Groundhog Day

I spent some money recently on new interview clothes, well, I should probably invest in some slacks, but instead just got some black Chino's. If I do interviews with my company, they are virtual, and my pants don't really matter. I am not applying for executive positions, so I feel these will do. I wonder if I still have my purple slacks stored around somewhere though... I have been applying for jobs with a gusto, no more than 3 at each company, until I get a "no thanks" notice, then I go back in. I'm getting tired with it, but I'm so irritated with my department that its lit a fire to find something better. Or at least with more money, if it can't be better. 

I got my merit increase this week, 3%. I asked my leader "so Company isn't considering the current inflation rates when considering merit increases?" and she said that no, Company is pay for performance, they do not do cost of living raises, because everyone would get a raise, and their performance doesn't indicate that they should. She also added in that I should be happy I got a raise because not everyone in the department did. I didn't say anything else besides "hmm, okay" during the short meeting. She kept explaining herself and I was like, I didn't ask for your bullshit excuse. I know she knows I am disappointed, but sorry, I am not going to tap dance for your paltry handouts and be grateful. 

I already knew going into this company that their starting wages were pretty good, but their raises are pitiful. You cannot really increase your salary without moving positions. 

I kind of just want to quit. I have a good amount of money in savings, but I also don't want to touch it. My job itself isn't necessarily bad, like the actual work. Sure it can be overwhelming and annoying, but that's any job. The problem, in my opinion, is the leadership and EXTREME micromanaging. Like, you already have a program on my computer that tracks when I am being idle, do you need to send me stupid fucking emails about my cases as well, where I have to take a break from doing the actual work to address your concerns? Fuck outta here. 

I am hoping something new pans out soon. I did get an internal reference check for a position I applied for in December, and my application is still showing open, but what the hell, like that was in December, what is taking so fucking long? Change my application status already. The great resignation my ass.

This weekend is the last for my class this term. Which means I will be writing my final paper all weekend. I took Thursday and Friday (today) off to work on it. Thursday I did nothing, which I have found has to happen. I can dedicate my entire Sunday to schoolwork, but I have to have Saturday to do nothing. So, I did nothing yesterday and feel ready to get to work. 

I recently finished reading the Will Trent series by Karin Slaughter and I really enjoyed it. Although she said that she is not done writing the series, I have finished the 11 published novels. Slaughter writes horrific fiction novels on some of the most depraved crimes, especially centered on violence against women and children, but her writing is excellent, and development of her main characters is so good. I don't think the Will Trent series is as bad as some of her one-off books, especially Pretty Girls. Like holy shit, Pretty Girls was absolutely sick. And, a novel of hers is being made into a Netflix limited series, Pieces of Her, with Toni Collete, which just came out. I really hope it's good. I am kind of surprised they picked that book, personally it was not a favorite or very memorable, but I'm still looking forward to watching. I don't think they could make a movie from Pretty Girls, TBH. It's that bad. 

Yesterday I finished a book of essays called "What My Mother and I Don't Talk About", it was so-so, but one of the essays really got to me. Some were just interesting to hear about the mother-child relationship and how different each family is, but the stand out essay was like depressed child and the mother not understanding and being mad about it. How they are not friendly and the daughter stated something like sometimes I feel it is a natural inclination to want to reach out and tell my mother something, but it will not matter to her, she doesn't care, she doesn't even know me like that. Or along those lines, I'm really butchering it, but it just resonated with me.

For me, the book title is a good prompt for writing. The LCSW I was seeing a couple years ago challenged me to write letters to my parents and Miles in my journal. I wrote one to/about my step-dad, and a very angry one to Miles. I was never able to write one about my mother. Not because there is nothing there, quite the opposite, it was just too much. Where would I even start to dissect it, how would I even start this letter? I like the prompt better. 

Anyway, I really am tired of the same, day in and day out. However much the routine is needed to work and go to school, it's annoying. I would really like to find someone decent to date or be in a relationship with, but holy fuck, it's such bullshit out there. I think that I will never find a great love, and that is really depressing. I am not someone who lives for having a relationship, as I am kind of emotionally detached from people at the very core, but truthfully it's something that I really want. I think I am just feeling lonely right now. I won't let that feeling influence me to make bad decisions though.