How My Heart Behaves

I wrote this like 1.5 weeks ago and thought I published it, but nope. Not sure I care for the new blog platform, but change is inevitable I guess.

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Pretty sure that under my cynicism and doubt is really the most hopeless romantic.  Pretty sure that any regular reader of mine already knew this.  I'm also pretty sure that my hopeless romantic troupe comes from my inner child's desire to be seen, validated, understood, and likely rescued(chosen).  However, that is just an observation, I am capable of doing these things for myself, but ugh, it sucks in practice to do all the time.  

Even with the kind of emotional rollercoaster of the last few posts, August has been one of my best months of the year so far.  Weird right?  It seems that I am one of those people who didn't realize they were depressed until they found a medication that actually worked for them (Wellbutrin), and HOLY HELL, what a difference!

So yes, new antidepressant, new me.  I mean, not really, but holy fuck I am not even getting on my own nerves!!  

Miles and I discussed this over the weekend, he said the difference is literally night and day.  I think he is really happy that I am being nice to him, and I do feel bad about it, truly.  I was getting on my own nerves all the time and being so angry all the time was just exhausting.  Yes, there were days this month that I was experiencing feelings regarding him, which I wrote posts about, but that was definitely jealously coming through and not really knowing how to handle those emotions.  

A problem or hiccup that I am running into is that now I am feeling quite alone.  Before, I was handling quarantine "fine" because I didn't want to be around anyone anyway.  I just wanted to be a miserable slug all by myself in my house.  Now, well, now I want to be out and actually do things, get outside my house, meet people.  

I'm finding myself wanting to be around him... a lot.  I am not going to berate myself too much about this, I've worked from home for 4.5 years, I do not get that traditional coworker interaction like other people, and I've also been taking quarantine really seriously.  I am lonely, I want to talk and interact with someone.  

But... Miles has also been going out of his way to do things for me.  I had a flat tire this week, and he changed it to my spare and took it to Firestone to get fixed, unfortunately whenever I seem to have a flat, it's always a sidewall and needs replacement.  I decided to get some work done, 4 new tires, new TPMS's (it's been broken for a while), and an alignment (I'm poor now).  Miles helped me with dropping off my car, picking up, all that.  He also started taking down the garden without my asking, although I did help with this. 

Additionally, in July I had to register my car, during the safety inspection the guy was like "your headlights are very oxidized, this is the last year we can pass you". I've had them done before at a detail shop, but that literally lasted a year.  I bought some headlight oxidation kit from Amazon and it's been sitting in the garage for a few weeks.  I've been meaning to do it myself, but every weekend is like 104 degrees outside, or I am working, so forget it.  Sunday afternoon Miles was opening up the box and I asked what he was doing and he said he was going to fix my headlights.  

Just randomly, he is going to sand and treat my headlights.  Okay.  

I know that he has done things around the house, like planting jasmine, because he thought I would like it.  And truthfully, the way he is acting and just randomly doing things for me/the house without being asked or even hinting that I want them done is NOT helping my feelings of wanting to spend time with him, and also questioning what if.

It seems like a big part of me got amnesia over how unhappy I was with Miles when we were together.  Because it is CERTAINLY NOT the rational side of me that is stoking this.  And yes, I know, this is why we shouldn't live together.  Why would any part of me even question the possibility of being with him again, when he is having some kind of emotional affair with his Goddess?  I JUST LOVE THE CRUMBS THAT PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO GIVE ME!!  Pathetic.

I think also, looking back (now 1.5 weeks after writing this post) there are 2 things I can contribute to this, primarily: being lonely.  Second, in my mind it's "easy", I should say "comfortable", but it's easy to fall back with the same person you know, instead of going outside your comfort zone and meeting someone new.  Loneliness will really have someone make the worst mistakes, and I'm not about to go down that road again.   

Thursday morning I was talking to him about my school choices, I actually really wanted his opinion... The whole time I was more talking "at him" because he was texting someone.  Then I asked what he thought and he was like "about what?".... Dude.  A few minutes later he changed and announced he was going out to breakfast (with the Goddess).  

There is no future in the past.

I'm hoping my lonely streak doesn't last for long, I'm already conversing with some guys on Bumble and Tinder, but I feel like it's a waste of time.  I've struck up conversations with at least 6 guys this weekend and none of them participate in conversations.  You're not into me, fine, but learn the simple skill of communication.  JFC.

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On a better note, to continue with the "lift" of mood I'm experiencing being on an anti-depressant that works for me, I am back on my fitness/diet life.  Before this, it was just too hard, too much work, it would take too long to get to any kind of goal weight, so why even try???  Now, I'm like, day by day, just track everything you are eating today and don't worry about tomorrow.  So August, 8 pound loss.  This is me starting to prioritize myself again, and I will soon be able to claim my old nickname from Rabbit of "loss boss".  Can't wait.  

Oh and, Wellbutrin supposedly has the side effect of decreased appetite, that is not my experience. I think my dose is too low for that, I'm just happy with feeling better mentally.  

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And today is my first week of grad school!  Onwards and upwards y'all.  

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS FOREVER.