The question is not whether someone else thinks I am a loser, the question is whether I think I am a loser.
The answer is sometimes.
In reality, I am only feeling this way because I am comparing myself to others. To where other people are at versus where I am at, and really, where is that? Who really cares. I have money in my savings account, thankfully. I have a retirement, a car that is paid, a house to live in. I can afford to treat myself here and there, and am still thrifty about things. I just finished school, which I really didn't even celebrate myself for doing, but I sure as shit beat myself up for taking so long to do.
Yet, my friends are all married, almost all my siblings are married. Three out of four of my younger siblings are married and have kids! I am boyfriendless (perhaps unboyfriendable), and have an ex that is still in love with me. Cool.
I wish I didn't see that societal expectation of having a sig other or being married or having children as a marker of success, and really, I don't care 98% of the time. I certainly do not care to have children about 100% of the time, but I do wish I had a partner. Someone to have my back. I know I have the time to start dating again, but fuck it's so garbage out there.
I am so fucking over being "strong". I AM FUCKING OVER IT. And yes, I know that a husband or wife may not have your back someday as well, but that's a different situation that generally (not always) has signs leading up to it. I know that I have to be there for myself, take care of myself, and "parent" myself, but I feel like I've been doing that forever. Even when I was a kid and my parents didn't give me that care, and I'm fucking tired.
I am so tired. And I am definitely in a PMDD depression right now, but that doesn't mean these feelings are not valid, but they are just feelings and not necessarily fact. I'm sure I have a great screenshot regarding letting myself feel my feelings but also ways to manage them and now I can't find it. Fantastic.
Anyway, there is an update on my life. The usual bullshit. I actually would like to start writing more, now that I am done writing papers every week for school, so hopefully this is something I will keep up with.
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3 comments:
I know you already know this, but getting married is not any kind of accomplishment. Almost everyone gets married. Look at the people who are married. Would you want any of their spouses? If you wanted to be married, you could just settle and get married.
I'm 39. I married when I was 35. When I was single, I was alone. Rarely, RARELY dated. I remember it well. Being married is not a better life than being single. It's just a different life.
If I had had a close girlfriend who did not want to get married and we lived together and traveled and all of that, I probably wouldn't have gotten married. I've been ready to Golden Girls it up my whole life.
I miss blogging. Especially now when my life is in turmoil again. I suggest you read "Attached. The new science of adult attachment".
We don't need a partner. They are nice to have but they are not necessary they bring as much pain as they do pleasure. We need to learn how to take care of ourselves.
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