My sleep was mediocre. I really hate hotel rooms, I really can't believe I'm going to Adam's hotel room to get absolutely wrecked and have done this multiple times. Now that I'm actually thinking about this logistically, I'm feeling quite cheap. On the flip side, he made a mess of me, and I'd rather a hotel bed and not my sleep setup, so I don't know...
Anyway, he said he needed to be on site early, I said I wanted to leave early to avoid traffic. Neither happened. We both silenced our alarms, in lieu of getting a few more minutes of sleep. He didn't sleep super close to me, but we were slightly touching. He had restless legs, which was really annoying. I had earplugs so I didn't notice the snoring, but... Adam is not a long term partner.
I think I wrote about this before, he lives for the pleasures of today, not tomorrow. There is no consideration for his future self, it's only what there is now. The poor diet, moderate drinking, cigar smoking, womanizing, avoiding medical treatment. I know there is no future with him. Emotional me is still catching up with my logical side, in the meantime I'm enjoying having sex with him, but that will eventually lose my interest.
You would think "why are you with this mess of a man?" he doesn't appear like this, he is put together, handsome (at least to me), funny and charming. I've discovered his negatives through simple observation and some conversation. It's not hard to suss out when you work in the healthcare world.
We had sex again before finally getting out of bed, even without all the foreplay and his extra attentions, the sex is good, great even. I was slightly sore from the night before, but not terribly so. I think I am glad he was only in town for 2 evenings this time. I used the restroom and he showered while I got dressed and packed up my things. I don't remember what we talked about, nothing important. We had our things and he walked me to my car.
"Let me know when you make it home, traffic looks bad"
Moi: I will, and it does look terrible. Oh well.
We hugged and kissed a bit
Moi: "I hope I see you soon"
Adam: "Oh you will, I may have to play the sabatour today and they will have to call me back sooner than later"
Moi: "Are you speaking French to me? Get back in that hotel room right now, lets go"
Adam: "NO, I'm not, I'm going to sabotage, just sabotage, please I have nothing left"
Moi: "I know that's right"
I left, traffic was absolutely terrible, it took me almost an hour to get home and I couldn't figure out how to turn on my interior console lights, like the buttons. I had to flick on the headlights 😞... I never turn my headlights on since I do not normally drive at night and my day runners have always been enough when I drive around at dusk. I'm such a silly goose 🙃. I've driven my car at night before, it's just been a long time. It was the same deal for my Prius, I guess I just always thought my headlights were on...
Adam ended up texting me almost 15 minutes prior to me making home asking if I got in okay. I appreciate his concern, even if it is just to alleviate his guilt and also a tactic to make women think he cares. What would he do if I were in an accident? The answer is nothing. I do like the consideration either way, it's just that I see it for the rehearsal act it is, not sincerity.
The detachment is real this time around. It was really weird because I figured he wore a mask, that he was mirroring me most of the time (hindsight), but this time, when we were out at dinner, it was so obvious. It was literally like I watched him put it on and take it off. The stories he told were to entertain me, like he was letting me into his life and that was fine, but I keep going back to the way our conversation flowed and him lacking curiosity about me. Our conversation opened naturally, but there wasn't much inquiry on his side, and when I first mentioned it to Jaime when I was recounting events, she asked how I felt about that, and I said, maybe I am making too much of it, we've gone on quite a few dates so maybe this is just how our conversation has naturally developed.
But no, maybe conversations with my best friends are a rundown of events, but we still share emotional vulnerable moments and ask each other for advise, not just recount stories. We are also sharing details of our day and feelings, that's really what was missing. Was this just male conversation though? IDK.
I am not confused on what we are, I am not hoping we will be anything more than what we are currently. My emotional side that yearns to try and earn his love and affections is catching up, and I think will always try and speak up and whisper to me "do this, try harder", but I am not engaging with nonsense, only hot meaningless sex.
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