I was feeling off all day, maybe because of what we discussed, also pretty bad PMS. I had a long workout in the morning and wasn't feeling like eating. Nothing sounded good and so while running errands, I just had a protein bar and kept hydrating. When nothing sounds good, sometimes getting really hungry helps, but nothing was doing it, so when I got home I tried to have some snacks, but was having issues eating anything at all. This doesn't happen often, but does happen.
I even went and got Panda Express because it's something I always like, but had a small amount of it then stored it to eat the next day. Just one of those days I guess.
Around 8pm, John messaged me and told me that he was going to go for a drink with a friend, but they bailed on him, and apologetically asked if I would like to have a drink with him. I say apologetically because he said he knew it was last minute and that he knows I don't like that, and that I also don't drink. I really wanted to see him and so I accepted. He told me that he looked in my zip code for bookstores or cafe's that were open and couldn't find anything and offered The Flying Saucer, which was fine with me.
We met there fairly shortly, he said to be casual, it's last minute, not to stress. I applied some tinted moisturizer and did my brows and put on a casual outfit and arrived just a few minutes before him. We hugged, and he walked us in.
I ordered a glass of wine, which got me absolutely lit super fast. I rarely drink. I do like an occasional white wine, but I haven't drank anything in at least a year. Combine that with my lack of eating today and intense workout, I was not surprised. I even sipped quite slowly. I've just always been a lightweight.
It made my lips a bit loose, but conversation was good. We held hands, we talked more about relationship needs. I told him about my need to feel safe in relationships and he asked more about that and I shared that I had a really traumatic and sometimes violent childhood, which is where this stems from, but it's not just that. I need to feel safe physically, yes, but also emotionally, mentally, financially. And I mean in a long term relationship.
Some of that, physical and emotional, are needed when I first start to date, but once thing go to exclusivity, and you start to share more of your feelings and inner thoughts, you have to have a feeling of emotional safety, that what you are sharing of yourself will be between the two of you, that you won't be mocked for feeling the way you feel, etc. Financially, I mean in the far future. That we work as a team, and if we are in a serious long term relationship (marriage), he has my back, like if I were laid off suddenly. I already have an emergency savings, but I am speaking hypothetically here.
He told me more about his kids and some of his friends. He told me that he thinks I am gorgeous and had very beautiful eyes, and he liked spending time and talking with me.
We left as the place started to filter out, I think it was almost 11pm, which is very late for me, and he noticed I was getting tired. He walked me to my car and we kissed, pretty heavily. We basically made out. he pressed me against the side of my car to the point where the back bumper kept popping in, which I thought was hilarious. John is very affectionate, touching my arms and back, hips, and at one point he pressed his fingers into my quads and massaged ups my legs, which felt so good. I had done a leg day that morning, and although I wasn't sore, it just felt like a nice massage. I wanted him, badly. He kissed me the way I liked, where the guy has a hand on the side your face and/or neck and pulls you into him. swoooon.
Although he stopped us and stepped back stating that I was being conflicting.
"I am conflicted because you told me you don't like PDA, and now you are making out with me in a parking lot, and I don't want to cross any lines"
Moi: "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be conflicting, I am really just caught up in the moment, and there is not a lot of people here, I don't feel as exposed"
"that is more understandable, I just don't want to press my luck"
Moi: "you're not, I am enjoying this time with you"
So, I don't know. I know I was being conflicting, a hypocrite almost. I was crossing my own boundaries honestly. Why wouldn't he be confused? I mean, I was also still feeling a little lifted from the wine, and just being around him and having those hormones raging.
We eventually separated and left. I texted him when I arrived home, and he messaged me shortly after that he was also home and that he would reach out to me tomorrow. I woke the next morning with intense anxiety and as the day went on, it just further built and built.
Something in the ether had changed.
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