Don't Hurt Yourself

I did not rage out at anyone, I just text messaged my best friend and the close friend I have made here in San Antonio, Taylor.  I sent them the photo of the shoes and what I had sleuthed out so far.  This all occurred in the 8 o'clock hour, and Miles did not come out of his room until 1030AMish when I was making breakfast.  

He said hello to me, and I said the same, keeping collected like I didn't know what was going on.  Then he got really close to me and mumbled something quickly, his neck was covered in hickies, and I was like "I'm sorry, what?"

"Hey, hey... I apologize that I didn't say anything beforehand, but I had someone over last night"
Moi: "Ummm, okaay"

I just continued to make breakfast.  Now, the kitchen and living room are in the middle of the house (ranch style home), Miles' room and my office are to the left, my room is to the right, and so is the garage.  The kitchen is galley style, and there is a partial wall separating the living room/kitchen, so to get into the garage, you can either walk through the kitchen, or avoid it and go through the living room.  

I was at the oven and heard Miles and the girl walking on the hardwood floors, and I look up and see the backside of her walking into the garage.  She is short and plus sized.  Very short.  Long brown hair, that's all I know.  Miles drove her wherever her car was left.  

When he got home, he didn't say anything and I didn't say anything about it.  Instead he did a bunch of things around the house, cleaned, did a few things I asked him to do two weeks ago.  I asked if he had some Zofran and he quickly brought me his prescription bottle.  I took a nap, he came into my room later and cleaned out the litterbox I keep in the closet.  I'm assuming he felt guilty, I didn't care.  

I was feeling kinda low, basically thinking about the things I wrote in the previous post.  I was talking to my best friend about it this morning, and she reminded me that perhaps it isn't that he didn't want to be together now (at a better point in life), but that I have made it very clear since he'd moved back that it wasn't an option, he finally understood that and moved on.  

And I'm not an option for him, I'm really not.  (Contrary to what this post might sound like. I'm really just trying to sort out the feelings that are coming up with all this).

If when he had moved back, he said "I realized I made a mistake before, and I really want to work on this relationship with you, you are the person I want to be with... What can I do to make you see this (or can we work this out)?" things *could* have been different.  But he didn't.  After he got fired, he just said that he wanted to be together again, but didn't say anything about making changes, putting in the work, or even addressing what went wrong in the relationship.  

And I just went back and read the break up post I wrote and he straight up said that it wasn't "in him anymore" to put forth the effort and actions needed to be in the relationship, soooooooooo yeah.  

That's the great thing about great friends (and blogging/journaling).  Not only do they have your back and are quick to remind you that you are better than you think, but they can also affirm that no, he hasn't changed.  Additionally, he will act the same in whatever new relationship because he hasn't changed or experienced any new growth.  It seems that way, but he has to go to these meetings to keep his nursing license.  He has to stay sober because he can be randomly drug tested any or everyday of the week.  

I don't think it's ideal for us to live together, I am aware that there is a codependency going on that is unhealthy.  I think part of this is simple companionship... Ugh, god I really don't want to go through selling the house during a pandemic. Fuck.

I hope she has her own place, that would solve a lot of issues.  

To be quite honest, I feel kind of sad, like I've been kicked back into the grieving process of a breakup and it's really a mind-fuck.  I can feel all my abandonment issues coming up, and it really sucks.  And maybe Miles was right when he said I was punishing him after he moved back, and I just never stopped, and that's why I get so irritated and annoyed (but that doesn't negate the fact that he was/is very spoiled and entitled to begin with, and also quite sheltered).  

I am doing myself a disservice by playing back the highlight reel of our relationship, forgetting about all the overwhelming feelings of being alone, undesired, and upset.  How many times did I wake up unhappy next to him?  What about the dead bedroom?  Did I just forget about how rejecting and hurtful that felt?  

Hello me, get it together, stop listening to Sufjan Stevens, this is the time to treat yourself with compassion, feel your feelings, but don't live in the past.  I can assume that this is how Miles has felt the last couple of years, so perhaps instead of reacting with anger, choose to add a little compassion to the situation and FORGIVE the past to really move on and just be happy (or neutral) for him for doing the same.  Also remember that Miles doesn't really put himself in others' perspectives, doing this for him is FOR YOU.