Forward

I really really don't want you to blame yourself, and think that moving to Texas was a huge mistake.  You weren't happy in San Diego, even before you met Miles, you weren't happy.  You can't change it now, there is no time machine.  You would have always regretted it if you didn't go, so consider this a lesson learned, it was an experience and you are better for it.  Grow from it, it's all you can do.

That's what my best friend told me the other day on the phone.  She is right.  I'm a grown woman and I made the choice to leave a going nowhere job in a city that I felt 'done' with.  I still love San Diego, but it's in my past, just like all the many fuck boys I dated that live there.

It's easy for me to say that I'm happy because I'm not alone yet.  The fondness I have for Miles is being quenched.  Although I miss his beardy kisses, I don't feel overwhelming anxiety or confusion about what is going on, or what he is thinking, or questioning deep down if I'm really happy in the relationship.  It's a relief.  Sooner than I think we will be on our own, and perhaps that will affect me more than I realize.

Most importantly I'm not feeling like I'm unworthy of physical touch and love anymore (not 100%, but I'll get there).  I was in this shitty place, I felt like Miles just found me repulsive or something, and I felt desperate for affection, even the smallest acts.  However, the last few months, his touch felt so empty that it didn't even feel worth it most of the time.  Sometimes it felt genuine, but most of the time, it felt like an obligation to him.  That's a terrible thing to feel as the receiver.  And you can tell the difference.

Part of me wishes that he would realize what he lost and come to his senses, but I assume that is everyone's wish who puts the work into a relationship that is not mirrored.  But I want someone who realizes what he has when he has it, not once he's lost it.

At this moment, my only next plans are to clean out the master bedroom and move my things there.  I ordered a excellent rated air mattress from Amazon, and we have Miles' old box spring in there that I will put it on.  We still need to replace the blinds in that room, and I would like to paint it.  I purchased a color for our bedroom when I redid the office in April, and I never painted the bedroom.  So, now I can paint my bedroom, hang up some curtains (maybe), and finish hanging up some art.

I didn't want to buy a real bed because we are moving this year, and it's just a hassle to move, and takes up so much space.  Plus, although I've always been an advocate of firm mattresses, when I sleep on our couch I don't have as much hip/back pain and it's quite soft.  So, I'm hoping it's not too uncomfortable, some reviews recommended getting a memory foam topper, so I might think about that.

I'm reluctant to live in the Master bedroom because the A/C isn't very strong on that side of the house, and it's exposed to the sun, full blast.  The bedroom we use now is shaded by a large tree and is on the same side of the house where the A/C is.  Miles said he is flexible, but moving the sleigh bed will be a huge pain in the ass.  I guess if it's really hot I can sleep on the couch, since it's a middle ground (still gets tree shade and decent A/C).

Also, there is a wall full of cabinets/cupboards.  I use it for storage for things that don't fit in the kitchen, but if someone is going to live in that room, it would be nice to remove them.  Although, that would cost us, and the floor underneath isn't redone, you can still see carpet under the cabinets, so we would have to sand and stain that.  That's a lot of work, but could be worth it, monetarily wise.  I'm not sure though, Miles and I are going to get an estimate from the handyman we've used in the past.  We are going to just put the cabinets in the garage, since they are in good condition.

Lots of work to be done, a worthwhile venture, plus I do love a good mini renovation/redesign.  I'll take pics!