Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies...

10/08/2020 - Miles asked me if he could invite a "platonic" friend over on his birthday and I am not okay with it.  It's the goddess, of course.

What's hard is that I know she is not platonic or he doesn't want to be "just friends" with her, he obviously wants to fuck her or be in a relationship with her because she is *so great*, a fucking g o d d e s s walking on our unworthy earth.  But he doesn't know that I know (because I snooped), and I can't really let on that I know.  Annoying.  

I told him the same thing I told him when he JUST HAD to see Unicorn Girl the first Christmas that we went back to San Diego, which was "I am very uncomfortable with it".  Part of this is covid, another part my control issues, and lastly because I know he is in lust with her, and now she will be in my house--my safe space.  He said "we will just hang out in my room if it makes you that uncomfortable" 

Moi: Oh, so two platonic opposite sex adults are going to 'hang out' in your room, okaaay, if you are romantically interested in her fine, but you know that the house is a neutral zone, so don't lie about it

Miles: I'm not, we are just friends

Moi: Well, you're going to do whatever you want, just like you always do. This house is half yours.  I'm uncomfortable with it and I feel like if I say no, as I would like to, you will make me out to be a fucking asshole.  

Miles: there's no reason to say no, I think this is so overblown, she is safe, wears masks and she lives with her mom and...

BRO. I do not need to know about this girl.  YOU LIKE HER AND WANT TO TELL THE WORLD, GET YOURSELF A FUCKING BLOG THEN ASSHOLE. 

We talked about the feelings I am having coming up while he is on dates, or how he leaves his planner in our shared bathroom and there are girls names in there and it gets me going.  I made a point to tell him that these are things I shouldn't know, and my feelings are valid and normal, but I cannot keep up with being this masochistic.  I am not happy, this, this fucking jealously and these comparative feelings I'm experiencing are ruining me.  

I told him that I wanted to make a realistic timeline of selling the house because I don't want to live together anymore.  He proceeded to say that I am "being emotional" and that "whenever you are mad you say this" and "maybe once your meds level out you'll feel better".  Okay, stop trying to gaslight me into thinking I'm just being unreasonable, I'm not.  He doesn't want anything to change because he gets to flirt and do who knows what with this slut during and after work, and on their biweekly breakfast dates (he told me this, and yes she has a boyfriend), and then he comes home to me as some kind of companion.  

I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED.  

The only thing I am getting out of our situation is that he pays the mortgage in full.  Although we pretty much contribute equally based on our incomes (since I pay utilities/groceries).  

Miles tried to make a big stink about how if I was dating someone he would be upset and want to know, and I told him "you never would", and he really wouldn't ever know.  I am not the type of person to leave my life open like that (at least not to him), and I'm not interested in sharing my dating experiences with him because I actually respected and was considerate with his feelings when we were dating, I expected the same, but nope.  

10/16/2020

The goddess came over today.  I stayed in my office with the door closed, they watched my television in the living room.  There were a lot of periods of quiet, then getting up to go to the bathroom.... IDK.  It's not any use to put on my Detective Danielle hat.  Who cares if they made out or she sucked his dick, or whatever.  I really felt no feelings about that.  I am more upset that he has lied to my face about who she is to him.

And I don't care if he wants to date her (and does), go for it.  Just don't lie to me.  That's my biggest issue.  I KNOW he lied about her, but I can't say anything.  I have been trying to get to a root cause in all this, and it really boils down to this: if he were to be in a relationship with her and try to continue to bring her to this house, it would be an affront to me, an in your face reminder that we did not work out, and my inner self affirms my deeper fear that I was never good enough for him, see how happy he is with her, you were never good enough.  This is a completely false narrative.  

I cannot keep someone from lying to me.  That has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person lying.  Miles was never good enough for me, he didn't fulfill me emotionally, he did not attend to many of my needs, and to be fair, these are needs that I didn't even know that I had because I have been a person who has appeared needless in order for people to love me.  But I still needed affection, or for him to put forth some effort into our relationship, which he just didn't really do.

Miles has always been selfish and inconsiderate.  I know why he doesn't want to sell the house, I know that he uses me for companionship, and I will say that during these covid times, it's reciprocated, but I would really rather be alone.  If I hadn't been living with him, my best friend could have visited because I would have been isolated and it would have been safe for her during pregnancy. 

I have made a loose plan for myself for the next 6-8 months.  Work pushed the start date of my new role by a week, but I would like to get through training (6-8 weeks), then the introduction period (12ish weeks), and be fully acclimated to my new position.  I am a bit nervous because it is more investigative and intense, there is a lot more accountability, which I am fine with theoretically, but I would like to see how it goes in practice.  

Anyway, during this time I plan on paying off the last of my debt, at my current salary I am able to make large payments towards it, so with the increase in pay, I really should be able to buckle down and pay it off quicker.  I think I should pause saving and put it all towards debt since I have a good emergency fund at the moment.  Once the debt is paid off, I am going to either propose selling the house again, or ask Miles to buy me out.  I really don't want him to "get" the house, but this is really the best option.  The idea of him 'making a home' with that cheating whore in MY house infuriates me, I found this house, I did all the paperwork for both of us, but sometimes it's just better to cut your losses and move on.