The Professor

There are many negative things that have come out from this pandemic. I think everyone can agree with the feeling of "putting life on hold" and also feeling very lonely. This is what has gotten me, the loneliness. Singles that have been single during this time are feeling touch starved, myself included. Although, I would say this is the norm for me and it is something I have learned to live with. I think that this aspect of me doesn't help when dating because as soon as touch, just the simplest of touch, is introduced, it becomes my catnip. 

I matched with the Professor on OkCupid. I had just reactivated that app after a long hiatus. He had just joined up the day before we matched. 

A couple weeks prior to this, I went on a coffee date with a narcissist. How do I know? The classic signs, big time love bombing, making future plans with no intention to make plans, and little lies that all just added up too much. I wasn't looking for anyone serious during my date with him, I wasn't really into him for long term, I was looking for something casual, and I told him as much, and he started lamenting about long term and all this stuff so quickly. By the time I got home from that meet up, dude had unmatched me on Tinder and never replied to my text. It was a weird experience, but sometimes the trash takes itself out. 

Anyway, back to the Professor. We briefly spoke on OkC, he asked if I wanted to talk on the phone, I agreed and we planned what day and I gave him my number. I had no ideas or conceptions about this guy prior to us talking. I thought his profile was funny, his pictures gave off that he was at least somewhat handsome, but it was really the sense of humor and candor that came through on what he wrote in his profile that I was digging. And yes, he is a for real doctoral degree holding professor at one of the big universities here. 

We spoke on the phone Saturday for like 3 hours, and MAN! What a breath of fresh air to have a real conversation about everything! Social issues, my job, REAL INTEREST about what I do and how I feel about the healthcare industry, and also, making me laugh--or at least smile for the entire duration of our conversation. He asked if we could talk again during the week or sometime, and maybe meet the following weekend. I agreed. We just vibed so well. I Facetimed my BFF after and I was like, holy shit I think I found someone good. Me! Finally! 

I had told him that I would be busy working on my final paper on Sunday, and he understood. I didn't initiate any conversation with him, but mid day he sent me a little snippet of an article he was reading, and what he liked about it. I replied, and then he sent me the link, but with a message "don't read this now, get back to work". 

I finished my paper mid afternoon and did some chores around the house. We spoke again on the phone for another 2 hours or so, just laughing and joking about stuff. Still getting to know each other and asking questions. He is very good with the questions. I think as a researcher, this is his forte. I was feeling a bit bad as his questions were more involved than mine, and he would ask me "what would you like to know about me" and my questions were kinda basic. 

A while back when I was talking to someone at the start of the pandemic, I found this 36 Questions article from Psychology Today, and I will use it to ask guys questions. Not because they are my partner, as the list entails, but I think they are really good "get to know you" questions without stupid shit. Some are more in depth, and others are more light. 

On Monday morning, he sent me an article on the origins of coronavirus and the cover up happening in Wuhan. It is a very long read, but extremely interesting. In the evening, we spoke on the phone and we started on the questions. The last guy I did this with was really excited for me to ask him stuff, and was not interested in asking me what my answer would be. Cool. This was not the case with the Professor. Sometimes he would answer a question and we would discuss the why's or whatever else involved, and I would forget to answer and he would be like "wait, no, what's your answer??".

I am very afraid of getting into another situation with a narcissist. I am so afraid of it, that I am hyper aware of it, and am wary when someone shows too much interest in me, especially if it is one sided. This didn't seem one-sided at all, and the way he spoke and what he shared did not seem inauthentic, cold, rehearsed, researched, or calculated. I think he was sounded like me, excited to find someone who's values aligned, and who had been very alone during this pandemic period, just isolated. 

Anyway, during our conversation Monday, he asked if I wanted to come over to his place on Friday, he said he would like to cook dinner for me. I asked if this was like cook dinner, *eyebrow raise* and he said no, that he would just like to meet and spend time with me. I asked if he wanted to meet in public first, you know to determine that we are not murderers, and he said we could do that, we could go for a walk or get coffee and walk around. If I was uncertain, he told me to just forward his university facility page to all my friends. I was comfortable with meeting him at this point, even if it was at his apartment. 

He also looked up our zodiac signs and read me our compatibility, could this be a match made in the stars? Stay tuned and find out! Who is this person, research article by day, zodiac signs by night. I love it. 

I hadn't spent this much time on the phone with anyone since the Firefighter. The Professor and I just really hit it off. I enjoyed listening to his stories, his voice, and of course, his laugh. I love to hear people's real, genuine laugh. 

On Tuesday, we texted during the day, and I told him I found another good set of questions. He asked if I wanted to talk tonight and I said sure. He texted me later in the afternoon to set a time, but also to ask if I wanted wine or something special to drink from the store. Or if I wanted sparklingly water, and I said I do like sparklingly water, but I am fine with just plain water as well. Cute.

Some of the questions on Tuesday night were not as good, some kinda lame, but we still had a good time. One of those questions was "what are you afraid of" and we discussed physical/insect fears, personal fears, and professional fears. I told him that I am afraid of getting stuck in my current role at work. That I had just got transferred to a new leader and I don't think she is as invested in my development as my previous leader and that worries me. He replied, I don't see that happened, because what I've learned about you so far is that you are really intelligent and bring a lot of experience to your role, you are working on a graduate degree that is really high in demand right now, you can do anything you want. You are never stuck, you can always leave the company--and I know you said you didn't want to, but if you feel they are not giving you what you deserve, you can leave. You can always find something better. 

I am in extreme heart eye emoji territory right now. A little pep talk??? This is what I want, what I need from a significant other and haven't gotten before. Not even from Miles. 

But a looming anxiety. I haven't told him about living with my ex, I usually wait to tell someone this when we meet because I never really mesh with someone this much before I meet them. It's also a loose rule that I've made for myself as well. The rules are kind of out the window due to the pandemic, but here we are. 

One of the questions provided a perfect opening to telling him, and I explained the situation and how I felt about it. He said he didn't care, that it probably wasn't great for me, but that he thinks it is good I have established boundaries, and that I am working on getting myself disconnected from Miles (I told him that I want to sell the house by the end of this year, seriously told him that this is what is happening--foot is down).  

The Professor is divorced, was in a bad situation where she had borderline personality disorder, and went off her meds and changed into a completely different person. Or she was always that person, he doesn't really know. She was having an emotional affair during their marriage (together 5 years, married for 1).  He told me that he was messed up after his divorce and tried to date "too soon" after the divorce and it didn't go well. He went to therapy, and went to men's divorce group therapy thing, and now feels like he is in a good place where he is looking for someone. His intentions were made clear during the first conversation that he is looking for someone long term, he is the relationship/monogamous type. 

One of the questions on Tuesday was "do you feel like you are fully healed from your past?" and he said, "No, but I also do not believe that healing is a yes or no, it's consistent effort and growth. There are things that will still trigger you, but how you react to them indicates your healing progress". I told him that I agreed with that. I don't think it will matter how much therapy I do, how many books I read, or how much personal growth I make, I will still have my issues. I can easily be triggered, but I can also pull back and question it. I don't have to sit and wallow in those feelings, I've learned how to redirect, and get to the root of why I'm feeling that way. Then I can ask myself if what I am feeling is true or a lie, and move forward. 

Anyway, after our conversation Tuesday, he sent me a kiss face emoji and I was just like, ohmygawd. I'm gone at this point. I'm having such a great time, the vibes are amazing, my face hurts from smiling so much. I'm hopeful, for the first time in such a long time. 

Prof: "I can't wait anymore, do you want to come for dinner tomorrow?"

Moi: "Yes. Tomorrow"

Prof: "😘"