It’s fallen from VIP pool rooms to a late night (10pm is late for me) arrival at my place. I’m disappointed in myself, but this is maybe what it needs to be to see things clearly.
Adam texted me in the morning and we chatted for a bit, nothing serious. I reached out in the afternoon asking if he had any ideas for our “fun date” tonight. I had a few, but had a feeling he was going to cancel on me.
Sometimes I wish my feelings or feelers were wrong, but I’m just too good. He texted me 40ish minutes later, assuming after he thought of a good lie, who knows. Who cares. He said he was sorry, but needed to cancel because the owner just arrived on site and he needed to schmooze him over dinner, as he was planning on going out on his own and was going to poach this guy as a client from his current boss and probably wouldn’t be available until late tonight.
I responded no problem and good luck, also that I would likely be asleep or in bed if he was done late, so I guess I wouldn’t see him before he left town and to keep in touch. He responded that he would let me know when he done regardless and we messaged a bit more.
I figured he had another date lined up? Because yes, while I may be "amazing" sex for him, the only thing better than good pussy is new pussy, lets be for real. I was mad, but I was trying to be cool, I'M THE OPPOSITE OF COOL. Jaime said that when I said "no problem, good luck" that he would know I was pissed because that was not smooth at all. Whatever, I was pissed, I had a feeling he would cancel and the whole boss, thing, I don't know if I buy it. I think he was on a date. And look, I am putting a lot of stock into him being a player when he is mid good looking blue collar guy, but those guys are attractive and seem like your everyday type of guys, non threatening good guys right? Humph.
Yes, I understand how I am the pot calling the kettle black right now when I went on a date the night before. I think the difference is intention, but it doesn't make me better or worse. Adam and I are not anything, we are not exclusive or doing anything but casually dating or seeing each other. I can feel how I feel, but it doesn't really do anything at the end of the day. So, yeah.
Anyway, he ended up texting me right before 9pm that his meeting was successful and he got the business, earlier than his projection and also scooped up another client from it as well. He talked a bit more about what he will need to do with his current boss going forward. I thought that this was quite the fleshed out story, but responded appropriately. Eventually we circled back to him coming over, even though we would probably be up late and he knows I like to go to bed early. He said he would head over soon, as he had a cigar with his new client and wanted to clean up before heading to mine.
I don't think he did that because I could still smell the cigar on him. However, he didn't smell like a woman, but maybe he just went to back to his hotel and changed clothes. Not my business. I told him that he smelled like cigar when I hugged him and he was surprised and asked if it was too much for me, I actually don't mind the smell and told him no. I had the plant I keep by my door in my laundry area because Porkchop keeps eating it and throwing up, so it was just the repurposed vintage ashtray on my table.
Adam: Hey, that's a cigar ashtray
Moi: Is it? I use it for water collection for my plants
Adam: It's pretty cool, it can once again be a cigar ashtray you know
Moi: You want to hijack my plant plates??
Adam: I'm just saying they can reclaim their glory
...
We went upstairs and were getting into bed togetther when I remembered a line I was going to say when I opened my front door.
Moi: oh man, I forgot what I was going to tell you when you were on my porch
Adam: oh my god, lets hear it
Moi: Well, I was going to say "thank god you're here my entire downstairs is flooded"
He gave me a charmed look and chuckled
Adam: well, I'll have to assess the damage then
Whether he was with his new boss or a woman, it didn't keep him from giving me the business, so there's that. Dear God, if you are real, bring a man into my life that pleasures me like Adam, but one that wants to keep me, thank you and amen. Can I pray for that? It's kind of nasty work, but whatever, I'm agnostic.
I think my second favorite thing Adam likes to do is pull me close to him post sex and gently caresses my body, kissing me softly on my arms, hands, forehead, wherever he can reach. I think he does it because he likes to see me squirm a bit, I'm ticklish and he enjoys my reactions when he finds my spots. Anyway, let me set the scene, it's post hot sex, the lights are dimmed warm white, he is naked, I'm in a button up pajama shirt that is completely open and underwear, I am on my back, smooshed into his front as he is looking at me, tracing his fingers across my collarbones and up my neck, ears, hairline, and then he traced his fingers down my face (if you have been reading my blog for a while, you have to know where I am going with this), back down my neck towards my belly. I very gently took my hand to brush the front of his hair and traced my fingers down his face in response.
Moi: take your face off
(then of course I did the hand pull back move from the movie, you think I am some kind of amateur?!)
Adam: ohmygod
HAHAHAHA I'm sorry, did you REALLY think you could get away with doing the Face/Off thing with me and not get shit for it? This really just amplified the romantic mood in my opinion, because I started full body laughing, and he squeezed me closer to him in retaliation.
