Something Old and Something New

I want a new car. I think I've said this before, but it's really starting to press on me.

Definitely do not need a new car, but want. And I want a Prius V. The unfortunate thing about those is they were only made for a few years, and the last year made 2017, is still quite expensive (although maybe partially due to current circumstances). The V is the "station wagon" Prius, but still the classic shape, since they are from the Gen 3 body style. I think they look cool, and can haul a bunch of stuff. Not like I've picked up any furniture finds lately, but the interior cabin space is also a bit bigger. Additionally, I would only get the 2017 and trim level 5, which is the highest trim offered for the Prius. That means the Soft-tech "leather" seats, JBL sound system bigger alloy wheels (I don't remember the size), navigation, and some models have a moon roof. 

I found one I liked in Austin and decided, why not, and wrote an email to the dealer. They were pretty cool and sent me the Carfax, only to see there was a front end accident with "moderate to severe" damage. That is an immediate no-go for a Prius. While they are very long lasting vehicles, and you can easily figure out how to DIY work on them, the engine systems are complicated and once there is a front end collision, most of the time insurance will total the vehicle rather than try to repair. I know that hybrid systems have come a long way, but it's just kind of one those things you always hear about if you are in the Prius forums (like I am, such a freaking nerd). 

I sent him an email saying that was gonna be a no for me dawg, and he replied stating he understood and that's it! Amazing! No harassment! 

Anyway, it is not a smart decision to get a new car when I do not have a commute and use my car sparingly. But, wanting is wanting, it's not a necessity. Besides, this particular Prius V was almost as expensive as my Prius was brand new, and it's 5 years old with like 70k miles. I'm so over whatever is going on nowadays.

I am firmly in book drop, or like an adrenaline drop. I finished listening to Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir, and omg. Fantastic. This is already by favorite fiction book of the year, it was sooooo good! Also, the narrator was so good. I was at first disappointed it wasn't narrated by Wil Wheaton, but Ray Porter killed it. I found the audiobook on YouTube, but this is an add to the library situation, so I will be buying a physical copy this weekend. 

I started another class a couple weeks ago. Got an A in my class that finished a week ago. I got a few B's during this program, just out of sheer laziness and not doing an assignment, and I am really trying to bring up my GPA. Not like it's that bad, I believe its 3.58 right now, so it may not get much better if I get finish out the rest of my classes with A's, but I'll do it. I have 4 courses left including the one I am in, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a lot of work and brain power. I know that sounds kind of dumb, but it's just space I'm constantly thinking "gotta do homework" over and over throughout the week. 

I applied to six job this week, two with the state, and the other four are within my current company. I got an immediate "no thanks" for one of them, but the other I applied for the hiring manager opened two positions, and I am qualified, so I am hoping I at least make it to interview. My company had pretty good benefits, so I would like to stay with them, but I am willing to leave. 

Miles is going to take time off work and go on a road trip soon and I am thrilled. It will be nice to have the house to myself, and I am going to try and take some time off work as well. Just to be alone and read or do whatever I want all by myself. 

The giant oak tree in our backyard has dropped so much pollen in the last two weeks, it is covering the yard. It looks like fall leaves, but it's pollen. My sinus's are in agony. I feel so tired, and the pressure pressing on my eyes makes me want to keep them closed all day. We are having a landscaping company come out to assess the front yard for a xeriscaping design, and then to expand the back patio. I am pretty sure the previous owners laid out a small brick patio and path to the greenhouse, Miles and I both have wanted that expanded or redone. 

I have decided to not sell my portion of the house and move. I have looked at apartments in my area (and other areas of SA), and rents have increased so dramatically in the last year that it is not a financially sound decision. Yes, it sucks living with someone, especially someone you were in a relationship with, but we have lived together for longer than we were a couple at this point. I also realized that if I stop holding onto my anger and resentment towards Miles, I don't really have an issue with him. Other than he is kind of dumb and selfish, but then I voice my opinion or ask him to do things and he takes heed. 

I am also just not comfortable financially to live alone. Yes, I would have the sale of my portion of the house, but my idea was to put all that into a savings for a down payment for another house or condo in the future (and add to it). If I move, I will likely be paycheck to paycheck again, and would not be able to save anything. Would it be worth it? Yes and no. I do think that the more I work on myself, the better my situation is. I have focused too much on blaming my unhappiness on Miles instead of where it belongs, work obviously. Lol, okay partially, but I also sit and stew about things instead of trying to do something positive. I am my own worst enemy. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be, and I know that there doesn't need to be a "should" or whatever, but I can keep expecting or demanding less from myself, and I'll just become a puddle. 

I'll really just be a do nothing puddle. It's kind of weird I started this post with wanting to buy a new car, and now I'm going to talk about death. And for anyone who reads this, I am sure you are like, whoa, what the fuck, but I am not planning my death, so there's that. I just mean I can get busy living or get busy dying. I have felt for the last year to be in the bad place with my depression. I felt like I have been dying, and maybe I have been killing myself in little ways, anger, bitterness, apathy, being lazy, feeling resentful, being shutdown, and so forth. And maybe I am just having a good day, and I'm still in the bad place, but at least I feel like I want to change that, and I'm actually doing little things to change. My old therapist would say "bite sized pieces", and when I think about doing things, it's all so overwhelming, but I'll just take bite sized pieces and move forward.