Tacos & Regret

I took some time off work for the Memorial day holiday, 3 days pre-weekend, so a full 6 days off, so nice.  During that time Miles and I went to Home Depot (too many times), and went to an epic sale at the West Elm outlet in San Marcos.  Scored some great lighting (buy one get one free--WHAAAA) for the kitchen, and found the above vanity light we really liked for the upcoming bathroom renovation.

Yes, it's happening!  I'm exciting and dreading it as well.  Miles is financing it and then I will just pay him back.  Which, that's going to take forever.  I just finished paying my half of the appliances we got a month or so ago, and the new french patio doors before that.  Ugh.  Anyway, after spending an hour an some change walking around looking at vanities and tiles, and whatever else, we grabbed some tacos.

As we were waiting for our food I asked Miles what he was going to do while in San Diego.  He said he wanted to take a vacation before he moved, and wanted to go to... wait for it.... San Diego... The place he is moving to in like a month-ish time... Okay.  Anyway, I asked if his sisters would be down while he is there and he said no, then mentioned how he said his older sister doesn't really seem interested in being "friends" with him. 

Sooooo, I don't think he is wrong.  I mean, the last year I was there for Christmas I went with his twin sister and her husband to a restaurant and she gave me some dirt on Miles and how she hates his friends, and some other things.  Also, she mentioned that Miles is selfish (fact), and her and her sister take issue with it.  These are all facts. 

"Maybe she doesn't think you are interested in her life" I say.
M: "Well, no, I mean I ask her if she wants to do something, she just would rather hang out with her friends instead"
Moi: "Okay, but when you ask her if she wants to do something, are you actually planning it?  Asking her if she wants to have dinner at a specific restaurant?"
M: "well... no"
Moi: "Okay, then, you're asking something like 'hey lets hang out sometime' with no real plan, how is she supposed to take that seriously?  Besides you are way more interested in doing things you want to do without including--or telling--anyone else"
M: "What, that's not true"
Moi: "Yes it is.  The first time I was there for Christmas you were prioritizing hanging out with Jay and Unicorn girl and didn't even bother including me in those plans, or asking about what I was going to do, or whatever.  I was your girlfriend, and you didn't include me, or really listen to how I felt about your having dinner with Unicorn girl, how do you think your sisters feel?"
M: "You're right.  And that's something that regret"
Moi: "Oh and what's that?"
M: "Not prioritizing you or taking into account how you felt.  I should have listened and included you"

This is one of the first things I've heard from him of regretting his actions.  It felt kinda good, but mostly depressing.  I'm glad I told him about himself though.  He is fucking selfish and didn't consider my feelings, at all. 

The Unicorn Girl thing was something I never wrote about, maybe because I felt so disrespected.  And that was probably when I should have ended our relationship to be honest.  I mean, there were other times that speak out now before this, in hindsight, but hey 20/20.  He had dinner with her after I told him I didn't want him to because it was disrespectful to me and our relationship, I told him I can't control what you do, the decision is ultimately yours, but this is how I feel... and he decided that how I felt wasn't important, that I had nothing to worry about, and did it anyway. 

He picked up his twin sister afterward his special dinner, and she said that was real fucked up.  Everyone was mad at him, even his Mom talked shit to him.  EVEN HIS THERAPIST TOLD HIM HE WAS WRONG!  Ugh, the greatest. 

Knowing now that he regrets his actions just makes me feel sad.  Sad that I wasn't important enough to change those actions while we were together.  And maybe this is all just things he has been learning in his private therapy sessions post break up, but who knows.  I think it's just something that he probably wouldn't do to his next girlfriend.  I mean, I never wanted to be a teacher, but hey, learned my lesson on that. 

However, like I said above, I'm glad I called him out about it.  It's something that my therapist has mentioned, that I don't stick up for myself.  It seems like an easy thing to work on, but takes courage to do sometimes.  Now that I've been doing it more, it's getting easier.  No one will defend me more than myself, I'm slowly finding my voice again after this relationshit, I just need to remember it will take time.