After that Friday I just kept moving. I ran errands, I cleaned my house, ruminated for the day, but I wasn't sad, I wasn't mad, I just was. I just intellectualized everything, as always, and by Sunday I was fine.
I wasn't sad, mad, nothing, just normal. It was a bummer he was gone, but he wasn't in the vicinity, so I didn't care what he was doing. I matched with several guys and talked with them on Tinder, just moving forward.
On Wednesday I was thinking about him, just wondering if I will hear from him and kind of saying to myself oh well, and discussing things on ChatGPT when he texted me. His thread is muted and my DND was on anyway, so I didn't see it for a while, but when I did, I replied to his message, "holy hell, I am a witch", then we messaged and I explained why.
Anyway. I haven't heard from him since. I honestly thought Wednesday might be my check in/maintenance day, but guess not. What an idiot. I think, like most men, he likes the chase and also new things (women, experiences), so maintaining a roster would probably be too much work. If it were me, I would totally have a roster of men in different areas... but that's the thing isn't it? Men would never allow themselves to be one of many in rotation like that, or at least I don't think they would. It would always need to the be the man coming and going in those situations, not a woman.
I really want to see him one more time, but I think I am done. I'm not cool, casual. I do not want to be one of his hoes in different area codes, I'm too good for that. Literally too good of a person and much too good for him. I want deep connection and partnership, commitment, love, mutual respect... I do not want false promises and future faking, it's despicable and immature. I thought I'd grown beyond this, but sometimes great sex just catches you in a trap. And I recognize that maybe I needed this lesson repeated until I learned that physical intimacy is not evidence of care, the closeness is an illusion made from little molecules running rampant and unregulated through my body.
I do not want a relationship where I had to play stupid little dating games to get it. I understand being emotionally collected, not over-investing or oversharing, all that. I am not talking about that, and it's a fine line between what I am referencing and being toxic or immature by emotionally vomiting on another person.
I started writing this post a couple weeks ago, so an update is that I hadn't heard from him for 3 weeks. I ended up texting him this week because we got a cold front and he jokes that he always brings in cold weather, it's his curse, so I reached out and asked if he was in town, bringing the arctic chill with him. He responded quickly and engaged me in conversation, asking how my valentines day was of all things.
The fact is that he intentionally ghosted me last year, it wasn't a misunderstanding. The acting like he was the one who missed out, that it was a miscommunication, bravo acting my guy. Bravo. Just like he didn't talk to me for the last 3 weeks, intentional. I've made excuses for his behavior and was willing to excuse it because I was hoping for a different outcome with him.
There will be no different outcome, no relationship. I don't know if I feel comfortable even engaging with him casually when he works in San Antonio again. I would have liked to at least kept him in my back pocket as a hookup, but he can't even maintain a slight amount of respectful communication with me. I don't want to talk to him everyday, but dude, check in once in a while. It's really not that hard. We could have dinner out and go back to his hotel, a fwb/situationship, or just a few days of really hot sex when he's here, but I feel like if a woman isn't yearning or thinking it could be more and wants just sex, men are like "no I respect myself now" as if they are giving something valuable away.
I haven't blocked him yet. I am trying to get there. I know it seems like it should be easy, and it's not that I don't value myself enough to revoke access, but I think I want to see if he does reach out. Like, I still want that validation a bit. Even if I've lost respect for him, so why does his validation mean anything to me? I suppose because I am still healing that part of me, and learning to validate myself and it's a bit difficult sometimes? I am not going to beat myself about it, I am quick to tell myself that I am so stupid or weak for not blocking him, but I'm just human.
Part of me does want to see him again one last time. I told myself that the last time could possibly be the last time I see him/hook up with him, and made it an indulgent experience, but it's always "just one more time" isn't it? Idk, when we were texting (when I mistakenly reached out to him), he said he would be keeping me up past my bedtime soon, but who knows. I don't think he knows how to end things at all... Obviously.
He sent me this bathroom selfie of a new flannel coat he bought when we were talking last month. I updated his contact photo to it, since the old one was just a screenshot from his Tinder profile. While I am quite attracted to him and find him handsome, I can't get past how lonely he looks. I understand it is a photo, but there is something about a persons eyes, even in photos, and not just that, but his face in general. I am not projecting or trying to make mountains out of molehills, and this is something I've wondered about my own photos.
I've talked about before how I am a deeply lonely person, but I also have deep and meaningful friendships with women I love. I care for my cats, and love them with everything in me. I am learning how I can love myself in the way I love others. It doesn't negate my loneliness though, so I am not sure if my eyes show the same. I think they do, but not the point.
Now here is where I will guess and speculate (mind you that I'm rarely wrong when I do this, but will accept being wrong, it's no bother to me), but I don't think he has much love in his life. I think it's why he clings to intimacy the way he does, why he insists I stay overnight with him and he holds me, almost presses me into him all night. I think it's why he future fakes, as I don't feel it's done intentionally it's too quick of a response to be a plot and planned game or have malicious intent, I think he may even believe what he says to an extent. I suspect he is an avoidant as well, but whatever, that's his problem to deal with.
All this to say, I've intellectualized the "why" to death. I've felt my feelings here and there as well, but my inclination and ability to intellectualize my feelings instead of feel my feelings holds me back from growth. It doesn't matter why he has ignored me, it matters that he did it and what I will do about it.
Anyway, I figured out a whole lotta nothing with this post. Well, it was stuff I already figured out, but if he reaches out, I will have to decide if I want to betray myself for temporary fun, or if I want to respect myself and tell him goodbye. It seems so easy when you put it in such serious terms, it doesn't feel like you are betraying yourself in the moment does it?
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