Goodbye Horses

You know what they say, when you go snooping, you're not going to like what you find.  

At the end of last week Miles put a letter on the kitchen table. It had his name in bold marker across the envelope, it looked like something a child created.  I figured it was from one of his patients, I was intrigued, but also, meh.  At the beginning of the next week, it was on the edge of his nightstand, so whenever (or if), I needed to walk into his room, I would see it there (I generally don't go in there unless it's to get the cats, or I knock on his door to ask him a question, etc).  I am not sure if this was carelessness on his part, or if he wanted me to see it.  It's hard to tell what is pure accident or intention with him.

I took a picture and sent it to Taylor and she was like he's trying to set you up.  I wasn't sure, but I was tempted to read it but didn't.  Eventually I forgot about it until today when I went into his room to get Miso out of his closet.  Miso is the last cat to adapt to Louis, and he absolutely hates him and hides.  I hate that Miso is hiding around the house.  Anyway, the letter was on his dresser.  Just a peek I thought.  A peek.

It seemed like the kind of letter that one coworker writes to another about how it was great to work with that person, I enjoyed our conversations and getting to know you (as if they are quitting).  Nothing out of sorts.  But next to this was a letter Miles was writing to a friend of his that I know, so I decided... in for a penny, in for a pound, and read that too.

I understand that this was a violation of privacy, but it was right there, and maybe this violation is compounded by the fact that I'm now writing it here, but.... I don't really have an excuse or a reason to give.  Sometimes I'm a shit person.  Sorry.

The letter discussed the girl that wrote the coworker letter, that he is so drawn to her, that he has only felt a connection like that with the addressee of the letter, his other junkie friend, and Unicorn Girl (the girl he dated before me).  He referred to this girl as a goddess, and that it's so intoxicating to be near her, it's so tempting to touch her, cuddle her, fuck her, but yet... she has a boyfriend.  

Apparently she told Miles that her boyfriend has ED, something that Miles instigated out of her, and rarely has sex with her, in his letter, Miles seemed appalled by this and "couldn't imagine being able to keep his hands off her" and her boyfriend must be "such a loser to not realize the sexy goddess next to him".  Really?  Did you forget about YOUR erectile dysfunction?  About the decline of our sex life and subsequent dead bedroom when YOU didn't want to put any work into the relationship?  

Reading all this and snooping, really put me in my place.  I didn't need to know any of this, and internet friends, neither do you... but I have to say, I read this and felt like a fucking idiot.  I have said this to myself so many times, and I've written this so many times, but I can't believe I changed my life so much for Miles.  I wonder if he ever wrote about me with such adoration and intensity, I do not believe he did, and not just because of something negative I believe about myself, but because he was so infatuated with his ex when we started dating and I was basically used as a means to move on, and I didn't protest.  I accepted his partial affection and love because I'm used to living on scraps like that.

Sometimes I question myself, like did I really love him, but lately I find myself asking, did he really love me?  Does it even matter?  At this point it doesn't, it's all ego right now.  Maybe he has written intense and passionate things about me and I will never find them because he knows I am a snoop.  However, he did move back to Texas to try and get back together, so I guess I had some kind of hold over him.  

For real, I read those letters and wanted to pack up all my possessions and leave, tonight.  I would love to just disappear.  I am thinking about when I move and never speak to him again, what a thrill.  It will get me through this pandemic, and it will also get me through until we sell the house.  

I also need to remember that this is the lusty "start"(?) of a "relationship"(?), and those are always intense.  The giddiness I felt with Robin Hood comes to mind, Miles and I are both allowed to have that, we are not together.  Additionally, it's highly likely the same thing is going to happen; the passion will fade and the real work will begin.  That isn't something he does.  Besides, I too know how powerful the lure is of an unavailable person.  That's something the women that Miles has "connections" with all have.  They are unavailable due to relationships with others, or emotionally unavailable.  

I'm wondering if the "friends" he mentioned having over to the house from my last post include this girl that he is lusting over, however....  and here's where it gets juicy: the girl that stayed the night, and that he was on a date with half the weekend is NOT the same girl as in the letter.  I want to say I feel bad for this new girl, but I hope that she can see the signs and rally for herself more than I did.

I am glad that I moved to Texas for a couple reasons: Miso.  The real love of my life, my feline familiar.  He is the sweetest animal and is so attuned to me.  Also, Nova.  My bossy lil' girl.  I have a job that I am content with for the most part, if just a little bored.  Meeting and befriending Jaime.  My lovely ranch house-being able to even experience home ownership was not attainable if I stayed in California, I'm happy for the experience, even knowing this is not a forever home (it likely would be if it wasn't co-owned).  

I finished school, I don't think that would have happened if I stayed in San Diego--and I finished school on my companies dime, and I'm about to do that again with grad school.  

Although we didn't work out, dating Robin Hood was an eye opener for me.  Living near my best friend for the last couple years (although 3 hours away), has been such a treat.  This is the thinking I need to redirect myself to when I beat myself up over moving to Texas for a complete fucking moron.  

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At this point, I am not going to be publishing anything else regarding Miles and his dating life, unless it's something that actually includes me.  I think what happened in this post was a violation of boundaries (obviously), and although I don't feel any shame about what I did, I realize it was wrong to do it.  

Miles dating and doing whatever he is doing (leading another woman on) is happening around me, but has nothing to do with me directly.  Yes, I am impacted because of old feelings and ego involved, and it is a challenge to redirect my thoughts, but it's not impossible.  I am my best self when I am minding my own business, and that is what I intend to do from here on out.  I am also going to start doing some research on things to know when selling a house, things to do to prepare the house for sale, etc. so I don't go into it as blind-sighted like I did when buying.