Nargles

I feel itchy, like all this week.  My scalp and neck are itchy.  It's allergies from whatever the fuck is in Texas spring air, cedar mostly.  This is how my allergies present themselves, itchiness and some nasal congestion.  It's extremely annoying. 

There is also another "itch".... Sometimes I get into a mood where I believe that Miles and I could possibly work again.  And I start to fantasize this future life, where in a couple years we sell the Texas house and move back to San Diego and buy a house there and I don't know, I guess live our lives...?  That's basically when I tell myself to knock if off and Miles is not the guy for you. 

I think it's normal to romanticize the past and want something easy, but our relationship wasn't easy, and it didn't really benefit me with exception of learning exactly what I don't want.  And as far as back sliding into bed with Miles, for what?  A selfish sex session?  No thanks.  There are some ex lovers that I would gladly hop back into bed with, but Miles is not one of them.  There is "too much" of the past, and by the end of our relationship the sex was one sided and terrible. 

In all honestly, I'm not even craving sex, it's more just touch.  I want to hold hands with someone, have my back rubbed, my legs stroked.  I want to be held and cuddled.  I've always been deprived of these things (even as a child), and I think this is why I felt so strongly for Robin Hood; I can't deny there was something else there, there certainly was, but it wasn't as strong as the physical connection he essentially built with me. 

I wonder if I meet someone again that is affectionate like he was, if I will feel the same.  This could be good or bad.  Like, can this be used in a way where I overlook red flags because my body just needs that touch connection? 

I'm definitely overthinking this, because who knows if I will ever meet anyone again with this goddamned coronavirus pandemic!!