I'll Let You Know if/when I Know

Something did change. How I knew, I don't know. It's like my traumatized lizard brain just sifts information when sleeping and picks up on little things that awake me doesn't, then I have these feelings when I wake. It's not ideal, trust me. I don't like being this way. 

I redirected my thoughts and went about my normal Sunday. I was anxious all day. I didn't hear from John until late afternoon, almost evening. He told me that he took his kids to brunch and a movie at Alamo Drafthouse. We discussed that for a bit, and then conversation lacked. I wanted to push it, but the power dynamic had changed. 

Look, I fucking hate dating games, I really do, but sometimes it's not so much a game, but just being relaxed and not anxious, and not dependent on the outcome. But it's a bit difficult when emotions are involved. I wish I didn't want it sometimes. That I didn't want love and to be loved. It would be so much easier. It sucks to admit that, but I haven't detached from the outcome yet. I've been hurt enough that it seems I could easily not give a shit about the outcome, to let men prove themselves to me and keep on with my life, which is something I am working to do. I don't interrupt my schedule for men, I do exactly what I was planning to do, I don't accept last minute dates (with this Flying Saucer exception), I don't respond to messages much during work or prioritize messaging men, but instead attend to messages when I have the time and bandwidth to have a conversation. 

I'm still a work in progress on this, but I have been working to date this way this year, and with one exception, I've been on great dates this year. Yeah, didn't work out in every case, but I've had fun and interesting conversations, and have also tried to learn things from each person I see, whether on the date or in the talking stage. Doesn't mean I'm not tired or don't feel heavy hearted. 

Anyway, long story short, John told me that his son was having a hard time and had an anxiety attack and had told him he was feeling a bit suicidal again. Apparently after the stuff with his mom, he had an attempt last year and was hospitalized. This was a lot. I told him that I was here to talk if he wanted, but hope his son felt better. 

Monday he reached out and we talked for a bit, he kept me updated, but conversation was stilted. One of the questions I ask men I am dating is "what's a question you wish more people would ask you", I seem to get a similar answer from a certain kind of man, and it's "how are you doing really?", so in our texting when he was updating me on his son, I had said something to the effect of, thanks for keeping me updated, but I'm curious to how you are doing and feeling while handling this? 

Sometimes I feel like this is a mistake and leans more towards mothering, and not very "black cat feminine energy" of me, but I am not sure. If I am actually partnered with someone, I want them to feel safe sharing feelings and emotions with me, and vise versa, but I don't know how men see it. 

Anyway, the next day I reached out asking if his son was able to make it to school, as he stayed home the day before. He apologized for his inconsistent communication and told me how things were going. I asked with all this if he really has time to date, and that I was happy to take things slow, but if he didn't have time I'd like to know now. I had a call with Steve scheduled, so I told him we could talk later tonight, and that worked for him as his kids would be in bed. 

John: The bottom line is I don’t know. I don’t know if my son’s going to be ok. If so, I don’t know when my three ring circus calms back down. So, I don’t know if I have time to date. But I also don’t know that I don’t have time. A lot has changed in 24-36 hours. A lot more could change over the next day or two. I don’t want to be a jerk. I don’t want to string you along or waste your time. But I genuinely don’t know. I do, however, realize that’s far from consistent. And there are still a few dominoes that have to fall. So, not sure if the respectable move is to back away or if that’s me trying to make decider other people again. I do not, however, have enough data to make a decision from my perspective. 

Moi: I guess I have an idea, but what dominoes are you waiting for?

John: There’s still the part I mentioned with my son, hospital or no hospital. But there’s a conversation pending on whether my trying to date triggered a spiral. It’s something I need his therapist to weigh in on. That appointment is next week. If you’re asking me for a way forward, maybe just put me on pause/back burner/whatever and continue to explore your options. If you find something that works, great. If you haven’t, and things settle on my end, we can reengage. 🤷‍♂️ Best I’ve got. 

Moi: I feel like you're just gently making the decision for me, but I agree. There's not much to be done in this situation until you have more information. 

John: Sorry, I was trying to be neutral

Moi: I understand. An fyi, I’m not going to reach out. Not because I’m not interested, but I honestly don’t know your interest in me, and while you’ve been consistent, it was something I put up front and you just took the instruction. I would like to keep dating, you know this, so if you want to reach out when you have more info next week, I’d be happy to hear from you. But if I don’t hear from you again, then I guess good luck and I wish you and your kids well. 

John: Understood. I’ll let you know if/when I know more. I more than anyone else would really love the fates to give me a break. Here’s hoping. 

We exchanged a few more messages, but it was over. I knew I wouldn't hear from him. I don't know what happened, I don't know if it was my change in demeanor to not sticking by my boundaries or whatever at the Flying Saucer that caused this, or what. He was quite interested on our first and second date, so I don't know. Oh well. As I write this, it's been over a month since that text exchange and I've never heard anything from him. 

Oh, and I also saw his newly created Hinge profile the next morning after the text exchange, so that was nice. 

And before I get asked, or you think "how do you know", I know it was new because I log into Hinge every day and hadn't seen his profile earlier. Hinge also tags new profiles with "new" by their name, which was present on his. I am disgusted that he used his child's anxiety as a way to trigger my own empathy and compassion and back off, just tell me you're not interested you fucking coward. Or say "I don't think this is going to work, I liked meeting you, but I think we are incompatible long term", it's really that simple for me. I will be sad, but you don't even need to block me because I never reach out after a reply of "okay". I am the best at icing people out, I'm the Night King of that shit. You will literally never hear from me again.