Back on my Bullshit

Lol. Not really, I have just felt back to normal for a while (I wrote this post sometime last week I think). I was sad at the loss of "a possibility" for a few days, but reminding myself of the role I played (escalating the physical), and that I wasn't very attracted to him. It has helped me come back down to earth.  

I think that if you meet someone, and go into it with just the expectation of a hook up, no problem. But what the professor did, it really disgusts me. I have been questioning if there is any element of narcissism or manipulation that I missed, and honestly, I don't think so. I suspect he was honest (after the fact, I think he knew he felt this way before we had sex), or maybe he wasn't attracted to me, and used this as an excuse (explains the OkCupid thing). But, oh well. 

I tell myself, bigger and better things are on the way, but I don't know if I believe that. My PMDD depression is in control, so I've been trying to do fun things after work, like spend time cooking real meals (instead of just heating things up), working on the last stocking I have to complete for my brother, doing yoga, or going to the gym. It's helping, but I'm not sure anything is on the way. 

I'm talking to other guys, but whatever. Nothing really exciting, which is fine. I mean, why get excited before you meet, look what happens. 

Speaking of back, you know the phrase "get your back broken" or whatever in regards to sex? I am not this old where I need to explain it, oh my god. I am so lame. Anyway, my back was hurting for like two weeks after the professor, and what pisses me off is the sex WAS NOT GOOD. He was literally just SO BAD AT IT, and also heavy, that he hurt my body fucking me. 

I have been having another flare up, and I am now thinking I should probably get into my PCP and see if I need to have some imaging done or something. I was thinking it was my kidney, as I had a kidney infection before I met up with the professor, but that was fully treated. I am pretty good at determining muscular pain from more internal pain. 

I had therapy this week and gave her the update, she was disgusted. It was a good time to talk about how I feel more connected with men that have experienced childhood trauma like I have, and I have noticed my pattern of bonding quickly and intensely with them. Although the professor didn't talk a lot about anything, there was some stuff there. Same with Robin Hood, and also The Firefighter. These last two men I have had the hardest time getting over, but now I am connecting the dots. 

Interestingly though, my therapist said that it doesn't make sense for the professor to still be wounded like he said, psychologically speaking, but I cut her off. I told her that it didn't matter if it was true or a lie, because the outcome is same, and she concurred. 

Anyway, I better go do my PT exercises so the next time I have sex I don't break my hip. Fuck getting old. So, yeah, back on my bullshit indeed. And my TikTok is back to giving me men are garbage and here is peer reviewed evidence on why content on my FYP and all is right with the world.