I was anxious the next day. I texted him in the morning that I slept very soundly and he said the same, but didn't really expand the conversation, so I let it go. I was busy at work, and we don't really start texting till mid day anyway... Mid-day came and went and I hadn't heard much from him. Okay. Anxiety increases.
We planned to hang out Friday, so whatever. We will probably chat tonight like normal. I Facetimed with BFF after work and I was telling her about the events over the last few days, and how I was now really sitting in my anxious attachment style and a text came through. Now, I was Facetiming on my phone, and I have set up my notifications to not appear as a drop down or banner. Besides, it didn't matter who was texting me, because I was involved in this conversation.
We chatted a bit more and I went to check something on another app while Facetiming and there it was. With my iPhone's small apps stacked on each other, I saw his name in bold and "I am so..." and told her oh my god and my face dropped.
BFF: "What is it, what's happening?"
I cover my face. There it is.
I didn't pre-read the entire text, only the first two sentences. I read it out loud.
BFF: "Are you okay?"
I am just letting myself be hurt by his actions, and not letting myself internalize it. I am not dissecting everything I did that night. I didn't do anything wrong, I was open and honest, and finally let down some of my walls to get to know this person. I am proud of myself for this, for letting someone in. It's not something I do, I didn't even do it with Matt. Sure, things moved fast, but I was making conscious decisions. He made the choice to do this, not to talk with me or share what he was feeling, but just this.
That was the only reply I gave, then I deleted our message thread.
I am glad that I have essentially "broken the seal" regarding sex. Not that I'm jonesing for another bonin' but it's good to just get that first nervous fuck out of your system. This is a good reminder that my dating strategy is to set me up for success, and weed out people like this early on. Or I mean, this will just kick off a hot girl summer. Well, maybe lukewarm girl summer.
I do feel bad for him if he really is being truthful. Hurt people hurt people. I can have the space to feel upset and hurt with him for doing this, but also feel empathy towards him. I feel like we would be really good friends, and I've felt this come through as I've been writing these posts. I am projecting a kindness and goodness within myself that is not returned. If he wanted to just stay friends, he would have said that in his wall of text.
I read a reply to a "relationship advice from men" Twitter thread once and screen shotted a very important tip, the guy said, "give no second chances, we are fully away of our actions and have considered the consequences beforehand and made a choice". Never forget.
When we were talking, before we met, I felt light. And maybe this was just hope pouring into me, but I don't know. That excitement of possibilities. I had a therapy session before I met him (it was the normal schedule), and I was telling her that I wish I didn't feel this way, that I should be able to feel this way myself, like I can bring happiness into my life myself or something. She said it's okay to feel hopeful, and I understand that, I get being happy when you spend time with friends or have a promising date, but things that have brought me joy, especially people, they go away. The takeaway from that is enjoying people as they are, when you have them. You cannot force anyone to stay in your life.
I'm not depressed. I'm not a mess, and I am not less than due to his absence. I miss talking to someone I had such fun with. I'm not trying to figure him out. So I guess this is growth maybe? I wish it hadn't taken so long, but we're getting there.
5 comments:
I have to say that it sounds like this is his MO. I went on a few dates where I have not felt a vibe or ready for dating. I broke things off. I didn't go and rush to sleep with them. Don't give him any credit for his bullshit apologies. He probably does this over and over again.
Yeah, that's what I didn't want to think. It disgusts me beyond measure that anyone would create this connection with a woman, engage them for hours daily, then do this.
Wow. I don't even know what to say.
It sounds entirely plausible that he is being honest. He could be a charming, depressed mess. Some part of you clearly felt that something was off, this is online dating after all, you get suspicious if it all sounds too good!
It sounds entirely plausible that he is being honest. He could be a charming, depressed mess. Some part of you clearly felt that something was off, this is online dating after all, you get suspicious if it all sounds too good!
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