Five by Five

The fifth date. We talked about what to do, I suggested cooking at his house. I brought the stuff for fajitas because I wanted to cook for him. RH always pays when we go out, and I wanted to do something nice for him. The issue was the neutral feelings from my last post, they lingered through my day. I wasn’t even sure we were still on, I hadn’t heard from him all day. I texted him around noon, asking if he was still interested. This many dates, and this much time together, I felt certain that we were, but it was more like 90% certain.  I didn't like the 10%.

He texted me back that yes, we were still on. I felt better, but not as better as I’d like to feel. I took the afternoon and read the blog regarding polyamory that Rothwilder linked in a comment. My best friend told me that she didn’t think it would be good for me, my other friend I made while living in Texas said the same. And reading those entries from a third party, dating a guy that is poly when she’s previously been monogamous, yeah. I agree.

And it’s not that I can’t be open to it, I'm very open minded and realistic about long term relationships and infidelity, I'm a huge fan of Esther Perel and Dan Savage, who both speak on this topic, Dan Savage moreso on Polyamory.  I don’t really care that he has a girlfriend right now, that girl is married. It's not giving me or "us" his primary time/focus to really explore what "we" could be, he hasn’t given me what I need, the basic first thing: communication. Do I need to agree to poly first before he invests that communication factor?  Is he hedging his bets like I am?

I parked at his house, got a little bit high in my car, and walked up to his door.  It let me keep my mind a bit loose and my thoughts moving slower.  He was affectionate and warm as usual and we caught up and chatted about our day as I set out the food items, and he went out to start the grill.  I know I was being distant, and he picked up on it.  Robin was extra affectionate and inquired about things.  I was also in a lot of physical pain, as per usual, but this was a pain in the ass--literally.  It's not sciatica, but I sometimes get a tightness deep in my right glute that just pulls on the side of my body.  It's very uncomfortable, but not crippling, but will hinder my mood slightly.

We ate dinner, I asked how his date went Sunday.  I didn't mention it in my last post, he told me about it when we went to Gruene though.  It was a first date, he said better than expected, but I wasn't expecting anything anyways.  I asked if it is a faux paus to ask, since it was only a first date, and he said no, but he also didn't want to unintentionally hurt my feelings.  I wondered if that meant something happened, I decided not to pursue that line of questioning.  I asked about being a primary partner and having your partner pursuing dates with a new person and you feeling like you are not good enough.  That is my primary concern.  That is my friends primary concern.  That is my therapists primary concern.

He told me that he has felt jealous once or twice, but hasn't really felt the "good enough" thing.  Maybe it's because he doesn't have a primary or a wife or whatever.  I know that from the small amount of childhood trauma he has told me, this has to have been an issue he's dealt with on a personal level, and maybe that's why he hasn't found a primary relationship, he's always been the other guy, and accepted the crumbs of time that other women have given him.

With my own fucking trauma, I know the first thing I will feel is not good enough, and it will just continue to build.  Although there is A LOT of communication in a poly relationship, I'm not sure there is ever enough soothing that would help.

"I don't think I can do the poly thing."
RH: "I understand"

We talked more, I told him the things I mentioned above, I have no issue with ethical non-monogamy, it's something I could be open to in the future, however, I called him out.

"Honestly, it's hot and cold from you and I don't like it.  When we are together and hanging out, I have no questions that you are interested in me, you make that clear.  What's telling is that when we are apart, I barely hear from you, and when I do, it's nothing really worth hearing.  You don't share yourself with me, and that is the one thing I really need, and honestly, if I had that, this would probably be a different conversation."

RH: "I understand, and there's something about you that I just don't know.  You check all my boxes, our values align, we are compatible in a lot of ways, I value our conversations, I really like just being with you.  We haven't been dating long, but it does feel like we have... I don't know.  This makes me sound like an asshole, but I see us more being friends, but then I'm also attracted to you.  On our last date, I went into it telling myself I don't know, and if I were giving advice to a friend I would tell him it's probably not going to work if you are not sure... but part of that trepidation is hinged on you not being poly... I don't want you to get hurt, I don't want to get hurt, and I really don't want to be the one that hurts you."

"So, you didn't like our last date?"
RH: "No, not at all, it was a great date, I enjoyed the time I spent with you"
"How did you feel after?"
RH: "Good, I felt good.  Later I felt unsure again"
"I felt the same"

Do you know how many times I've heard the "I just don't know, there's something about you" line?  Fuck that line.  I'm so sick of hearing it!!!!  Is it because I am not completely open, or I am hesitant about getting too invested, or I guard my fucking feelings, or I'm not going to play a cat and mouse game and be chased when I find someone worth my time, or is it that I don't need you?  I will never need you.  I will want you, I will make space in my life for someone I think is worth making space for, but as much internal anguish as it will cause me, I will walk away and be done.

You said you wanted someone independent, but the girlfriend he has is the complete opposite.  The girl he went on a date with on Sunday doesn't even have a fucking car (public transit here is not good).  That's one thing I figured out about him, he likes to be needed.  Even if he hasn't figured that out for himself, I saw it very plainly on our second date.  I could see myself falling into that if we had gotten serious, but I also fight very hard in giving up any sliver of my independence.

RH: "I mean, there is good stuff here, and in 6 months or whatever, you decide you are willing to be in an open relationship, let me know"
"Yeah, but you're still uncertain about me, how would that have changed?"
RH: "You're right"

I don't think he isn't interested in me, I think he is guarding himself as much as I am guarding me.  Sometimes I feel like under my skin I have the high walls from Game of Thrones, steadily protecting what's really inside.  I did try and bargain.  I mentioned him giving himself time to invest into what we could have, without trying to date anyone new.  I wouldn't care if he still saw his girlfriend, which should bother me, but for some reason it doesn't.  It's only the new people.  I think because it just says "eh I met this girl, she's cool, but I'm looking for something better" see, the not good enough thing.  He didn't really give me a reply to that suggestion, I told him to think about it.

We cleared the dishes and I asked if he wanted help with the washing, he shook his head solemnly.  I packed the containers I had and he walked me to the front door.  This sucks.  We kissed on the lips and held each other for a touch longer than normal, I mumbled goodbye and walked away.