Switzerland

I avoided having a conversation about the girl for a full week.  There really wasn't much to talk about, but I did think that having the house as a neutral space was probably for the best.  You can say I am jealous or have too much skin in the game, perhaps that is true.  However, how else am I supposed to feel?  I do feel jealous, or envious.  That's my ex, and no matter how much I might not want to be with him, I can still remember the part of me that thought I would marry him.  That thought moving 1,200 miles to be with him was the best idea, all for love.  

Part of the package that I am branding as jealously also involves me feeling absolutely foolish or embarrassed that I did that with no promises from him.  I basically wrote it off like not a big deal if we don't work out.  What an idiot I was.  Yes, this is still something I will still beat myself up about, and I do try to redirect my thoughts when this comes up.  Thanks therapist.  

Anyway, as the days progressed, I started to feel like shitty overall about this mystery girl.  Let Miles move on, maybe he learned some real lessons from our relationship, but people rarely change, especially men.  Plus, his memory is complete shit, so I doubt anything that he learned would be retained.  

I brought up having the house as a neutral no dating space the following weekend.  I have NEVER brought a guy here that I have dated, and Robin Hood asked once.  If I wanted to show him the house that I love so much that I would live with my ex to keep.  I told him no.  At the time it was because I knew my kitchen needed some cleaning and my room needed some tidying up.  But I also just don't like people knowing where I live.  

It's paranoid, I know.  But I've become a bit more private in the recent years.  I rarely even put my phone number on things anymore, I tend to always use my Google Voice number.  

Anyway, apparently they are not dating "yet", but it was said like if I decide to pursue a relationship with Vicky, not being able to be at the house would be hard.  Look, I'm not interested in knowing her fucking name, stop bringing me into this.  Just like he was showing me the rash he had on his torso the next day, like an angry red rash all over.  I don't care about your sex rash dude.

Additionally, he "let her" stay over because she was too drunk to drive home after going to the bar that night after work.  

A fucking bar.  

During a pandemic.

In a state that is consistently topping the charts for the amount of new positive cases.

What is his problem??!?!  How is he a nurse?  I talk to my friend Taylor about this all the time, when he does something stupid she will yell how is he a nurse?!?! And I am like, dude, I don't know. 

I got really mad when he told me that he was at a bar, and then he was like "well, it would be nice to have the friends I've made from work over" and I'm like no.  NO ONE is coming over.  The problem he has is his head is always buried in the sand.  He does not really watch the news, he listens to NPR for like 15 minutes a day.  He doesn't see the news on social media or CNN about people dying in piss poor conditions due to hospitals being over capacity.  Or really hear the nurse accounts that are being worked to the bone and giving insufficient PPE that has to last for who knows how long.  

Then he told me that he thinks that I am letting the pandemic impede on my happiness.  DUDE, THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS UNHAPPY WITH THIS QUARANTINE!!!  I'm sorry that I'm not out and about all willy nilly doing whatever the fuck I want because I'm actually taking this seriously, unlike someone who is a fucking healthcare provider.  I asked him if he was fucking serious, then I just rolled my eyes.  I told him that he would probably be singing a different tune if he worked at his old hospital in acute care, and not an inpatient psychiatric hospital, where they send anyone with feverish symptoms to an acute hospital straight away.

Also, the rhetoric of "not living in fear" means less than dogshit to me.  I've had pneumonia, it's fucking terrible, and that was diagnosed and I was given meds that helped to treat it.  Additionally, half of my left lung was full of fluid on the chest scan, that is like a fraction of how COVID is (for some, granted).  

I AM FEARFUL of getting pneumonia again because it was the most terrible illness I have had so far in my life.  Being out of breath while standing at the oven to make dinner, what a trip.  Oh and everything you eat being tinged with menthol because you have to have a cough drop in your mouth at all times in order to breath without choke-coughing to death.

Anyway, besides being annoyed about the bar and his MAGA attitude about COVID-19, he told me that he was afraid that my feelings were hurt last weekend, but I didn't seem affected at all.  And I'm like yeah, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing that it spun me for a loop.  

So, we agreed, the house is neutral zone.  No dates allowed over.  I can see this topic being revisited if one of us starts seeing someone seriously, but even then, I would rather not introduce any future love interest of mine to him.