The Wall

I was deep in my abandonment issues the last week.  My fear of not being good enough for anyone, not being good enough for myself, not being interesting to a partner, being alone forever, and on and on and on.  It is quite depressing.  You gotta go through it and to get past it.  However, I feel like I'm stuck on the side of this road.

I need to find a new therapist, I don't think mine is doing a great job getting me past this, but then again, will I ever get past this?  It's deep childhood trauma, one of those 'core wounds'.  My core is a void, yet I always feel so excited or hopeful when I meet someone new.  It's definitely the ice exterior, while my insides are sparking with excitement.  I do that with a lot of things that make me happy, how annoying. 

This thinking has also made me wonder how many relationships or possible relationships I have ruining by avoiding and detaching from others.  Avoidant/dismissive is my attachment style, with a side of anxious attachment.  Basically, all of the problems.

I wonder if this is what Robin Hood meant when he said "there is just something about you, I don't know"... What he didn't know or see is what I keep hidden away.  I do it with everyone.  My closest friends, I prefer to listen and hear about them.  Then I feel somewhat resentful, but also know that I can lose anyone because what's to really lose?  Years ago my cousin got really upset with me and gave me the silent treatment for a couple months, I felt slighted, but it was less time where I had to listen to someone else's problems, so it didn't really phase me.  I remember telling myself that if she tries that again I would cut off all contact with her, indefinitely. 

However, I have as of late, began to share more of myself with friends.  It sucks.  It's vulnerability that I'm unfamiliar with.  It shakes my voice and I don't like it.  Was this full stop in getting to know me part of why my relationship with Miles didn't work?  I don't think so, we were in couples therapy for a year and he never mentioned me not opening up.

The EMT told me on our first meeting that he likes to figure out people.  I wonder if he did figure out that people can only get so far with me.  I shared a bit about my past, and that I'm very hard on myself, from there he can figure out some basic generalizations.  What I figured out is that he has the same wall.  Like I've said, we are quite similar.  His questioning style reminded me a lot of my own, figuring people out.  Not offering as much information, protecting yourself.  Wanting intimacy, affection, but hesitation prevails.  I'm not trying to give any credit where it isn't deserved, ghosting is still despicable and he is garbage for doing it.

I haven't really dove into attachment styles, yet.  I know more about mine, but haven't really researched it, but plan to.  There are just so many other things I really need to work on before I start, and all of it is connected in this large web, and it's frustrating.