The Professor Pt. II

The Professor lives in nice "luxury" apartments close to the apartment I had with Miles when he first moved here. I did look up the complex he lived in when he gave me his address and he had the floor plan with a HUGE bathtub, oh man, I'm excited. I mean, I'm not gonna be like "hey, while you make dinner, I am going to get naked in your bathroom and stew around" but oh man, I wanted to!

I wasn't nervous, but excited nervous I guess. I dressed casual, very light makeup, hair in a bun. My friend Jaime said oh man, you guys are gonna have sex, and I told her that no, we are not, I am not going to shave my legs, this is my prevention method. 

Jaime: "that is a mistake girl, and you fucking know it, you better get ready, it's been how long for you?!?"

Moi: "fair"

So yeah, I decided to shave my legs. 

The Prof: "come to me"

What the fuck, lol. Who says this?? I'm into it, let's be honest.

I sent Jaime his contact card, and forwarded his facility webpage to her. I told her I would call her after, as I would not be staying late, no matter what. After entering the apartment complex on the wrong side, and not being able to open the gate, even with the code, I finally parked and was knocking at his door. Here we go. 

I get nervous because as a fat woman that is dating online, even with current full body photos where I am basically giving a mugshot of front and side looks, you just never know. And you know what, pictures really do not do people justice, even if you have a phone with portrait mode. I don't edit my photos or use filters, I don't know how to contour my face or really use highlight that well. I also don't care about that shit. I like my face without makeup, I like who I am. I may not be happy about my body and the extra weight I carry, but I am honest about it. I am not trying to trick anyone with my beautiful face, or my gorgeous long red hair and milky skin... Hey, gotta flex on what you got. Just sayin'.

Men are not as honest. 

I think because of the critique that women are into men for their personality, and we are shallow bitches if men have gained weight, gone bald, or like aged 10 years compared to the photos they have on their profile. For me, looks are not everything. I will date a guy I am marginally attracted to, if he checks off all the other boxes for me. 

In the professors case, he was not honest regarding his weight, and his pictures were somewhat old. Here's the thing, I don't care, I'm fine with dating a bigger guy, but just be honest. This was really disappointing for me. Before going into this, I thought he was handsome in a big time dork way, but I am more attracted to his personality and perceived kindness as we have gotten to know each other through our 10ish hours of conversation. Is it a deal breaker for me? No. Because I understand struggles and changes with weight, but I am also looking for someone that is kind, compassionate, intelligent, challenges me intellectually, and makes me laugh. Amongst other things. The Professor has displayed these things so far. We actually have a lot in common, enough to where I am wondering if we would be too alike. 

We hugged and he told me where I can place my bag, then gave me a tour of his apartment. He was very nervous. After the tour, he was like, wait, I want to hug you again. Okay, yes please. 

I asked if he needed any help with dinner, and he said no, everything was pretty much done and I can sit down. He made me a plate, got me the Topo Chico he bought especially for me, and brought it all to me. He made meatloaf with green beans and mashed potatoes. What a meal for a first meeting, very homey. And delicious I will say, I think his meatloaf is better than mine, and I cook as a serious hobby. I told him as much. We chatted while we ate, and he took my plate and cleaned up. I could tell he was still nervous. I got up and grabbed my phone to continue the more intense questions, but in person. 

He came back to the living room and approached me. 

"Can I just.. kiss you now?" 

Moi: "Yeah"

It was soft, it was chaste, and I felt nothing. No zings, no excitement. It wasn't the best kiss, I think we were both knocking off some cobwebs. And yes, I am giving a lot of leeway here. 

I leaned back and told him it's been a long time since I've kissed anyone, and he said something like, who are you kidding, for me as well, and we kissed a bit more, then settled on the couch. He wanted to cuddle like that, but I couldn't get comfortable, so we kind of intermingled. 

Moi: "Were you nervous today?"

Prof: "Hmm, no, I would say I was more excited, nervous excitement" 

Moi: "Same. Although, you broke the ice with your thrall text"

Prof: "Lol, what do you mean?"

Moi: "the 'come to me' okay, big time Dracula vibes"

Prof: "hahaha, what, you didn't like that?"

Moi: "No, I did like it"

Prof: "Good move on my part then" 

Fucking nerd. 

