Spring 2025 Musings

Besides Adam bullshit, February was... dare I say good? I don't know. Certainly not my favorite month, but every month cannot be the Ber's right?

Gym has been consistent as always, 5 days a week. I am getting a little bit tired of my lifting routine though. Really want to change things up soon.

I saw an orthopedist at the beginning of the month for my knee. The x-ray shows I am not bone on bone yet, literally like a thread between, it looks weird. Anyway, they offered me a steroid injection, but that this was "the beginning of the end" as the side effect with the steroid is that it will break down cartilage. I feel like the beginning of the end was when I had my meniscectomy like 10 years ago. I already know I will have to eventually have my right knee replaced due to the tear being quite bad at the time. 

They said the steroid shot can last from 6-9 months, but potentially a year, or even potentially forever. It's up to our body I suppose, and I work out and still do physical therapy exercises for my knee and am careful. Although I did do some yoga this last week and my knee did not like some of those movements at all, and now the outer part of my knee has been hurting. So, I've held back on the stairmaster the last few days, and haven't lifted legs since. Although today's plan was a leg day, so I will wrap up. 

The shot was pretty amazing, the extreme inflammation that is always there has slowly diminished, my knees almost look the same in size. Plus, the constant dull pain and fatigue I experience is just gone. Is this how people with decent knees feel all the time?! It's mind boggling how much easier things are (like walking for a straight hour on the treadmill and running errands after) when your body works as it's supposed to. 

I just got notice of my annual merit increase and am annoyed. A paltry 4%, which does fuck all nothing towards the increased cost of living or inflation, as usual. I argued for the highest rating months ago for this reason, but apparently to get an "exceeds expectations" rating, you have to essentially be doing your job and the job above you at the "your current job" rate. So, they make is impossible. Now that all those federal employees are being laid off, and UnitedHealth Care laid off like 30k people, maybe I should just be grateful...? IDK. I am looking for remote work that I can do part time, just because I really would like to leave Texas and when I do, I would like to buy a house. 

It would be easier to move keeping my current job, so I have kind of collected 3 options. Find remote work part time, find a new job, stay at my job and use the education benefit to accumulate Health IT/AI skills/programming. I haven't decided which, but the Health IT/AI skills would be the most beneficial.

I have finally felt the urge to truly leave Texas, not just talk about it casually. I am considering Utah, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, Wyoming, and Wisconsin. Actually Wisconsin, Michigan and Minnesota for climate reasons. Wisconsin is more work related and the COL seems on par with Texas in some regions, obviously Madison seems a bit pricier overall. I am also possibly considering staying in Texas and just moving north to the Dallas region, North and South Texas are totally different areas with different cultures, but I feel like I would hate Dallas. It seems all about perception and labels, flashy almost, and I don't give a shit about that at all. 

I am really leaning towards Wisconsin, but I need to be careful. I had thought about it slightly before meeting Adam--he is from there, but I need to dissect if my thoughts about moving there now are influenced because of him, or I feel like it would be a good fit for me. I have dated and talked to other men on apps from WI and maybe it's all the dairy they eat up there, but I'm into these midwest dudes. I am friends with a guy at work that lives in WI, and he is also my type (he is married, so that's an absolute no go). And yes, I understand the weather is super harsh, I did spend about 15 years in Utah, although I know WI is worse.

And yes, a reason to move is the dating scene, but I do know it is hell everywhere, so I just expect that.  Texas has been a different experience, even so from California. I was not surprised to find out Texas was a more dangerous state to date in, but dating has and will always be dangerous for women. I was resigned, but now moving towards accepting being single forever. It wasn't what I had planned, and honestly, I would be totally fine with Adam popping around here and there so I have physical intimacy occasionally, but the fucking idiot can't even do that. 

I haven't heard from him since I last talked about it, I think a month and a half ago, and really don't expect to ever hear from him again. I wish I could say I didn't care, but I've dissected a lot and figured out that I really just miss the person I thought he was, you know, the guy he pretended to be, not the person he actually is. I felt so at ease and content, like I was on equal footing with someone in terms of what we offered and how we each desired the other. I am trying to figure out how to feel this way without a man in my life, because I liked feeling that side of myself. I think I am getting there. The consistency I give myself in my day to day, my habits, make me trust myself more and more, and I feel more confident in who I am. It's a process I suppose.