Up On A Tuesday

The EMT's apartment was small, and I was reminded what it is like having an apartment over a house.  I think my bedroom was the size of his living and dining room, my bedroom is the master bedroom, but it is not that big.  Not big like new development houses where it's like a wing of the house, my home was built in the late 50's.  There is nothing wrong with his smaller apartment, but it was a reality check in regards to what I can expect if I sell my house and move into an apartment here.

Anyway, the evening was fine, we made out some and laid together, just like comfy stuff.  Kissing him after awhile was just okay, there wasn't that excitement that runs through me, it just wasn't there.  Not to say there wasn't any excitement, but it was more steady and like yeah, this is a turn on, but I'm not like revv'd up and wanting it.  Maybe that's because I knew I wasn't going to have sex with him, or that I had already taken care of my needs before I even got there.  I think it's that my fires were already stoked, but it just wasn't super engaging to be honest.

When Robin Hood kissed the back of my fucking plain Jane hand I felt it zing through my entire body, and the first time we kissed, it was like wow.  That zing is not there with this guy, but there is low heat.  I do like him as a person, we have similar interests and hobbies, and he makes me laugh, I'm just uncertain.  I feel like I'm moving backwards.  Let's be real, I want a relationship, a partnership.  I like certainty, safety, and security.  While there is a lot that I need to work on with myself, I want to be able to rely on my partner.  I'm not sure that will happen with this guy. 

The EMT and I didn't talk about hanging out again, I guess that is maybe assumed, I don't know.  When he walked me to my car, I said talk to you later, and he said get home safe.  I had a dirty text message from him a bit after I got home and was changing for bed.  I wrote him back, and he replied with the heart eye emoji.

When I woke up this morning and was checking my apps, I saw that he had unmatched me on Tinder. So whatever that means.  Honestly, I was considering unmatching him as well, only because we were texting and had already met up, but I will admit that I felt a little uneasy about it, like a looming sense of rejection in real life, not just online... A sense of whats to come.

I texted him about a conversation we had and he replied, but seemed uninterested.  It's the basic minimum communication that you get back from guys that are no longer interested, but are too chicken shit to say so, and I'm not getting tangled in this kinda web again.  Grow the fuck up, and at this point, ghosting is a dick move, actually, ghosting in general is terrible, it's not hard to send a text message then block the person if you are really that scared of confrontation. 

As I'm editing this post, I haven't heard from him for the last couple days, so yeah... 👻