Haunted House

Well, he's gone. 

With Waffles as well, which just breaks my heart that much more.

Wednesday night he asked me if I wanted to say goodbye then, because he was going to wake up early to start his drive.  I said sure and we hugged.  I figured I would see him in the morning anyway.  He hugged me tightly and said I'm going to miss you, as he rubbed his thumb up and down on my back.  I said me too because I'm an asshole.

I mean, I was going to miss him, and I do miss his companionship, but I don't know.  I'm just angry underneath it all. 

I thought about it a little in bed that night.  Miso was snug'd up against my left side, and Waffles on the right.  But, fell asleep like normal.  I try and get up at 6AM to start my day, as I clock in at 630AM.  I was up and dressed, Miles was finishing breakfast and starting to pack the little things in his car.  I collected Waffles and hugged him tightly to me, growls and all.  I kissed his cheeks and told him I love you so so much, and put him in his crate. 

Miles was done and loaded Waffles into the car.  I had to close the garage for him, since he gave me his clicker.  We stood in the humid garage and hugged again.  A tight hug and awkward well, goodbye... He stepped back and I saw his eyes redden, and mine were getting tearful. 

"Well, take care"
Moi: "I'll try"

Miles made a grimace and I thought he was going to say something nice, but I touched my finger to the side of his jaw and said okay go.  Why I did that, I don't know. 

I went back into the house, into my office, Miso trailing me.  I logged into my work computer, looked out the office window and saw his tail lights in the dark morning, turning out of our driveway, onto our street, and out of my life. 

Then the flood of that's the last time... blah blah, came in.  I cried most of the day.  My eyes were so swollen and I was so tired.  I tried not to think about it, that didn't work.  I allowed myself to grieve, be sad, cry it out, let that space empty out so I can make room for something else.  Throughout the day I noticed little things he left and got annoyed.  I felt like these were things he didn't want and left behind, just like me. 

Okaaaaay so, obvious abandonment issues there.  It's like I forgot how unhappy I was.  Now I've decided just to mourn the companionship factor.  We worked well living together, it was comforting.  We supported each other.  But that resentment underneath that I had festering... that was not a healthy thing. 

The next day, no tears.  Little to no self pitying thoughts.  Just missing Waffles, and trying not to get exasperated with Miso's clinginess.  Miso needs a friend, but do I really want to deal with a kitten, oh god.  He is a serious scaredy cat, I'm not sure how he will react to a new cat, but he loved to cuddling with Waffles, and chirping at the cats that live in the backyard.  We'll see. 

In the meantime, I have many projects to occupy my time.  Renovation is still going on, which is really pissing me off.  I'm also going to paint up Miles' old room, and perhaps the living room.  The house is very empty though, no dining table, no real media furniture, and I would like to get a console table for the space behind the couch.  Yikes, $$$.  I'm working a ton of overtime starting the last part of July and almost all of August.  No life for me.