas we were all walking on the beach and mingling conversations with different people.  Her and I walked together for a while and she told me that he is like a Peter Pan, still living like a lost boy, but in his 40's.  I was SHOCKED. 

First, he doesn't look that old, but secondly, he does not behave like you would expect someone in his 40's to behave.  Don't get me wrong, he is a very nice guy and I do think they are a good match, but he works a part time art program where he makes just a bit more than minimum wage in San Francisco.  San Francisco.  One of the most expensive cities.

The worst part now is that she is unemployed, and searching for jobs and interviewing a lot, but he doesn't feel the need to do better.  I feel bad for her, she wants to leave SF, but he doesn't want to.  It's a shit situation for sure.

I'm sick of taking care of things.  Or being expected to 'be there' for Miles.  Like when he was getting an outpatient medical thing done, he was adding it to the calendar and was like "I made the appointment for 830 so you don't have to get up early" early for what?  I'm not doing anything.  He expected me to drive him there and pick him up.  I even said "early for what?"

M: "Oh my procedure"
Moi: "Sooooo, are you going to ask if I can take you and pick up? That would be the polite thing"
M: rolls eyes "Okay, can you take me and pick me up?"

I should have said "No, I'm busy, sorry".  I never expect Miles to be there, I always ask him.  Hells bells, when I had knee surgery I didn't even hear from him that day until I texted him.  THAT'S WHEN I SHOULD HAVE ENDED THINGS Y'ALL.  Right then was the perfect time.  However, important life lessons have been learned.

The work I will have to see from another man for me to date him...  I am not pressed at all for a partner at this point.  Maybe that will change in the future, but I don't see how I can learn to give a fuck about that again.  Someone can say that I've shut down, or closed off and that's fine.  I don't want to deal with bullshit.  I don't want another JOB to come home to.  If that's closing off, I frankly don't give a fuck.  Unless someone is going to work together like a team, I'm not recruiting.

You know what I think about a lot?  And I really wish I didn't, there was an anonymous comment on a post when Miles and I decided to do long distance that said

"I hope you don't regret this.  I did long distance and moved states for a guy after we'd dated for 5 months and said the L word.  Once I arrived it was clear how stifled he felt by my presence, because he'd never lived away from home before and I was a reminder of that former life."

I don't necessarily think that me moving here killed the relationship, and Miles was very honest with communicating how happy he was that I was living here.  And we lasted what, a year and half out here, longer?  I don't know.  The relationship we had in San Diego, was not the same one I experienced in San Antonio.  Something changed, and yes, I think part of it was being on his own and working in his career field, finally.  However, I don't think our relationship should have ever been long distance, or left San Diego, and maybe it never did.  Not that it's still there, but whatever relationship we had that I was willing to move for, existed there, in that time only. 

It should have just been one of those brief loves that have to end because of circumstance, and maybe we email occasionally, and we have fond thoughts of each other.  Do I regret moving here?  My anger says yes, but when I really look at the situation, I'm in a different place in my life, and there are pros and cons.  I'm glad I don't work for a company that actively discriminates against me any more.  That's a big pro.  But I do miss the money I made then, versus now.  I'm glad that now I have a real path made for what I would like to do in my career.  I also love working from home. 

I'm also very thankful for having Waffles and Miso in my life, they are the highlight of my days lately.  If I never came to Texas, they would have gone to someone else, or to no one at all... Kill shelters out here y'all.   

Anyway, I can play the what if game all day.  Fact is, I made a choice, and it didn't pan out, and now I have a bunch more choices ahead.  What else can I say about it?  That's life.