The Frozen Evening and The (un)Cool Girl

We made tentative plans to do something Monday evening, and he walked me to my car. San Antonio was under a freeze/snow/sleet warning for Monday night into Tuesday, and he told me that he would come to me, as he did not want me to drive in those conditions "even though I know you are capable, I don't trust the other drivers". I love men like this, yes, be protective of me and think of my safety always, it's literally so hot in my opinion. 

He texted me after I drove off asking me to let him know when I am home safely, and we chatted back and forth for a bit when I got home. I did some things around the house, tried not to crash out from the oxytocin coursing through my body, tried to take a nap, then went to the gym. 

I texted him after my workout if he wanted to come to mine tonight and he agreed. He was going to have a cigar at a place he frequents when he is in town, and then he would go to his hotel to clean up and come over. I asked him to stay the night and he agreed and would bring what he needed for the next day. 

A lot of places were closing early for the impending storm, so he picked up Chick-Fil-A on the way to mine, it was also getting late, and too cold for me to want to leave the house. I don't care that I'm a cheap date, I'm doing this for the sex, let's not forget (like I seem to do). I gave him a tour of my place, then we sat and ate and talked. I sat back and listened, really assessing him, who he is, what he has to offer, because of course I like the guy. He asked about how I ended up with my ex, as he knew I used to live in Utah, and how I ended up in San Antonio. I recounted the story and how I moved from San Diego, and he asked about living there and dating there. I told him dating was hard because I am not "beach bunny" size, so you are invisible. He told me that was ridiculous because I am sexy as hell, my body is perfection, and I am what men consider "curvy", I am his exact type, and the same type that all his friends date/marry. I did not inform him about how hard I've worked for the body I have, or my weight loss. 

If I am such his type, body, skin, eyes, redhead, humor, everything really (according to him), then what the fuck, why not try and at least date me??? My friend Jaime advised that I be cool, assessing, just enjoy being in his masculine energy. If he wants something with me, he will pursue, that's it, that's the end. If he is not pursing, he is not interested, period point blank. I know this, I practice this usually. I am just lost in the sex sauce (okay not real sauce, because gross, but the feels, which doesn't sound as smooth). 

This is true. Adam is a masculine, protective, provider type. If he wants someone, I am assuming he would pursue. I am pursing him more than he is pursing me at this point. I need to step back, even if I am just saying I want sex right now, I'm being too forceful and trying to control an unknown future outcome, I'm coming on too strong, it's desperate energy and it's extremely easy to read, I hate it. I'm just anxious and attached after having sex and it's really hard for me to manage. This is a sign (for me to reconsider, nothing else).

We went to bed and had another great time, as expected. I stayed chill after, no ridiculous declarations or anything, and we went to sleep. I woke multiple times during the night with him clinging to me and holding me close. Of course I liked it, but I also like space when sleeping, but this felt really nice because he was so wanting. Cuddling with other men has felt like they are doing me a favor, there is no question with him, I get into bed and he opens the covers and his arms for me, lets me settle and then pulls me in. Space with him is not possible, Adam is loud, assured, commanding, and lures you into his orbit. 

The city did indeed freeze, we got a slight brushing of snow that stuck around for a bit. They had already preemptively closed roads, so Adam was able to sleep in a bit. I was not so lucky, and the internet didn’t even go down! I worked for a few hours until I heard his alarm go off, then went to join him in bed. Yes on the clock, I don’t care. At least I changed my status to “Be Right Back!”, lol. I crawled into bed with him, exchanging good mornings. I told him he was clinging to me all night and his response was “I just really like you”. The words work and feel good in the moment, as they are intended to. 

We had sex and I lost my cool, collected persona after. It’s too hard, I want the illusion of control, I want certainty in an uncertain situation. He is going to leave for the day and I’m going to have to sit in my feelings of knowing that this is casual and I’m not following the rules of it. Oh well, can’t rewrite it now.

He was laying back after we were done and trying not to have an asthma attack (lol) and I was caressing his body, trying to be soothing. 

Adam: I’ve never been with someone who comes so much, so often and so intensely as you, maybe you are magic
Moi: it’s not normal, it’s not like this with other people, it’s like this with you… I just, I don’t know. Maybe I am a witch, but I’ve felt a connection with you since our first date last year and I think that’s why it’s so easy for me with you. This is new to me.
Adam: it’s not because of the surgery? 
Moi: no, I was actually worried I’d lose the ability to get there from penetration post surgery. I know that it’s already not common, but even for a while after, things were not intense or strong after, they haven’t been this strong with anyone but myself honestly… which is telling me that I really like you, and I’m not a casual girl. I want more from you, and I don’t think you do, regardless of what you’ve said
Adam: look at me, I’m sick (he has COPD), I’m barely catching my breath. I don’t have anything to offer you… you know, a good buddy of mine finally got a divorce from someone who treated him horribly. A few years later he met the one, the love of his life, and they are perfect together. It was really fast, but they secretly got married and didn’t tell anyone for a year as they didn’t want to hear shit from anyone. She was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, like that has a good recovery rate right… she's going to die and they get like what, 3 years together... I don’t want to do that to anyone. 

Coward. That’s what my thought was, that’s cowardly behavior. I would want whatever I could have with someone I truly loved, a great love. And no, I’m not trying to be a caretaker, but that’s how things may end up as we age. I know I’m hopeful and a romantic, and as a woman, I’m more likely to be left than taken care of by a male partner, but I would still want it. And no, it's not fair, that really sucks for his friend, but at least he got to experience that time with her. 

I’m curious to what his friend thinks about his opinion. He’s sticking with her, by her side, so I think he has a different perspective on things than Adam does. I also understand what Adam is saying, but how self sacrificing… men are not like this. 

Moi: I would like to still see you, but I think I need a bit of space to decompress, the sex is intense, and I am flooded with oxytocin, then start to come down and feel extremely anxious. It’s throwing me off, it’s hard to deal with and causing me to overthink. 
Adam: what’s oxytocin?

Be so for real right now.

Moi: it’s a hormone released during sex for women, a bonding hormone. It mostly releases for women when they have a child and breastfeed, but it’s also released during orgasms. It’s overwhelming to deal with as it makes me want to attach to you, but that’s something we are not aligned on. However, if I can just ask one thing of you, regardless of how the rest of the work turns out, just don’t ghost me. It’s a horrible thing to do and I don’t deserve it. 

This man had the audacity to put on a hurt face while he said, “I won’t, I wouldn’t do that to you”

YOU ALREADY DID! WHAT DO YOU MEAN!

I walked him out once he dressed and hugged him goodbye. 

Moi: If you wouldn't mind, I would like to hear from you this week and maybe we can get together on Thursday?
Adam: Yeah, that sounds good, I will text you, I'm not going to ghost

And he did follow through. He sent me some videos and photos of things he worked on at the shop he was working at and touched base with me in the evening. We went back and forth about him coming over that night, I KNOW! I am weak okay, I was in the weeds, I have no excuse. It didn't happen, he was drinking and it was late and I was run ragged the last two nights anyway and needed sleep. Maybe with some restful shuteye I will come to my senses.