First and Second Date #56

I kind of want to call this #55.5 because it was a quick coffee date meet up, but whatevs.  It's easier to label men as numbers.  However, as far as the guy, I'm really quite surprised, he is attractive, very sweet and kind, is an EMT, and is my high school crush fantasy. 

He's just a skater boy, I said see ya later boy!

He was one of those high school JNCO jean wearing dudes that had longish hair with an undercut, that rollerbladed and skateboarded and now has sleeves of neo-traditional tattoos, and is super laid back and casual.  What a dream.  I must fulfill this dating fantasy for my high schooler self that had crushes on these guys that lived down my street and would do their bladin' tricks off the rails of the local elementary school after hours. 

He doesn't have the undercut and long hair now. Shaved head, beard, jeans (that fit) and t-shirt kinda dude.  He's got a wide body that a girl can hold onto, and I like that.

Anyway, after our first date, I was kinda take it or leave it.  He seems closed off, or you could say apprehensive.  I mean, the same can be said about me, he actually reminds me of me in this way, honest, but certainly holding back.  There's a lot going on.  That sounds kind of dumb, but whatever. 

We had coffee on Sunday morning, and texted afterwards, he wanted to see me again later that night, but I didn't want to go out again, so we went out again Monday evening for tea.  The schedule is kind of hit or miss because he is a single dad with two kids.  This is kind of cramping my style, but allows for some reality to creep into that lust bubble that happens when you first date someone. 

Additionally, in my Tinder bio it does say something like "I'm looking for the real deal, but I'm just not sure that I'm gonna find it on Tinder, so I am open to a FWB situation with the right guy" and after some great get to know you chat he dropped the bomb that he has kids, and is open to my FWB suggestion, and not wanting to introduce someone into their life unless its serious, etc.  I am okay with that.  He asked why I would want that and I said I am figuring stuff out right now, and I would like to find a partner, but it just isn't working out that way.  In the meantime, I miss touch and affection.

Yet... During our meet ups and subsequent text messaging, something casual is not what I am getting from him.  And it is not game, I can smell game quickly, and I don't invest when a guy tells me "I'm gonna take you to X and Y" or whatever else, but that is what this guy is doing.  This goes more into me conditioning myself into not speaking about future things when I am dating which.... I think it's problematic.  I don't know.  Either way, I'm trying to keep things a bit more casual and to remind myself that I come first.  Whatever I want or need to do, it needs to be the priority. 

Anyway, our tea up meet Monday night was very welcome as my company laid off a bunch of people on Monday morning, luckily my friend and I did not get cut, but people I work with on a very small team did, so that was CLOSE.  I was a mess of anxiety all day.  I was leaning on the railing waiting for him and he starts walking up to me as I'm safety texting my friend and does that flirty whistle to me.  It made me laugh out loud for real. 

I have also learned that his ex wife was a drug addict, and he has gone to al-alon meetings and worked through that baggage... I was really surprised to hear this.  Like I said, a lot in common.  I asked him a bit about al-anon and he was like "so, you know what it is, and I guess you know someone with an addiction" and I told him about Miles.  We didn't go into depths of talking about having a past relationship with an addict, but its nice that he already knows what it's like without me having to describe it. 

We did kiss on our tea date, and that's because we discussed it before we met up, I don't think he would have made the move that soon.  We've discussed the next moves, consent, and what I'm comfortable with via text.  I am going to see him again tonight and he is just excited to grab my butt, so... Yeah.  I mean, that's 3 days in a row. Ugh. 

I'm curious to see how the sex will be, which is not happening tonight!  And unless something happens that I absolutely cannot get over, I will be fulfilling this skater boy romance for my high school self.  If it just ends up being a friendly hook up thing, then we will see how long I can do that before my feelings get in the way.  I mean, after tonight I probably will not see him till the weekend, which will give me some time to chill and sit in my feelings. 

I've kind of turned into a 'signs' person in the last few months.  And I went through a big Instagram purge, removing accounts that made me not feel so great about myself, and adding a lot of counselors and therapists, and the last week, I've kept seeing posts about revealing trauma in relationships, like over and over again.  And maybe this is a "sign" or maybe not; am I wanting a relationship?  Yeah, with the right guy.  Do I want to navigate how complicated that might be dealing with Miles (who got quite jealous when I was dating Robin Hood), and also the fact that this guy has two kids, I don't know. 

What I do know is that I've pressed PAUSE on my romantic and dating life since I ended things with Robin Hood, but that was more to do with hurt feelings, but also since Miles got fired.  He is around all the time and its made me uncomfortable to say that I am leaving to go on a date.  And if I sit with that thought, it's not because I want to be with him or anything like that, it's because I know he is still in love with me, and I don't feel the same, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or rub someone's nose in it.  Which just reiterates that we should not be living together.  I was so much happier alone.  Fuck.  Alright well, if things go further with this dude, then I am going to have a serious conversation with Miles.  I was already planning it for more towards the end of the year, as I wanted to focus more on dating after the holidays, but life has other plans for me I guess.