"How Are You?"

A question that Miles asked me last week.

"In terms of what's going on, or how I am today?"
Miles: "Well, both I guess"
Moi: "I'm good.  I feel happy in general, relieved almost.  However beyond that, there is a lot of anger towards you inside of me"
Miles: "I understand"

We talked for a little while about that, and Miles explained that he still very much wants us to remain friends and be close and I was just thinking, yeah that's a privilege.  You don't get everything you want dude.  Yes, we are on friendly terms, and living together is going fine... so far.  However, I think that we both wanted out of the relationship recently and just didn't want to do it, but that wasn't always the case with me.  Which I also explained to him.  Then I said..

"You know, if I really try to dissect it and get to the root of my anger, the thing that keeps repeating is the feeling that you threw me away, and it makes me so angry with you, and also makes me feel like a piece of shit"

Miles hugged me and apologized, he said he's felt that way and wishes I didn't feel that way.

So we are obviously going to have to try and be on friendly or decent terms, which honestly isn't a real issue.  Yes, I'm angry, but I've never been a person to yell or scream at someone in anger, I actually can't think of that happened.  I did tell him that my guard is up, and I think he felt slighted about that, which I don't care.  Not my problem.  I don't need to tell you everything I'm thinking or dreaming about, that's my business.

I'm keeping things civil, and really, it's not hard.  I think our romantic relationship died a while ago.  I'm not sure when, obviously when one of us checked out, but it is what it is.  I can be mad about it, which I am at times, but being angry or holding a grudge isn't going to help me feel any better.  A very grown up thing for me to do, but I also realize that Miles wasn't/isn't my only option.  I also know myself, and I would regret being a complete bitch.  Some people may deserve it, and certainly given how I've felt towards Miles in the recent past, maybe he does, but he's not a dick to me, and wants to do the right thing.  Stringing me along wasn't cool, but I also let it happen.

So, how am I really?  I'm fine, good actually.  Right as rain.*  I've already reactivated my dating account to take a look at the merchandise around here, and it's not as terrible as I thought.  But it's still online dating, so terrible.  Is that too soon?  Well, IDGAF.  It's not like I'm going on dates, but honestly, I won't be this young and beautiful forever, no time to waste.  Like I've said in my last post, its felt like our relationship has been over for a while.  The romance aspect was far removed.

Honestly my focus is concentrated on completing the Whole 30 right now, finding a new, not as expensive gym, and getting back to my Loss Boss status.  I'm glad I started the Whole 30 when I did, as the desire to drown some sorrows in a threesome with Ben and Jerry were right on the money.  I'm still craving ice cream, but that's because ice cream is fucking delicious.  If you don't think so, you're wrong.

*yes, I'm this nerdy, and if you get this reference, so are you!