The Stages

Although I feel 100% right on the decision to not be together, I'm going through the stages, right now depression.  Maybe it isn't depression and just a I don't want to be around you because you seem not affected in the slightest stage.

It's hard to be around someone who seems happier now than when he was when we were together.  And since we have been "broken up" he has had a friend over (who I really liked), and is planning a trip to see an old college friend in Dallas in April, and conversing more with a friend in Seattle.  Someone might think that I stopped any of these from happening.  False.  Miles doesn't cultivate his friendships very well, if at all, and expects the other party to do the work, then gets annoyed/hurt when he doesn't hear from his friends.

I encouraged him so many times to hang out with the people that he worked with or do something other than hang out with me.  Send emails to old friends, renew relations with his sisters, call another friend that lives in Atlanta (That I met in late 2016).  He just doesn't 'do his part' in friendships, or relationships for that matter.

I was working out yesterday and thinking about the future.  I know it's very soon, but you get into that mind space of "will I ever find someone again", "will I be able to trust them to do xyz again", as if Miles was the last guy on the planet.  The answer is yes, but only if I want it.  Now that I know myself a lot better, in terms of what I want from a relationship, I think it will be a lot easier to weed out what I really want and need from a person.

Then I started to think about why he checked out of the relationship.  Why he didn't want to make this work, what was so terrible about me?  Which is the completely wrong approach to have.  Besides, part of it was too much strain placed on me and the relationship to be "everything".  Like I said, he doesn't cultivate his relationships.

He hasn't said what made him check out, and although I tried to work on our relationship, a part of me was over it as well.  I don't think I would ever reveal to him why I don't want to be with him, and I'm not sure he would tell me his reasons either.  Honestly, I don't want to know.  Really thinking it through, it won't help me grow to know what bad things someone thinks of me.  I don't give a fuck.

I especially do not care to know things from someone who did something like string me along, just so he wasn't alone.  I don't respect that at all.  So, coming from him, even though I still have love for him, I don't fucking care what you have to say.

So, there is no reason for me to be depressed, I know it's normal, and probably sociopathic if I wasn't sad, but there are a lot of things about Miles that I never talked about.  I know that everyone comes with baggage, but it was a lot.  And we were dealing with it, but there were times when I would think, I'm not sure I want to deal with this forever.  I don't like to be vague, but I don't think it's okay to talk about, and even though we are ex, it doesn't make it okay to open the laundry basket, so to speak.  I'm truly better off, even if I'm financially scared about my future.  I make it, I always do.

Anyway, my room is not coming along.  We called our handyman a week or more ago and he hasn't gotten back to us.  We tried taking out the cabinets and they are very stuck, the screws are rusted in.  I just looked up a handyman on Angie's List, so I hope he has time to take care of this soon because I want my own dedicated space.  The office is pretty much "mine", but not entirely.

Anyway, better make some calls.