Ghost Girl

Let's go ghouls!

Just kidding, that is a prime example of me making a joke when I'm actually a bit sad. 

Maybe not sad, I'm not sure. Anyway, obviously all my posts are gone. Is this the beginning of the end? Perhaps. I have been going back and forth on when I want to eventually stop writing here. I usually journal more personally (is that possible??? I know, I share all my whorey stories here, so what else is personal for me damn) on my iPhone notes app, but I enjoy writing out my thoughts here. Even if I am like a month-ish behind on real events.

This was more a panic switch. Even though I hide this blog from search engines, I was able to find it with an email search via another blog that is monetized. I like to minimize my presence online as much as possible. This is only an issue due to talking to a guy I'm dating and he mentioned my contact card had my email and I was like WHAAAT. I didn't think much of it until a few days later (today) and said oh no. 

Do I think he searched my email address on the internet, found this blog, and read all my inner thoughts and secrets? I can't say. What I can say is that no one is more interested in you than you are of yourself. 

It's a precautionary because my trauma lizard brain is computing things like taking interest in what I like and implementing that into action as manipulation. My rational brain says, that could be true, if there also wasn't other consistent communication, interest, and investment on his part, so stop being like this.

I think if I were in therapy, I would be asked, what are you afraid would happen? 

This is a multiple answer question, one, you would really have insight to my thought flow, how I am and really think about things. You'd see how fucking sensitive I am, which is not something I let people I am only dating see. You'd see how interested I am, you'd have the playbook for me, the cheat codes. You'd see me.

But what would you really get out of it? You could only get so far reading about me here and my interests, you have to have the juice to keep me interested. I don't think that someone would be consistent on their side, even if they had the playbook, for no reason other than they were interested in me. 

And the worst that could happen is they use the information to date me, have sex with me, then leave me. Oh well. I would be sad, I would move on like I always do. You can't make anyone leave, you can't make anyone stay.