The Ick Has Arrived

Thank the gods, the old and the new, in the light of the seven and all that jazz. 

There is no fallout. 

Well, there was brief yearning, as hormones made there way through my body over the week and into the weekend. My lazy river of thoughts would circle around the events of sleeping with him when I wasn't engaged in work or something that needed full attention. 

I had brief thoughts pop up questioning why he compliments me, thinks I'm so beautiful, can't believe I'm single, etc., yet doesn't try and date me himself... so he must be lying. Why lie about that? You don't have to say all that, and honestly the way he watches me like a hawk and worships my body, there is no way he doesn't think those things, so why doesn't he act? 

What I am seeking isn’t confirmation that he found me desirable — it’s confirmation that I mattered to him in the same way I allowed him to matter to me.

I care about people that I let into my life, even if they do not deserve it. Most men so far have not, but I do not want to be a shell. I've had a protective coating on myself for so long, so I allow people to matter. The problem comes when I do not hold myself or them accountable for their actions and remove them from my life when I see incongruent, disrespectful, and/or manipulative behavior. 

I have seen Adam. Not all parts, but enough to break whatever spell of yearning and longing he had on me. He is still a charmer, if he reaches out to me when he is next in town and we go out, I'm certain I will have fun. He is surface level. The sex will be fantastic, and that's it. I don't want anything more from him. The version of him I idealized in my head is what I really want in a partner, he is not capable of those actions and behaviors. 

He texted me the following Monday, out of the blue and I was thrown off. I was in a meeting and saw the banner on my phone, it was weird. This is not our standard MO. We have already started the silent game, what is happening? He sent me some photos of his weekend, fishing with his buddy and his buddy's son. He looked handsome-ish for fishing all day, the scenery of the photo was beautiful. We exchanged a few messages and that was it. He was in North Carolina for work that week. 

I got another message later that night, a video... Of him and a buddy smoking cigars in what looked like a garage, blowing smoke to the camera. THE ICK was overwhelming. Who is this man and why am I attracted to him? I was embarrassed honestly, and why are you messaging me this? What is happening? I am confused. I simply responded "Aw boys night" and he said "yes ma'am", and I didn't write him back again. What am I supposed to say? That is not the kind of video I asked for, and cigar smoking is so phallic adjacent, I would have rather you sent me a video of you two doing illicit acts to each other than that. 

So now, as I'm feeling in this moment, I don't think I would respond to him, but he knows the game. Adam knows how to manipulate, to give just enough, to read someone just enough to determine what they need and become that. He also knows that the increased distance and silence between interactions allows for whatever hurt/hormones/feelings to dissipate and people only remember "the good times". The intermittent reinforcement of breadcrumbs of his attention and affections. Adam lacks empathy and accountability, he is not the love story I am looking for. 

I'm tired of not having a love story though. I've gotten really comfortable accepting that it may just never happen for me, and my "great love" will probably just be myself, and that's cool and all, but I don't think it's enough.