Bad at Therapy

At the beginning of the week I was feeling low and decided to book an appointment.  It's all Zoom or by phone, I opted by phone.  It really felt like a waste of money.  I don't feel like I got a lot out of it, and I had things to talk about, but I also tend to work things out myself. 

Like once I have a diagnosis, I go about researching and testing things on my own.  I told my therapist about the new guy and how I'm being ghosted, and I identified the feelings it brought up, abandonment of course, and she is like, "lets talk about that" what else is there to talk about regarding that???? 

I just told her, "I want to feel the opposite of that, whatever that is, for once". 

I really like my therapist, but I do think it's time to find someone who specializes in trauma therapy.  I've had this thought for a few months now.  There are only 3 trained trauma psychologists in this area, and obviously right now is not the time to try to establish as a new patient.  However, I'm not sure what to expect.  Like, will I learn more than what I am already learning from the books I'm reading (and on my "to read" list)?  Or the therapy podcasts that I've invited into my week, or practicing mindfulness, journaling my feelings, and doing yoga?? 

On top of that, I've spent a lot of time creating healthy systems (habits) that I do daily (Atomic Habits, highly recommend).  I've done a lot in terms of growth in the last year, and she has recognized that, but I'm kinda unsure and possibly uneasy about going to a trauma specialist.  I read that some will have you recount the fucked up shit that's happened to you, and I'm very uneasy about that.  I get it, safe space, whatever, and it's not like the most fucked up thing will be the first thing I share, but ugh.  I feel like it's always on the tip of my tongue, but the words don't make sense. 

Anyway, I will look more into it later in the year, also look into work paying for it through the EAP program, because I've already looked up one of those psychologists rates and it was like $200/session.  My wallet just said no. 

Besides being reminded of my very deep abandonment issues, I felt totally fine today.  Haven't heard from the guy at all and I kinda expected it, although in my last post I said that I thought I would hear from him, that feeling went away as I got ready for bed last night.  I do feel a way about being ghosted, but I kind of prefer nothing.  If he messaged me, I would definitely tell him that the way I've felt over the last few days has not been satisfactory and we need to cool it, or be a bit clearer on what our expectations are. 

We learned a lot about each other because I asked.  I kept conversations rolling, I found questionnaires for us to discuss, when I hadn't replied to him for a while, he would send me some generic message to strike up conversation again, or sometimes a cute selfie (those were nice).  So, ehhhh, I'm not missing much, tbqh.  Here's an analysis for anyone struggling: put in the same amount of interest as men (or women) put into you, compare your findings, make adjustments. 

Today I thought about redoing my online profile completely and it was a good thought, and although dating is still a raging dumpster fire, I want to believe.  I'm so used to being alone and relying only on myself, everyone else in my life has let me down; because of this, I've thought that wanting to find love, and expressing that so openly was "a sign of weakness", whatever that means. 

I'm glad that my mind has changing, and true to form, it's the opposite.  Staying alone and keeping those walls up and your heart guarded is a weakness, and one I can't fault anyone for doing, I understand it, I have those walls, and they are still standing, just not as high.  Putting yourself out there, making the effort, dredging yourself through this muck that is dating, that actually demonstrates vulnerability, strength, and resilience.