A Girl Is No One

Is there a new Instagram yet?  Holy moly I am so sick of seeing the same goddamn posts from 3-5 days ago.  Every time I login, it shows me the same shit.  I used to like Instagram, it was my fun social media.  Twitter is mostly news and anxiety attacks about politics, and current events, Facebook, boo.  I try not to login.

What really is annoying on IG is when someone posts multiple pictures and you don't swipe through them and then the next time you login, it shows you the next photo in the serious, same "post". I didn't want to swipe in the first fucking place, why are you showing me this again?

Ugh, I should just go through and unfollow a bunch of pages I guess.  I don't know.

Anyways, good news, Miles has started applying for jobs.  Of course he is going back to San Diego, I feel like that city is his security blanket.  I feel multiple things about him moving.

One, relief -- this is something I bitch about constantly in my head, and also my Twitter.  It is BEYOND annoying to live with your ex, a person that at this point post break up, I should be over it all (or most of it), living my best life, and possibly dating again.  Now, I don't feel like I'm not over him, but it's very easy to be having a nice evening and start to think about why we broke up, and then you just kind of start to roll with shit from there.  When I say nice evening, I mean platonic nice evening.  We haven't been affectionate since the breakup.

Second, anxiety -- We have only spoken briefly about what to do with the house, now that I will be staying in Texas for another couple of years, we will keep the house in both our names and then sell in 2-3 years.  The realtor and I have been emailing, and she has said multiple times that I should refinance in my name only.  While I do think that is probably the best idea, I do think that short changes Miles.  We have both invested money into this house.  Kitchen floor redone, new dishwasher and over the range microwave, we converted our large sliding glass door that leads to the sunroom into sliding french doors, removing cabinetry from bedrooms, new blinds for all the windows, plus some work outside and other small things.

I also think that it is really nice to have a second owner in case shit breaks, I am not on the hook for everything.  However, this done mean that the tie between us is still there, instead of a clean break.  I know that Miles wants to stay invested in the property, as Texas, and the San Antonio/Austin area is a booming market.

With my current shit salary, I could afford to live here solo, but it would mean that I couldn't save or pay off my debt like how I am now.  Which means I would have to get a roommate, which fucking sucks, but I have to tell myself that it may not be so terrible in the long run.

Third, Disappointment -- I wanted this relationship to work, I really thought it would.  Once we broke up, I only once for reals thought we would get back together.  It was a couple days after the break up and it finally hit Miles.  I thought, maybe he realized what he has lost now, but I truly do not think he will realize that until he is on his own.  And when I really ask myself if I would have taken him back, I will say the same thing I told my best friend "it would take a complete change, plus a huge diamond ring for me to even consider taking him back" so the answer was always no.  Sometimes I miss our relationship, but what is there to miss?  Feeling so fucking alone?  Yeah right.  I wrote this in my journal a couple months ago:

If you are ever feeling nostalgic about your relationship, and wish you and Miles were back together, remember how you felt when you were on that couch in therapy.  The therapist asked what drew you to each other, and Miles sat there, for 3-4 minutes silently thinking, and all he came back with was "she's a really sweet person"

I feel disappointed because I changed my entire life for a future with a person who, frankly, didn't really give a shit that I changed my life for our relationship.  He didn't give a fuck, he was lonely in a new city.  And there were red flags, and I ignored them because I was lonely too.

I'm mostly disappointed in myself.  I'm still learning to forgive myself, I'm learning to trust my gut, I will never not be learning that.

Here's one thing I know for sure, something so cemented in me.  I will always be okay.  I've made bad choices before, learned from them, and moved on.  I am okay.  I will be okay, better than okay when he leaves.  And if I get too overwhelmed with the house, I will call my realtor and tell her it's time, and this house will be sold in a quickness.  That's just the market and projected growth in this city, and truly, it is a beautiful house.

Fourth, Jealously -- Man I miss San Diego, and California in general.  I miss my old life, my old coworkers.  I'm jealous that he can go back and slip into that life again.  I feel like he won, what a shit thing to think.  But, it's not like that at all, it's just easier to feel like a loser, a victim.  When I really fucking dodged a bullet, not the entire bullet, we still have a financial entanglement, but I would have been so fucking unhappy if we married.  He is/was not marriage material.

Anyway.  It's a weird feelings cocktail for sure.  I finally decided to start therapy, and have my first appointment next week.  I wish I could see the therapist that we did couples counseling with, but I feel like that's taboo as fuck.  Plus, she said she would only treat us as a couple, not do individual sessions, the "relationship" was her client.  I want to start therapy to invest in myself and my health, not because of just moving on from this relationship.  I don't want to bring any baggage from this or previous shitty relationships along with me.  I need that shit sorted out, washed, dried, folded, and either put away in it's place or donated out of my life.

*Don't read into the title of this post, I seriously couldn't think of anything, and then this Game of Thrones reference popped into my head. 2019, hurry up.