The Last Threads

Two week post ending things with Robin I had therapy.  I went over the Gruene date, then the last dinner.  She mentioned she was impressed with how I stood up for myself and expressed what I wanted, and when he didn't respect that, I said something.  Also, that knowing myself enough to know that polyamory is not for me (at least not where I'm at now, I'm not ruling anything out, tbh).

After rehashing it, I was kind of in an overcast state the next day.  And then I woke up after that and wow.  Clickity click.  It was done.  I was done mourning that connection.  It's kind of crazy how that works, and all that bullshit about giving things time, and yada yada, it works.

That weekend I finished my school term, and then this last week I finished painting my living room and hallway.  It feels so good to be done with things.  I hung up some art, and then, I framed the handkerchief I bought in Gruene with Robin.  I pass it all the time, as it's on the wall to my bathroom (although I will likely change its location).

I've been holding onto this one last thing.

When I was really sad about Robin and going through it, I would continuously think about texting him.  Instead, I would open my notes app and write what I wanted to write to him and be done with it.  I told myself to wait.  I could text him later.

Then I did.  This week.  I went back and forth about it, played out the scenarios.  What was I hoping to get out of this?  What was my ideal situation?  Would I feel stupid?  How hard would I be on myself?  And how would I feel to not hear anything back?

What did I want?  I wanted the comfort back that I felt when I was with him, the way I fit in his embrace, the way our lips just went together so perfectly.  I wanted his casual touches, his hand on the back of my neck.  But, more.  But maybe less, I would be satisfied just having time to converse with him, to have interesting conversations.  We have a lot in common that we didn't really discuss much of, which is our childhood.  Robin is someone that can understand things I went through because he went through the same.  There is comfort in that.

I decided that because I've thought about this text for a while, I would not be hard on myself and say I'm being foolish or stupid that I reached out.  I had waited until I wasn't in my feelings, I was going to send something kind, and nothing overly vulnerable.  It was fine.

I sent a photo of the framed handkerchief and a message:

"I finally framed this little handkerchief I got in Gruene, I may need to find a Texas one to accompany it!  Thank you for taking me to that antique store, I really enjoyed it. I hope you're doing well. x."

Simple, open ended, but also just a statement.  A feeler text, but also something nice.  That's me, always nice *eye roll*.  I felt like it would be simple enough and not give a "desperate" vibe, because I am absolutely not desperate, but I do think that there was something good between him and I, even if it were just friendly.

I never got a reply.  Maybe he blocked me, but I don't know why he would.  Oh well. 

I haven't dwelled on it, I haven't beaten myself up over it.  I feel a little rejection surface, but I am better off, and I know this deep down.  Even if my emotions want a different outcome.