Health & Texas

I commented on one of my previous posts on my indecision on wanting to be married. A big part of it is the ability to easily walk away (obviously not easy emotionally), and not having to get a prenup or ask a court for a divorce. I do think that marriage is the ultimate commitment from a man; and yes, divorce is an option, whatever, whatever, but if we are discussing choice and labels, then it's marriage. I don't know though, I don't think I will know until I'm with someone that is worth me marrying I suppose. I do think that making it my intention weeds out men that are not interested in serious commitment. 

Additionally, marriage affords me certain legal protection, well, me and my spouse. And if things go "extreme" for women (I don't know if that will happen, I hope it doesn't). However, I think that government intervention is more towards control of women's bodies, and producing cheap labor. With that being said, I am also 41 and I have always had an internal suspicion that getting pregnant with a viable fetus would be very difficult for me (even if I do come from a long line of fertile women). 

All that to say, I have been going to a new gynecologist since the beginning of this year to solve the problem of why my periods are so fucking painful. I also wanted a better treatment protocol for my PMDD. I found a practice that discusses both of these things on their website and booked the next available appointment. 

After the initial appointment and a follow up ultrasound, it has been determined that I have fibroids (which I have suspected for a while), and I have a thickened endometrial lining, which could possibly be a sign of endometriosis. There is also an endometrial polyp that I will need to have biopsied to test for cancer. I am going back for a second ultrasound in May, and subsequent biopsy. The suggested treatment for the fibroids was low dose birth control, but I refused that. Long term, my options are down to a hysterectomy, which is what I want. 

I don't want kids, I've never really wanted them. I kind of did when Miles and I were first dating, but I'm glad it never happened. I certainly do not want them now. I am going to push for a partial hysterectomy at my next visit. I would like to do it this year, just in case the option gets removed after the election. I don't think it's wrong or fear mongering to prepare, but I also think at my age it wouldn't be a procedure I am denied, but who knows! Also, the less painful periods I go through, the better. 

The last period I had was so fucking painful I couldn't really do anything. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't eat, I could barely move. I just sat in my work chair with my TENS machine over my pelvic area, which I had already smeared with NSAID and CBD cream, and tried to work and not cry. My new doctor at least has taken the pain seriously and prescribed me an opioid for the pain, but I can't take it during the day. 

Anyway, I would love to have a hysterectomy and not have to ever worry about getting pregnant in the next couple years where that could still possibly be a risk and I have to quietly exit the state to have an abortion somewhere its allowed. I think technically you can still order the pills here, but who knows how long that will be possible. Still, two birds, one stone.