I Won't Save You

How did men get the "she's doing well and has moved on, I must try and fuck things up" sensor?  Like, just born with it?  I swear all men have this, especially men I've dated. 

So, Miles has expressed wanting to move back to San Antonio, and of course, the house.  Things aren't so well living and working in the city love of his life, San Diego.  Couldn't imagine why.  Actually, I can.

He has no friends, hasn't put himself out there to make new friends or start dating again, he is romanticizing the past he had while living here, his new job has him working overnight and he hates it, he isn't great on learning the new EMR system that his new hospital uses, he hasn't found new healthcare providers for therapy/prescriptions, he took himself off his anti-depressant that he's been on for like 8 years.

So, yeah, those are just a few reasons.  He tells me that he misses the house, and me, and his old hospital, and the coworker friends he made there.  However, I also lived with him and heard him complain about how boring San Antonio is, there is no where "beautiful" to run, and general complaints about Texas--obviously the weather being the biggest one. 

This isn't the first time he has thought about this.  It's kind of annoying because when he tells me this shit, I start to thinking about it more and more and kind of obsess over if he is going to move back, which is frustrating.  Also, although he has expressed that he misses me, he hasn't expressed a desire to get back together, which good. 

HOWEVER.... We talked about the situation on Wednesday, because he expressed something about selling the house, so I was like, oh shit.  No, he wanted to know if I was still planning on selling in 2019 because of his desire to move back.  Okay, so we chat about that, pros and cons, whatever.  He tells me that he is going to talk with his mom and get some feedback from her as well.  Literally the next morning I have an email from his mom about how he is feeling, and also, some things she said concerned me.

"Seems like you're starting to grow roots in San Antonio ...... what more can you ask for? Maybe an additional cat and a partner/ex-boyfriend?"

"I think he is in the process of figuring out what really matters to him in this life, and it seems to have to do with the relationship with you and the home the two of you have made"

At the end of the email she told me that Miles' dad told Miles to invite me to Christmas, and she also invited me to come out. 

No. 

I feel like Miles is talking to me a different way than he is talking about me to his parents.  If he wants to move out here to try and rekindle something with me, he hasn't expressed that to me.  And he should do so before moving here because my answer is no. 

I've been thinking about it a lot this week (since this conversation started), and I just don't see it.  And I've tried to see it.  I've tried to picture how it would look in my mind.  What if he wants me to come out to San Diego so he can ask me to start dating again?  What if he is going to make some grand gesture if I were to go out there?  There were parts of our relationship that worked very well, but Miles was never the guy for me, there isn't that strong pull to him.  I know that if I were to get into a relationship with him again I would be settling.  Furthermore, he hasn't changed.  I do think it's possible for a guy to realize what he has lost and try to do better the next time, but the "next time" is generally with a new person. 

I feel like his family sees me as some girl that can save him or something.  Everyone has commented on how much Miles has grown while being with me, but not realizing that it's because he took nutrients from me to do so.  I suffered from his growth. 

If he wants to move out here, and just be house mates and hang out or whatever, that is his choice.  This house is 50% his, I cannot tell him he can't move here.  I can certainly dissuade his from doing so by trying to influence his choice to stay in San Diego, and I've done that to an extent. 

If he moves here, strong boundaries will be enforced.  I am dating, I'm actively looking for someone new, and he has to accept this. 

Ugh.

I need a box of Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Joe-Joe's stat.  (not because I'm binge eating, but because they are tasty and I've been craving them for the last week, and it's holiday Trader Joe's time, yayayay!)