The first Christmas that Miles and I were together and went to San Diego, we saw his therapist together. I didn't request this, his therapist suggested it. It was then that he said that Miles and I were in a relationship with a third, his addiction.
I knew he was an addict, because he told me before we had sex. Mind you we went on quite a few dates before we finally got in bed together, but at that point I could have ended things, had I understood what being an addict was. Honestly, this many years into knowing him, I barely scratch the surface of understanding what being an addict entails, and I'm not interested in going deeper. However, the one thing I learned about addiction is that the addiction will always come first. Always. Whether it's cravings or using or managing the addiction.
After a few years of sobriety, managing the addiction becomes less time consuming, it's something that some people can do by attending meetings a few times a month or whatever else is involved. Miles is not anywhere at that point. He wasn't at that point when we dated back in San Diego either. He was sober, and attending outpatient therapy weekly to help manage his addiction and for whatever else people go to therapy for. I don't know how long he was sober for when we met, a few months I believe, I asked him when he told me about his history.
I had no experience with being around addicts. Yes, a few guys I dated I was suspicious of them being alcoholics, Nick the Dick mainly, I think he had a drinking problem. I didn't understand the complexity of it, or the behaviors around it. Call me naive, sure, I totally was. But unless you are actively involved with an addict, or perhaps related to someone who uses, you may not know about the secret behaviors, the lies, and the different ways they act around you when they are using.
Miles didn't have some instantaneous pull on me. I think the way that addicts are portrayed in film is that they are this magnet and the chemistry is intense and blah blah blah. Miles is/was not like that. When he was using (unbeknownst to me), he was a good boyfriend, great even. Loving and affectionate, happy. This is different from his introverted and quiet normal way. The difference was so slight that it could have come across from him just having a great day.
Anyway, his addiction and using wasn't the reason we broke up, although it didn't help. There were certainly times that I caught him and found his stash and threatened to end the relationship. But I had my own pain and trauma and need to be in the relationship, to not be left alone, to believe--but not really believe--that he would choose me over the drugs. Someone would finally choose me! I would be worth it!
I wasn't. I've learned since the end of the relationship (through therapy, self learning, and reaching personal goals) that I am worthy, I advocate for myself. I've learned it, but practicing it every day, that's another thing.
So if you follow me on Twitter, you know that Miles was fired, this is why. He finally got caught deviating meds. His twin sister told me that she doesn't think this is his rock bottom, I told her I wasn't sure, but I also don't care. It isn't my problem, it is only my problem when he cannot afford his part of the house. I told him that when we get close to that point (3-4 months), we will have a discussion about selling the house.
I love this house, I love it so much, but I am ready to move on. I don't want to see him everyday, or at all. Things have been getting better since I've established boundaries and spend more time caring for myself, and indulging in my own interests, but I will still get caught in strong currents of depression. Seeing him everyday is a reminder of my bad decisions and I really spend too much time beating myself up over them. My therapist and I have reframed it as he was what I needed at the time to grow into who I am now... I feel like the last few months I've been molting or starting to shed my old skin, like some kind of snake. I should find a cuter animal that molts to compare myself to. Either way, molting is hard work and I'm tired.
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3 comments:
I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. He chose alcohol over me in the end. Now I wish I hadn't waited so long to end it.
Jesus I never know Miles was an addict. The drug always comes first. Billy does what ever she has to do to get it. That is why I am afraid she will show-up telling me whatever I want to hear when she needs the money. I do not know how you can be in the same house as him. That is something different between women and men. I think the just have an off switch. Addicts will always be addicts, at best they are recovered.
I always felt one day Billie would wake up and get clean. Instead she is just in fantasy land. She doesn't think so, she thinks she thought about it all. But she is not seeking help. I can tell just from the little things I can still see.
It is hard for me. But her leaving is only benefiting me.
@Lynn I couldn't imagine being with someone who had an addiction that you could go to a store to legally purchase their drug of choice from. I'm glad you are out of that situation.
@Bathwater I never told anyone because I knew what they would say, and moreso, I knew that it was not good for me to be with him, and I didn't want that mirrored back to me. Of course people go their own way, but I already had that sinking feeling that I shouldn't get involved, but kept that to myself. I knew if my close friends expressed concern, I would agree, because it was concerning. I don't like living with him and wish he never moved back. I guess I have an off switch, but I fell out of love with him a long time ago. Sometimes I question if I ever was.
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