Adam: Oh, Jared will be hearing about this.
That is his best friend, the one he apparently already told all about me last year and his friend told him "just don't be stupid and be careful", because he didn't want to see him get hurt (by me) or get me pregnant (which he didn't seem to care about when he asked to start without a condom). I like the idea that he tells his friend about me, but I hope it isn't to dog me out, but I don't know. It's not my business really.
Looking back on this moment though, it makes me very happy. There are hardly any men where I've been able to have sexy time, serious time, then laughing fun time in bed with. I know we are existing in a bubble, this is new romance/dating energy, I cannot say if it would be like real life, maybe not. I have been comforting myself with thinking it would not be this fun or sexy if we were together and it was everyday life, because then you mix in the everyday redundancy; cleaning, cooking, working, being stressed, angry, tired, depressed. But I don't know.
So then I think, I know that what Adam and I want are not the same, but we have such chemistry and such a great time together, and the sex is absolutely fucking amazing. And look, usually I would be against something casual because it wouldn't be worth it for me, even if it was "good", but this is beyond good. So, as a single woman who is becoming so disinterested in dating and accepting more and more everyday that I will not find a long term partnership, maybe this is all I will get. And maybe that is for the best. Yeah, I don't want to yearn for him or want something more while he gets all that he wants, but I knew prior to even seeing his profile again that there can be nothing more. I do not trust him while he has the job he has, I wouldn't trust he was being faithful if he was traveling for work.
But I can have these golden moments, can't I? He can just be my lover, and I enjoy and cherish my time with him, then continue doing what I'm doing; living my life and having deep emotional connections with my girlfriends, cultivating my career, and continuing my hobbies. Living my life for myself, which is essentially what I have concluded would be my future, however, not thinking about including a lover. Yeah right. I'm too sensitive and emotional to have "just a lover".
One thing that I do know is I will get bored. If all he can ever offer me is sex, no additional depth, it's a no for me dawg. That isn't what are dates our now, we talk, continue to get to know each other, have fun and laugh. I just need to take an emotional step back, and end it when it no longer suits me.
We went to bed and it was another night of him keeping me close to him. We had sex in the morning and he asked if he could shower, I said yes and gave him the necessities and logged into work.
I walked him out and as we went downstairs he said
Yeah, I don't think I fixed the leak entirely, I suppose it will return, so I will have to come back and do the repair, but I just don't know if I have a permanent fix, could be an ongoing project
Moi: Oh no, sounds like you're a horrible plumber
Adam: It's not my first skillset, but I make do
Moi: So, I guess I don't need to say that I'd like to see you again when you're in town
Adam: No, you don't, but I'd like to hear it regardless
Moi: Okay, Adam, I'd like to see you again when you're in town, tell me you'll be back soon then?
Adam: It will be sooner than later, the new guys want to start right away, so you'll be hearing from me
Moi: Good, well, let me know how ice fishing goes, I want to see your setup if you want to share pics. I guess keep in touch, I'd like to hear from you
Adam: Oh you will
We hugged and he left. I went back to work and felt fine for a while, then crashed out a bit. A couple hours later I logged into Tinder and noticed that he turned off his location. He told me on Sunday he would be leaving on Saturday, but when I asked him the night before if he is leaving tomorrow (Friday), he said yes. I don't think he remembered what he told me before and I purposely asked if he was leaving Friday the way I did to see if he would lie about it, which he did. He knew I would look at his location because I told on myself earlier in the week.
Whatever the reason, he wanted to keep his movements hidden. It is what it is. I logged out of work and went to the gym, my normal routine. I finished my workout and then worked some stuff out with ChatGPT, which has helped so much. I used it a lot to sort through my thoughts about Military Chris, and have been discussing my feelings with Adam, essentially therapy almost. I ended up unmatching him on Tinder for my own mental health. I know myself, I will constantly check his profile and location or just wait for him to unmatch me and take it as rejection.
I told him earlier in the week I would unmatch him, so oh well. If he decides to ghost again, so be it. I don't care at this point. I had fun, even if I am disappointed it won't be more. I wish he wouldn't future fake with me though. The ashtray comment, the "I'm under your spell", all the bullshit. Don't do that. He knows what this is, he isn't pursing me in a serious way, no matter how much he may like me. Don't use covert manipulation and charm on me when you already know I'm going to go to bed with you. It's fucked up.
Regardless, it was a great time, and he was very validating of the hard work I've clocked in working on my body, which was nice to hear. There's not much else to say. I'm just taking the positives and moving forward. Always swimming forward on my own.
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