Nothing to See Here

I've been like gone gone. Gone girl gone. 

There is literally nothing going on in my neck of the woods, which is how I like it. I finished classes for the year the first weekend of November, and since then I've mostly been reading.  Not even shopping much online or in stores, but I do try and go out and look around the thrift stores or another place on the weekends. Exception for pretty much anything after Black Friday, then I stay my ass home. 

I bought a few things for myself during Black Friday sales, but nothing crazy, more perfume from Dossier, and some basics from Old Navy. Took a couple trips to the West Elm Outlet and got some velvet bedding that was discounted 80% off, perfection. Other than that, I am trying to spend as little as possible and just save. When I made birthday goals back in September, I decided to save all the gift cards I get from work, and my credit card rewards for either my next bday, or when I move out. I already have enough points accumulated from my work wellness program to cash out a $100 gift card, and its burning a hole is my proverbial wallet. My bookworm is whispering in my ear to buy more books. I am resisting. 

I did sign up for Kindle Unlimited for a 4 month deal, it's usually $9.99/month and it was $4.99 for 4 months, so I was like, seems good to me. I've already made up for it so far, I will probably cancel after the promo, as I get most of my books from the library. However, KU is pretty good for those random romance and dark romance books that the library is like "ummm, no you heathen, we do not have that book". 

Lately I have added "smart books" to my list, like social issue books mostly. I'm currently reading Fearing the Black Body by Sabrina Strings, which traces the origins of fatphobia, it's really interesting, even if I get a little sleepy when she is discussing all these old French and English scholars that talk about what women should strive to look like in the eye of old white men *eyeroll*. I get that it was a different time, but ugh. 

I just checked out the physical copies of a few books, first, A Generation of Sociopaths, which is about the baby boomer generation. I think it will be interesting, and I am looking at it from a perspective of working with Medicare members for the last 5 years. But also taking with a grain of salt because the author is some kind of wealthy investor, and I have a hard time believing a wealthy white man knows the struggles of poverty, or the systematic issues that keep people in poverty, but I'm willing to give it a go. 

Second, Thinking Fast and Slow, I've heard mixed things about this book. I wanted to check it out because I would like to improve my critical thinking skills, but the book is thicccck and quite a few reviews comment on its redundancy, and that the introductory 12 pages is all you need to read. So, eh. Finally, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous, which I've heard nothing but great things about. I have another book to pick up, The Pain Gap, which discusses how medicine is bias towards women's pain, so I am really looking forward to being enraged reading that. 

My Goodreads count right now is 84, I adjusted my goal to 75. I will probably finish 2-3 more books before the end of the year. Actually, maybe 4, since a book I am dying for will be released on 12/30, and it's pretty short, so maybe it will only take a few hours to complete. Okay, moving on from books. 

I had my last appointment with my therapist at the end of November. She was quitting the platform she did virtual visits on. If she comes back, she is going to inform me, but I am not sure what her plans are. I felt fine taking a break, although I do miss therapy. I have a lot of personal growth books that I need to read and really implement in my life before I get back to paying a lot of money for therapy. I am essentially not doing the work I should be doing. I have been great at speaking up for myself more and challenging people, also setting boundaries. However, there is still work to be done. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

I am not doing anything for Christmas, other than getting Chinese food for dinner and I am really excited about it. I didn't buy any gifts, I didn't send out any cards. I'm not a grinch per say, but I just don't care. I really just want the day off to relax, read, and watch TV. I started The Witcher, and have been careful about really paying attention, although I am still kind of like wtf is happening sometimes. I was thinking about watching Wheel of Time on Christmas weekend, so we'll see. 

I actually finished The Witcher before I finished this post, and while I liked it, there is a lot of lore that is expected for the audience to know. I get that it is a show slated to replace the Game of Thrones fantasy niche, but the difference with GoT is that most people had a hard time remembering names and secrets, with Witcher, you need to know what species are involved (human, mages, monsters, elves, etc), and nothing is really explained. Like GoT did well in having the mythos explained as bedtime stories, but I didn't see the same experience. I still liked it, and Geralt is dreamy. I am looking forward to the spin offs associated in The Witcher World. 

On the job front. I've applied for quite a few internal positions, and about 5 positions with other companies, 3 which said no, nothing yet on the others. I am hoping I hear something back soon because my manager gave me my lowest ever review, which was a "full". Our rating are "exceeds expectations - full - 3rd and 4th" I don't remember what the last 2 ratings are. However, my numbers are all above the department standard, I am on time, never call in, help others, and cover them when they are out and she was like "in order to get an exceeds expectations, you have to go above and beyond and take on additional projects, etc". So, I have to exceed my metrics, and take on additional projects after that? Nah. 

Anyway, this is why I generally don't write. There is nothing going on. Miles has been away in San Diego for the last week, and it's been so nice to pretend I live alone. Then I realize that the house is not how I want it to be, there is still a huge piano taking up half of the living room, and so my live alone fantasy doesn't go how I think it will. I am feeling lonely. I wonder if I would feel this as heavily if it wasn't the holidays. I think this is the case because leading up to Christmas day (today, as I write this), I was sad. This morning, I feel fine. The adjustment to living alone once Miles and I sell, or he buys me out, may be a bit brutal, but necessary. 

His parents visit here went well, although Miles of course didn't plan to do anything with them. The moment his mom and I were alone, she brought up that I wanted to move and/or sell the house. I told her it was time for me to move on. She understood, then said I'm sorry things didn't go the way you were expecting. I was thinking, things went the way they should have. If we would have gotten married, it would have been terrible, and I would have felt trapped in a toxic cycle of codependency. I believe I told her that things worked out for the best. I know she wants to believe her son is a great guy and partner, but he really isn't, and I think she knows it. She also told me that they are willing to help Miles buy me out if necessary. Its good to know that, Miles has this idea that I would accept monthly payments from him, and I already told him that is not an option. 

Anyway, I hope that anyone that reads this has a happy holiday, and a happy new year.