Sputter

How to intro this post, that's the dilemma.  Conversations with the new tinder match have gone great, but I feel things turning cooler.  We had a long discussion regarding bodies, particularly mine.  And if you think I have catfished him, you would be wrong.  I'm not trying to trick anyone, I'm fat, I have like 6 photos on my Tinder, and 2 of those are selfies, the rest are full body pictures that I took recently.  

I'm kinda feeling like I'm a "type" on a list for this guy.  I think back to a conversation I had with Rabbit about his "sexual conquest list" and he told me that being with a bigger girl is on it, because yolo I guess??  I don't know, he said it then was silent for a bit and I just said something like "that's nice" and we moved the conversation along.  

I'm not sure if he thought I could check that off his list or something, but I could never have sex with Rabbit if it was just casual.  The depth of our friendship/relationship would be too much for me personally to handle just sex, too many strings.  God I miss that friendship, texting occasionally is not the same, I miss working with him and Spider so much.  They were my relationship confidants and now I feel like I have no one to really bounce thoughts off, and I've really tried opening up to my girlfriend here in SA, but it just isn't the same.  Wow, I'm getting way off topic here. 

Anyway, this dude said that I'm the forbidden fruit he's always wanted, but never had, and that he usually dates women smaller than him.  For the record he doesn't seem like a big dude at all, pretty normal in fact, I think it's because he's 6'2 that he refers to himself as a big dude.  So I asked, if he's always wanted to date a bigger woman, why not?  He said that because the bigger women on Tinder that identify themselves as "curvy" are more morbidly obese, and into living a taco lifestyle and that isn't his type.  

I thought, wtf did you not see my pictures?  Okay, I don't live a taco lifestyle, and I know I have a bad body image of myself, but like I said at the beginning, I don't want to trick anyone.  And really, I just don't want to be rejected because of my body, lets be real.  ESPECIALLY when I've been up front about myself.  I actually took more pictures of myself after a workout, in my tight clothes, looking like fresh sweaty garbage and sent them to him and he said he was into them, yet.... The conversation has certainly slowed.  

Perhaps this is just a backfire at the end of a busy workweek for both of us, but mid week we were talking about meeting halfway between SA and Austin, and then I asked about his plans for the weekend, and they did not include any mentions of meeting or FaceTiming again.  He works Wed-Sat, and told me that Sunday (today as I write this) he will be woodworking all or most of the day trying to finish a couple orders.  No plans Monday, but had something planned Tuesday.  I mentioned something like oh I was hoping to meet up this weekend, but my best day would be Sunday and his reply was "oh that sucks. Maybe next week??"

I haven't heard from him today and I haven't reached out either.  Like I said, it's felt a bit cool, and I already know he will be woodworking, so why bother.  Also, I feel really lame stuck in this limbo.  I really hate this limbo, and I don't know if I'm the one creating it all in my head, but I don't think I am.  It's more of a gut feeling, and I have been trying to trust those feelings more and give them space to be.  

And this is why I like to meet people as soon as possible.  I feel like I've set myself up.  Obviously meeting up is not a possible scenario with quarantine, and I don't give a fuck about the state being open, that does not apply to me.  Especially not when the average rate of infection continues to steadily rise every single day here in San Antonio.  I don't need to go anywhere and have no issue staying home.  

Also, I haven't dated anyone since seeing the EMS guy, so I feel like I've put myself in a situation where I'm like ready to jump onto the first guy I see and hold on for dear life.  Which, in reality isn't the case, I tend to have a level head about things, but this dude and I click in very many different ways, it's definitely rare for me.  Well, time will tell, but I suspect my next few posts will be, well, I won't try and speculate.