Five by Five pt II

I am disappointed, I still am as I write this, of course this happened for me last night and I'm writing while things are fresh.  When I got into my car, I texted my Texas friend, Jaime, "I ended it", then drove away.  I don't really need to say that I cried in my car on the way home, but I did.

Miles was still awake when I got home.  I think I interrupted a self love couch session, which come on bro.  You have a bedroom.  Men are so gross.  And it's not like he's watching porn on the big TV, it's on his fucking laptop.  For fucks sake.

I went to Robin's with the intention of staying the night, so I can see why Miles would be surprised I was home.  I packed my Skiphop bag with some sleep clothes, and some sex toys because obviously.  No toothbrush tho, priorities.  Glad I kept the "just in case" bag in my car.  I unpacked the food bag and got ready for bed.  I was laying in bed, wallowing, wishing he would text me, wondering if he would ask, like he always asks, if I got home safe.  I willed it so much.  It wasn't happening.  Instead, my phone rang. It was Jaime.

I told her what happened, being my friend she was enraged for me and said his reasons were complete bullshit.  If I am everything he is looking for, his "I don't know" is a cop out, probably because he is scared.  This is kind of what I feel as well, but whatever.  I don't need to figure him out.  She is also not a fan of poly, and her views I can understand, I also see the other side.  I told Robin the same thing, I can see both sides, but for me, I just don't think it's a possibility, at least not where I am at right now.

I'm more upset with myself for focusing on his "I don't know" factor about me, versus what I should be mad about, which was his hot and cold behavior/shitty communication with me.  I thought about that before I went to his house as well--like if I wanted to break up with him, I would present it as "hey you still into this?" and let him decide, versus me sticking up for myself and calling him out and saying that I don't want to do this anymore.  I stick up for myself in other situations, but why do I want to allow the other person to choose me?  I choose me, fuck that. 

Hmm, let me therapy this a bit.  If I'm the one that is rejected, I can be the victim..?  Not exactly, I am rejected, so it validates my own personal feelings of not being good enough, therefore the cycle continues?  I think I'm getting warmer, but I don't understand why that would even be good for me to do.  Maybe that if other people don't feel that I am worth the effort, I don't need to either.  Because that's where the hard work starts, with yourself.  Doing the things I have been neglecting and avoiding.  Ugh, fucking lessons.

"I'm so proud of you and you deserve so much better. You do, really"

Although Jaime is the one that told me that, it's something I need to tell myself.  Everyday.  It does feel good coming from someone else, instead of others validating my "unworthiness", validating that I am worthy.  I never thought that I would need that from other people, maybe because I never had it growing up, and it was something I felt embarrassed for when other people so openly craved it.  Maybe it was actually shame I felt because I needed it as well.  Like a support system of people, I don't know.

It's great that my friends are proud of me for not just 'going along' with dating Robin even though I am not built for poly, but they don't have to deal with the lingering disappoint after ending something that felt so right--I know, how could I feel that in such a short time?  I have no fucking idea.  Trust me, I've read the posts I wrote more than once, and shit happened fast, but it never felt rushed.  It felt like we'd known each other for a lot longer than we did, Robin mentioned something like this as well.  It was a level of comfort and confidence that I don't experience often (if at all) and I'm certain the last guy I felt it with was the Firefighter.  That was almost 10 years ago.  So, it's a rare occurrence. 

But for real, it just seems like dating is a never ending wheel of disappointment.  I am so fucking tired of this ride.  My friends only hear about the little amount I'm willing to subject them to, because I don't need/like to share my grievances with others. 

I'm also mad, because as the day wore on, my sadness parted and I saw his explanations as the bullshit they are.  I am pretty on the mark when I said in my last post that he needs to feel needed, and I couldn't give that to him.  I mean, I absolutely could, but I wouldn't sacrifice my independence to do so.  I don't think that he is very aware of this need, as he said he wants a girl that is independent, yet the girls he dates are absolutely not independent.  Okay.  Whatever, doesn't even matter.

I think RH is mature enough to not try and boomerang, but eh.  Jaime thinks this is not the last I have heard of him.  It doesn't really matter because my line in the sand regarding polyamory has been drawn.  I've had my brush with the new(ish) "hip" dating thing that the kids are doing (or older men that cannot commit), and I'm not into it.  At least I'm getting a feel for the trends I guess.  In other words, I'm still cool.