I think it's about that time to get back on Tinder.
Why would I want to do that when I am contemplating Master's programs and I am also committing a lot of time to my personal growth and happiness?.... Honestly, because dick.
That's not really it, but mostly is.
I know it's time to try and meet someone new because I am missing affection so fucking bad. Not even sex, just a guy touching my arm or hip. Holding my fucking hand. Playing with my hair. Basic shit like that. I had a dream the other night of a guy spooning me (with no sex!), just wrapped arms around me, it was great! Then I woke up and it was not as great to be alone in my bed!!
I have a confession to make, and I don't know why this is, but I do miss Robin Hood. It's almost been a year, what is wrong with me?!
I think it is because he was everything I wanted (except him being poly and giving me poor communication). Part of me is like "yeah, but everything else was perfect, couldn't you have just settled for less like usual??" and I have to really look internally and tell myself that no, I could not have just settled for less, I deserve more. Like my primary needs are affection and communication. He is poly, and talked about communication being key, but you barely talked to me inbetween dates! Get it together man!
I've re-read my personal journal entries from when we dated and I was heavy on the fence with him, yet now I'm all oh woe is me. When we had sex, I was like 'ehhh'. Yes, he was a very kind and seemingly authentic person, but he isn't the last man on earth, but I think inside I feel like I don't deserve anyone "that great", and I'm not going to meet anyone I mesh with as well, so I've put him on this pedestal that he does not deserve.
It's really frustrating when you have this trauma ingrained in you that you will never be good enough. You were not good enough for your parents to give a fuck about you, so why do you think that anyone will look at you and see you as good enough now? I am still practicing seeing myself as good enough. It's something I know I am, but it takes time to believe.
Well, this went from Tinder to trauma quite quickly. Maybe I'll just order another dildo online and call it a successful match.
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2 comments:
I removed Tinder from my phone those apps work better for women and young people. I miss Billy. I miss spooning with her. So I decided to pay for what I miss. It is working out for me. There is no emotional connection. Just a friendship and a physical connection. I am not sure I will ever find a better connection than I had with Billy. I am too picky.
Maybe don't think about it in terms of "I deserve more" or "someone great". Just think "I'll be more miserable with someone who doesn't meet my needs than I will be being alone" or "I need someone that will meet my needs". Would that make it less of a worthiness issue?
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