Anyway, I don't know what exactly led to this, but we went into his room to cuddle better and I was going to ask questions, but instead we ended up making out, and then I asked if he would get on top of me because as Carrie Bradshaw once said, sometimes you just want to feel the weight of a man on you.. and then I was like these pants are not very flexible, and then he was going down on me, for like a long time, and then I was like, yeah, put your dick in me, but said in a really filthy way. So yeah. I'm glad I shaved my legs now. 

The sex was not very good though. However, I never expect sex with someone new to be good, especially if I do not have strong feelings for them. It's like I'm numb, I can feel you, it's just meh. Feels good, I really like the feeling, but for it to be like holyfuckingshit I really need to be on the precipice of falling for you. Or, in like one exception in my life, you gotta have a perfect dick and know how to manhandle me in the way I like. 

Okay, but also, and I'm gonna be brutally honest here, in my blog that like a total of maybe 5 people read because we are friends, but I thought he was crying when he climaxed, like, it really seemed like an emotional experience for him in a way where I was just like looking at him in confusion. Like, yeah I do my kegals and I have those internal weight thingies, but what the fuck is happening?

Moi: "umm... are you okay?"

Prof: "yeah.. I think, okay I change my answer"

Moi: "what answer?"

Prof: "to how I want to die, I want to die like that"

Moi: "ohmyfuckinggod. You troll"

Prof: laughs "it's been a long time"

Moi: "same"

We were spooning in bed and he was lightly caressing my body in the way I like, and I wish he had done more of this before we had sex, or maybe we should have just done this and not had sex, because it feels really good. We talked a bit, and then got up. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said yes, so we went back into the living room and spooned on his couch. He caressed and touched my body, or just had a hand on me the entire time and I'm telling ya, catnip.  I was getting tired so decided it was probably time for me to leave. We didn't talk about me staying over, and of course I had work the next day anyway. 

He walked me to my car, I thanked him for making meatloaf for me, and then giving me his meatloaf later because I'm a perverted animal. He said "thank you for coming over and letting me cook for you... and everything after, we'll text tomorrow?" I was laughing at my meatloaf comment, and said a soft yes and I think he didn't hear me, because he asked "we'll text tomorrow then?" again, distinctly, and with what seemed a bit of insecurity in his tone. 

I assured him yes, I would like to talk to him tomorrow, and we had already discussed keeping Friday's initial plans to do something. So I said, yes tomorrow, and we can talk about what to do on Friday. We kissed goodbye and I got into my car. 

I talked to Jaime on the way home and I told her that I just don't really know. I'm not not attracted to him, it's the honesty, honestly. If he had current pictures I still would have swiped right. I want to see where this goes, and hopefully the sex thing is simply getting used to a new partner and their likes/dislikes, but we'll see what happens. 

Tell me why I woke up the next day expecting a message, either text or from OkCupid where we were still matched, saying that he wasn't interested. Why? I had no reason to think this, no conscious reason. HE wanted to ensure we would talk tomorrow. HE asked if we were still on for Friday. HE was asking me if I have weekend rituals or routines. I know that I have a fear of abandonment, but he hasn't claimed me, he isn't professing anything and neither am I. I still have other men I am talking to. 

Why do I feel this way? Because I let my guard down? Because I had sex with someone so fast and I am afraid they will reject me? Is this a hormonal thing? I don't know, how many times have I had sex with the wrong guy? A lot, well, maybe not a lot, but certainly enough times. I think it's because I shared a lot about myself, and now he's met me and touched me, and spent like 30 minutes up close and personal in my vagina that I am feeling insecure. 

Because I broke a lot of the rules and boundaries that I have set for myself regarding dating to help me from getting hurt. These boundaries are used to weed out guys just looking to hook up, and I threw those out the window. Because even if he is not the most attractive guy I've been involved with, he checks off everything else, and my hopes are riding high. Weight can change, and Jaime even said hey you guys can workout together, what's the issue??? You were so excited about him going into it, see where it goes. She is right. 

I've been very critical of relationships for the last few years, if I ever want to be in one again, if I want to deal with men. A lot of that is trauma from my relationship with Miles. I want to be swept up. I want someone to love, and to be loved. To have something real and honest with someone who understands me. Who makes the effort to really know me, unlike what I had with Miles. I am hopeful, and exposed, for the first time in a very long time, and that is very scary for me. 

Something honest. Hmm.