Disassociation Nation

I just mean me when I say nation, but that didn't sound as good for the title. 

I have been reading a lot. I think it's because I'm approaching the last week of one of my classes, impending stress, it's right there, I can almost press my fingers to it, as if it's a bubble waiting to burst. Why not procrastinate more, let the bubble get so big that my mind shifts into its highest gear at the last minute to finish my assignment. 

I am currently in two classes, and as soon as the boring class is over this upcoming weekend, I start my fourth, and final class for the year.  I will finish my courses for this year the first week of November. I'll have two months and change school free.  I am allowing this time to work on my resume and am going to start applying for other jobs. I really like my company, and I would rather stay with them, but I am tired of the department I am in. I hate my manager, I hate the systems we use, I hate dealing with every case I get and peoples fucking complaining about stupid fucking things. 

I want more money, a lot more money than I am making. 

Until then, I have been distracting myself with books, epic fantasy books, romance novels, thrillers. I recently burned through the From Blood and Ash series (that is released - 3 books), I thought the entire series was released, but nopeeee. It's going to be a six book series and only 3 are out, and she loves to end on cliffhangers. I am glad I have a lot of book series that I have kept up with, but it's really annoying. Some series I read because I have been reading them for so long, I enjoy them, but I'm not as emotionally invested, but others, bruh. Book drop so hard. 

I'm also slugging my way through The Stand, eh. I've just renewed the audiobook for the 4th time, and I'm still just 24% through a like 48 hour audiobook. I have the hardcover, but the thing is like 4 inches thick. I'm also listening to The Maidens by Alex Michaelides, and I gotta say, it's pretty good.  Love that my favorite greek goddesses, Demeter and Persephone are twisted into the story. Dark academia vibes, murder, greek myth, psychology, what's not to love?  I also just picked up Hail Mary by Andy Weir (The Martin). I am interested to see how that goes. I think it's weird my library did not have the audiobook for that, so I checked out a physical copy. 

----- 2ish weeks later ----

Seems like my current MO is to start posts, then finish them 2 weeks later.  I finished my harder class and received a B+ end grade, which is good.  I started my fourth class for the year, a finance class, which I am not excited about, but gotta get it done.  After this I will only have 4 classes left and I will be done with my masters degree.  

I finished The Maidens, I really liked it.  Also, there is a connection from Michaelides two books in there, and I wonder if Maidens was written first, but The Silent Patient was chosen by an editor to publish first.  I have been speeding through another series written by Jennifer Armentrout (she wrote the From Blood and Ash series), The Harbinger series.  It's okay.  I have seen this theme where an author writes fiction books with fantasy creatures (vampires, wolves, ghosts, etc), and then moves on to try and write fiction about angels and demons with like this godly war element, and it just flops.  I wouldn't say this is a flop exactly, but it's not as good as the other series. 

I also purchased a new mattress, a Titan Luxe, bed in a box.  I am not sure how I feel about it, but I've only slept on it for 3 nights. What I can say now is that I have a hard time sleeping on my left side, which is my favorite side to sleep on.  Actually, sleeping on any side is kind of difficult, as I sleep with my arm above/under my head, then a pillow, then my head, and this mattress has my shoulders a bit achy when I wake up.  I have to give it like 21 nights before I send it back, if that's what I decide to do. 

Lastly, my birthday is tomorrow, 39.  I used to set goals or think about things I want to do for the year at this time, and what I would like is to really focus on my health, in terms of motion/movement.  I am really thinking where I would like to be next year, and where I am now is not it.  I've been with my new therapist for going on a year in October/November (can't remember exact), and made a lot of connections and progress, but I haven't incorporated a lot of self care, in terms of really reparenting myself.  Doing things I need to do because I have to take care of myself, versus letting myself "do nothing" to relax.  I am not relaxed when I allow myself to do nothing, as I am thinking about everything I have been pushing to the side.  

We spoke a little about daydreaming about death in the last session.  I am not suicidal, I made sure to reiterate that to her, but I feel like, if I were to die suddenly--or out of my control, like a car accident or something, it's whatever.  What am I gonna do, be mad about it once I don't exist?  Sounds dumb, but I think it's more that I would feel relief to not be in the "rat race" anymore.  We kind of settled on that I don't have anything that I look forward to in life.  This is true.  I feel like it's hard to look forward to anything, maybe I am too involved in the news and the overlooming sense of dread with climate change, coronavirus, crooked politicians, the Texas abortion ban, not liking my job anymore (I can start applying for new positions in mid October), and not living in my ideal situation; I am not the only person who feels this way.  Maybe others do not let the external, out of their control factors, creep in as much, but I am not sure how to keep it away.  I am worried about the supply chain, I am worried about having Miles buy me out and I'm in a small apartment and cannot stock up on anything...

It sounds like I am anxious either way, be it thinking about sudden death, or trying to live through more "unprecedented times".  Today, after I write a paper for school, I am going to journal about what I really want for myself for the next year, and how to achieve my goals.  I also think I would like to spending next years birthday on a vacation, so setting up a savings budget and plan for that may also be included in my journaling. 

I also already updated my resume, so although I would like to stay with my current company, I am going to start looking at other companies.  Something needs to give at this point.