Howdy.

"Howdy. How've you been?"

An unexpected text from Adam on a Sunday afternoon in October. I didn't see anything for a while, as his thread is muted and I was busy cooking and listening to an audiobook that afternoon. I am kind of grateful for that, as three hours had passed when I finally looked at my phone and saw missed messages from my other muted threads and this. 

I sat on my couch staring at my screen. Damn. I never thought I would hear from him again, and did I summon him yesterday? I was feeling peak sexual, to a breaking point really. Like I was considering getting back on the dating apps peak sexual. This timing is just too good for this to be a coincidence. Do I want to deal with this again? Can I deal with this again? Can I keep going without intimacy and touch though?

I think I can continue on abstinent, and I could just go get a massage. But I didn't I say previously that it would be nice for him to pop in occasionally for some sex that I know will be great and then go away? Sex always has a fall out for me though...

I responded, we talked, he told me that he would be in San Antonio for a couple days and if my relationship status allowed, he would like to take me out on a date while he was around. I said it allows and I would be up for that, and he asked tonight, tomorrow, or both? I asked when he would get in town tonight and he called me. 

We chatted and caught up a bit, he would be in around 8pm, and offered to take me to dinner, but then confessed he already ate since I hadn't responded to him before, he thought I was blowing him off. He still offered, even if he didn't eat anything and I interrupted him there. 

"Adam, lets not pretend we aren't adults here, why I don't I just go to your hotel instead of fapping about regarding a date. We both know why you messaged me"
Adam: "No, that's not, I mean, yes, I want to, sex with you is amazing, but I do want to take you out on a date. I like being with you, our conversation, and if it leads to sex, great, but that's not why I reached out. I really just want to see you, I legitimately want to take you out"

Well, that's nice, but I want dick. I don't want to pretend anything, or get too attached or hopeful. Just fuck me. So I showered and headed to the hotel. 

I was wearing this black matching set from Old Navy, straight legged stretchy pants, and a cropped cardigan and tank top under that, my figure was very visible, which he loves. I didn't bring an overnight bag, I was not planning on staying over and being cuddly like that, I don't want this to cross the lines. I told myself going into this that this is casual, he is not a boyfriend, this isn't closeness, the physical intimacy doesn't indicate closeness. 

When I saw him, I felt a bit shut down. It was hard to look him in the eye, it wasn't that I was nervous, I think it was the hurt I experienced from him. I was happy to see him, but also shy I suppose, and I think the hurt would have been visible if I met his eyes for some reason. 

We walked up to his room and he showed me some photos of when he was in Canada and we were cuddled close looking at the pictures and just connecting. After a moment, he put it away and he kissed me, pulling back and saying

"When I saw you getting out of the car, I just, holy fuck. You look so much better than I remember, you're so feminine and your body is so perfectly curvy. You make me nervous, you are so beautiful"

He was very complimentary, as per usual. Calling me perfect, beautiful, gorgeous. The sex was insanely good, and although I felt him touching me, it almost felt like I had a layer of saran wrap over me. There was a layer of disconnection for me. I didn't attach to him, I wanted him, but not the whole, not more than what he was giving. We laid there after and he was caressing my body and playing with my hair, which he also complimented.

We talked between sessions, and I asked him if he got my sex magic SOS from yesterday, and I explained my peak sexual day, and he was like "oh yeah, I did get that, it must have broke the machine I'm here to repair". I love our inside joke about my witchy-ness. I gave him shit about not hearing from him for so long, and he was like "well, you never texted me when you were in Houston" and I told him I haven't been, and I wouldn't think if I was in Houston, he would be there at the same time, which he said was a fair assumption. 

He told me that he was here in July and considered reaching out, but the job was actually in Austin and he came down here just for the afternoon and had to go back up that night, so he didn't have a full evening here to take me out and it was the middle of the day so it would be him taking me to lunch, "I didn't want to bother you during the day, I know you work from home, and didn't think you could get away". I told him that I am salary, and I can pretty much do what I want if I don't have a meeting scheduled, and that can usually be worked around if I have a heads up. He acknowledged that now that he knows, he would keep it in mind. 

I just don't understand if he is so obsessed with me and my body, he expresses our sexual compatibility is off the charts, he likes being around me and talking, he thinks I'm so beautiful and he was even surprised I swiped right on him to being with, as he didn't think I would, why he doesn't do anything more about it. I understand that I am giving him what he actually wants (sex), but I do think that I could just go on a date with him and go home and he'd be just as satisfied. 

I told him that you Midwestern boys seem to love me, but these Texan men do not. He responded that he thinks these Texan men are absolutely stupid, fucking stupid, and he is shocked that I am still on the market and there isn't a line of men waiting in the wings to date me. I told him that I wouldn't know at this point because I'm no longer dating. He questioned it and I just said it wasn't worth the hassle for me anymore, I really just don't want to and I haven't been on the apps in months. 

Anyway, we had a loose date planned for dinner the next night. What's nice about seeing him so far apart is that he confirmed any changes in my body, I told him I think I've lost and kept about 10 pounds off since I've seen him and he guessed the same and while I said that I thought most of the loss was from my breasts, he said from his perspective it was from my midsection, which is nice to hear. He also thinks my butt looked a bit rounder, which made me glad. The glute routine I do is a lot of work and it hasn't had a lot of visible payoff, but I know I built some solid muscle. I also just happen to have a very hourglass figure, so the extra fat or tissue on my butt and hips hides a lot of the muscle growth I've gained.

I did not tell him I wanted him beyond when he was actually inside me and I was dirty talking. I did not express wanting anything more than he was giving, I did not have any emotional outbursts or loss of composure. It was detached sex, and honestly, it could have been so much better. I think that time was probably some of our best sex together, which is saying something, but I know I have much stronger orgasms in me that he cannot lure out because of the detachment. I feel like access to those is only when trust, safety, and love are in the mix, and I am glad my best is being guarded, but I hate that my most intense connection and genuine felt attraction is to a man that only says he wants me.