House Arrest

True confession, I haven't left my house this week (Monday to today (Friday)). I haven't even gone outside with the exception to feed the feral cats and take out the trash. I feel somewhat shameful about this, but class also started back up this week and I've been cleaning my space. Also, last week I met with a psychiatrist and she upped my anti-depressant. I know why I'm depressed. 

The good news is that I've been taken the new dose since Sunday and I can feel it kicking in, or I don't feel as desolate, I guess. I think that's a good word to use. I'm not suicidal, but I'm at this point where I just can't do anything. I feel stuck, trapped. It makes me really sad and upset to type that. Since upping my dose, started waking up earlier naturally this week, like I was doing before this depressive episode hit. I like this time to spend with my cats, stretch, and read a bit before I start work. I am considering changing my hours to 6-230pm anyway, so if I continue to wake earlier without an issue, then I think I will. What I like about this is that my gym is slower when it's that early. I'm having a bit of gym anxiety, so I think finding times to go when it is slow will help with this. 

And perhaps it's the anti-depressant helping, but I confronted Miles about buying me out of the house the other day. We have been having an extended conversation about selling and he doesn't want to. I have brought it up multiple times and the last time we spoke he was firmly in the "no" camp. According to our co-ownership agreement, if we don't agree to sell, then a buy out is the next option. I have an overview knowledge of how this would work, but I'm not sure exactly the process. 

I think since Miles wants to stay, he would need to get a real estate agent and work with a broker to refinance the loan. Although I've already met with a lawyer to ensure I am entitled to the shared profit of the house, I am going to start looking for a proper real estate attorney. 

When I brought buying me out up to Miles, you would have thought that I told him his fucking dog died. As if this is a surprise. I have mentioned wanting to sell the house multiple times this year. This just tells me that he doesn't listen to me, or doesn't think I am serious. Why would I say I want to sell and just be joking about it? So stupid. I know he doesn't want to sell because he is fucking lazy, so here we are. 

I am aware that a buyout will definitely come with some feelings of resentment. This is a house that I found and saw with an agent prior to bringing Miles in on it, and now he gets it. I would rather have a new family or couple buy it than him ending up getting his way. I think that is the bigger issue. He always gets his way. With his parents and sisters, with me, he's just the most inconspicuously selfish person I have met. 

Resentment or not, it means being free. 

Anyways Miles took a beach trip with his girlfriend or whoever this (last) weekend, and has been gone since mid day Friday and it's been great. It's Sunday now, and I know he will be returning this afternoon and I am dreading it. I will just have to replay my fantasy of packing up all my things, knowing that 98% of the things we use everyday are mine. This kitchen will be left bare, he won't have any living room furniture, besides a rug, all the cat toys are mine, and also 3 of 4 litter boxes. Lamps, dish towels, cleaning cloths, cleaning supplies, office stuff, oh man, I cannot wait! 

Other things I am enjoying lately: I finished Yellowstone, and wowowowow. Highly recommend watching this show, it is so good. I really want to rewatch already. I've been reading the Ice Planet Barbarians series... Yeah, it's ridiculous, but the world building between all the smut scenes is going pretty well. I think I've finished 10 of the books already, but have been reading out of order due to availability from the library online and what I can find uploaded to YouTube. I am also reading The Stand by Stephen King, the uncut/unedited edition. I am excited to finish the book and watch the new mini series on Paramount Plus. I don't think I've gotten to the character that Alexander Skarsgard plays, but I was excited to hear he was in the series, bad guy or not. 

I also got all the spores and supplies to try my hand at some mycology. Exciting! Might as well do this while I still have a house to do whatever the fuck I want in. Oh, and a garden and greenhouse.  Also been listening to Leon Bridges new album, "Gold-Diggers Sound", very good. I don't know, I think life is just "okay" at the moment. Nothing significant going on, but nothing too terrible I guess.

Okay, I started writing this post a week ago, don't worry, I've left the house a couple times this week so far. The antidepressant is giving me that sweet serotonin. I feel like I'm just getting ready for an official lockdown to start again, we are getting to that point. Abbott will never go for it though. I wonder if I should freeze my gym membership..?