We chatted about our horrible road rages on the way back and laughed it up because we were mimicking how we'll be mid conversation and be like "HELLO, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE, so anyway, I told my boss that...", we take out the pent up rage in the car. We got back to the hotel, made sure both our cars were locked, and headed up.
I put my bag down and organized a few things while he used the bathroom, I was waiting to start my interrogation face to face where I could raise my voice. Adam came out and sat on the bed, patting the side next to him.
"Did you request this room, specifically?"
Adam: wary "noo, this is just what they assigned me"
Moi: "hmm, interesting, did you notice that your room number is the same as my apartment number?"
Adam: "Oh, no I didn't"
Moi: "I feel like this is a universe coincidence and I don't like the universe fucking with me and these signs, I don't think it's funny, are you doing magic, maybe it's your sex magic affecting me!!"
He just laughed and pulled me in for a kiss but I am serious. I don't like this kind of coincidence and I am really wondering if he is this conniving. But soon I wasn't thinking about anything, so that's better. After, we were laying there and he was talking again about how he is shocked I'm not off the market and the men here don't know how to date. I asked if men in Wisconsin look like him and he said that a lot of us have that look, so I replied that maybe I will move there after all and he told me that he will have to go to Ireland if I move to Wisconsin. Which didn't really make sense until it clicked.
"Why to find another redhead?"
Adam: "exactly"
As if he could make it any plainer that he doesn't want me. I don't understand if this is playfulness, it doesn't make sense to me. If he thinks it's shocking that men are not lined up to date me, he is lucky that I am not seeing anyone and he can take me out, that he poses this fake jealously if I were to move to Wisconsin and find an Adam look-alike, why not just be intentional with me now? He cannot fake his attraction to me, his obsession with my body, his dedication to pleasing me orally, fucking me three times in one night and once again in the morning, he is 44 for fucks sake and has COPD, he practically dies after coming. Yet, he is relentless with me, and a man that is not attracted to a woman isn't doing all that. They are going to get off and get them gone. Not ask them to stay the night, not give unasked compliments, not ask them on dates instead of just trying to get them to their hotel room.
This is frustrating, but I didn't take the bait.
"What went through your head when we went out in January and you walked me to my car and you asked if you could take me out again, and I fumbled around saying, "well, yes, but do you want to see more of me tonight, like at your hotel?""
Adam: "hahaha, no thoughts, a breeze went through my head. I was literally just like HOLY SHIT FUCK YES I DO, but that wasn't why I asked you out, but of course I hoped to have you again"
Moi: "did you judge me because I parked at the hotel and had an overnight bag, I planned that"
Adam: "hell no, you were just prepared. With some people I go out with, it's just a waste of time, they are not engaging or interesting, they are a drip. Maybe it's a simple meal and we go back to the hotel and hook up and then I feel like shit about myself. This is not that, if all you wanted was to go out on dates and not hook up, I would gladly take you because I truly enjoy your company, your intelligence and quick wit. You being sexy as hell and letting me touch you is just a bonus..
Shit okay.. I'm going to be vulnerable here, but anyone that I am with just had to understand that I am living my life for me, I spent 10 years in a marriage I didn't want to be in, I was living for someone else's dreams, and I want to live my life on my own terms. I work hard so I can retire in 10 years, I have my side business, I want to vacation, go fishing, smoke cigars and drink whiskey."
I just hummed in response to his statement. What would I say to that? I already told him I wanted more when he was here in January and he did fuck all nothing but tell me "I have nothing to offer you, I'm sick" and that was it. Now, here he is telling me that it's his way or the highway. He is looking for connection without responsibility or accountability and that is not a thing. You say you want to find a sexy redheaded intelligent woman that you have a great connection with, okay I check off all of those, add in the caveat that I'm fucking sex fiend and our physical chemistry is off the charts, but do you truly think an intelligent woman is just going to follow your dreams and not have desires and goals of her own? No. And you are delusional if you think so.
Honestly, I am the closest he can get to living a nomad lifestyle because I work from home and I am able to be remote from anywhere in the US. I did not say any of that though, why would I? He's offered me nothing but good company for dates and good sex. That's all.
We started to engage in sex again and he asked to start without a condom, I said no. Oh I wanted him to, badly, but no. I will not cross that line with him. Unless we are in a committed relationship with a current STI test that comes back clean, condoms will always be used. And honestly he travels so much for work, I don't know if I could trust him for a relationship anyways.
I got ready for bed after, I had brought a pair of pajamas, ear plugs, my eye mask, and of course my mouth guard. We brushed our teeth, I did my skincare and tied up my hair, I had my eye mask on like a headband and I was on the side of the bed putting on lip balm and lotion and Adam commented that I looked beautiful. I said "oh this isn't even my full sleep get up, I usually have my hair in a silk bonnet, since I'm growing it out, and the piece de resistance is my CPAP mask, as I have light sleep apnea"
Adam: "Oh, you have a CPAP? I've wanted to try that"
Moi: "What do you mean, your doctor didn't order one when you were diagnosed?"
Adam: "I didn't go back"
Moi: "I'm sorry, what..?"
Adam: "After I was diagnosed, I didn't go back for any further testing"
Moi: "Adam, seriously, you need to ask for a sleep study, that's one of the first things they will do when treating for COPD, and I can tell you that you do have sleep apnea, just from sleeping next to you, it's probably severe enough to be on BIPAP therapy"
Adam: "What's that?"
Moi: "It's dual or Bi pressure therapy so it inhales and exhales almost, or that's how I understand it. I used to be on that, but now I'm diagnosed with light sleep apnea, I can go without my CPAP, but I prefer not to... Just look into it is all"
I doubt he will. I don't even think he has health insurance, but you can do tests at home and pay out of pocket. I didn't say any of that, it's not my place, even if I was his wife it wouldn't be my place. Honestly, the caretaker/codependent/Healthcare worker in me was SCREAMING most of the time I was with him. He doesn't take care of himself, but it's not my job to tell him to do anything else. He's a grown man, and he has made this whole prophecy of "all the men in my family don't live past 55" thinking he is going to die in 12 or so years, like yeah, at the rate you are going, you would be lucky.
Anyway, I think he likes the normalcy of me getting ready for bed, as he watches my every move like a hawk. When I tell you he is obsessed with me, or I get that feeling when we are together, I am not kidding. He is always touching me, watching me, making me laugh, or making me moan. Even though I am being detached and reminding myself of what this situation is, if he felt a shift, which I think he did, it hasn't deterred him. Adam is very observant, he even noted that when recalling a story over dinner, something like "I observe people as well, and notice details" (he wasn't talking about me), which does let me know that he probably has a mask just as good as mine. He talks more than me though, but I am uncertain of my tells. Probably facial expressions, I don't really hide those.
When I got into bed next to him, he wrapped himself around me, pulling me in close for kisses and caressing me again, a predator and his prey. I didn't pull my sleep mask down yet and he asked if it was light tight, which it is, then I had to make a Batman joke and was like no one really cared who I was until I put on the mask, I'm not sure he's seen the Dark Knight Rises unfortunately. It kind of went over his head. Fucking loser! Lol.
We had sex a third time, and god, we just fit together so perfectly, this is really frustrating. Adam is so my type, and I don't experience this often or much at all. I don't know if I ever have been with someone that is this much my type before, and on the flip side, me being his type. But he only wants connection without accountability.
The sex is the best I've had in my life, but I know it's not the best I'm capable of. That happens when there is emotional safety, trust, and love involved. I am detached from him, but I am not sure if there will be fallout, we will see how things go this week once he is gone and our silent game has started again.
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